Since receiving my diagnosis of Cancer, I've been on the emotional ride of a lifetime. I've experienced the deep downward spiral of depression, the little hills of hope, and then I've sped through the twists and turns of all the confusion associated with upcoming surgeries, treatments, and doctor's appointments. It's been mind bending! My poor husband has held on tight for the ride as he's journeyed along with me these past few weeks."I need a break," I told him through tear filled eyes. "I need to be at the beach." He looked at me, through eyes of love, and said, "let's go."
Little did I know that one of my daughters had already been scouring the internet trying to help make my dream come true. She's spent hours trying to find the perfect spot for us, but trying to plan an impromptu vacation on a holiday weekend was not easy. Each condo she tried to reserve had already been booked. She tried so hard but soon became discouraged. She knows me very, very well and knew how desperately I wanted to go. She knew I needed to be at the beach. So after a valiant effort, she passed the trip planning on to me.To make a long story short, it took some doing but I was able to find a lovely B & B just off the beach. I called to make the reservation late last night. "You're lucky! It's our last room," the innkeeper said. "I'm not lucky, I'm blessed," I replied.
I can't describe how much being at the beach means to me. It's not about standing in the warm, wet sand and wiggling my toes. It's not about sitting for hours watching the repetitive motion of the waves as they rush in to shore. It's not about watching the sun rise or set. For me, it's just where I feel closest to God. Oh sure, I see Him in all the beauty of nature that the beach holds....the tiny Cocina shells, the flocks of sea gulls, even the salty sea breeze; but there's so much more to it than that. When I stand on the shore, I feel so very small and God is so very big. Even in those moments, I feel His heartbeat. I know He's with me. That is why I need to go to the beach. I need to be alone with God for a while.
In Matthew 11:28, there's a wonderful verse that says "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." I'm going to the beach to find rest for my soul. I want to release all the fear and worry and dread associated with Cancer. I want to relinquish the control over my life to my Creator. And yes, I can do this any place, at any time, because I know that God is always with me...but for me, right now, I need to do it at the beach. I think God knows my heart better than anyone. He knows exactly what I need and I think, like the loving Father He is, that He's probably up there smiling down at me right now. Going to the beach isn't that big of a deal for some...in fact, they probably go once or twice a year like I always have in the past. But this trip, this time, is special. It's my time to rest my head in my Daddy's lap and cry. As He strokes my head and whispers reassurance to me, I'll find peace. As the waves crash against the shore and the sea breeze washes over me, I'll be freed from all that is weighing me down right now. And while I wish I could stay at the beach forever, I'll return home feeling empowered and lightened and loved.
So on Independence day, I'll head for the shore. After three days there, I'll return to have radioactive dye injected into my breasts and the following day, I'll have them removed along with several lymph nodes in my arm. As I lie on the operating table, before they put me under, I just know I'm going to hear the call of the shore birds echoing in my mind and then, I'll drift off to the smell of the salty sea air...after all, the beach is and always has been the very best medicine for me.
© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved
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