Remembering brings blessing

Alberta and I
(She's a dear sweet friend and encourager)

8 months ago, I'd just had both breasts removed along with 6 lymph nodes. I was home recovering and in a great deal of pain. I felt like I'd been hit by a MACK truck and left on the side of the road for dead. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But that was then and this is now.

In those long months that have passed since my surgery, the feelings of hopelessness and pain have all but disappeared. I've allowed the memory of all that God's done to become clouded just a bit and today, I was reminded that I need to focus on remembering.

It hasn't been that long ago, so the wonderful things He's done in my life should still be very fresh and new... but isn't it funny how Satan loves to steal our joy by hazing over those important times in our lives where God has done amazing things?

There's a verse in the Bible in the book of Psalms that says, "Then they believed His words; they sang His praise. They soon forgot His works." How easy it is for new believers to trust...to get on the spiritual band wagon...to be filled with praise when things are going great...to marvel at the awesomeness of God, but let the times get hard and those songs of praise die down in a hurry. Sometimes when the "new" wears off, just like these people in the Bible, we become complacent. We forget. A leanness enters our soul.

In the midst of trial or suffering, I'm always bold enough to pray and ask God for what I need. I'm brave in my faith and in my expectations. But sometimes, after He's answered my prayer and the crisis is over, I slowly begin to forget. My prayers become less adventurous and less brave. I begin to pray for smaller things instead of greater things. It's not that my faith has become weak, it's just that I've forgotten the many blessings He's given me.

Today, I asked God to quicken my memory. To help me remember things He's done for me over the past 8 months. It's important to me to refresh my thoughts and keep His great blessings at the forefront of my mind. And so, I thought it would be helpful to make a list as He reminded me of ways He'd been faithful to me:

• In May, God allowed me to find the mass in my breast as I was showering. He could have allowed it to remain hidden and for it to have been years before it was discovered, but His timing is always perfect in every thing. 
• We were busy moving so I didn't have time to focus on the mass, this was a brief respite from the initial panic I felt on the day I found the mass. I think this was His way of protecting my heart until I was ready to handle the real news. 
• When things slowed down and we were settled, He prompted me to find a doctor and get it checked. He did not let me forget about it. Day after day, I felt Him reminding me, "you need to get this checked...you really need to get this checked." 
• He led me to an OB/GYN who immediately sent me for tests. The doctor originally thought it was just a fluid filled cyst but she was diligent and ordered diagnostic mammograms, an ultrasound, and core needle biopsies immediately. I know God had imparted that wisdom to her in order to save my life. 
• He knew I would be fearful and sent one of my daughters to accompany me to the procedures. He used her to remind me of His love. I was never alone, even when I couldn't see someone with "skin" on. 
• When I needed to find a surgeon, He led me to the very best breast surgeon in our area. She was very attentive and kind. She never made me feel rushed and spent hours discussing in detail exactly what she was planning to do.
• Through a string of amazing events, God provided the resources for my husband and I to go to the beach so I could process everything that was happening to me. During our time there, God spoke to my heart in such a tender, loving way. He used His beauty in nature to show me that in every tiny detail, He is present. 
• During surgery, my doctor was able to remove the entire mass and found only one lymph node that was cancerous. Although I had 6 lymph nodes removed, only one was malignant. God gave my surgeon the wisdom to check my lymph nodes. Had she not done that, the spreading cancer may have gone undetected and traveled to various organs in my body.
• As I was healing, God provided the means for my oldest daughter to come and be with me. She was a great source of encouragement and help. God knew I would need her so He laid it on her heart to plan on coming. Her husband and children were so gracious to part with her and, she was pregnant to boot!
• Through the internet, on a Facebook Breast Cancer site, I made a new friend who became my mentor. She traveled over an hour and a half to visit me. She brought a special wedge pillow and a padded seat belt strap for me as she knew I'd need them. God spoke to her heart and gave her the courage to come visit a total stranger. I'm so thankful He did!
• God prompted family and friends to call, write letters, send cards and gifts and to lift me up in prayer. Those little symbols of love always arrived at the perfect time. I know God orchestrated those gifts just for me.
• God has used my sweet husband to minister His love to me throughout this entire journey. He has gifted him with patience, caring, and understanding. He has laughed with me, cried with me, prayed with me and just loved me. He is a wonderful example of God's tender loving care.
• God knew, even before we moved to this area, that I would experience cancer. The radiation oncology clinic where I'd need treatments is very close to our house...that wasn't a coincidence because right after we'd first moved here, my husband and I were driving around the area to get familiar with it. As we passed the radiation oncology clinic, I heard God speak to my heart and say, "You'll be going there soon." Months before I would be diagnosed, He forewarned me. He knows I don't do well with surprises. I'm so thankful He speaks to me in that still small voice and prepares me for the hard things that come my way.
• When I started radiation, God allowed me to meet 2 women who became my cheerleaders. They were going through treatment too, but they helped me know what to expect. Every morning, as I arrived at the clinic, they'd great me. One of them sat and talked to me as I was preparing to have treatment and the other talked to me on the way out. One was an elderly lady with cancer of the nose and the other was a woman about my mother's age who also had breast cancer. They looked after me like a mother hen watches after her chicks. God planted them there at the exact moment in time I needed them! 
• As the months have passed, God has allowed me time alone to draw closer and closer to Him. Each day is sweeter than the one before as He continues to teach me and allow me to see more deeply into His heart. 
• God led me to my Oncologist and to the Cancer Wellness Center where I can take part in free art therapy lessons, writing programs, cooking or exercise programs. God knew I would need someone I could trust. My doctor is Jewish and very soft spoken. He's gentle and caring. God knew I'd need someone who would be understanding and kind. The classes at the wellness center provide a way for me to get out and meet people. Once again, God knew I didn't need to be alone and He made provision for me. 

I could go on and on about the things He's done to show me He's never left me alone throughout this trial but I won't. He's used this time of testing to continually teach me and prepare me. I don't know yet what He's preparing me for, but I'm sure He'll reveal it to me soon. I don't think God ever allows you to go through a trial or time of testing without a purpose behind it. Perhaps He's going to use me to minister to others in some way. It will be interesting to see what the future holds.

Has God done amazing things in your life? Have you allowed the newness of it to wear off? Why not stop and take time to remember all that He's brought you through. Remembering brings blessing...the blessing of understanding that you are unique and special to God. You are precious to Him. He loves you so much more than you will ever know. Don't forget the times He's been right by your side when you needed Him most...when He's answered prayers you've cried in the dark...when He's provided for your needs when you least expected it. Let's give Him praise where praise is due! Remember.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

The last day of 2014, a time of reflection

Another year draws to a close and today I will spend the day reflecting. This year has been filled with change and many unexpected events. It's been filled with difficulties but along with the hard times came times of great blessing. 

In January, my husband and I began thinking seriously about putting our house on the market. We'd lived there for over 21 years. The house was too big for just the two of us and we needed to live a little closer to my husband's workplace. His company had moved 2 years prior forcing him to drive a 100 mile round trip daily just to get to work and home again. The wear and tear on our vehicles was rough but the mental wear and tear on my husband was even rougher. Driving in Atlanta traffic for just a few minutes is enough to drive anyone mad...can you imagine having to be in it for an hour each morning and then another hour during rush hour in the evening? It was total insanity. 

Our home was built in 1973, so needless to say, it wasn't very modern. There was oak paneling in the family room, hardwood floors throughout, 4 bedrooms, 3 full baths, a full finished basement, screened porch and deck but all of it was very dated. We'd done our best to remodel and revamp, but still we had no idea that anyone would want a home built in the 70's. We began painting and replacing flooring. We walked through the house thinking "what would I change if I were looking at this house as a perspective buyer?" Every thing we noticed and thought needed changing got changed. 

In February, toward the end of the month, we decided it was time to put the house on the market. We contacted a real estate agent and had her come and walk through the house. We asked her advice on a listing price and whether or not she thought the house would sell. She assured us it was a "buyer's market" and she was sure the house would sell quickly. We had no idea how quickly it would sell. 

We had the house on the market for 2 days before we had a contract on it. God knew it was the perfect time and He answered our prayers to send the "right people" to buy our home. We were dumbfounded that it happened so quickly. We were even more amazed when the buyers did not ask for any major repairs or renovations. They loved the house exactly as it was at the time. Of course, we were asked to do some small upgrades like installing GFCI receptacles in kitchen and bathrooms and a few other things, but nothing major. 

With the house under contract, we began frantically looking for a new home in the area where my husband worked. At the time we were looking, there was NOTHING for sale. We waited a week and tried again. This time we found a few homes on the market that were currently occupied. We looked and looked but couldn't find anything that met our needs. Finally, the first week of March, we found a new build that had just been completed and immediately put a contract on it. We got our contract in just minutes before another couple tried...we knew that was God's perfect timing once again.

Packing up 21 years of stuff in less than a month was a huge feat. I began going through every single room, drawer by drawer, and reevaluating material possessions. I began donating and giving away things we no longer felt we needed. I was able to cut our possessions in half. I packed like a mad woman and had boxes along one wall of each room in the house, trying to make it easy on the movers. We gave and gave and gave until we had nothing left to give. Our neighbors received the blessings with happy smiles and thankful hearts.

One day, during an early morning shower, in March, I felt a hard mass in my right breast as I was soaping up. I regularly got yearly mammograms but never did breast self exams so I was shocked to actually feel something. I didn't give it too much thought in the days that passed since I was focused on packing and preparing for our move. About a week later, I mentioned to my husband that I'd found "something" in my breast. I let him feel it and he said, "you'd better get that checked out." I made a mental note to do that. 

We closed on our house and moved in by the end of March. It was exciting to be starting our new, "downsized" life. My daughters helped us unpack and get everything neatly arranged and organized and soon, we were feeling at home in our new place. It took some time to get used to our new surroundings...finding new grocery stores, finding new shopping malls, just learning our way around, but things fell into place. God gave us a peace that this is where He wanted us to be.

One day, mid April, I heard this nagging voice inside my head reminding me that I needed to get that mass in my breast checked out. I didn't know any doctors in this new city. I didn't know anyone at all other than my husband. I got on the internet and began doing a search. Finally I found a doctor fairly close by and set up an appointment. One of my daughters agreed to go with me to the appointment, she knew I was very afraid. 

The appointment date was for May 27. When I went in to see the new doc, even before she examined me, I had a gut feeling it was cancer. Upon palpitation, the doctor said it felt like a fluid filled cyst and that I shouldn't be too worried but she wanted to check it out anyway. She scheduled me for a diagnostic mammogram the very next day. On May 28, I had 2 diagnostic mammograms done as well as an ultrasound. The radiologist didn't like what he saw and told me I needed to have the mass biopsied. 

June 2, I went to the medical center for a core needle biopsy. Again, my precious daughter was with me for moral support. It was a painful procedure and I was really scared. On Thursday, June 5, at 4:25 in the afternoon, I got the dreaded call that informed me I indeed had breast cancer. At that very moment, I felt like I was on the outside looking in at someone else's life. I never, in a million years, dreamed that I would have cancer although I knew in my heart, on the day I first felt it, that it was true. On June 11, I met with the breast surgeon to discuss my options and after meeting with her, decided to have a bilateral mastectomy performed. God gave me such a peace that day. I've never felt anything like it before but I just knew that everything was going to be okay.

July 3, I had to go to the hospital for pre-operative procedures and on July 8, I had to return for dye injections that would illuminate the "hot spots" in any lymph nodes near my breasts. The evening of the 8th, I became very sad and tearful. My whole world was about to change. On July 9th, I went in for surgery and cancer marked me forever.  Recovery was very difficult and the first few weeks were the most painful. It was a challenge to daily strip and drain the bulbs that had been inserted at the surgical wound sites. Thankfully, my husband and two of my girls helped me get through it. God provided 3 new friends for me during the next two weeks. One of them I met through a breast cancer survivor website. She was so helpful and kind. She traveled all the way from Smyrna to come visit me and answer a zillion questions. Another of my new friends was one of my husband's old classmates from high school and she'd found us through Facebook. She and one of her friends, a fellow breast cancer survivor, came to visit and brought several meals to us. Their love and encouragement were unexpected blessings. God prompted them to come support us and we were very thankful.

August brought many more visits to doctors...followups with the breast surgeon, new visits with the Radiation Oncologist and my new Oncologist. I also began Lymphedema treatments and manual lymphatic drainage during this time. I was fitted for my prostheses and got new mastectomy bras. Throughout every new challenge that came my way, God provided His perfect peace. 

September brought radiation treatments and lots of them. I had treatments Monday through Friday for 28 days and then had a few days off when my skin got so terribly burned that it began peeling off. My energy level went from 100 to zilch in just a few weeks and I found that radiation sickness was not something to take lightly. Every movement I made took a huge effort. I felt like I was an old, old woman. Radiation continued into the third week of October and new challenges came. My heart began skipping beats and I had to wear a heart monitor for several days. The cardiologist wasn't sure if the radiation may have affected my heart, but since it was in the field where the radiation was beamed, he wanted to do everything possible to ensure I would be okay. 

October was a month I dreaded because of the pink everywhere! (October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.) As I continued my radiation treatments, I tried my best to realize that I was coming down the home stretch. 

November was filled with more doctor appointments and followup visits. On the 14th of the month, I began taking an aromatase inhibitor, Arimidex, which was supposed to block the production of Estrogen in my body and keep cancer cells from growing. That medication brought on a whole new set of challenges and after two weeks, the doctor was taking me off of it. Thanksgiving was a very special time with loved ones. We thanked God for the many blessings He had provided throughout the year...for the wisdom and guidance of the medical staff who'd cared for me and for them taking such good care of us. 

December was a joy filled month, as we prepared to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Christmas music and decorations helped usher in the special day. We were surrounded by family love which made each moment memorable. On December 27, I began taking Tamoxifen, another chemotherapy drug, to block Estrogen in my body, and once again, the challenges of side effects have come. 

Throughout each month, there have been challenges, but God has met them with His awesome provision and power. I have felt His peace surrounding me and guiding me on this journey. He's never left me alone. Sure there have been days where I've done nothing but cry all day long as I've held my own pity party, but those days don't come often. I have been learning to keep my eyes fixed on Christ instead of focusing on my current circumstances and when I do that, I realize that my suffering is NOTHING in comparison to what He did for me on the cross. 

This year has hurried by although some days felt as if they would never end. I can hardly believe we're at the end of 2014. In my last post, I wrote about looking in the "rear view mirror" and how, if we're not careful, we can lose our perspective and fall off the path of where today is taking us. In 2015, I want my focus to be very mindful. I want to make each moment count. I don't want to look behind and I don't want to look ahead...I want to focus on what God is doing at that exact moment in my life. I know He has great plans for me. I don't ever think any form of suffering is wasted. God uses it to teach us about His mercy. I have learned so much more than I could ever share in a blog post and I am so grateful for this past year although I never expected to experience any of the things I did. And so, I will leave you with my New Year's prayer. Hopefully it will touch your heart and prompt you to pray your own. May God fill you with His richest blessings and may you find His perfect peace sustaining you as you enter into the new year. In the words of an old Southern Baptist hymn, "Every day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before!"

Oh Gracious Heavenly Father,
Oh how I thank you for bringing me through another year of my life. Lord there have been some very scary moments and some really happy ones, too. Lord…I thank you so much that I am your child and you are my Father. You have been by my side throughout this year. As I focused my mind on You…You filled me with so much peace, and oh, the grace! I can't forget the grace you offered to me daily. Every day Your mercy was there to greet me in the morning. Your faithfulness was overwhelming to me. I never would have made it…without You!

Lord the greatest lesson I have learned this year is to trust You completely. When I started writing this blog…I didn’t know that talking with You so much and having to dig into Your Word would have such a profound effect on me. I learned more about you than I have ever learned in the past. Throughout all my years of walking with You, now I find that I’m more focused and less stressed. When troubles came my way it was easier to just cast my burdens on You and trust that You would be there for me and you were. Lord this year, we experienced loss in our family but even still, You’ve given my family so much comfort. We have so much peace knowing that our loved one is with you. Father God…I saw so many miracles this year that You have done in my life and in the lives of others. I have shared your miracles publicly because I want you to receive the glory. I want others to see that You indeed do take care of your children.

I’m so glad that You are not a far away God…that you are an ever present God. You are here with me and I feel Your presence. That presence has been here for the past 365 days of this year. You did not miss a single day, minute or a second of my life. I was totally covered with Your love. God… this is the last day of the year and I just want to express all my thanks to You for bringing me through another year. Thank you for being so faithful to me. You promised to be faithful and you were! With the big lesson I learned this year… to trust you completely in all things, I thank you for using cancer to teach me this lesson. 

My requests for 2015 are:
1. for wisdom and direction
2. for boldness to share what you've done in my life
3. for the ability to be more merciful, giving and loving like Jesus

My 3 requests for others:
1. for the lost to come to know you as their personal Lord and Savior and to know and understand that you are a loving and kind God, not a cruel and heartless task master
2. for parents to train up their children to love and follow after you....in an evil world, they need You so desperately
3. for Christians to pray for one another...to encourage and support one another with your BIG LOVE. 

Thank you, Father, that you hear our prayers. May Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Amen. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved