The rearview

"Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus".…Philippians 3:12-14 

Driving down the road, I can't help but look into my rear view mirror. Sometimes it's interesting to see how far you've come isn't it? But if you're continually looking in the rear view mirror, you can't see where you're going and you might just run off the road. Today I was reminded of this fact when I read Philippians 3:12-14. I need to stop focusing on what lies behind and press on toward the future and my goals. The new year is coming and it's time to think about some resolutions. The only one I really want to set and accomplish is to put cancer on the back burner and to get on with living my life. 

Today is my second day on the chemotherapy drug, Tamoxifen.  I was really hesitant about taking it since the Arimidex had so many side effects, but my oncologist said it's important for me to take this for the next 5 years and possibly for the next 10. Tamoxifen has been used for over 40 years so it has an established track record as being effective against recurring breast cancers. As adjuvant therapy, it helps to prevent the original breast cancer from returning and also helps to prevent the development of new cancers in the body. Since Estrogen can promote the growth of breast cancer cells, some breast cancers are classified as estrogen receptor-positive, which means that they have a protein to which estrogen will bind. These breast cancer cells need estrogen to grow. Tamoxifen works against the effects of estrogen on these cells. My cancer was both Estrogen and Progesterone positive and that's why Dr. Feinstein, my Oncologist, wants to aggressively treat it with an Estrogen blocking drug.

Tamoxifen has some serious side effects which include blood clots, strokes, uterine cancer, and cataracts. Other side effects of Tamoxifen are similar to the symptoms of menopause. The most common side effects are hot flashes and vaginal discharge. Some women experience irregular menstrual periods, headaches, fatigue, nausea and/or vomiting, vaginal dryness or itching, irritation of the skin around the vagina, and skin rash.

I wish I'd paid closer attention when my mother in law was having to take Tamoxifen for her breast cancer many years ago. I know she experienced several of the side effects but she never talked about them. Of course, I know everyone is different, so I may not experience the same ones she did, but still...I'm not looking forward to having to deal with the side effects that come my way.

It's hard to know what to do. All I can really do is trust my doctor's judgment and do what he says with regard to my treatment, but how do I know it's the right thing to do? Putting any kind of medication in your body isn't normal and I would much rather take the route of natural healing. But there are no guarantees with either. Before being diagnosed with cancer, I always ate healthy foods. I exercised and did all the things I knew to benefit my body so it would be healthy and strong and yet, I got cancer.

Some people think that we all have cancer cells in our bodies and some people's cancer cells become active while others lie dormant, but that is simply not true. "Everyone has cells that have mutant proteins from DNA damage, but to say that that's cancer would be alarmist," says Jennifer Loros, Ph.D, a professor of biochemistry and genetics at Dartmouth medical school. "A cell's natural cycle has checkpoints when it determines whether it's in a healthy state and should divide, or is damaged and should repair or kill itself. Cancer can occur when the normal checkpoints in the cell cycle are misregulated somehow and the [unhealthy] cell starts dividing."

Since March, my focus has been on cancer. The second I found the mass in my breast, my attention remained on my health. I've been through test after test, biopsies, lab tests, surgeries, radiation and now chemotherapy. When I look in the rear view mirror of my life, I see how far I've come...how many obstacles have been placed in my path and how many I've been able to jump over.  It's been so difficult to traverse through each one, but God has given me the strength to do it. I have to agree with the Apostle Paul, "...forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." 

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has allowed me to be on this path, but He's also been with me through the entire journey. He has never left my side. He's never left me alone to figure things out. He has used this cancer to teach me and grow me. I know you've heard me say that many times before, but it's true! I have no clue where this next year is going to take me and I'm kind of glad I don't. For me, I'd rather not know what's coming because I like the suspense of not knowing. You may wonder how I can say that, but it's because I have faith. Without faith, I would be unable to hope for good things in the future. I would be unable to trust that God holds my future in the palm of His hands, but I know He does. 

Looking backward is fun for a moment or two, but looking ahead is so much more rewarding. The older I get, the more I realize how fast the years are flying by. There's not a moment to waste and I don't want to spend time focusing on the ones that have already passed by. I want to focus on the ones that are yet to come! 2015 is going to be a year filled with excitement and adventure and I'm looking forward with great anticipation to see where God takes me and how we're going to get there. I hope your new year is filled with many blessings and that you'll choose to look ahead and not behind. 

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