Another new year

It's so hard to believe today is January 1, 2016. It sounds so unreal...two thousand sixteen...wow! When I was a child growing up in the late 1950's and early 1960's, I never dreamed I'd even exist in the year 2016. It was fun to watch the Jetsons on TV and dream of the future, but to be in the middle of it is incomprehensible. Celebrating another new year has caused me to really take things in perspective and to really focus on time.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I removed my watch and haven't put it back on since. I didn't want to be cognizant of time. I wanted to learn to live in the moment and for the past year and a half, it's been wonderful to do just that very thing. I've found myself being more present. Time has taken on a new meaning. Isn't it strange that it took cancer to give me this gift? The beautiful ugliness of cancer has caused all things important in my life to rise to the surface. I've learned to let the things that didn't matter slough off like dead skin on the bottom of dry, hard, calloused feet. The things that matter are in front of me now...front and center...my faith, my family, my friends.

Today, I was forced to consider time in a new way. Instead of focusing on the present, I looked to the future. I wondered how much time I have left on this journey. I don't think about my life that way very often, but as I looked at the bottle of Aromasin sitting in my cabinet, I couldn't help but wonder if it would help prolong my life...perhaps help buy a little more time.

I'd had that bottle of Aromasin sitting in the cabinet for a little over a week and a half. The oncologist had given it and instructed me to begin taking it right away but I didn't. I had to think long and hard about it, but this was the day. I'd talked with my husband about whether or not he thought I should take it. We'd sat at the kitchen table joining hands and asking God for wisdom and direction. We'd asked for His protection. I picked up the pill bottle and held it in my hand turning it around and around. Should I or shouldn't I? I wasn't really sure but Phil said I should at least try it for a month. One month. We'd decided it was a good idea to try this medication for one month, kind of a trial run. We wanted to see if it would really help. Our hope was it would provide a way to gain more time.

I looked at the tiny white pill as it rested in the fleshy folds of my hand. It was so minuscule and yet, it contained a very powerful formulation of medication. How could such a little pill pack such a powerful punch to the hormone Estrogen in my body? I didn't understand it and didn't pretend to, I just took the pill.

The Aromasin went down easily with a glass of water. As I took it, I prayed I wouldn't experience the nasty side effects that went along with this type of medication. I didn't want my hair to fall out and I didn't want to have my bones become brittle and weak. It was scary taking this risk.

Time. Before me lie 365 days of unknown future. As I write this, I stare at a little plaque that sits on my desk. It says, "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow." As I think about my past, my present and my future, I know God has always been there and always will be. As I wonder about what's in store for me in this new year, one of my favorite verses of Scripture pops into my head - " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 That verse is one I cling to on a daily basis, especially now.

It's hard to explain the way breast cancer has changed my perspective on life. Others who've suffered from cancer or debilitating diseases can probably understand a little more easily than those of you who are in perfectly good health. I guess what I hope to convey in this post is my desire to cherish each and every moment God sees fit to give me. I don't want to take any of them for granted like I did in the past and that is why I can honestly say cancer has been a gift. It's been a teaching gift, one that has taught me such valuable lessons I might never have learned had I not been given the opportunity to walk this path.

Have you ever noticed the name of my blog? I named it Journey Into Pink. I wanted to choose a name that would embody how I saw my experience with cancer. A journey is defined as:

1. a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time
2. a period of travel
3. passage or progress from one stage to another

I never intended to spend any length of time on the road with cancer. My intention was to walk through it and come out victorious on the other side. I always have seen myself as a sojourner, a traveler passing through this life. One thing I've learned on my journey is God's timing determines the length and duration of my journey. 

So this year, as I begin the first day of this new segment of my life, I am grateful. When I got out of bed this morning, the first thing I did was give thanks to God for another day of life. I may not know how many days I have left, but I know who holds my future. 

There are 29 pills left in that bottle. I will take another tomorrow morning. Yes, I will pray again and hope for the best but I will choose not to be afraid of tomorrow. My time is in His hands and I will choose to take it one moment at a time.

Before my cancer diagnosis, I waited on the big moments in my life while trying to live faithfully through the small ones. Now, that way of life feels so strange to me. I live in the big, open grace of the small moments and wait expectantly and humbly for the big moments to come. The small things have come to matter so much more...a fire in the fireplace, a mug of tea in my hand, the smile of a grandchild, a kiss from my husband...all of those things are priceless treasures of time. Cancer has slowed me down and caused me to see more clearly. I hope this new year will help you see things in a new light. It's so easy to take moments for granted...they slip away so quickly and when they're gone, you can never get them back. Hold on tightly to the things that matter most and let the rest fall away. It's a new day...a new year, a new chance at learning to live life well. I hope you choose wisely. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Time to start living again

Every day I hear of another...sister, mother, wife, friend who's been diagnosed with breast cancer or one who's at the point of death. Will the number of breast cancer cases ever end? Will they ever find a cure? Will they ever find the cause? It's so frustrating because it seems it's more prevalent now than it ever has been before. And hearing of these new cases or these at the point of death continually reminds me that the fear of recurrence is lurking in the shadows. No matter how hard I try to keep those thoughts at bay, they're there...whispering to my subconscious mind.

Daily, I do battle. When I get up in the morning, I thank God that I was able to open my eyes and I thank Him for one more day...just one more day. I don't take my days for granted any longer, but oh boy...I surely used to. I never gave a thought to waking up, I just always assumed I would...but that was before cancer.

One of my daughters spoke some truth into my life yesterday. She told me it was time to start living again. Those words pounded hard into my heart. Time. to. start. living. again. They made me realize...when did I give up? When did I stop living? The more I thought about it, the more I realized I accepted the death sentence that was handed to me over a year ago. That fateful day in June, when I heard those three dreaded words over the phone - YOU HAVE CANCER....YOU. It was not someone else, it was me. I was the one who had cancer. ME. And that day, a little piece of my heart died.

I continued to let her words sink into my spirit. It's time to start living again. But how do I let go of the fear that continues to haunt me, to comfort me? Gosh, I can't believe I even said that...comfort me??? In some wickedly strange way, knowing I have, NO HAD, cancer has given me a reason to not do many of the things I used to do in the past. Was I using it as an excuse to not do things I used to enjoy? This was going to take some time to pour over. Surely, I wasn't doing this...NOT ME, NOT POLLYANA BONNIE...THE ONE WHO ALWAYS LOOKS AT THINGS WITH ROSE COLORED GLASSES... oh, but I was...

My social life has been non-existent since cancer. I've become AGORAPHOBIC. I've had a horrible fear of being out in public, away from the safety of my home...the familiar things, the comfortable things. It's been so much easier to stay holed up in my house like a modern day hermit. I haven't needed anyone but ME, MYSELF, AND I. I've found security in my routines...my daily routines and when those routines are disrupted, I find myself feeling scattered and fearful. Why am I letting CANCER have this power over me???

5 YEARS. 5.YEARS.  The standard life expectancy given to patients by oncologists when they're diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm 19 months into my 5 year period. I didn't even realize how that number has stuck in my mind...like a jail sentence. You have 5 years. 5. 5 years on death row...But it's time to start living again.

You know what they say...out of the mouth of babes. The daughter who spoke this truth into my life is my oldest daughter, Erin. She's a godly woman. I'm so proud of her. She's been such a wonderful source of support and encouragement to me since I was diagnosed. Daily, she calls to check up on me. She isn't afraid to speak truth to me even when I don't want to hear it and I'm thankful for that.

I've been thinking a lot about the words she shared with me...it's time to start living again. But where do I begin? How do I bring myself to the point of being able to step out and be brave? It's so hard to admit that I'm struggling. I don't want people to know that about me. It makes me vulnerable but see, that's another part of cancer. It demeans. It decimates. It destroys. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

I know I need to rise above. I know I need to walk in faith. I have a little sign in my office that reminds me I'm braver than I believe, stronger than I seem, and smarter than I think. It's a quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh. It's so easy for people to give you those pat answers but this is something I've got to figure out myself. Don't judge me. You're probably thinking, just do it, but that's easier said than done. No one can truly understand the physical, emotional and spiritual effects cancer has on a person. Each one of us have to make our own way through it. Some people find that cancer support groups help, but I have to fight my own demons. I have to work my way through it and I know I will.

Yes, it's time to start living again and yes, I'm working on it. All I can do it take one day at a time and make little baby steps of progress. Realizing the words she spoke to me were true is the first of many steps to come. I don't want to stay in the land of the dead, the cursed, the sentenced to die. I want to rejoin the land of the living.

Another of my daughters watches a TV show called the "Walking Dead." It's a show about the Apocalypse and Zombies. I watched it with her once but wasn't impressed. You can only take so much of those gory looking creatures with skin hanging off their bones. How appropriate the title is for the show, the "Walking Dead." I don't want to be one of them and in order to keep from staying there, I have to figure out a way to climb out of this pit I'm in...It's time to start living again...

Next month I go see a new oncologist. I'm going to be open and honest with him. I'm going to admit I have a problem. I'm going to talk to him about my depression and agoraphobia. I'm going to ask him for help and hope he'll set me on the right track and help me find my way to the land of the living once again.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Landslide

It's a rainy, dreary November morning and as I look outside, I see all the leaves on the trees are changing color. There are beautiful shades of yellow, red, and gold. The wind blows gently stirring the trees. A shower of leaves fall reminding me that time is creeping by.

The clock on the kitchen wall chimes. I glance toward it and realize I've forgotten to turn the time back. Spring forward...fall back. Daylight savings time. I've never understood why it was necessary to turn back the hands of time. It gets darker earlier now, true, but why set the clocks back? Why not just leave time alone and let it be? Why do we have to interfere?

Time has become an important realization in my life lately. It seems, with every leaf that falls, with every minute that ticks by, I'm realizing things never stay the same. Stevie Nicks' song, Landslide, pummels my mind. These verses crowd my thoughts:

"Can I handle the seasons of my life? 
Well, I've been afraid of changing 
'Cause I've built my life around you 
But time makes you bolder, even children get older and I'm getting older too"

I ponder the questions in the song lyrics. Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know. When I was younger, I'd have immediately said yes. Now that I'm older, the seasons are becoming more difficult to handle, more challenging than I'd ever dreamed.

I have been afraid of changing. Every time I look into the mirror, I see myself growing older. No matter how many times I color my hair to hide the whiteness, no matter how much makeup I put on...I can't hide the fact that I'll soon have 58 years. I feel my body deteriorating daily. My strength isn't what it used to be. I'm not as limber as I once was. Just like the trees outside. I feel like I'm entering the Autumn of my life. I feel like I'm on the edge of a great precipice looking down and soon, the landslide will come and carry me away. Life is so fragile.

Speaking of fragile life, yesterday, I went to visit my mother. She's in a nursing home. My husband was sweet enough to take me to see her. It's a long drive and took nearly 2 hours to get there. When we entered the room, she was lying in bed watching one of her favorite shows on television. Her frail, little roommate was sitting in her wheelchair on her side of the room. We spoke to Mrs. "S" as we entered, remembering she is hard of hearing we spoke a little louder than we normally would have spoken. She replied a feeble hello. Mama looked up as we approached and smiled. She was glad to see us. I noticed, since our last visit, she's aged. Her eyes looked weaker. Her hands shakier. Her body is wearing out. As we visited, I tried to pay attention to little details, to listen more intently. We had a good visit and after a few hours, I could tell Mama was becoming tired so we said our goodbyes and left. Time. Where had it gone?

Sometimes I wish I was still a child. It was easier back then. There was security in knowing my parents would be there to love and protect me. I felt safe knowing whenever I had a problem I could run to my mother, but now, I don't burden her with my problems. She's got enough of her own. It's sad to realize nothing ever stays the same. Things are always changing.

On the drive home, I looked over at my husband. I've built my life around you. I see he's getting older too. His hair is a beautiful silvery gray. His beard is stark white. He is my life love, so tender and so kind. He is my rock...sturdy and strong. He is dependable, faithful, and true. I have built my life around him. But time is working against us. How much longer will we have together? Sometimes I am afraid. I'm afraid of being alone.

The leaves on the trees are clinging with all their might through this gentle Fall rain, but some of them just can't hold on any longer. I watch them drift slowly down to the ground. They float so tenderly. Within days, the leaves that have fallen will turn brown...dead...lifeless. Their beautiful color will fade and be no more.

But as I look at the leaves I am reminded of something. Life and death go hand in hand. The dead leaves covering the ground will provide a covering for little seedlings that will emerge in the Spring. Their decay will provide good, fertilized soil and nutrients for new life in a few months.

The hour chimes on my clock and once again, I think of my life. Time makes you bolder. I don't see myself as bold, but as I've gotten older, I've taken more chances. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, my priorities have changed. I've realized how very short life truly is and I try to live in the moment now.

Even children get older...I'm not the only one getting older. I see my children getting older, too. While I still sometimes see them as they were when they were younger, I realize they are adults now. They are capable of making their own decisions. They don't need me as much as they once did. I watch them as they live their lives. I'm proud of the people they've become. I've raised them well. Now they have children of their own and they are growing too. My grandchildren.  Eight of them. The oldest is in college and the youngest will turn one this week. Time is flying by as they change and grow.

Time, precious time. It quietly slips away. Not a single moment can ever be saved. Once it's gone, it's gone. Spring forward. Fall back. The clock keeps ticking. No matter how we try to adjust the time, we're only given a certain number of moments here on this earth and when our time's up, it's up.

There's a landslide heading my way and as much as I'd like to dodge it and let it sweep right past me, I don't think that's going to happen. I'm bracing for it already. I don't know when the first rock will tumble down but I'm watching.

Another leaf just let go. It's time was up. It had a good life clinging to the safety and security of the tree. At one time, it drew sustenance and provided shade. I've come to realize that my life is like a leaf, floating on the breeze. One day here and the next day gone. And that's the way it should be, but time is so very short....cancer helps you realize that fact and helps you see things so much more clearly. And time, while fleeting, is so very precious.

While Stevie Nicks' song was about her discontentment with life circumstances and the possible break up of her band, Landslide, means so much more to me. Change is inevitable. Change is constant, says Benjamin Disraeli and I agree.



© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Learning to live in the moment

"How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon? ~Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss was a wise man and a wonderful children's author, but also a man filled with humorous thoughts and anecdotes. I love this quote by him on time and speaking of time, that brings me to the subject of today's post.

I used to wear a watch. I even slept in it. I was always looking at it and making sure I knew the exact time. I let my watch govern my life. I was always punctual. I was never, ever late. I never realized how much I depended on my watch until I was hospitalized for breast cancer surgery.

When you have surgery, you aren't allowed to wear any jewelry and that includes watches. You aren't supposed to wear makeup, deodorant, or perfume. You don't even get to wear your own clothes! You have to don the very ugly hospital gown with the opening in the back. Sometimes, if you're lucky,you get to keep your underwear but 9 times out of 10, they take those too.

Something happened to me after I had my surgery. When I woke up in the recovery room, I was so thankful to be alive and have a second chance at life. I decided from that moment on, I would not ever focus on time again. I determined that I was going to take each moment as it came and treasure it as a wonderful gift.

My watches are safely tucked away in my jewelry box. They tick so quietly I don't even hear them even though I know they're there. I feel so free without my watch to constantly remind me of obligations and expectations.

When did we become a society that is so time conscious? It seems everything in our lives revolves around the clock. I'm so thankful I can have the freedom not to be a clock watcher. It's amazing how time constraints vanish when there's no watch to catch your eye.

Since I've stopped wearing my watch, I know it's time to get up when I wake up and I know it's time to eat when I get hungry. I know it's time to sleep when I get tired. My internal clock doesn't tick out the time but gives me a soft, gentle nudge when I need to take care of my body.

When I'm visiting with friends, I'm not constantly glancing at my watch thinking I need to hurry on to my next appointment. I can focus on just being in the moment and those moments stretch on as long as possible. I love it and the days seem so much longer now!

If you find yourself relying on your watch or your clock to tell you when and where to come or go, try going a few days without it. It may take you some time to disassociate yourself from the constraints of time, especially if you're still a vital part of the workforce. (I'm retired, so I don't have to worry about the 9 to 5 any more.)

Time. We've all been given the same 24 hours in a day.  The same 1440 minutes. The same 86,4000 seconds. How will you use your time? Will you constantly check your watch or the clock? Will you follow a regimented schedule or will you break free from the bands of time? Learn to live in the moment. It will change your life. I know it's changed mine for the better.

Some beautiful thoughts on time:

"Time and tide wait for no man." ~ Geoffrey Chaucer

"Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination: never put off till tomorrow what you can do today." ~ Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Introspection

341 days. 491,040 minutes. Those are the units of time that have passed since my diagnosis and they've given me plenty of time for reflection...introspection...thinking. I've thought of so many things since that day. I thought my head might explode, but it didn't. Thinking for hours on end has kept me from sleeping and yet, as I've processed my thoughts, I think I've made great progress.

I've wondered a lot. I've questioned God over and over again...so much so, that when I pray, He probably shakes His head, rolls His eyes, and thinks to Himself, "oh no, not her again!" All I've wanted to understand was why I was allowed to have breast cancer enter my life. Was it used as a teaching tool? Was it a wake up call? Was it a genetic fluke? Was it from my own poor choices? None of these questions has been answered, but the one question that has been answered, "Why me?" was answered with another question several months ago. When I asked God, "Why me?" The reply I felt in my spirit from Him was, "why not you?" And that question, started my avalanche of thoughts once again.

When someone is diagnosed with a devastating disease, often medical professionals recommend counseling to help the patient understand and process their emotions. With breast cancer, at least in my case, I was offered nothing in the way of counseling or any type of mental support. I've had to deal with it on my own and that's okay...I've learned over the years how to handle things through my own determined strength and my faith in God.

The thoughts have changed since I was first diagnosed. In the beginning, I could only think about the next phase of treatment and how I was going to get through each one. When treatments ended, I began thinking about how I was going to survive in the days, weeks, and months that were approaching. Every once in a while, I'd think about the possibility of recurrence but I didn't linger on those thoughts for long. I didn't want to devote time to thinking about the "what if's." Currently, I think about the 1440 minutes I have in this day and what I'm going to do with them.

It's amazing to me how cancer has shifted my focus. Instead of always thinking ahead, I've learned to be in the moment. Realizing that I have 1440 moments in each day, I try to make the best of them. I'm more careful with them. I try not to let any of them slip away unused. I know I can't store them up for use another day...once they're gone...they're gone.

Each morning, when I wake, I thank God for the minutes ahead of me. The ones I've yet to use. I ask Him to give me wisdom to know how best to use them for they are like precious gems to me. I don't want to squander them, I want to spend them wisely.

The quiet solitude allows me to constantly think and question. As I think, I'm reminded of an old TV commercial that said, "a mind is a terrible thing to waste." How true that statement to be. Although my mind wanders and thoughts run rampant through it on a continual basis, I'm thankful I have a clear mind, one not ravaged by disease...a mind that is capable of thinking different thoughts every second of every minute of every day, and all the thoughts I think are all mine. I can share them if I choose to share them and keep them safely hidden inside if I choose not to share them.

I wonder how many thoughts I've "thunk" over the past 341 days? I'm sure, if I'd counted them, I would be amazed. I wonder how many minutes it's taken you to read this post. What could you have done with those minutes? Did they matter to you?

Cancer is a scary disease. It's a time thief but then again, it can help you realize just how very precious time is and then, when you realize those moments are priceless, you begin to count them and consider what to do with them. 1440 minutes in each and every day. How many have you wasted today? Maybe it's time for a little introspection on your part...

© bonnie annis all rights reserved