Life is just normal

It's Wednesday, just another ordinary day of the week...hump day. The weekend is almost here and today has been a good day! I woke up! I heard the birds singing and saw the sun shining through my window. When my feet hit the floor, I realized, "hey! I am alive!"

I got a shower and got dressed, ate breakfast and checked my emails. I put a load of laundry in to wash and unloaded my dishwasher...routine, every day, normal things that I do every day and I was happy to do it!

My daughter came over to visit. We went shopping and then went out to eat. We laughed and talked. Nothing exciting, just normal. NORMAL. I never knew how much I liked to hear that word, but it has suddenly become one of my favorite words.

The dictionary defines NORMAL as "conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected." And that's exactly how I want my days to be from now on, just normal. I don't want anything fancy or elaborate, normal is enough for me. 

So many days since my surgery have been abnormal...days of tests and appointments...days of treatment and medicines...days of discomfort and tears. I'd almost forgotten the normal days, the mundane days, the days of routine and comfort. I never thought I'd say I was just happy to have a normal day but I am!

Medical appointments are getting more and more spread out now. My calendar actually has some holes in it these days and I'm thankful. I don't have to go see the oncologists every month as I did after I was first diagnosed, instead, I go every three months and that's helping me get my life back to normal. I'm starting to plan more and look forward to things again...normal things like holidays, birthdays, vacations. 

I'm starting to pick up my hobbies again...painting, sewing, writing, drawing, and jewelry making. I'd put all of those aside for months but now, my life is getting back to NORMAL and I am doing things I enjoyed doing B.C. (before cancer.)

It's nice to finally start to focus on things other than cancer for a change. Who knew it could be wonderful to just look forward to a nice, ordinary, normal day? I certainly won't take them for granted any longer. I'll welcome them with outstretched arms and enfold them into a tight embrace. Oh, life is good...so very good...and I am so thankful to be alive!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Learning to accept plan B

Yesterday was a tough day...I'll admit it without any reservation. The more I fought against my physical limitations, the more they proved to me that they would win, and they did. I didn't like it one bit. I pouted and sulked. I was mad. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it! I was acting like a spoiled rotten little brat and while I did cross my arms...I didn't stamp my feet.

It's rough to have to learn to accept plan B, but today, I've decided that if I can't have plan A...the plan that I worked up in my own mind of all the things I wanted to accomplish in one day, then I'd have to learn to settle for plan B.

Today was a plan B day although I didn't know it when I woke up. I had thought it was going to be a plan A day. Even before my feet hit the floor, I'd made a mental checklist of all the things I was going to accomplish today. I had so many things on my list that I had to make myself eat breakfast first so I'd have energy just to begin working on my list and after I'd eaten, I got busy.

For about an hour, I began working on the first item on my Plan A checklist. When I accomplished that task, I smiled and got ready to begin the next task. I was on a roll! I was so proud of myself. Today wasn't going to be a day like yesterday, it was going to be so much better! But just as that thought slipped out of my brain, I got a text that changed everything.

It wasn't fair. I had been working so hard and doing so well. Now I had to drop everything and do something for someone else. Plan A was being tossed out the window and as it was sliding out, just underneath the window sill, I tried to grab it by the tail and hang on...

For the next 2 hours, I worked on the project I didn't have on my checklist...the one that came to me in a text. It was urgent and had to be done today. It was for a family member who was at work and couldn't take care of the project on company time. Love won out. I agreed to do the project out of love and that was why plan A could get away from me.

When I'd finished the project, I noticed it was almost 1:30. I hadn't eaten lunch. I was hungry. As I at the table eating my sandwich, I tried to formulate plan B. I could feel my arms already swelling and getting tight...just like they did yesterday. I knew I wasn't going to be able to accomplish plan B either...well, not today anyway. Maybe I could work on plan B tomorrow.

And so, I was reminded of a verse of Scripture. "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Proverbs 19:21. I can plan and plan and plan but my plans won't always come to fruition. Sometimes I can accomplish the things I set out to accomplish and other times, I can't. For a type A personality, an overachiever, people pleaser, gotta get it done now kinda person, that's a hard lesson to learn. But maybe God's teaching me that it's okay to let plan A go and that sometimes, plan B is a much better plan than plan A was to start with!

Several of my friends have sympathized with me saying, "you just have to get used to your new normal." What is a new normal? For me, I've yet to find out but I think it's going to include learning to understand my physical limitations and accept them. It will more than likely include learning to rest when I'm tired and learning to say no when I need to...that's a hard one for me! I don't ever like to tell someone no but...the people pleaser in me has now died. I know it's okay to set boundaries. They're healthy and necessary. They protect me from overextending myself.

So, Plan A...you were so grand and so wonderful. It was an honor to work with you while it lasted but now, it's your turn, plan B....whaddya got??? Will your list be much shorter? Will it be more simple? Will it involve less detail? Hmmm...I just might like you, Plan B, if I can just get used to you. "I'm sorry plan A," I say as plan A slinks out of the room with a huff.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Lymphedema sucks big time! (forgive one more rant, please!)

I wish this was going to be a sunshine and roses post, but it's not, so be prepared. I'm not usually a grouch monster but today, I can't help it....I have a good excuse.

This will be a very short post because my arms are extremely swollen. I was trying to do some sewing today for my grandchildren and was making a good bit of headway until my arms started swelling. I took a little time away from my sewing machine to do the manual lymphatic massage and got the swelling down enough to put on my compression top. After putting it on, I went back into my office/sewing/craft room to resume my projects.

The compression top was extremely uncomfortable and I haven't worn it in a long time so it was rubbing underneath my armpits. It was really tight and I wanted to take it off, but knew if I wanted to keep on sewing, I'd have to keep it on. I managed to wear the compression top and do a couple of hours of sewing before giving in to defeat. I had done all I could do and I knew I had to take off the top.

About the time I was realizing my limitations, my husband came in from work. He's always so sweet to me and started chit chatting about his day. I burst into tears and told him I had to get this top off right now. I reached up underneath my t shirt and unzipped the compression top. I unfastened the hook and eyes and undid the Velcro, pulling the compression top off in one quick motion. What a relief to have that torture device off!

My arms are so swollen now that I can't do another thing. Hubby tells me to go put them up on pillows and rest. I'm so frustrated. I can't get used to being unable to do the things I used to do...lymphedema sucks big time and it will never, ever, ever go away. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life. Isn't it enough to have your breasts removed? Did I have to end up with non-stop swelling too?

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Art therapy and writing class

Today was Cancer Wellness Center day for me. On Thursdays, they offer an art therapy class and a writing class. I've been trying to make myself get out and attend the classes because I know it's good for me to have fellowship with other ladies. It's fun to be around them and just enjoy laughing and talking with them. Even though the classes are a fun, creative outlet, I'm amazed at what they bring out of me emotionally.

Today we worked on another tissue paper mosaic. Tearing the colored pieces of tissue paper was monotonous, but while we were preparing our medium, we had some good conversation. I got to know a couple of the ladies a little better as we talked and found out that I was the youngest one in the class. I was surprised about that. The other ladies looked about my age but they were in their mid 60's and 70's.

We worked for about an hour and a half tearing and gluing, gluing and tearing...making a water scene from blues, purples, blacks, and greens. They we added in some oranges and yellows for reflections of leaves. As we were working, I realized I wasn't thinking about anything except putting the next piece of tissue paper on my canvas. It was so relaxing and methodical.

Before I knew it, it was time to clean up. Art class was over and we were told we'd finish up next week. Where did the time go? It had flown by! There were jiblets of tissue paper all over the tables and on the floor. Spatterings of glue were flecked here and there. I took a sponge of hot water and began wiping up my area. After it was clean, I left for lunch.

One of the other ladies asked me to join her for lunch in the hospital cafeteria. I had no idea where it was, so I followed her there. It was a nice, open area with a salad bar, hot bar, drinks and desserts. I opted for a salad since I'm trying to eat healthier. During lunch, we talked about our diagnoses and treatment. I don't guess I'll ever be able to get away from having to share my journey.

Lunch ended and it was time for writing class. It was a small class today, just the instructor, myself and another woman. The journaling prompts were pulled out again and I chose the first one from the jar. It was a thought provoking prompt and we all got busy writing. It was fun to hear the different thoughts as we each read our journaling aloud. It's funny to me how we could all hear the same prompt and all have very different opinions as to where it should go and how the story should end, but that's what makes writing so unique.

We worked on several journaling prompts and then listened as the therapist read from the book, The Song of the Bird, again. I don't like that book very much because it's so New Age, but the therapist likes to use it for some reason.  I tried to weave my faith into this assignment to counter the New Age principals. Hopefully, the therapist will come to know and respect the fact that I'm a devout Christian.

When class was over, I said my goodbyes and headed home. In the car, I realized I was pretty tired. I don't understand how it takes so much out of me every week to just drive to and from class and be at the wellness center for 4 hours. I keep wondering when I'm going to get my strength back.

Through generous donors, the cancer wellness center can offer programs that cater to women going through different stages of healing. I'm so thankful for those people who give so generously so we can reap the benefits. I'm building up quite a portfolio of artwork and my creative writing skills are growing exponentially! Maybe one day, I'll get that book written...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Forgive me for complaining

I am so tired of waking up with huge, swollen arms! This Lymphedema sucks! Every morning, I have to get up and do manual lymphatic massage on myself just to be able to move my arms. The swelling has gotten so bad that I'm having to buy shirts in a much larger size just so I can get my arms in the sleeves. I don't mean to complain, really I don't, but can't my life just please return to a pre-cancerous state??? Is that too much to ask?

Nobody told me how crappy it would be after having lymph nodes removed. My breast surgeon did elude to the fact that I MIGHT get Lymphedema but she didn't think I would since I was only have 2 lymph nodes removed in my left arm and 4 removed in my right arm. Apparently even having one tiny little lymph node is enough to disrupt the whole lymphatic system and cause Lymphedema. 

It's hard to describe how it feels, but imagine, just underneath your skin, there is an accumulation of fluid. The fluid swells and gets tighter and tighter...so much so, that you feel like your skin is going to pop and split wide open! The swelling impedes movement and is quite painful too. It's not a once in a while thing...when you have it, you have it for good. It doesn't go away. 

My body is already a mess. When I look at myself in the mirror, I wonder how my husband can still love me. I have no breasts. I have huge scars across my chest. I have scars from the drainage tubes they put in after surgery. I have tattoos from the radiation clinic that they used to line me up under the linear accelerator for treatment and also, I have fat, swollen arms. Have you ever seen a Sumo wrestler? That's what I feel like when I look at myself. 

This morning, the swelling was exceptionally worse than usual. When I use my arms a lot during the day or I do any kind of lifting, it exacerbates the Lympedema. It took me about twenty minutes of manual massage to get the lymphatic fluid dispersed throughout my torso so I could put on a shirt. After going through my closet, I finally found one that I could wear. I guess I'll have to donate the shirts that don't have large sleeves to Goodwill and start buying new ones that will accommodate my balloon arms. I do have my Lymphediva sleeves that help compress my arms and aid with the swelling too.

It's so frustrating to have to deal with this physical challenge on a daily basis, but I'm just going to have to accept it and move on. I just needed a chance to rant for a little bit. I'm not normally a negative person. I hope you understand. Surgery doesn't remove all of the challenges, in fact, it creates even more of them. 

I am thankful for the medical advancements that are available now to those of us who've been afflicted with breast cancer. We have so many new and wonderful techniques that can buy us time. Cancer does maim, kill and destroy lives but it's up to us to choose to be thankful to be alive and continue to fight. 

Yes, Lymphedema sucks and yes, I don't like it one little bit, but...it's something I have to live with so I'd better just suck it up and move on. Thank you for allowing me to complain today...it's just been one of those days. 

Debunking the myth - does sugar feed cancer?

Does Sugar Feed Cancer? What a simple question, but in fact...it's not simple at all! There are many cancer patients, myself included, who have believed the myth that sugar feeds cancer cells. So, we decided if we eliminate sugar from our diet, we're being proactive and helping fight against a recurrence of cancer. But our decision is not a wise one and here's why:

Our bodies need sugar, specifically glucose, for energy. Every cell of our bodies, especially the brain, needs glucose to live. The sugar that we need comes from 2 places. One is from the carbohydrates that we eat. When we eat carbohydrates (either complex carbs, like whole grains or simple carbs like syrups), our bodies digests them and breaks them down into glucose for the body to use.

The second source of glucose actually comes from our own body. Our body will make the sugar we need if we don’t get enough from our food. Therefore, even if you cut out all intake of sugar or other forms of carbs, your body will make the sugar you need from fat and protein. This is not the ideal situation for your body, as it can cause your body to go into a stressful state. There is a certain amount of carbohydrate necessary for healthy cell function.

Cancer cells use sugar for energy just like the rest of our cells do. Cancer cells do have a higher metabolism, which is why they take up sugar at a faster rate. But there’s nothing scientifically proven regarding cancer that “feeds” on sugar more than any other cell in our body.

At this point, it has not been shown that eliminating dietary sources of sugar and carbohydrate actually results in slower growth of tumors but, it does result in your body having to work extra hard to make the glucose that it needs to function.

When we digest and absorb sugar from different types of foods, our bodies produce insulin to process the sugar. This is a normal and essential part of metabolizing food. However, if you eat too much sugar or carbohydrates, it results in a large amount of insulin being produced.

Insulin tells our cells to grow. Too much insulin can tell our cells to grow too much. Some people think that too much insulin could cause cancer cells to grow more. There’s not enough research right now to fully understand how insulin and cancer are related, but we know that too much sugar, and too much insulin are not good for our health.

Simply put, sugar does feed cancer. BUT, sugar (glucose) also feeds the rest of your body. For those who are going through treatment, remember that your healthy cells need energy especially during this time. Avoiding sugar completely will not help treatment, but it could leave your healthy cells low on energy. So, should you avoid sugar? According to the medical team at M.D. Anderson, the answer is no. “Your body’s cells use sugar to keep your vital organs functioning,” says Clare McKindley, clinical dietitian at MD Anderson’s Cancer Prevention Center. “But too much daily sugar can cause weight gain. And, unhealthy weight gain and a lack of exercise can increase your cancer risks.”

So, how much sugar is safe to eat? Women should have no more than six teaspoons per day (25 grams), and men should have no more than nine teaspoons per day (37 grams), says the American Heart Association. This equals to about 100 calories for women and 150 for men. If you’re like most Americans, you actually eat more than double that much sugar in a day — about 22 teaspoons. That’s 260 cups or 130 lbs. of sugar each year. Even worse, all that extra sugar breaks down to about 500 calories per day. That’s hundreds of calories with absolutely no nutritional or cancer-fighting benefit.
And, it’s not just sweets that are loaded with sugar. Pasta sauce, salad dressings and canned vegetables also have hidden sugars. Canned and processed foods are some of the biggest offenders.

It's very important to look for hidden sugars in foods. Your first clue that a product is high in sugar is if the word “sugar” is listed as the first ingredient. Beware, though. Some sugary foods don’t include “sugar” on the ingredient list. That’s because sugar is often disguised under different names. Here are some hidden “sugar” words to look out for:
fructose (natural sugar from fruits)
lactose (natural sugar from milk)
sucrose (made from fructose and glucose)
maltose (sugar made from grain)
glucose (simple sugar, product of photosynthesis)
dextrose (form of glucose)

Natural sugars are best. Natural sugars, like molasses, agave nectar, honey and maple syrup, are packed with antioxidants that protect your body from cancer. Even though these sweet options are natural, they still have about the same amount of calories as regular sugar. So, it’s important to stick to the recommended daily serving for sugar.

Avoid artificial sweeteners! Some studies done with laboratory animals have found links between artificial sweeteners and cancer. But, no proof exists that says artificial sweeteners definitely cause cancer. Until more is known, your best bet is to avoid or limit artificial sweeteners.

Bottom line: sugar, when eaten in small amounts, can fit into a balanced diet. And, if you have a sweet tooth, it’s better to get your sugar fix from naturally sweet fruits than processed foods. That way, you’ll satisfy your craving and get more of the nutrients your body needs to fight off diseases like cancer.

Another note to self...

I'm finding that lately I'm making more and more mental notes to myself...what good it does, I do not know, but I make them. I envision my brain loaded down with bright yellow sticky notes and hand scribbled messages to myself. It's getting pretty crowded up there but this note is a major note...one I must find room to squeeze in somewhere! Are you ready for it, here it is...DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO TO A HAIR STYLIST YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO BEFORE...NEVER...EVER...EVER. And ESPECIALLY not before a holiday! Let me tell you why I say this and what happened to me.

I was growing out a cute little pixie cut. My hair is very fine and slow growing. It took almost 8 months to get my hair to the "just below chin level" and it was starting to look kind of "mullet-y." It wasn't quite as bad as Carol Brady's (you remember the Brady Bunch don't you???) but it was close. Soooo I decided it was time to get that fixed and I got on the internet and searched for salons near me. I found one that looked well established and called them up.

When the receptionist answered the phone, I told her I needed a haircut. I told her I didn't know any of the stylists but I needed someone who was good with baby fine hair. She said she had just the person for me...her name was Jill. I asked if Jill had been cutting hair very long and the receptionist said, "oh yes, over 30 years!" Okay then...sounded like a winner, so I went to the salon. Hubby was off work and said he'd go with me. I told him he'd probably rather sit in the car than in the waiting room with all the other women, he said he'd be fine. What a good guy he is!

I checked in at the receptionist's desk and the shampoo girl came to get me. After I was shampooed, I was taken over to meet Jill. Jill was about my age but had salt and pepper hair. Her hair was in a neat pixie. (I always make it a point to check out how my potential stylist wears her hair. If her hair isn't neat and well groomed, then I don't trust her to do mine.) Jill passed the test.

Jill sat me in her chair and asked what I wanted. I told her I was in a dilemma. I was growing out this pixie cut and while I was pleased with the length of my hair now, I didn't want a mullet. She said you have two options, go back to a pixie or have a shorter than chin length blunt cut. Well....I have a very round face so I knew the blunt cut was definitely a no. Back to the pixie it was then.

Jill and I talked the entire time she was cutting my hair. I got to know a lot about her and she got to know a lot about me. When she was done, I felt like we were friends. My hair looked cute and I left the shop happy...but wait! There's more!

I liked my short "do" so much. When I got home, I played with it a lot. I put styling paste in it and spiked it up...it looked cool. I put gel in it and wore it in a wet look...that looked cool too. I rolled it and sprayed it with hairspray for a different look...it was nice. And then, I made a fatal mistake...I decided I wanted to get my hair highlighted so the beautiful white hairs (that I'd seen peeking out around the edges of my face) could just come on in and one day in the future, I'd be completely white headed. I called Jill and set up another appointment. I told her my plan and she said it was do-able.

Once again, I sat in Jill's chair. She asked what my goal was and I told her about letting my whitish/gray hairs come in naturally. She went to the back and mixed up some color and then came back and began to foil my hair. After she got the foils in, she sat me under the dryer for about 40 minutes and then I was shampooed. When she began to dry my hair, I noticed the foils looked very light instead of like the blondish ones I've had in the past, but I didn't say anything. She pulled out her curling iron and began to curl and style my hair and then covered me in a coat of hairspray. She worked on it about 15 minutes before she was pleased. Next, she asked if I liked it. All I could see was the front of my hair and it looked okay so I said yes.

On the way home from the salon, I asked my husband if it looked okay. I told him I didn't even get to see the back. (Usually the stylist will give you a big hand held mirror while you're in the chair so you can see the back of your hair before you leave....but Jill didn't. I began to wonder why.)

When I got home, I went into the bathroom and began to comb through my hair. I didn't like it all poofy like Jill had styled it. I combed all the hairspray out and then got my mirror to look at the back. Let me tell you, I was NOT pleased when I saw it. I had patchy spots of white all throughout the back of my hair. I looked like a leopard! It looked really bad. I began to cry and then...I got MAD. I had just paid this woman $75 to do my hair and I'd also given her a $25 tip! Jill might have been a good hair stylist but coloring/foiling/highlighting hair was NOT HER FORTE'. Now what was I going to do...Easter Sunday is coming! I have to get this fixed and now. I was having a really bad hair day...

So I went to Sally (no, not another hair stylist, but you're close! It's a beauty supply store.) I knew I had to recolor my hair to get rid of the patchy white spots but how was I going to cover up those big white spots and the highlights she'd done all over the top of my head? I knew I could add color but, the highlights had been done by bleaching out my natural color. I also knew (from working in a salon years ago) that if you weren't careful, when you colored over bleached hair, you could end up with GREEN in the places that had been highlighted. I didn't want GREEN hair and I didn't want LEOPARD spotted hair...what to do. So, I jumped on my smartphone and GOOGLED it. I found out that if I put a Neutral Protein Filler on first, it would prepare those highlighted spots to take on the new color. Woohoo. Now I was on to something.

I bought $17 worth of supplies at Sally and headed home. I worked most of the day preparing food for Easter and my hair color supplies sat there on the counter in plain view. I had to do first things first and since we'd been invited to an Easter dinner with one of my children, I needed to get my dishes prepared and ready. I whipped up my famous Broccoli salad and then my "to die for" hashbrown casserole. Next I boiled some eggs...you gotta have deviled eggs on Easter, right? So, I had a cool idea, I'll boil the eggs, then peel them and then dip the shelled eggs into the food coloring...that way, we won't just have the pretty outsides of the eggs that usually is peeled off and thrown away but we'd have colored edible eggs that were filled with my deviled concoction. Pretty nifty, I thought. So, I gathered some little cups and put a different color of dye into each one. I had orange, yellow, blue, green and pink. The colors were so beautiful and I enjoyed sliding each boiled egg into the color baths. After getting the eggs completed. I was tired, but I still needed to address the hair problem.

I gathered my things and told hubby I'd see him in a bit. I went into the bathroom and began by putting the neutral protein filler on my hair. It had to sit for 20 minutes and then, I could start with the coloring process. When the timer rang, I started to mix up my hair color. I gently poured 2 ounces of 20 volume developer into the color mixing bowl and then added 1 ounce of my hair color. (I'd chosen a darker shade than normal and one without reddish tones because I didn't know how it was going to react to the highlighted areas.) I began applying the hair color and as soon as I got my entire head covered with color, I began to freak out!!! My hair started to turn PINK!!! I am NOT KIDDING HERE! It was not a beautiful pink shade like the Easter eggs color bath, but a definite PINK...a deep, rosy PINK! Oh my word! What had I done now! There was nothing I could do. All I could think was, well...if I have pink hair at least I could advertise for breast cancer awareness, but I didn't want PINK hair. So, I decided to wait and see what happened if I left the color on for a while longer.

After 30 minutes, my scalp began to burn! I guess the protein filler and the developer had done a number on my head. I tried to let it stay on the full 45 minutes as recommended but there was no way I could leave it on any longer. I looked in the mirror. Thankfully, the rosy pink hue had vanished and now, my hair was a deep, dark brownish black. At least it wasn't LEOPARD SPOTTED AND AT LEAST IT WASN'T GREEN OR PINK!

I showered and washed the remaining hair dye out. When I finished drying my hair, I was pleasantly surprised. The highlights were gone! The spots were gone! The pink was gone! All that was left was a nice, rich, deep brown color. I could breath a sigh of relief!

So the moral of the story...a $117 dollar story...be sure you have a qualified hair stylist before deciding to color. Always ask for a mirror so you can check out your head before leaving the shop. If you're not happy, you have two choices...go back in and demand the problem be corrected or opt for a do it yourself fix. If you go the do it yourself route, you better know what you're doing otherwise you may end up with pink or green hair or even NO HAIR at all!

Why didn't I go back in and demand my hair be corrected???
1. The shop was closed by the time I found out there was a problem.
2. Jill wasn't working the next day.
3. I had to fix it before Easter! I couldn't go to church with spotty hair and I didn't have a wig!
4. I was angry and wanted the problem fixed immediately so I chanced doing it myself.

The end results

I'm so thankful it turned out okay. It could have been even worse than the beginning. I could have ended up with PINK LEOPARD SPOTTED HAIR!

This is a true story and believe me when I say, this note to self will remain on the very front lobe of my brain for years to come! Maybe one day my kids and grandkids will laugh about all my zany life stories. I hope someone will laugh...it is kinda funny now that I think about it.

When it comes time for lunch tomorrow, I think I'll forego having any of those colored deviled eggs. I'm a little scared of the green and pink ones...and Jill will never know that I didn't love her highlighting job unless we bump into her at church, afterall, she does attend the same church we do!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved