The word is Joy

Every New Year's Eve, I ask God to give me a word on which to focus throughout the year. Last year, my word was TRUST. This year, God gave me the word JOY. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting this to be the word He'd chosen for me, but I know He has His reasons. Last year, when He gave me the word TRUST, I never dreamed I'd rely on that one word so much in my life, but God knew. Last year was filled with challenges that I never could have managed to meet without trusting Him for wisdom, guidance, and direction.

Years ago, I started the tradition of seeking God for His specific word for me at the beginning of the new year. I don't remember what prompted me to do it, it must have been something I'd read somewhere. Maybe it was something one of my favorite Christian authors encouraged or maybe it was a blog post I'd read on the internet...in any event, I thought it was a good habit to get into, so I adopted it for myself.

So this year's word is JOY. When I feel God speaking to my heart about a specific word, I usually begin by asking Him to confirm what I'm hearing. I do this by spending a lot of time in prayer and by digging into the Bible. When I am sure of the word He's given, the next thing I do is look up all the definitions I can find of that word, even if I already know what it means. By doing this, I always learn something new.

Joy's definition:
1, the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.
2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.
3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4. a state of happiness or felicity.

Okay, so I've got the meaning of the word. The next thing I do is find verses in the Bible that contain the word and then I study them individually. My Bible is the Amplified version and I love it because it contains extra information gleaned from the original Greek and Hebrew. For example, here's the first couple of verses I want to focus on this year, James 1:2-3. The New International version of the Bible says it this way: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." But look at how much more detail the Amplified Bible gives: "Consider it nothing but joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fall into various trials. Be assured that the testing of your faith [through experience] produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace]." With that verse in mind, I then begin to apply it to my life and ask God to help me understand what He has to say to me from that verse. 

If you've been reading my blog since it's inception, you'll know I've written a little on this subject before, but please allow me to touch on it once again. How is it possible to consider cancer with joy? The only way to do it is to see it through God's eyes and to know He allowed it into my life. And no, when I was first diagnosed, I did not in any way, shape, or form consider breast cancer to be joyful. I felt abandoned and forgotten. I felt bewildered and alone. But, since my diagnosis, God has taken me on a wonderful journey. He's increased my faith exponentially throughout this ordeal. 

It's only been 18 months since I received my initial diagnosis. In that year and a half, I have been through so much emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Would I change anything over that period of time? Not really. I might have changed the way I reacted and the way I perceived things, but I wouldn't change anything else. Oh, sure! I wish I'd never been given the horrible news that cancer was residing in my body, but looking back...even what was meant to destroy me has been used for my good. 

Only God could know that sending the trial of breast cancer my way would produce in me the desired spiritual maturity He deemed necessary. Don't get me wrong...I certainly have not learned all He wants to teach me through this and I'm sure there are still many bumps in the road ahead. With His grace and mercy, I'll meet those difficult times and hopefully, I'll be able to squeeze a little joy into the journey. 

Joy. Yes, Lord. I agree. It's a fitting word for me this year. I haven't focused much on joy lately, in fact, I think I've been far from it with my complaining and my griping. I've been caught up in all the discomfort I've been feeling with my swollen arms, the bulging discs in my back, and the physical fatigue. Pain isn't very joyful. I haven't been feeling joy at all. I can't even remember the last time I rejoiced. So thank you, God, for giving me this word for the year. I look forward to what you have to teach me about joy and rejoicing. Today, another Bible verse just popped into my head as I was about to wind up this post - "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24. 

Yes, it's often easier, especially when you're feeling rotten to complain, but I don't want to always do that. Joy is a choice and today, I choose joy!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Today is a good day

Every single day is a challenge. From the moment I wake up until the time I go to bed, my day is filled with choices. I have to decide, before my feet hit the floor, whether this is going to be a good day or a bad day; and that choice depends mainly on how I'm feeling physically.

Today, my arms aren't swollen yet. My bones don't ache and my muscles don't feel like they're all kinked up in knots. I think today will be a good day.

I get up and make my bed. As I spread the down comforter over my mountain of pillows, I have to laugh. Who, in their right mind, sleeps with a down comforter on their bed during the month of June in Georgia? But I've always been cold natured and I guess it's better than the electric blanket (which I took off the bed last month). Hubby has learned to let me do whatever it takes to feel comfortable and if that means letting me sleep with a down comforter, even though it's 90 degrees outside, he does it. Of course, I make concessions. I do turn the thermostat down to 74 degrees and we use a ceiling fan to make the room comfortable for him.

My hubby is a giver and I've become a taker. I never used to be a taker, but trying to find a way to sleep comfortably has forced me to become one. In the previous paragraph, I mentioned my mountain of pillows. You wouldn't believe the number of pillows it takes to help me feel comfortable at night. I have two pillows under my head, two under each arm, and one under my knees. Inevitably, those pillows start out in a nice, neat little mountain when we first get into bed but as the night goes on, I toss and turn and the pillows shift everywhere.

I usually get 2/3 of the bed and my poor, loving husband gets the other 1/3 if he's lucky. Sometimes, during the middle of the night, when I get up to use the restroom, I see him clinging to the edge of the bed. My heart hurts because I know he'll never complain. He knows how much trouble I have sleeping and he's willing to sacrifice so I can gain a few precious hours of sleep.

After making the bed and getting dressed, I go into the kitchen to make myself breakfast. As I eat my actual food, I feed myself on spiritual food from the Bible. This is a regular morning routine for me and it provides me with assurance that God is with me. As I read, I'm reminded that He is always with me. He knows my fears and my insecurities and yet, He loves me through them.

After my devotion and prayer time, I start to work on the house. Laundry and dishes are a constant but I don't mind. I'm just thankful I have the energy to do them today. Some days I don't, but today, so far, is a good day.

I drag the heavy vacuum cleaner from the closet. It's such a challenge to pull that thing around! My arms are so weak since surgery but I do it slowly and surely. I told my husband the other day that I didn't think I could keep tugging the vacuum around because it's so heavy and he told me to order a new light weight vacuum cleaner! And so I did! I am so thankful this will be the last time I have to fight with this one.

Finally, I finish cleaning and I am surprised to find that I still have some energy. Most days, my energy has gone by early afternoon. I decide to make a batch of oatmeal cookies. Hubby loves cookies and this will be a nice surprise for him when he comes home from work.

Pulling out my mixing bowl, I began to measure ingredients into it. First comes the oatmeal, then the flour, and spices. Next the melted butter, the raisins, and the eggs. As I crack each eggshell, I am reminded how fragile they are...just one tiny tap is all it took to shatter the thin, white, protective covering. As I mix all the ingredients together, I can't help but think about my life...just like the cookie batter, it takes some sweet and not so sweet ingredients to make it work.

The cookies smell divine as they are baking. I can't wait for them to get done so I can taste one. It has been a long time since I've baked anything. The cinnamon and the vanilla are wafting through the air. The timer is counting down. I am salivating! As soon as the timer goes off, I carefully lift the cookies from the oven. They look perfect! I am so proud!

As I bring the warm cookie to my mouth, I savor each bite. I let the texture of the oatmeal wash over my tongue and the sweet chewiness of the raisins dance in my mouth. What a simple pleasure and it is gone in an instant. I pick up another cookie and in just a few bites, it disappears too. Oh my gosh! These are so addictive! I haven't had sugar in months and now, I am out of control!

I take just one more cookie from the baking sheet. I decide to make this one last as long as possible. Bit by bit, I pinch off tiny bites and slip them into my mouth. All my senses are stimulated as the ingredients tickle each of my taste buds. My cell phone rings and I walk away from the kitchen. It's a good thing I did otherwise, I'd have probably eaten the entire tray of cookies!

It's mid afternoon now and I'm still feeling good. My energy has slowed just a little bit, but I'm still planning to tackle a few more projects while I can. The good days far outnumber the bad days for me lately and I'm so thankful. For many months it was the other way around. I don't take these days for granted because they are such blessings. Just being able to go through my daily routine brings me such joy.

The smell of the oatmeal cookies has filled every nook and cranny. That delectable aroma is so enticing, but I'm making myself avoid the kitchen at all costs. Maybe after supper, I'll sneak just one more cookie...afterall, it's been a really good day!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Well, shut my mouth!

My oldest daughter caught it and called me on it. It was a slip of the tongue, but I'd made the mistake several times recently. I never even realized it, but I was still claiming I had cancer. I told complete strangers, "I have breast cancer," when in all actuality, that was a lie! I don't HAVE cancer any more! What I should have said is, "I HAD cancer!" What a difference there are in those two words - HAVE  and HAD. One is present tense and one is past tense. How did I fall into that trap? Why hadn't I realized what I was saying? I certainly didn't want to HAVE cancer! After all, I'd spent the past 8 months recovering from painful surgery and treatment to erradicate it from my body.

I'm a firm believer that there is power in the spoken word. The Bible says it too,  "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life](Proverbs 18:21) The Bible also says that "out of the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. (James 3:10) So why had I chosen to CURSE myself by saying, "I have cancer," as if I still had it? Was I believing a lie from the pits of hell that Satan had been whispering in my ear, "Bonnie, you don't know if the cancer is really gone...there could be some rogue cells that split off and traveled into your blood stream during surgery...they could be lurking somewhere in your body doing all kinds of bad things...they could be growing and you don't even know it...your cancer is going to come back one day when you least suspect it! It's going to sneak up on you like a ticking time bomb and then, what are you going to do????"

Those lies had subtly attached themselves in my mind and it was time to root them out for good! I made a conscious decision to be very careful about what I spoke over myself from that point forward. Instead of speaking a curse, "I HAVE cancer," I was going to speak a blessing, "I HAD cancer." I'm sorry if I've confused you, saying I had cancer, a blessing? Yes! Keep reading.

I asked God to help me understand His viewpoint on the matter and He led me straight to the Bible. In the book of James, chapter 1 verses 2-8, it says, "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. ..."

Now I've read this verse a million times before throughout my life but this time, I read it with an emphasis on the word JOY and TRIALS. They seem to be contradictory don't they? Joy isn't the first thing I think of when I hear the word trial. I usually think of pain, suffering, hardship, and longsuffering. But God wants us to be joyful knowing that there's a purpose for the trial. He wants us to understand that although it's challenging and difficult, He's going to use it to do a mighty thing in our lives, and that's how cancer has been a blessing to me. He's used it to teach me and mold me into who He wants me to be.

The more and more I thought about this verse, the more I realized I needed to learn to fight back! I wasn't going to listen to those lies from Satan any more. I was going to speak life over myself. I was going to be joyful! What a concept...to fight back with joy! Who would have ever thought joy could be used as a weapon? I certainly didn't, but God had revealed this to me as I pondered the scriptures from the book of James.

Now don't get me wrong. It hasn't been easy to begin to fight back with joy. It's been challenging. I've had to learn to shift my focus. Instead of focusing on what has been taken from me (my breasts and my femininity) I have to look at what remains (my life, my spirit, my family.) I know it doesn't make sense, especially when your whole world has been turned upside down, but I really felt like God was impressing on my heart to focus on JOY. Joy isn't only an emotion, it's an action...it's something we can do, regardless of how we feel or what our emotions say.

So how could I be joyful? The best way to have joy is to give joy. I began thinking about how I could make others happy. So I began to pray and ask God to lay people on my heart and He did! He gave me a long list of names, some family, some friends, and some people I've never even met. How could I spread joy to them? I began asking God to reveal specific ways for me to minister His love and joy to each person. I'm still working on the list and jotting down things that God is impressing on my heart, but for some of the people, He's just impressed on me to send a card and other's I feel led to call. Some require a small gift and others just need prayer. In ever instance, God is allowing me to see that joy is indeed an action. It is intentional and when we give it away, just like with love, it comes back to us.

Joy is very different from happiness although the two do go hand in hand. A dictionary definition of happiness is “a state of well-being, a pleasurable or satisfying experience.” The definition of the word “rejoice,” from which our word “joy” comes, is “to feel great delight, to welcome or to be glad.” The word “joy” comes from the Greek root word chara and means "to be exceedingly glad."James 1:2says, “Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials.” How could we ever consider going through difficulties and trials a reason to feel joy? James 1:3-4 gives us a clue when it says, “Knowing that the testing of our faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” The deep, abiding joy comes as we persevere through trials, with God’s help, and our faith matures and is strengthened. So happiness tends to be fleeting and depends upon temporal factors like circumstances or other people. Joy, on the other hand, is true contentment that comes from internal factors like our faith in the Lord. True joy is everlasting and not dependent upon circumstances. So the Bible teaches that happiness is fleeting because it often depends on things outside of ourselves, but true joy is eternal because it is based on our relationship with Jesus Christ, which is itself an everlasting source of joy.

Every year I pray and ask God to give me one word on which to focus throughout the year. Last year, the word He gave me was TRUST. What a fitting word to give me when I was going to face the most difficult trial of my life! This year, He gave me the word JOY. I can't wait to see how He's going to lead me into discovering a deeper understanding of this word.

Joy in the midst of trial...doesn't make much sense, does it? But according to God, that's exactly how we're supposed to face trials...joyfully. I'm in the midst of learning this lesson and I'm also in the midst of learning to keep my mouth on guard. I have to be very careful with the words I speak over myself. Yes, I HAD breast cancer, but I don't HAVE it any more! Praise God! I'm a survivor! As of this post, I've been cancer free for 8 months and I'm trusting God that my future health is in His hands. 

Maybe you need to consider fighting back with joy. Have you ever thought of joy as a weapon against the enemy? What's your natural response when you come face to face with a trial you didn't expect? Do you immediately recoil in fear or do you put up your fists ready to fight? It's not easy to be joyful when life throws us unexpected challenges but it is doable. It takes practice, but with discipline and strength from God, you can do it. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Reactions to my decision

Yesterday I shared my decision not to take the medications my Oncologist had prescribed for me. The feedback I received from family and friends was varied. Some of my nearest and dearest friends were confused and one of them even dared to say I was selfish in my decision. I was shocked to know they felt this way and never thought my decision could be perceived as being selfish. Most who voiced their opinions were very encouraging and supportive of my decision. I imagine it's very difficult for someone who's never experienced a close brush with cancer to understand my choice but those who've walked the journey with a friend or loved one know that each of us must choose the path that best fits our needs.

When I made my decision, I didn't base it on what others might think, say, or do. I carefully and purposefully spent time seeking wisdom and direction from God. As I dug deep into the Word, He constantly reaffirmed the fact that I was not alone. He reminded me of great men and women of faith and how even under adverse circumstances, they had followed after Him. I was greatly encouraged as I read one of my favorite books, the book of James. These verses spoke to my heart:

"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing. If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of [a]the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching orfaultfinding, and it will be given him. Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind. For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord, [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides]."  James 1:2-8 Amplified Bible

There were many things that stood out to me from those verses. The very first thing that jumped off the page was the first sentence in verse 2. I'm going to paraphrase those verses as I interpreted them while I was reading and praying to the Lord. "When you experience any kind of trial or temptation, you should be first filled with JOY because you know that going through the experience will do a great work in your faith life. The trial will be used to teach you to stand firm...to endure...to suffer long. It will be used to mold and shape you into the person Christ desires you to become. The trial has been allowed to enter your life for His purposes and has come with His expressed permission. It was not an accident. It was no surprise to Him although it may have caught you off guard. Since you trust in the Lord with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind...you can trust that this journey with, in, and through cancer will be used as a teaching tool. It will be used for God's purposes and everything will go according to His perfect plan for your life. You have come seeking wisdom because you don't know what to do. You want to do what God wants you to do and yet, you don't know what that is so, be bold! Ask God! Ask Him for clarity...for wisdom and direction! Have faith and don't doubt! Ask expecting to receive an answer and that answer will be straight from God, not from your own mind and not from what you think or feel you should do." 

So as I waited patiently on the Lord, I continued to pray. For over two weeks, I prayed and sought His will and direction. Upon my return from Texas, I continued to pray. The morning after we returned, before my feet even hit the floor as I prepared to get out of bed, I felt a wonderful peace flood my spirit. I heard the words, "eat kingdom food" as clearly as if someone were standing in my bedroom with me speaking to me. I rose and pondered what those words meant. Did they mean for me to continue to feast on the word of God or did they mean make a huge change in my diet? As I prayed, I felt God leading me to make a drastic change in the way I've been eating. 

I've learned over the years to hear the voice of God in my life. It has taken many, many years of prayer and listening with discernment to make sure I am clearly hearing from God and not just hearing my own heart's desires. I've even learned to test what I've heard to verify the validity of my hearing so imagine my surprise when I heard God telling me to cut all sugar and processed foods!!! That's going to be a huge lifestyle change! I love chocolate! I love ice cream! I love pizza! Just about everything we eat nowadays is filled with sugar or processed in an unhealthy way. So the kingdom food He instructed me to eat, in my understanding, is organic, raw, healthy fruits, vegetables and grains. 

There have been many studies on cancer and the ways sugar aids in helping to feed those cells. Since I'm not going to be taking the medication to block Estrogen and Progesterone from feeding the cancer cells, I have to combat it with foods that God intended us to eat in the first place! In the garden of Eden, there weren't boxes of prepackaged foods filled with all kinds of unpronounceable names. There were very simple, organic foods. 

I was leary of calling my doctor to give him this news. I didn't know how he would react. Would he be shocked and refuse to continue to care for me? Would he support me in my decision? When I called his office, I was unable to speak directly to the doctor because he was in the midst of seeing patients. I was able to leave a message on the nurse's line and had only a few minutes to think how I should word what I was going to say. I told them my name and birthdate as instructed by the automated recording and then I proceeded to say "After much prayer and discussion with my husband, I've decided NOT to take the medications you prescribed. I have an appointment next month and will be happy to discuss my decision with you at that time. Should you have any questions, please feel free to call me." I left my number and hung up. I was pleased. I'd said all I needed to say. 

When I see the doctor at the end of next month, I'm hoping he'll see a marked difference in my appearance and my blood work. Since he's Jewish, I'll share with him about my faith and how it is integral in every part of my life, but especially in daily decisions that affect my health. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had A.M.A. scribbled across their charts. (A.M.A. means against medical advice for those of you won't didn't know) And then there are those countless others who blindly accept the traditional route of treatment...surgery, chemo, radiation, and adjuvant therapies like Tamoxifen, Arimidex, Aromasin, or Femara. I wonder how many of them do their homework and read about the side effects and long range statistics associated with those treatments? I admit, when I was first diagnosed, I didn't know what to do. I made the mistake of not taking time to seek the Lord. I only listened to my doctor and all the medical team. I did what I was told. Oh, I did make one initial decision...when my breast surgeon gave me the option of having a lumpectomy and chemo then followup mammograms for every 3 months for the rest of my life and possibly more surgeries to come, I said no. I asked if my odds were better going the route of mastectomies and she adamantly agreed they would be. When I asked her what she would do if it were her, she said she'd go the mastectomy route. 

When my Oncologist and I talked at our first visit, I asked him point blank..."if I were your wife or daughter, what would you advise me to do with regard to chemo?" He immediately said, "I'd advise you NOT to take it." At least he was honest. I was thankful for that. That's one reason I'm hoping he'll support me in my decision not to take the medication. If he doesn't, I guess I'll be looking for a new doctor but even if I end up doing that, I know I already have the Great Physician on my team and that's really all I'll ever need.

So my game plan now is to begin eliminating sugar and processed foods from my diet. I know it will be hard, but I've got to do it. I'll also study the Bible more to learn how to fight back with joy. If I'm to consider it "wholly joyful" when I experience trials and temptations, I've got to figure out how to be filled with joy even when things are difficult in my life. I guess the main thing I'm trying to say here is that I've got to learn how to change my perspective! I've got to learn to focus not on what's going on around me but what God's doing in my life. When I can meet difficulties with joy and see them from His perspective, I can learn to accept any and everything He sends into my life.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved