We live in a stereotypical world and cancer fighters are among those faced with many stereotypes. We're supposed to look a certain way and feel a certain way. If we don't, we don't fit the mold. But for many survivors, it's not easy to put on the brave or happy face that others may expect.
I've had a lot of folks tell me I'm "brave" for being so happy and positive through my journey. They admire how I've adapted and grown through my experience. Usually, I am a happy go lucky person like Winnie the Pooh. I do pretty well in the face of adversity, but sometimes, that's not how I truly feel. I don't always feel like putting on a happy face.
One thing I'd like people to understand is that cancer continues to affect you long after its left your body. The physical fatigue and maintenance therapy is just the beginning. Then there's the emotional aspect of facing mortality and realizing you'll never truly be your old self again. On top of all that is the constant barrage of medical expenses.
But completing treatment is seen as a great victory. It's something that needs to be celebrated. The celebrations cause us to be seen as heroes although we're really just wounded warriors.
When treatment is "finished" we're expected to keep that happy face glued on, but that expectation is unfair. Many survivors suck it up and keep their true feelings hidden wondering why they aren't able to be as brave as they should be. They put a lot of pressure on themselves trying to live up to the expectations of others.
Expecting someone to be happy they survived cancer is like telling veterans of war, who suffer from PTSD, they should just be glad they're alive. It isn't very easy to be grateful for the worst thing you've ever experienced and I know Eeyore could certainly understand that.
Yes, today's an Eeyore kind of day. Sometimes, I really hate that I got cancer. I hated having to suffer through it. And I really hate what it's done to my body. None of my clothes fit any more. I look hideous without clothes on. I get tired for no reason. I have become moody and sometimes, yes, I even suffer depression. I don't like it. I'm not an Eeyore at heart.
I don't always feel blessed. I don’t always feel brave. I don’t always feel proud. I don’t always feel glad to be alive. Not all the time. More than anything, I feel tired. It's been 18 months...and I'm still not done with this. Being tired just isn't me.
So I'm writing this to let you know we don't always feel like we're brave when we beat cancer. We don't always feel like putting on a facade and pretending to be happy. Some days are Eeyore days. Sometimes we just want to admit it's hard and sometimes we just feel like wallowing in self pity and that's okay.
And tomorrow, perhaps the little black rain cloud that's hovering over me today will be gone and I'll be having a Winnie the Pooh sort of day...or maybe, if I'm feeling really good, I'll be having a Tigger sort of day, and that's okay too! Being open and honest about how I'm feeling is a good thing and I think it's healthy to admit sometimes I'm feeling a bit down. As long as I don't stay there, I know I'm doing just fine. If I ever find myself being unable to get out from under the gloom of depression though, I'll know I need to get some help and get it fast! Being a permanent Eeyore isn't something I can see myself doing now or ever.
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