Choose life

Yesterday my youngest daughter came to spend the weekend with us. It's always a joy to have her come; she's so full of energy and loves life so much. It was amazing how the atmosphere in our home changed when she arrived. Before she came, everything was so relaxed and peaceful. From the moment she walked in the door, expectation filled the air.

Oh to be young again and to be filled with a zest for life! I watched as she rolled her suitcase into her bedroom and came back into the living room. Immediately she began talking a mile a minute telling me about what's been going on in her life. I loved it! I hung on her every word. Her enthusiasm reminded me that I too, needed to be excited about life.

As I watched Jamie, I realized I had been experiencing a little depression. I knew I hadn't dealt with it, because when she asked me to go to town with her, I cringed. I felt safe at home. I didn't have to see anyone and no one had to see me. At home, I didn't have to worry about people staring at my flat chest.

Before Jamie even arrived, I had gone into my bedroom and put on my new silicone boobs. The mastectomy bra and the prostheses had been lying there since I picked them up last week. As I slipped the bra over my shoulders, I was astounded by their heaviness. I was unable to hook the bra myself because my arms won't bend that way yet, so I had to ask my husband to help. "Here, hold these!" I exclaimed to him, as I handed him the bra with the fake boobs inserted in it. "Wow, that's heavy," he said. "Yes," I said, "I don't know if I can wear this very long."

After hooking my bra for me, my husband returned to the living room. I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked pretty normal. I put a T shirt on and as I walked to the bedroom again, realized how uncomfortable I was at that moment. The fake boobs were so heavy and the bra was really pulling on my incisions. "Come help me get this thing off!" I yelled to my husband. He quickly came from the other room and I explained that I just couldn't do it yet. We removed the bra and I placed the prostheses gently back into their little pink pill boxes.

Jamie finally convinced me to go with her into town. She wanted to go get her nose re-pierced. She'd found a shop in Senoia that was open and had a good price for piercing. We drove about 20 or more miles and on the way, I told her that I wouldn't go in, that I would just stay in the car and wait for her. She asked me why and I told her I was self conscious. I didn't want people to see me without my boobs. She exclaimed, "oh Mom! No one's even going to pay any attention to your chest!" She persisted and finally, I caved in and went with her to the little tattoo/piercing shop. As I walked down the sidewalk to the shop, I was constantly using my arms to shield my chest from the view of passersby.

In the shop, there were several people in their mid to late 20's. There was a different type of energy surrounding them, they were all excited and all full of life. They were upbeat and happy. I watched them curiously as we waited. Why was I feeling self conscious and uncomfortable among these kids who were so open and free about expressing themselves?

The piercer came to get Jamie and as he held the door open for her to enter his little room; he continued to hold it even after she passed. He looked at me and invited me to come on back too if I wanted to join them. Hesitantly, I walked with them, trying to remain unseen. I stood in the doorway as the piercer did his work on Jamie. The entire time she was being worked on, I stood where no one passing behind me could see my chest. I was so thankful the piercer hadn't noticed my chest and that his back was turned toward me as he worked. At least now I could relax just a little.

When Jamie was finished, we went up to the front counter to pay. As we walked past other customers, I subconsciously shielded my chest with my arms. I continued to do this as we walked back to the car. Once inside the car, I felt safe and let my arms fall at my sides. How could I get past this? Was I always going to feel subhuman?

Driving back home, Jamie flipped on the CD player in her car. An upbeat song began to play and I realized that since surgery, I'd been living my life like a 33 1/3 record instead of like a CD!  I didn't want to give up and give in. I didn't want to let these feelings of being "less than" control my life. I wanted to live my life to the fullest! I've always done that in the past, so why now, was I choosing to live in a defeated state? Was I willing to let my lack of breasts destroy me? No! Was I willing to stay down in the dumps and blue? No! Well, then...what was I going to do about it?

I thought back to the kids in the piercing shop. They were exuberant. Sure, I know some of them were hiding behind their piercings or using them to express their feelings, but at least they were living. They weren't choosing to hide in a corner away from the gaze of others. In fact, they wanted to be seen! They wanted people to stare at their piercings and tattoos. They were bold! They grabbed life with gusto!

We pulled into the driveway and went inside the house. Jamie went to clean up her nose a little with some saline solution. I went in to talk with my husband and see how the football team was doing as he watched the game on TV. When Jamie came back into the living room and sat down, I watched her. She plopped down on the sofa and whipped out her cell phone. She was comfortable in her skin. She wasn't depressed or worried. She had chosen life.

Was I going to give up and lose hope all because I had no breasts? Was I going to continue to hole up and hide inside my safe space at home? Was I going to develop full blown agoraphobia? I didn't know the answer to any of those questions. I didn't want to feel self conscious and inadequate, but I did. I didn't want to stay at home all day long and not have interaction with others, but I did. I hope I don't develop full blown agoraphobia, but I might. My grandmother had it and was perfectly happy being at home in a safe environment.

I know it's not healthy to feel this way. I know it. But the reality of the situation right now is that I do feel this way. I do feel like a sideshow freak. I do feel inadequate. I do feel less than others. The faith filled side of me knows I am to walk in truth and the truth of the matter is that even though I have Cancer, I can rise above it and keep going. I can choose to live. The human side of me, the fleshly side, feels trapped inside my body. I feel like my confidence was lost when my breasts were removed. I struggle daily to find a healthy balance between those two sets of feelings...between faith and flesh. Some days I allow Christ to be my strength when I am weak and some days I don't. I'm human. I fail. The only difference is, I know the real truth and I know that with God I can overcome anything...it's just hard sometimes. No one gives you an instruction manual when you're diagnosed with Cancer. No one says you'll experience this..., it's normal to feel this way when..., nothing. They give you nothing. You have to figure it our yourself and if you don't have a strong spiritual background, you can forget it! Even with it, you'll experience days of depression and hopelessness. The difference is, you won't stay there. You'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. You'll learn to forgive yourself when you feel confused about life. You'll be a little less hard on yourself when you're having a bad day. You'll make it.

I don't want to feel hopeless or helpless. I don't want to feel worthless. When I listen to the lies Satan whispers in my ear, though, this is what I hear. I have to choose which voice I want to listen to...do I want to listen to words of hope and affirmation or words of death and destruction? I want to live. I want to choose life. I want to always listen to God's words that fill my heart with His life and His hope. I want to hear Him whispering, "you are lovely...you are mine....you are beautiful...there is hope...I'm not finished with you yet!" Those words are filled with life.

Daily I struggle. I will admit that. I'd love to give everyone the impression that all is well and I'm doing fine, but that's not the truth. There are days when I am focused and walking in faith but there are also days when I am hurting deeply feeling I'm worth nothing. I wasn't going to admit this to you. In fact, I had written a perfectly wonderful blog post and put it up on the internet before now. I had walked away and was in my room making my bed when I heard the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart..."go in there and change your post. Tell them how you really feel. Let them know you are real." And that's just what I did. I came into my office, sat down at my computer and totally redid my post.

When I began this journey, I promised myself that I would be real. I wanted others to know what it's truly like to go through Breast Cancer. I said I wouldn't sugar coat anything. I was going to be open and honest. I wanted to use my blog as a ministry tool but also as a record of my own personal journey. My journey hasn't been easy at all. It's been filled with tears and pain. It's been the most difficult thing I've been through yet but I know even with all that I have yet to go through, I will make it, because I am a fighter. I want to live...I choose life.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved