I spend fifteen or more minutes every night getting my bedtime "ritual" set up. First I go in and darken my bedroom, leaving just a small lamp on so I can see enough to enter the room without clobbering my toe on something. I turn on the ceiling fan and turn the a/c down low...turn back the sheets and arrange my pillows just so...but even with all of that, I dread getting into bed.
Let me tell you about a time, a once upon a time time, when eight hours of sleep was not the longing of my daydreams, but actually my reality...every...single...night. I could even leisurely nap on Sunday afternoons, or any afternoon for that matter if I so desired. I could curl up with a book, a blanket and doze a little if I wanted. Sleep was just a luxury I certainly took for granted. Ohhhh, those were the days of a rested body and an alert mind.
For some strange reason, for the past few months, sleep has eluded me. I've tried every remedy I know to gain restful, sound sleep. I've tried natural remedies like Sleepy Time Tea, Serenity Essential Oil, sleep masks and ear plugs, and Benadryl. I've tried taking a relaxing hot bath or shower, and nothing seems to work for more than a night or two. I read until I'm exhausted, watch TV until I can't watch another show. I pray asking God to help me relax and fall asleep...but inevitably end up waking every few hours for some reason. Either I'm too hot, too cold, have to use the bathroom, or just toss and turn all night long.
My oncologist asked me this past week how I was sleeping. I wanted to give a hearty guffaw and say, "Well, lemme tell you, Doc, I'm not!" I did tell him I was having trouble and he said my body can't heal without proper sleep. "Yes, I know that," I wanted to scream, but I sat quietly and listened as he said it would be a good idea to try a narcotic/hypnotic sleep aid. Since it can be addictive, he added, "I'll only give you a month's worth." Reluctantly, I agreed to accept the prescription.
Off I went to CVS to pick up my bottle of hope. My daughter, Erin, asked if I wanted to go through the drive through window. I told her I'd never done that before and she told me it was easy. Within just a few minutes, I had my new medication and we were on our way. I began reading the medication advise alert included in the bag and was shocked to read one of the side effects of this medication was sleep driving. SLEEP DRIVING!!! Oh my goodness!
When we got home, Erin and I relaxed the rest of the day and when it was time for me to go to bed, I told her I was afraid of the sleep driving side effect and hoped I wouldn't experience that. She said, "Mom, give me your keys and I will hide them. That way you can't drive anywhere even if you wanted to do it." So, I gave her my keys.
I know you'll think it's silly, but before I took the medicine, I prayed and asked God to keep me snugly in my bed. I asked Him to allow me to have a sound night's sleep and for Him to allow me to wake up fully rested without feeling hung over or groggy. I took the medication knowing that Erin had my car keys and my husband,Phil, was asleep right beside me. I closed my eyes and sometime later drifted into LaLa land.
For two nights in a row, I took the medicine. It seemed that finally I was going to be able to rest well and recover from surgery, but yesterday, I was so depressed and cried most of the day. I went back and re-read the medical information insert that came with the prescription. Depression was indeed one of the side effects as well as suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, I hadn't had any of the suicidal thoughts!
I talked with Erin about the medication this morning and told her how it had affected me yesterday. She told me that she thought I was just physically exhausted from a week of going and doing right after having had my surgery. She also thought it had been a very emotional week for me having anticipated chemotherapy for weeks and then finding out I didn't have to have it. It was also hard to have to say goodbye to her after having been able to spend the entire week visiting. (Since Erin lives in Texas, I don't get to see her often.) In essence, what she was trying to say was that through cumulative events, I'd been on an emotional roller coaster without good quality or quantity of sleep and I needed to give myself a break. I thought long and hard about what she said and found my daughter to be quite wise.
So tonight, I'm going to give it another go. I'm going to give my husband my keys and ask him to hide them somewhere in the house (just in case, I wake up and want to drive to Florida or something!) and then I'll pray and ask God to keep me right where I belong, safe and sound in my bed...in my bedroom...in my house. I am hopeful I'll be able to get a peaceful rest tonight. It has been so difficult to function on only a few hours of sleep. I never really understood how a lack of sleep could pose risks to my health but it definitely does. I have found myself less alert, less able to concentrate, more emotional, more easily agitated and irritable. WebMD even says sleep deprivation can cause health problems like heart attack, stroke, A.D.D., and poor quality of life.
Not only does Cancer produce a very stress filled life, it can also interrupt a good night's sleep! My body is still healing from surgery and in order for it to heal properly, I need to get at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. So hopefully tonight, I'll be the one sawing some logs. Maybe, just maybe, my husband will have to put ear plugs in to drown out the sound of MY snores instead of it being vice versa. If it's not to much to ask, would you say a little prayer asking God to grant me a night of restorative, peace filled sleep? I know He created sleep to allow our bodies to rest and recover from a hard day of work. Our cells need to renew and replenish. I want my body to be as healthy as it can be because in just a few days, I'll begin radiation therapy and my cells will be dying. I know God cares about even the little things that bother us, so I'm trusting I'll wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and alive. Thank you in advance for your prayers and I hope you all sleep tight tonight.
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