Getting my new boobs!

I've been struggling with feelings of inadequacy since having my breasts removed. It's amazing how our breasts are tied to our self-esteem, isn't it? I never thought I would feel that way until I had my bilateral mastectomies and experienced for the first time going out in public totally flat chested. More than likely, I was the only one who really noticed my flatness, but I felt like everyone was focused on my chest. That feeling caused me to feel "less than" others around me. It bothered me that I felt this way. I had always been so self confident. Why was I feeling this way now? I had to figure it out. On the way to see the Lymphedema therapist, I couldn't help thinking about getting my new "boobs" today. Renewal had called late yesterday and told me they were in the shop and ready for pick up.

I arrived at the Rehab center a few minutes before 9 and said a quick prayer. I went inside and within just a few minutes, Alison came over to get me and take me back. Today's session wasn't quite as long as Monday's and she was impressed with the results from my last manual drainage. After working on me, Alison said she was going to discharge me! I was so happy! She advised me to continue the manual drainage techniques she'd showed me for home use and I assured her I would.

Driving to Renewal, I continued to think about my new prostheses. I wondered how I was going to feel when I received them. When I pulled into the parking lot, I smoothed down my wrinkled shirt. My chest was so flat. I wasn't worried about going into this store with a flat chest however because they see flat chested women all day long. The cashier met me at the counter and I told her I was there to pick up my order. After asking my last name, she went to the back to retrieve my items. When she came out, she had a large shopping bag in hand. She gently sat it on the floor and proceeded to ring up the sale. I was astounded by the price of the mastectomy products. Thank goodness we have insurance! Those things are sure expensive! Each prosthesis costs $300! I'm getting 2 new mastectomy bras and 2 prostheses. The total of my bill is almost $800 but thankfully I only have to pay $135 because of our insurance. I pulled out my debit card and was on my way in minutes.

I was surprised at the feeling of pride I experienced as I walked out to my car. I was really ecstatic to have my new "boobs!" I didn't expect to react this way; I thought I might be emotional and cry. I did not expect to feel extremely happy. I placed the bag in the back seat of my car and headed home.

When I got home, I brought the bag inside and went straight to my bedroom. I removed the items from the shopping bag and laid them on my bed. There were 2 mastectomy bras, one white and one black, and two prostheses. The prostheses were in pretty pink boxes adorned with a rose. When I opened the box of the first prosthetic, I saw a little pink zippered round box. I didn't want to open it just yet. I wasn't quite ready. I took the other prosthetic out of it's box and had the 2 pink round zippered boxes sitting on the bed. Why was I hesitating to open them? I guess I was afraid to see what they looked like and afraid to hold them, but I made myself do it.

I slowly and carefully unzipped each box. Inside, in a mesh sling, was a molded, flesh colored, silicone breast form. I picked one up and was surprised at how heavy it was in my hand. I don't remember my real breasts feeling that heavy. I hadn't ordered a larger cup size than I was, although I was given the option to do so. I'd kept my cup size at an A. These things felt like they each weighed a pound! I slipped them into my mastectomy bra like the fitter had shown me and lifted the bra up in front of me. It looked mighty heavy. I unbuttoned my shirt and put the bra on over my camisole. I was afraid the weight of the prostheses would be too much against my bare skin and they might pull on my incisions. I had trouble reaching back to hook the clasps, but after a few attempts, managed to fasten it. I turned to look in the mirror. The bra looked like it was sitting much higher up on my chest than my normal one, but this was the correct position for a bra according to the fitter. I turned slightly so I could get a profile view and decided they looked okay. I picked up my shirt from the bed and slipped it back on, buttoning each button slowly. When I'd finished buttoning them all, I turned to look at myself in the mirror. You'd never know they were fake! Under the shirt, they looked like real boobs! The bra was fit so snug and tight that the weight of the fake boobs wasn't bothersome. I pushed against one of the prosthetics with my hand to see what it felt like and was amazed to find that it felt very lifelike.

I decided not to wear the bra and prostheses today. I'd save them for going out in public. I'd gotten used to having no breasts and not needing to wear a bra and rather like the freedom it afforded me. I gently lay the bra with the prostheses still in it onto the little open zippered boxes. The instructions that came with the prostheses said to always store them in their little cases to prevent damage to them. I took both boxes and sat them on the little table in my bedroom. The bra looked strange lying there. I was instantly reminded of my mother in law who'd undergone a mastectomy years before.

I remembered the first time I'd seen her prosthetic and her mastectomy bra. It was when we were cleaning out her house to put it on the market. She was in an assisted living home at the time and we were helping to sort through her things. We were in her bedroom and I was going through clothes in her closet. When I'd finished that, I moved on to her dresser. Opening the top drawer, I saw it. This soft, molded tan form lying there. It overwhelmed me. I remembered feeling so sorry for her having to go through surgery at her age. I believe she was in her mid 60's or early 70's. I remembered back to her valiant fight against breast cancer. Though she only had one breast removed, she did not let it stop her from doing anything she wanted to do. She was amazingly active and was always dedicated her time to helping others. I wished I'd been more helpful to her after she'd first had her surgery. Back then, I don't think I completely understood everything that was involved in a radical mastectomy. I could have done more. I should have done more, but now it was too late.

Looking back at my prostheses, I was grateful. At least I'd have the option to wear them or leave them at home if I didn't choose to put them on. I was thankful for companies who have worked hard to form them into lifelike works of art that are very similar to our own breast tissue. I noticed that I wasn't feeling quite so inadequate any more. I was actually feeling a little more normal than I expected. I guess I'm getting used to the "new normal" that everyone keeps talking about after experiencing breast cancer. No, things will never be the way they were before, but this new normal wasn't going to be as hard to get used to as I had thought it would be.

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