The last day of 2014, a time of reflection

Another year draws to a close and today I will spend the day reflecting. This year has been filled with change and many unexpected events. It's been filled with difficulties but along with the hard times came times of great blessing. 

In January, my husband and I began thinking seriously about putting our house on the market. We'd lived there for over 21 years. The house was too big for just the two of us and we needed to live a little closer to my husband's workplace. His company had moved 2 years prior forcing him to drive a 100 mile round trip daily just to get to work and home again. The wear and tear on our vehicles was rough but the mental wear and tear on my husband was even rougher. Driving in Atlanta traffic for just a few minutes is enough to drive anyone mad...can you imagine having to be in it for an hour each morning and then another hour during rush hour in the evening? It was total insanity. 

Our home was built in 1973, so needless to say, it wasn't very modern. There was oak paneling in the family room, hardwood floors throughout, 4 bedrooms, 3 full baths, a full finished basement, screened porch and deck but all of it was very dated. We'd done our best to remodel and revamp, but still we had no idea that anyone would want a home built in the 70's. We began painting and replacing flooring. We walked through the house thinking "what would I change if I were looking at this house as a perspective buyer?" Every thing we noticed and thought needed changing got changed. 

In February, toward the end of the month, we decided it was time to put the house on the market. We contacted a real estate agent and had her come and walk through the house. We asked her advice on a listing price and whether or not she thought the house would sell. She assured us it was a "buyer's market" and she was sure the house would sell quickly. We had no idea how quickly it would sell. 

We had the house on the market for 2 days before we had a contract on it. God knew it was the perfect time and He answered our prayers to send the "right people" to buy our home. We were dumbfounded that it happened so quickly. We were even more amazed when the buyers did not ask for any major repairs or renovations. They loved the house exactly as it was at the time. Of course, we were asked to do some small upgrades like installing GFCI receptacles in kitchen and bathrooms and a few other things, but nothing major. 

With the house under contract, we began frantically looking for a new home in the area where my husband worked. At the time we were looking, there was NOTHING for sale. We waited a week and tried again. This time we found a few homes on the market that were currently occupied. We looked and looked but couldn't find anything that met our needs. Finally, the first week of March, we found a new build that had just been completed and immediately put a contract on it. We got our contract in just minutes before another couple tried...we knew that was God's perfect timing once again.

Packing up 21 years of stuff in less than a month was a huge feat. I began going through every single room, drawer by drawer, and reevaluating material possessions. I began donating and giving away things we no longer felt we needed. I was able to cut our possessions in half. I packed like a mad woman and had boxes along one wall of each room in the house, trying to make it easy on the movers. We gave and gave and gave until we had nothing left to give. Our neighbors received the blessings with happy smiles and thankful hearts.

One day, during an early morning shower, in March, I felt a hard mass in my right breast as I was soaping up. I regularly got yearly mammograms but never did breast self exams so I was shocked to actually feel something. I didn't give it too much thought in the days that passed since I was focused on packing and preparing for our move. About a week later, I mentioned to my husband that I'd found "something" in my breast. I let him feel it and he said, "you'd better get that checked out." I made a mental note to do that. 

We closed on our house and moved in by the end of March. It was exciting to be starting our new, "downsized" life. My daughters helped us unpack and get everything neatly arranged and organized and soon, we were feeling at home in our new place. It took some time to get used to our new surroundings...finding new grocery stores, finding new shopping malls, just learning our way around, but things fell into place. God gave us a peace that this is where He wanted us to be.

One day, mid April, I heard this nagging voice inside my head reminding me that I needed to get that mass in my breast checked out. I didn't know any doctors in this new city. I didn't know anyone at all other than my husband. I got on the internet and began doing a search. Finally I found a doctor fairly close by and set up an appointment. One of my daughters agreed to go with me to the appointment, she knew I was very afraid. 

The appointment date was for May 27. When I went in to see the new doc, even before she examined me, I had a gut feeling it was cancer. Upon palpitation, the doctor said it felt like a fluid filled cyst and that I shouldn't be too worried but she wanted to check it out anyway. She scheduled me for a diagnostic mammogram the very next day. On May 28, I had 2 diagnostic mammograms done as well as an ultrasound. The radiologist didn't like what he saw and told me I needed to have the mass biopsied. 

June 2, I went to the medical center for a core needle biopsy. Again, my precious daughter was with me for moral support. It was a painful procedure and I was really scared. On Thursday, June 5, at 4:25 in the afternoon, I got the dreaded call that informed me I indeed had breast cancer. At that very moment, I felt like I was on the outside looking in at someone else's life. I never, in a million years, dreamed that I would have cancer although I knew in my heart, on the day I first felt it, that it was true. On June 11, I met with the breast surgeon to discuss my options and after meeting with her, decided to have a bilateral mastectomy performed. God gave me such a peace that day. I've never felt anything like it before but I just knew that everything was going to be okay.

July 3, I had to go to the hospital for pre-operative procedures and on July 8, I had to return for dye injections that would illuminate the "hot spots" in any lymph nodes near my breasts. The evening of the 8th, I became very sad and tearful. My whole world was about to change. On July 9th, I went in for surgery and cancer marked me forever.  Recovery was very difficult and the first few weeks were the most painful. It was a challenge to daily strip and drain the bulbs that had been inserted at the surgical wound sites. Thankfully, my husband and two of my girls helped me get through it. God provided 3 new friends for me during the next two weeks. One of them I met through a breast cancer survivor website. She was so helpful and kind. She traveled all the way from Smyrna to come visit me and answer a zillion questions. Another of my new friends was one of my husband's old classmates from high school and she'd found us through Facebook. She and one of her friends, a fellow breast cancer survivor, came to visit and brought several meals to us. Their love and encouragement were unexpected blessings. God prompted them to come support us and we were very thankful.

August brought many more visits to doctors...followups with the breast surgeon, new visits with the Radiation Oncologist and my new Oncologist. I also began Lymphedema treatments and manual lymphatic drainage during this time. I was fitted for my prostheses and got new mastectomy bras. Throughout every new challenge that came my way, God provided His perfect peace. 

September brought radiation treatments and lots of them. I had treatments Monday through Friday for 28 days and then had a few days off when my skin got so terribly burned that it began peeling off. My energy level went from 100 to zilch in just a few weeks and I found that radiation sickness was not something to take lightly. Every movement I made took a huge effort. I felt like I was an old, old woman. Radiation continued into the third week of October and new challenges came. My heart began skipping beats and I had to wear a heart monitor for several days. The cardiologist wasn't sure if the radiation may have affected my heart, but since it was in the field where the radiation was beamed, he wanted to do everything possible to ensure I would be okay. 

October was a month I dreaded because of the pink everywhere! (October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.) As I continued my radiation treatments, I tried my best to realize that I was coming down the home stretch. 

November was filled with more doctor appointments and followup visits. On the 14th of the month, I began taking an aromatase inhibitor, Arimidex, which was supposed to block the production of Estrogen in my body and keep cancer cells from growing. That medication brought on a whole new set of challenges and after two weeks, the doctor was taking me off of it. Thanksgiving was a very special time with loved ones. We thanked God for the many blessings He had provided throughout the year...for the wisdom and guidance of the medical staff who'd cared for me and for them taking such good care of us. 

December was a joy filled month, as we prepared to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Christmas music and decorations helped usher in the special day. We were surrounded by family love which made each moment memorable. On December 27, I began taking Tamoxifen, another chemotherapy drug, to block Estrogen in my body, and once again, the challenges of side effects have come. 

Throughout each month, there have been challenges, but God has met them with His awesome provision and power. I have felt His peace surrounding me and guiding me on this journey. He's never left me alone. Sure there have been days where I've done nothing but cry all day long as I've held my own pity party, but those days don't come often. I have been learning to keep my eyes fixed on Christ instead of focusing on my current circumstances and when I do that, I realize that my suffering is NOTHING in comparison to what He did for me on the cross. 

This year has hurried by although some days felt as if they would never end. I can hardly believe we're at the end of 2014. In my last post, I wrote about looking in the "rear view mirror" and how, if we're not careful, we can lose our perspective and fall off the path of where today is taking us. In 2015, I want my focus to be very mindful. I want to make each moment count. I don't want to look behind and I don't want to look ahead...I want to focus on what God is doing at that exact moment in my life. I know He has great plans for me. I don't ever think any form of suffering is wasted. God uses it to teach us about His mercy. I have learned so much more than I could ever share in a blog post and I am so grateful for this past year although I never expected to experience any of the things I did. And so, I will leave you with my New Year's prayer. Hopefully it will touch your heart and prompt you to pray your own. May God fill you with His richest blessings and may you find His perfect peace sustaining you as you enter into the new year. In the words of an old Southern Baptist hymn, "Every day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before!"

Oh Gracious Heavenly Father,
Oh how I thank you for bringing me through another year of my life. Lord there have been some very scary moments and some really happy ones, too. Lord…I thank you so much that I am your child and you are my Father. You have been by my side throughout this year. As I focused my mind on You…You filled me with so much peace, and oh, the grace! I can't forget the grace you offered to me daily. Every day Your mercy was there to greet me in the morning. Your faithfulness was overwhelming to me. I never would have made it…without You!

Lord the greatest lesson I have learned this year is to trust You completely. When I started writing this blog…I didn’t know that talking with You so much and having to dig into Your Word would have such a profound effect on me. I learned more about you than I have ever learned in the past. Throughout all my years of walking with You, now I find that I’m more focused and less stressed. When troubles came my way it was easier to just cast my burdens on You and trust that You would be there for me and you were. Lord this year, we experienced loss in our family but even still, You’ve given my family so much comfort. We have so much peace knowing that our loved one is with you. Father God…I saw so many miracles this year that You have done in my life and in the lives of others. I have shared your miracles publicly because I want you to receive the glory. I want others to see that You indeed do take care of your children.

I’m so glad that You are not a far away God…that you are an ever present God. You are here with me and I feel Your presence. That presence has been here for the past 365 days of this year. You did not miss a single day, minute or a second of my life. I was totally covered with Your love. God… this is the last day of the year and I just want to express all my thanks to You for bringing me through another year. Thank you for being so faithful to me. You promised to be faithful and you were! With the big lesson I learned this year… to trust you completely in all things, I thank you for using cancer to teach me this lesson. 

My requests for 2015 are:
1. for wisdom and direction
2. for boldness to share what you've done in my life
3. for the ability to be more merciful, giving and loving like Jesus

My 3 requests for others:
1. for the lost to come to know you as their personal Lord and Savior and to know and understand that you are a loving and kind God, not a cruel and heartless task master
2. for parents to train up their children to love and follow after you....in an evil world, they need You so desperately
3. for Christians to pray for one another...to encourage and support one another with your BIG LOVE. 

Thank you, Father, that you hear our prayers. May Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Amen. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Forgetting what lies behind

What I want you to know:
I was there to see a new doctor...to become established as a new patient. The office was crowded but the staff was friendly...it will be okay, I thought. Within just a few minutes, the nurse called my name. I rose from my seat and walked toward the door. I winked at my husband, who was filling out paperwork, "see you in a few minutes," I said.

The nurse took me back through a maze of hallways and after getting my weight, took me into an exam room where she asked general health questions. When it came time for her to take my blood pressure, I knew I would have to tell her about the cancer. I had hoped I wouldn't have to divulge that information so quickly, but it was necessary. She pulled the cuff from the wall and came closer. As she was about to wrap the cuff around my arm, I said, "you'll have to do it on my ankle." She looked at me through puzzled eyes and that's when I remarked, "I have breast cancer." I showed her my Lymphedema sleeves and she shook her head. "My mother had breast cancer and she had sleeves too." I felt a little more at ease. She said, "I'll let the doctor decide what to do about the blood pressure." She smiled and stepped out of the room. I waited.

In a couple of minutes my new physician was entering the room. He reached out his hand to make my acquaintance. He seemed very professional and friendly. I commented on the artwork he had on the exam room walls. They were covered in framed, handmade drawings and paintings created by a child. Evidently they were done by either his child or a grandchild. He smiled and thanked me telling me that the pictures were made by his "now grown" daughter. I told him I had 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren with one on the way. He smiled.

We proceeded through a crash course of my medical history and he asked the reason for my visit. I explained that we were new to the area and were just there to get established. He asked what my main concern was and I told him I didn't really have one other than the breast cancer. I was already being treated for that. He asked me to lie back on the exam table and proceeded to take my blood pressure on my ankle. I was very still as he listened to my heart and lungs. He ordered some routine blood tests and asked if I needed any of my medications filled while I was there. I gave him the necessary information and thanked him as I headed for the lab.

Sitting in the chair, waiting to have my blood drawn, I could feel my heart beating faster. I was nervous. When the lab tech came over, needle in hand, she glanced down at my arms. I don't think she realized I was wearing compression sleeves. She must have thought I was wearing a long sleeve shirt underneath my blouse. As she readied herself to draw my blood, and saw I wasn't making any effort to raise my sleeves, I could see a questioned look on her face. "I have breast cancer," I heard myself saying once again. I explained to her that my blood could only be drawn on my left hand and only using a butterfly needle. She looked and saw that the veins on that hand were very tiny. She began vigorously slapping the top of my hand in hopes of making the veins become more prominent. After a few minutes, I felt a stick. She had inserted the butterfly needle at the precise location she had chosen but had missed the mark. She called to her coworker and asked for help. The other lab tech came over and with just a few quick adjustments was able to get the blood to flow easily. "Oh, you have the magic touch," I said. The older woman exclaimed, "honey, I've been doing this for fourteen years." I asked her if she had prayed over that needle before sticking me. She smiled and said, "yes, I did. I always do!" We smiled at each other and I was thankful she was a sister in Christ.

I left the office that day with a bandage on my hand. As my husband and I were driving home from our appointments, I began thinking. Why did I tell the nurse, the doctor, and the lab techs that I have breast cancer? Why didn't I say I had cancer? That was food for thought.

This morning, while having my devotional, I came across two verses in the Bible that helped me find the answer to my questions.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19 New International Version

"Brothers and sisters I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14 New International Version

The reason I said, "I have breast cancer," is because I had been looking backward instead of looking forward. Yes, I had breast cancer, but I no longer have it. I've had surgery. I've had radiation, and in just a few days, I'll start on medication. I needed to shift my thinking.

I needed to look forward with my eyes fixed on the goal before me...to live. I needed to look forward with gratitude and excitement. The only reason I ever have to look back is to remember how far I've come. I never want to look back with regret. I never want to look back and wish things were different. To keep growing and changing, I have to keep moving. I have to move forward and not backward.

Over and over again, I hear people say to me, "God will never give you more than you can handle." That statement is not in the Bible and is definitely not true. God often gives us more than we can handle and the reason He does is to show us that even when we are weak, He is strong. He is sufficient. Even in the depths of suffering, He is good.

As I look forward, I know that God is already there. He's waiting for me with outstretched hand. He is ready and willing to walk my path with me. When I look back, I see how far He's already taken me. We've traveled up steep and rocky trails together. Some of those trails I knew I couldn't climb...but we did it...we made it together! There may be rocky paths ahead still, but I'm willing to go wherever He leads me...one step at a time. I will keep moving forward. 

What I'm thinking:
Sometimes, I think it's okay to look back, just for a glance, just to remember. I always want to remember His faithfulness. my journey with breast cancer isn't over yet but my thinking has changed. I won't be so quick to exclaim, "I have breast cancer." I think the reason I've done that in the past was because of my fear of the  unknown. Surgery and radiation should have removed all traces of the cancer, but that little feeling of insecurity has said, "but, what  it...." It's time to put those thoughts to rest. I may have had breast cancer, but it isn't going to have me. I'm moving forward and not only am I looking at what lies ahead of me, I'm looking up, too. God is doing a new thing! He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The old is gone and the new has come.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved