I entered the waiting room and saw several people waiting. As I glanced at them, I tried not to make eye contact. I wasn't quite ready to become one of them. I noticed most of the patients were elderly and in various stages of treatment. Some of them were in wheelchairs and others needed assistance to even walk across the room. Each of them seemed lackadaisical about being there...as if it were "old hat."
Walking up to the counter, I was met by a cheery receptionist who promptly handed me a clipboard filled with papers. "I'm glad you're early," she said, "that will give you time to fill out all these forms." I worked as quickly as I could trying to remember surgical dates, prescription names and doses, insurance information, and other pertinent information. Although I'm totally against it, at that very moment, I wished I'd had a medical information chip implanted in my hand that would give them access to all my medical history through just a simple scanning.
My name was being called by a nurse who seemed to be in her mid thirties. She ushered me right up to the scale and proceeded to record my weight. Next, we entered the exam room where she took my vital signs. As she pulled out the blood pressure cuff, I reminded her that she would have to take my blood pressure using my calf. Before she had a chance to speak, I told her I'd had lymph nodes removed in both arms and was instructed by my breast surgeon never to allow anyone to take my blood pressure in either arm because of the high risk of lymphedema.
The nurse completed taking my vitals and then sat down to enter medical history in the computer. I did not understand why she was asking me the exact same questions I had just entered on the forms in the waiting room! All of it seemed unnecessary. If she had read the forms I'd completed, she would have found answers to each of her questions...but being the "good"girl that I am, I didn't say anything about that, and proceeded to supply her with answers.When the medical history information was entered into the computer, the nurse went to tell the doctor I was ready. I had no idea what he was going to do today. Would he just consult with me or would he actually preform a treatment? I was anxious as I sat there in my little open front gown.
The nurse introduced Dr. Giesler to me. He was a tall, lanky man of about 40. I was surprised to see his head full of sandy, shaggy blonde hair. Instead of a doctor, he looked like an aging surfer. He was pleasant enough and made sure to look straight into my eyes the entire time he was talking to me. He explained that he was substituting for my regular doctor who was on vacation.
After a brief physical examination, Dr. Giesler explained that I'll have between 33-35 radiation treatments over the next 7 weeks with 2 possible "radiation boosts" near the end of my treatment. On Tuesday of this next week, I'll have a CT scan done and also have mapping done where tattoos will be placed on my body. The tattoos, he said, are to aid the radiology tech in lining up the machinery providing exact targeting of the radiation beam. I was told to expect extreme fatigue, loss of appetite, skin burns, weakened rib cage, and various other side effects. Waiting patiently for a few minutes, Dr. Giesler asked if I had any questions. At that very moment, I couldn't think of any so I gently shook my head no.
The nurse came back in and told me I could get dressed. She started a video on radiation therapy and asked me to watch it saying it would answer many of my questions. She also said when it was over she would come back and have me sign a medical release form and we'd talk about skin care. As she shut the door, I sat waiting for the video to begin.
The video talked about the safety of the types of treatment provided by radiation today. As the video was playing, all I could think about was images I'd seen in a National Geographic magazine many years earlier of children running through dark, dusty streets with skin hanging off their bodies...victims of the Nagasaki and Hiroshima bombings. I remember reading about the effects of radiation sickness and horrendous it was back then. How could radiation help someone with Cancer get well when it was used to kill people? I listened as the video explained that highly intense beams of radiation could be targeted to specific areas of the body now and those beams focused on killing the Cancer cells without damaging surrounding organs. In the very next sentence, however, the narrator said, "but inevitably healthy cells will be destroyed in the process."
The video droned on for about 15 minutes and then the nurse came back into the room."Do you have any questions for me now?" she said. My brain was on overload with all the information I'd just received so again, I shook my head no. "Well, let's go over skin care and side effects then," she said. She explained that during treatment, I wouldn't be allowed to use any deodorant at all. None. So that meant I was going to go 7 weeks smelling like a hot, sweaty field hand??? No...she said I could use cornstarch to combat odor. (Good thing I have some in my pantry with my other baking items!) I would also not be allowed to use any scented or drying soap or bath products. Dove was the soap of choice. Also she recommended I buy a large bottle of pure Aloe Vera gel to use after treatments. She explained that I would most definitely suffer burning from the treatments although the burns didn't usually show up until after the third of fourth treatments. She explained that the doctor would keep a close eye on my skin and if there was any blistering or deeper burns, they would address that with prescription creams.
The doctor came in one last time and explained more side effects to me. He wanted me to understand that extreme fatigue was the most common complaint from patients. Along with fatigue, he said I could experience vomiting, nausea, difficulty swallowing, hair loss, lung pain, bone pain, and even rib fractures. As he handed me the medical treatment release form, I wasn't quite sure I wanted to sign it. He could see my hesitation and said, "just because we tell you all the side effects doesn't mean you are going to get them all. By law, we're required to inform you of all the possible side effects." I signed the form and handed it back to him.
My next appointment was made and I was told I would receive a CT scan on that visit as well as have radiation mapping done. They would also apply permanent tattoos to my body to help the radiologist line up the machine to administer precise beams to the same area every time. The nurse explained that an inflatable foam pad would mold and form around me to ensure I would remain perfectly still for treatment. That form would then be kept and reused at each of my succeeding visits.
As I left the office, the receptionist handed me one of those stretchy little wrist bracelets with an ID card and scan code attached to it. She explained that each time I came for my appointments, I would need to scan my wrist bracelet and that would alert the radiology tech that I was there for treatment. Pushing open the heavy glass door, I walked across the parking lot. I was dazed. It's still surreal to me that I am a Breast Cancer survivor. I never in a million years ever dreamed that I would be going through all of this. Suddenly it became clear to me how quickly life changes from moment to moment. One day you can be happy and healthy and whole, and the next day your entire world can be turned upside down.
Getting into my car, I quickly turned on the radio. I wanted to drown out the instant replay from today's visit. You'll never guess what was playing as I drove out of the parking lot..."Live like you were dying" by Tim McGraw. The song tells the story of a man who found out he was going to die at a young age from a deadly disease. He was taken aback by the news, and was not sure how he should react to his final days. He asked his doctor what should he do, and the doctor shared with him his own personal experiences. The doctor told him to live his life to the absolute fullest for the time that he had left, so there would be no regrets left behind. The doctor explained that when he thought he was living his last days, he had the chance to be the person that he should have been before and just kept putting off. He became the good husband and friend that he always knew he should be. He focused more on his faith. He looked at things in his past that he had wanted to do but never had done...that's when the doctor tells him to live like he was dying. As I listened to the song, I realized that I needed to live that way...to live intentionally and purposefully. To remember that every moment of every day is a blessing and should never be taken for granted.
Day after day, God keeps reminding me that my time is in His hands. I can't count the minutes of tomorrow but I can take those given to me today and use them wisely. I intend to live like I am dying...we should all live this way but until we come face to face with our mortality, we often just don't understand that concept. Finally I get it...I really, really do.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
