God loved me enough to allow cancer into my life. It is for His purposes and to teach me things I never would have learned had it not come my way.When I first got cancer, I prayed and said, "God, why me?" His reply was "why not you?" That allowed me to understand He had personally chosen cancer to bless my life.
Control is an illusion. I have no control over anything. Everything is in God's hand. In a heartbeat, my entire world was turned upside down. When I heard the words, "you have cancer" I realized all those moments I thought I was in control of my life were just lies. I've never been in control and I never will be.
Trials come to teach us. They help us gain new perspectives. In the midst of a trial, it seems to be a huge nuisance but looking back over it, we can find lessons we learned. Cancer has been the biggest trial I've ever faced. Although I've completed my radiation treatments, I still have other treatments and therapies ahead. Each of those will present their own set of trials but I'm sure as I look back upon them, I'll see things that God was teaching me. "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4 (Amplified Version of the Holy Bible)
Love openly and well. Cancer has taught me that love is the most important thing we can ever give someone else. I am intentional about telling my friends and family I love them. I want them to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are important to me. "But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.: 1 Corinthians 13:13 (New American Standard Bible)
People are important. Every single person that comes into your life is there for a reason. They may only cross your path for a short time, but they are there to either teach you something or for you to teach them something. God chooses who comes and goes in our lives. I believe He handpicks them! God has brought various people into my life since my cancer diagnosis. It's been amazing to see the people He's chosen to reach out to me. He's used complete strangers to encourage me and lift me up. He's used old friends and coworkers to pray for me. He has known exactly what I have needed at exactly the right time. I am so thankful He uses others to be His hands and feet.
Worry has no power over me. I used to worry all the time. My husband called me a worry-wart. I finally learned that worrying solved nothing and that old saying, "worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere" is so true. All worrying does is rob you of precious time. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34 (The Holy Bible)
Death is not as scary as it used to be to me. The Bible says my life is like a vapor and a vapor doesn't last very long. When faced with cancer, you learn to be firm in your faith. You really come to understand that this is just our temporary home and we are just passing through. My home is in eternity with God. I'm not afraid of dying because I know to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." James 4:14 (New International Version of the Holy Bible)
Life is not about me. It's about others. Enough said.
I've learned to be a gracious receiver. When life throws huge health trials your way, you learn quickly that you have physical limitations. It's important to learn when we refuse to accept help, we can be robbing someone of a blessing. When someone offers to do something for you, graciously accept. That old saying "it is more blessed to give than to receive" is very true. "In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35 (New American Standard Version of the Holy Bible)
I have learned to seek and find joy. I have learned to look for joy in simple things. The way my husband's eyes twinkle when he smiles at me...the sweet dimples in my granddaughter's hand..the way the leaves flutter to the ground...joy is all around us.
I've learned it's okay to cry and that my feelings matter. I used to be ashamed to cry in front of someone. I would always hold my feelings in until I could go to a private place and let them out. Now I've learned that it's okay to cry. Crying is an emotional release of deep pain. I've also learned that God holds my tears precious in His sight. In the Bible it even says He stores our tears up in His bottle. That tells me that He counts every tear I cry as precious. "You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8 (New King James Bible)
I get tired more easily. I’ve learned to honor the feeling of tiredness and act on it. In the past I pushed and pushed, knowing that I could push past my limits and succeed. Now I know that if I push I will fall, so I try to not run faster than I can walk. I am learning to go to bed early, to relish the times I can sleep in, and to not feel guilty about needing a nap or saying “no.”
I'm slower. I'm not as fast as I once was, I've slowed way down.The every day stranger wouldn’t notice, but I do, and my family does. I don’t pack as much into my day, I don’t rush through things. I’m more deliberate in my movements and actions.
I'm more mindful. I pay attention to the feeling the bristles of my toothbrush on my teeth, feeling the sand under my feet, noticing the sunrises, and sunsets. I smell my grandbabies, watch them puzzle over how to do things, enjoy the silence in my car, and feel the sweat on my back as I exercise. In my awareness I recognize how truly blessed I am.
I am stronger than I think I am. I have learned that I am more powerful than ever. I have become an overcomer. I have fought battles I never thought I could win and I have been brave.
I am more patient now. I used to be very impatient with myself and with others. My 2015 slogan is going to be "don't sweat the small stuff." Because honestly, getting worked up over people and situations just really isn’t where I want to be spending my energy. So when I feel irritation or frustration coming on, I will step back, flip my hands in the air, and say, “It just doesn’t matter.” I will choose to let things go and when I do, I will feel such freedom.
Prayer is key to everything. I've always known this but it became even more real lately. I can pray at any moment of any day and I know God hears me. He is always ready to listen to my heart. I can share anything, absolutely anything, with Him. He does not judge me. He does not condemn me. He merely loves me. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
I'm more forgiving. The Bible tells me that I'm to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. The softer-side of Bonnie has come forward. I want to hold, cuddle, kiss, caress, whisper words of truth to those around me. I want to say, “I love you.”I want to overlook faults and dismiss shortcomings. I'm learning to be more Christlike. "And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32 (Amplified Bible)
I've learned to live in the moment. Don't focus on tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year! Pay attention to exactly where you are right now and live in that precise moment. Cancer has taught me no longer to be a long range planner. Now I focus on what's happening this minute and I soak up every single second of that minute.
I've learned to prioritize. I've learned to think about things that are really important to me and the other things fall. Let it be. Let it go. Let it fall. And things will be okay...
I've learned to be purpose driven - I've learned to live my life with purpose. To focus on living my life fully. To go where God leads and do what He says do without hesitation, without question, without delay.
My identity is not tied up in my disease. I am not my breast cancer. It does not define me.
Multi-tasking is a thing of the past. I used to be a great multi-tasker. Every job I held demanded it. I had to learn to juggle 5 or 6 balls at one time not only in my workplace, but also in my home. Now that I'm older and I've gone through all these treatments, I just can't do it any longer. I find I am much better at doing one thing at a time and doing it well. It was hard to admit I can no longer write my blog, talk on the phone, and text my daughter all at the same time. I used to do those things so easily.
I forget things. Whether it's a sign of aging or results from medication or treatment, I don't really know...but I am not as sharp as I used to be. I find that making lists help me remember. I seem to be sharpest first thing in the morning so that's when I compile my lists. When I do forget something, I don't beat myself up over it. I just laugh and write it down on tomorrow's list of things to do.
Those are just a few of the things cancer has taught me. I'm sure I will learn many more valuable lessons in the future. It's amazing to me the depth of understanding that has come since my illness and even though I'm sharing these valuable life lessons with you, you probably won't truly understand them until some debilitating disease or tragedy touches your life. My hope is that you will take away something from this post...something that will cause you to think or re-evaluate your life before that time comes.
If I had to sum things up in just a few sentences, I would say this to you - "Be intentional in the way you live and love. Let go of the small things and always be ready to forgive. Embrace life and live it to the fullest. If you look for joy, you will find it."
Having breast cancer has not been easy, but it has changed me. It has changed me in ways I could never believe. For the last 8 months, I've been on a roller coaster of self discovery. God has shown me things about myself that I didn't like as well as things I loved. I have felt His hands upon me molding me and shaping me into a beautiful vessel for His use. I'm still not finished yet, but I can't wait to see what He does in my life in the days ahead.
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