There's so much information out there. I read medical reports and then I venture into the world of Breast Cancer blogs. Women all over the country are writing about their journeys. I read a blog about a young 26 year old and cry. She's the same age as my youngest daughter. As I read her story, I marvel at her strength. How can she be so wise and so resilient when I am so scared and so rigid?
I read a while and realize that our stories aren't so very different. Every blog I read starts with "I'm still in shock, or I just can't believe it." Each blog is raw and honest, filled with emotion. Although I don't know these ladies personally, I feel like we're related in some unique way. We all have questions. We all need answers.
Soon I tire of reading blogs and jump over to YouTube to watch a few videos. I find another woman's video blog. Her video is about the last days of her life...she has stage 4 cancer and has been fighting for years. I watch it for about thirty minutes and then I can't watch it any longer...it's too depressing. She has no hope. She's already resigned herself to the fact that this disease is going to take her life and that's just the way it is. She talks about her family a lot in the video but never once mentions her faith. To me, that is so very sad. If only she had faith in God...her perspective might be very different. Her prognosis might be different too.
Medical videos are next. I start looking up Sentinel node removal and mastectomies. For some reason, I just want to see exactly how these surgeries are going to be performed. I feel better knowing. I don't like surprises. I want to be informed.
As I read, time slips quickly away. I've been in front of the computer for 4 and a half hours. Why can't I stop? It's like I'm obsessed with knowing everything I can about this disease. I have to make myself turn off the computer and walk away.
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