After a fitful night's sleep, I woke up around 4:00 a.m. I reached over and felt to see if Phil was still in bed and was surprised to find him there. It wasn't quite time for him to get up and go to work. He moved a little and rolled over going back to sleep. Although I was wide awake, I just lay there in the darkness thinking.
I must have dozed off shortly afterwards because when I woke up and looked at the clock again, it was 5:30 a.m. I got up and walked into the living room expecting to see Phil sitting there reading his Bible as he did every morning, but he'd already left for work. I picked up my Bible from the table beside my recliner and went back into the bedroom. Early morning devotions have always been routine for me and this morning was no different. I read several passages of Scripture, had my devotion and spent time in prayer. When I was done, I got up and got dressed.
I proceeded to make the bed and opened the blinds to allow the early morning light to filter into the bedroom. I love watching the sun come up! When I opened the blinds, a stream of light fell onto our bill basket. Phil always tries to keep it out of my sight because he knows I worry when I see the ever growing stack of bills. I picked up the basket and started going through the bills looking at due dates. Several of them needed immediate attention. I noticed the car insurance bill was past due. Quickly, I shot off a text message to Phil asking him to contact the insurance company and make arrangements to pay it. His response, "don't worry...be happy." Phil's always been one not to stress over things he can't control. I took the basket of bills and laid my hands over them asking God to please provide a way for us to pay them. Although Phil is constantly telling me not to worry about them, I find it difficult to leave them alone.
By this time of the morning, I was getting hungry so I went into the kitchen to fix breakfast. Sitting down at the table, I enjoyed my bowl of cottage cheese with pineapple while reviewing instructions from the radiologist on my first treatment. There were detailed instructions on what to do to keep my skin moisturized and helpful tips on things to do in order to minimize radiation burns. A long list of side effects was also listed but I tried not to pay attention to those.
As I sat there reading over medical information, it was as if a light bulb went off in my head....I needed to change my attitude! Instead of focusing on the negative things, I needed to focus on the positive things. Yes, I'd had a fitful night's sleep and was exhausted, but I did have a nice, cozy bed to sleep in and a comfortable, safe home. Yes, we had a huge stack of medical bills that we couldn't pay right now but that meant I was being able to receive treatment for my cancer. Yes, Phil was working 10 hour days, 6 days a week, but that meant he had a job and God was providing for our needs. When I began to see things in a more positive light, all of the negative things seemed to slip away. Phil's text message was still on my phone so I looked at it once again- "don't worry....be happy!"
I felt God speaking to my heart and saying, "my child, this is what I've wanted you to understand all along. There's no need to worry! I have everything under control. Be still and rest in me." With tear filled eyes, I picked up my cell phone intending to read Phil's text one more time, instead, my eyes focused on the Scripture verse for the day, Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." It was no coincidence that God allowed me to see that verse at the exact moment I did. He was reiterating what He'd spoken to my heart a few minutes earlier. Sitting in my kitchen, I pondered all God had given me this morning. Indeed I needed a new attitude. I was determined to eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive. From this point forward, I'm going to choose not to worry. I'm going to take Phil's sage advice and just be happy. I'm alive and fighting to continue living. God is good. My husband is hardworking, loving, and kind. It's a beautiful new day and everything's going to be all right, I'm sure of it!
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