This morning, I was looking at my App and an event that I had programmed into it. I'd programmed in the date of my bilateral mastectomy. The little clock is screaming out It's only 15 days now until I have my surgery. I can look back at another event and see it's been exactly 19 days since I received the news that I have Breast Cancer. That App is a good one to have, especially when you have an event you're looking forward to attending but in my case, not so much. Maybe it's just my imagination, but the mass feels like it's gotten larger. I can't help thinking that the Cancer is continuing to grow and multiply inside me while I wait to have it cut out. In my mind, I can see the cells mutating. I can see them just as clearly as if I were back in Biology class looking at a Petri dish under microscopic magnification.
I remember when I was in high school. One of my favorite classes was Biology. My professor, Mr. Wing, was a nerdy little guy with glasses and a beard but he was a good teacher. He loved seeing his students reaction when they witnessed something they'd never seen before. I know I brought him a lot of joy because I was amazed at almost everything we learned in his class!
Peering into the lens of the microscope and watching microorganisms swimming around in a droplet of water was fascinating to me. I loved studying about DNA, cell replication, and cell mutation. I wanted to go into the medical field after I completed high school. To me, Science was a very broad and open field of study with so many different choices in which to specialize. I thought about starting out as a Registered Nurse or even a Paramedic, but never dreamed of Oncology...never gave a thought to studying Cancer.
When you're diagnosed with Breast Cancer, after you get past the initial shock of the diagnosis, you become a specialist in your field very quickly. You become obsessed with wanting to quickly gather as much information about the disease as possible. You feel a need to know. In some small way, the more knowledge you glean, the more control you feel. On the other hand, too much knowledge can be a bad thing. The internet is full of wonderful, helpful information but it's also full of fallacies and misinformation. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between the two.
I've tried hard to gather information that will prove helpful to me. Just like a soldier choosing weapons for an upcoming battle, I'm trying to choose the ones that will prove most powerful and effective. I've been studying about diet and how it can change and affect the outcome of the growth of Cancer. I've been studying about the effects of stress and the power of positive thinking. I've been learning any and everything that may or may not give me a better chance at beating this disease in conjunction with the medical treatments my doctor deems necessary. I'm finding myself to be more determined than ever to live and live as long as I possibly can live. It's funny, but until Cancer found me, I never really gave much thought to my life or how long I might live.
It's not easy knowing that Cancer cells are inside me right now growing and multiplying although they probably aren't growing as rapidly as I might think. Even though I want them out of me immediately, the scientist side of me wants to see them and understand them. I want to know what caused me to get Cancer. How long has it been growing deep inside of me? And what would have happened had I never discovered it hiding there? Most data on the internet says that by the time we actually feel a lump, the Cancer has been growing for 8-10 years! That is hard for me to fathom.
As I continue to wait for my surgery, I'm trying hard not to think about how many Cancer cells are dancing around inside me. It's hard knowing they're having a closed door party and I wasn't invited to attend. But soon, I'm going to offer them a special "chemo cocktail" that's going to knock their socks off! I can just picture it...just like spraying a can of Raid onto a big hill of red ants...they're going to fall over dead in their tracks. There will be no more replication, no more mutation, no more Cancer cells of any kind....at least that's what I'm hoping for...
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