Utterly frustrated!

 

Facebook. It can be such a marvelous place to connect with old friends and stay in touch with distant family members, but it can also be a place of frustration and heartbreak. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, I've found a whole community of ladies through various Facebook sites. Some of the sites are very uplifting and filled with hope while others are filled with negativity and dread. When I first joined these groups, I was just looking for a little camaraderie and helpful advice. It's hard to figure things out when there's no manual for surviving cancer. I learned a lot and I met some nice people but I also learned very quickly how constant negativity can pull you down.

There's one woman I met recently on a Facebook breast cancer site. Her name is Jenny (I won't share her last name to protect her privacy.) She's in her mid 30's, the mother to 2 young boys, and the wife of a good looking man. She's got stage IV metastatic breast cancer I have stage 2B with metastasis to the lymph nodes. She's Triple Negative, which means none of the usual hormones (Estrogen, Progesterone or Her2Neu) feed her cancer. My cancer was fed by Estrogen and Progesterone. Triple Negative is nasty stuff. It is one of the most agressive, hard to treat breast cancers out there and it attacks many young women each year. I was really thankful I didn't have Triple Negative breast cancer.

When I first read Jenny's story, I was just comparing our lives. There were so many differences in our views on cancer and that didn't really surprise me because I don't think Jenny is a Christian. In every Facebook post and every Youtube video she puts up, Jenny is very matter of fact and very negative. I was so saddened by things she posted that I started to focus on reading between the lines. I wanted to hear what she wasn't saying. From what I could tell, Jenny was most certainly scared, as are most women diagnosed with breast cancer. The thing that really bothered me most was the fact that she didn't seem to have hope in anything. Every single post contained the words, "I know I'm not going to survive this," or "I know I'm going to die from this." Those words frustrated me so much. I believe there is a huge amount of power in the spoken word and I wanted to scream at Jenny and say, "Wake up! Speak life over yourself! You don't have to see things so negatively."

Let me make this clear. I don't know Jenny personally although we have had some exchanges via Facebook. I don't know her entire story, only what she's shared online and I'm certainly not judging her. I know each person comes from different backgrounds and upbringing. I know many people don't have a deep faith to sustain them. Maybe Jenny's just a realist or maybe she's truly come to accept the fact that she may not be around much longer...I don't really know. What I do know is your brain believes what you tell it and it acts on what it hears.

I want so badly to share my heart with Jenny and help her see how the negative words she speaks over herself affect her. I want to share Jesus with her and help her know there is a reason for hope even if she is in the last stage of her cancer journey, but I have to tread carefully here. She's posted on her Facebook wall that she doesn't want any unsolicited advice, so where does that leave me? It leaves me in a position to only pray for her and that is what I'm going to do.

I'm committing to pray for Jenny daily and I'm going to use every opportunity I get to post words of encouragement on her Facebook wall. I'd like to ask you to join with me in praying for this dear one...I know God allowed us to meet through the internet for a reason and I also know she's precious to Jesus even though she doesn't know and understand it yet.

It's hard to be a person of faith knowing there are so many lost souls in the world. It's even harder to be a breast cancer survivor and a woman of faith. It's a great responsibility to be a breast cancer survivor who is also a Christian. I want to walk out my faith in all aspects of my life and I want to help reach lost ones with the truth. It's important to me to let others know what God has done for me and how He's blessed me on this journey.

Poor Jenny...I can only imagine how challenging life must be for her without an anchor of hope. Please pray for me as I attempt to witness to her through loving words and deeds. At stage IV her cancer has metastasized into her liver, her lungs and her brain. It definitely doesn't sound good for her but God is a God of miracles and I believe with all my heart if He wants to heal her this side of heaven, He will. It may not be in His plan to heal her but I surely hope it is, even if it's not until she reaches glory. I just hope she makes it to glory and she won't if she doesn't hear and understand the truth. The Bible says, in Romans 10:17 "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ." If Jenny doesn't hear Scripture, how can she know the truth and how can she be set free?

I think God's given me a responsibility here to bring truth into Jenny's life. I want to be very tender and compassionate in my sharing. Please pray for opportunities in the days ahead for me to speak the truth in love. Thank you in advance and I'll keep you posted on how things progress. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Learning to accept plan B

Yesterday was a tough day...I'll admit it without any reservation. The more I fought against my physical limitations, the more they proved to me that they would win, and they did. I didn't like it one bit. I pouted and sulked. I was mad. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it! I was acting like a spoiled rotten little brat and while I did cross my arms...I didn't stamp my feet.

It's rough to have to learn to accept plan B, but today, I've decided that if I can't have plan A...the plan that I worked up in my own mind of all the things I wanted to accomplish in one day, then I'd have to learn to settle for plan B.

Today was a plan B day although I didn't know it when I woke up. I had thought it was going to be a plan A day. Even before my feet hit the floor, I'd made a mental checklist of all the things I was going to accomplish today. I had so many things on my list that I had to make myself eat breakfast first so I'd have energy just to begin working on my list and after I'd eaten, I got busy.

For about an hour, I began working on the first item on my Plan A checklist. When I accomplished that task, I smiled and got ready to begin the next task. I was on a roll! I was so proud of myself. Today wasn't going to be a day like yesterday, it was going to be so much better! But just as that thought slipped out of my brain, I got a text that changed everything.

It wasn't fair. I had been working so hard and doing so well. Now I had to drop everything and do something for someone else. Plan A was being tossed out the window and as it was sliding out, just underneath the window sill, I tried to grab it by the tail and hang on...

For the next 2 hours, I worked on the project I didn't have on my checklist...the one that came to me in a text. It was urgent and had to be done today. It was for a family member who was at work and couldn't take care of the project on company time. Love won out. I agreed to do the project out of love and that was why plan A could get away from me.

When I'd finished the project, I noticed it was almost 1:30. I hadn't eaten lunch. I was hungry. As I at the table eating my sandwich, I tried to formulate plan B. I could feel my arms already swelling and getting tight...just like they did yesterday. I knew I wasn't going to be able to accomplish plan B either...well, not today anyway. Maybe I could work on plan B tomorrow.

And so, I was reminded of a verse of Scripture. "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Proverbs 19:21. I can plan and plan and plan but my plans won't always come to fruition. Sometimes I can accomplish the things I set out to accomplish and other times, I can't. For a type A personality, an overachiever, people pleaser, gotta get it done now kinda person, that's a hard lesson to learn. But maybe God's teaching me that it's okay to let plan A go and that sometimes, plan B is a much better plan than plan A was to start with!

Several of my friends have sympathized with me saying, "you just have to get used to your new normal." What is a new normal? For me, I've yet to find out but I think it's going to include learning to understand my physical limitations and accept them. It will more than likely include learning to rest when I'm tired and learning to say no when I need to...that's a hard one for me! I don't ever like to tell someone no but...the people pleaser in me has now died. I know it's okay to set boundaries. They're healthy and necessary. They protect me from overextending myself.

So, Plan A...you were so grand and so wonderful. It was an honor to work with you while it lasted but now, it's your turn, plan B....whaddya got??? Will your list be much shorter? Will it be more simple? Will it involve less detail? Hmmm...I just might like you, Plan B, if I can just get used to you. "I'm sorry plan A," I say as plan A slinks out of the room with a huff.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Where's my happiness?

Most of my readers know I've drastically cut down on my writing. Instead of blogging once a day, I cut it down to once a week and now I feel like I don't have anything to say at all. Perhaps it's just writer's block or perhaps it's just the sheer frustration of having to sit down at the computer and try to come up with something witty to say. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Something is different in me. Since my surgery, I don't feel the same. Something has drastically changed. I notice it. My husband notices it and those who know me well notice it. I can't pinpoint what it is but it's something. I've always been so happy go lucky. I've always been gung ho to plan something on the spur of the moment. I was the one who took chances. Now I feel strangely different.

There's a movie my children and grandchildren love to watch at Christmas. It's called "Noel." The movie is about a red shiny Christmas ornament named Noel. Noel lives in a box with other glass ornaments but something is very different about him...he's always full of happiness. When the other ornaments in the box gripe and complain at being taken out year after year and hung on the tree, Noel is always excited. When the lid on her box is lifted and he is gently removed from his home Noel squeals with glee. The story continues year after year with new families coming to live in the house where Noel's box of ornaments reside. Over the years, the ornaments receive chips and dings when not handled with care. Some of the ornaments are broken and discarded. Noel, survives throughout years and years of families who hang her on the tree at Christmas. But one year, he falls from the tree and breaks. As he falls, he lands right at the foot of the Christmas tree and sees a tiny nativity scene. It is there that Noel realizes something is vastly wonderful and different. As he breaks into many shattered piece of glass, his inner happiness is released and he flies off into oblivion content to be happy and fulfilled inside. As he glides away, he says, "my name is Noel and I have a happiness!" That movie, with its simple message of Christmas joy, continues to be one of my grandchildren's favorites. Perhaps it's because Noel is always positive, always happy no matter what his circumstances are...he just keeps smiling.

As I thought about Noel today, I realized maybe my happiness is missing. This is the time of year I love most. I love decorating. I love seeing Christmas plays. I love singing carols. I love being in church and celebrating Christ's birth. Why do I feel so blah? I haven't wanted to go anywhere or do anything. I stay holed up in my house. I still feel so self conscious about not having my breasts. I know I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. How long does it take for this feeling of hopelessness to pass? Why am I letting my lack of breasts dictate my life? I don't have answers. I am very frustrated.

This past weekend, some of my very dear friends drove all the way from Lawrenceville to see us. We don't get to see them often, but when we do it is such a joy. We met for lunch and exchanged Christmas gifts. We had a very nice time but I wasn't my usual chipper self. After lunch, my friend wanted to go shopping. Normally, I would have been eager to go but this time, I wasn't. We did go into one craft store together but instead of looking all through the store like I used to do, I just got what I needed and left. I know my friends must have been baffled at my lack of enthusiasm for shopping, especially at this time of year, but I just wasn't up to it. Even after 4 1/2 months, my body still hurts. I can't seem to get used to the physical limitations. I'm finding I have to take breaks often. Another cancer survivor told me I would have to learn to listen to my body. It's hard to hear your body say, "Get me out of here...I'm ready to give up." It's really challenging to be in constant pain. I feel like Noel when he off the tree and shattered.

I'm not a negative person. It hurts me to be writing this post today, because the people who know me well know I'm not like this. I'm trying, really I am. I've decorated my house for Christmas, although it is a far cry from what I have always done in the past...but I did try. I haven't wanted to go out to shop...not once. I did order a few things on the internet for my Texas grands, but that's it.

My happiness is still deep inside of me. I know I haven't lost it completely, but it isn't the same as it once was...this Christmas will be very different for me. I know when the kids and grandkids come to visit, they'll bring their wonderful energy and joy. They'll fill the house up with happiness that I'm missing right now. Maybe that little boost of enthusiasm will spark something deep inside and allow my happiness to flow free again.

Please don't misunderstand, my happiness comes from Jesus and I know I'll never lose that but I'm just having a tough time this year. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I need to give myself more time for my body to heal and begin to feel better. Maybe things will be very different in another month or two...I sure hope so.

Watch Noel Part 1
Watch Noel Part 2

©bonnie annis all rights reserved