Behind closed doors

Normally, I would never write about such deeply private things, but today, as I continue to post about the real life of a Breast Cancer survivor's life, I want to share this with you. Please know that this will be coming from the deepest part of my being and I will do my best to choose my words carefully in order to help you truly understand the experience but I won't say more than absolutely necessary. I want to be respectful of my marriage but at the same time, I think it's important for this to be shared.

Last night was the first night since my surgery that my husband and I have been intimate. For days, I'd been dreading this moment. I'd read all the brochures the hospital gave me about intimacy after Breast Cancer and I'd read horribly sad stories on the internet from other survivors and how their mates had responded. I had no idea how the evening would go but I love my husband with all my heart and I would not deny him his rights.

The room was dark with night as he took my hand in his. He told me how very much he loved me and how he always would. Could he have known the trembling fear welling up inside me at that very moment? His tender, passionate kisses calmed my heart as torrents of tears poured forth. I was so ashamed of my body. I was thankful it was dark inside our bedroom and he couldn't see my scars. I don't know why I was so ashamed, I'd done nothing to bear the shame of Cancer, but it had disfigured my body so drastically. Over and over again, he reassured me that I was beautiful. I wanted with all my heart to believe him but I couldn't. If only he could see my pain...but it was dark, so very dark.

After our time of sharing our love with one another, I was relieved. I was relieved that finally this dreaded moment was over. I had wondered what it would be like for days. I had imagined his reaction with trepidation. But my husband amazed me. He chose to look past my scars and into my heart. He reaffirmed his love for me in the most gentle way. What else would I expect? This man whom I've loved for the past 21 years has never ceased to amaze me with his godly attitude and life.

The Song of Solomon is a very beautiful story of love found in the Bible. It is written with poignant, descriptive words that capture the very essence of a godly relationship. Phil is the epitome of a godly husband. He has always treated me with love and respect, with kindness, gentleness, and adoration. I am unworthy of such a love but I am so thankful that God has blessed my life with him.

Satan wanted me to feel ugly and afraid. He wanted me to reject the intimate advances of my husband. But God wanted me to feel beautiful and loved. He wanted me to truly understand "My beloved is mine and I am his!" (Song of Solomon 2:16.) He wanted me to know that even though my physical appearance had been greatly altered that my heart had escaped unscathed. I was still loveable. I was still desirable. I was still beautiful. 

Cancer demeans. Cancer steals joy. Cancer invokes fear and pain, but Cancer cannot rob me of one of the greatest blessings of my life and that is the love of a godly man, my husband. Some of you know my husband and have seen what a kind and tender heart he has, but some of you have never met him. Oh how I wish you could understand that this 6'4" 225 pound man has a heart of solid gold. He would never intentionally hurt anyone. He loves the Lord even more than he loves me and for that, I am truly grateful. 

This was a difficult post to write because of the content. I am a very private person especially in this area of my life! I wanted to share this with you in hopes that it might give you a clearer picture of the various facets of emotions faced by victims of Breast Cancer. Things you do in your daily life might become mundane and routine. Those of us going through the fight of our lives, don't take anything for granted. We are thankful for every single precious moment of every day. 

I hope I worded this post in a respectful way so as not to offend anyone. My intention was not to draw attention to the sexual aspect of marriage but to give you a taste of my reality.  God created man and woman to complete each other as they share a bond of tender, compassionate love. Marriage is sacred and holy in the eyes of God. It is not to be pornographic or perverted. Marriage is to be between one man and one woman and it is God's gift to us as a foreshadowing of His love. 

One of my favorite books of the Bible gives such a beautiful, clear picture of love and what it is to be like in our lives. Please take time to read these verses:

"Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy (the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth]." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Amplified Bible

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