Count your blessings, name them one by one

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year. Families get together and enjoy a big, delicious meal. There's lots of love and laughter around the table. Everyone eats until they're stuffed and then the men adjourn to the living room for football. The women begin clearing away the dishes talking as they work. Christmas shopping trips are planned. Life is good. All of these sounds are the sounds of blessings. We always have so much to be thankful for, don't we?

This year, my focus is a little different than in years past. This year, I will just enjoy a quiet, peace filled day thanking God for giving me a second chance at life.  It's amazing how things can change in the span of a year's time, isn't it? Never did I dream my life would change so drastically from one year to the next, but then, no one ever expects a health crisis, do they?

In years past, I've always enjoyed scouring my cookbooks to find new and exciting recipes to try on my family. Every once in a while, I'd find one to sneak in amid the old favorites. No one ever complained, they graciously tasted the new dish and gave either a thumbs up or a thumbs down. That's the way we finally decided on our family traditional meal which usually includes Turkey and gravy, cornbread dressing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, hashbrown casserole, sweet potato casserole, and some sort of dessert. I've always loved cooking and usually made everything from scratch. But not this year, I just don't have the stamina. It won't matter what we eat, I'll just be thankful for being here and being able to give thanks for all the blessings God has so graciously provided.

Here are some of the blessings He's given me this year:

• a wonderful breast surgeon who was kind and caring
• protection from infection after surgery
• complete healing of surgical incisions
• strength to endure radiation treatments
• a low Oncotype score allowing me to escape Chemotherapy
• provision for our medical bills
• caring medical staff
• a supportive, loving family
• encouraging friends
• an Oncologist who is willing to listen
• new friends at the Cancer Wellness Center
• free art therapy and writing classes

There are so many, many blessings God has given me...too many to count, in fact! But I have decided to list at least 10 blessings each day in my gratitude journal. By taking time to purposefully look for blessings, I find my heart of gratitude growing.

May God fill your home with the sounds of blessing this year and may you choose to look for each and every one. I am thankful for you and pray you have a wonderful time with friends and family celebrating all God has given you.  Count your blessings! Name them one by one! Count your many blessings, see what God has done!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

Out of the frying pan and into the fire

This is my life

For the past two weeks, I've been a blubbering mess. Anything and nothing have set me into a tailspin. I've been so depressed and hopeless. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm never like that. Finally, after doing a lot of internet research, I discovered the medication I was on, Arimidex, was the culprit. It seems Arimidex is a chemotheraphy drug. I had no idea. I knew it was an antihormone therapy drug, but didn't know it was a chemo drug. Realizing that I had to take charge of my life and be my own advocate, I called my Oncologist today.

When I called in to Dr. Feinstein's office, I went through all the prompts in order to leave a message on the nurse's line. Around 11:00 a.m. I received a call back. The nurse kindly explained that the doctor was "out of pocket" which I took to mean "he's out of the office for the Thanksgiving holidays." She assured me that she would email him and when he replied she'd be in touch. So I waited. Around 4:00 p.m. the nurse called back. She said I was to stop taking the Arimidex immediately (which I had already decided to do earlier this morning). Dr. Feinstein said it would take about 4 weeks for the medicine to get out of my system and then he wanted me to start taking Tamoxifen, which is the old tried and true cancer medication. I wasn't happy to hear I'll have to go from one medication to another, but hopefully I won't have the nasty side effects with the other drug.

I've felt like a "space cadet" all day. My mind has been so foggy. I've started one project only to leave it and start doing something in another room for an hour or two before remembering what I was supposed to be doing in the first place. I've jumped from one thing to another all day. I did remember to text a few folks my apologies for the lapse in sanity over the past few weeks. Hopefully they'll be understanding and forgive me. After all, I did have a little "chemo brain" and wasn't in total control of my thoughts and actions. 

For years people with cancer have worried about, joked about, and been frustrated by the mental cloudiness they sometimes notice before, during, and after cancer treatment. Even though its exact cause isn’t always known, and it can happen at any time during cancer, this mental fog is commonly called chemo brain. Patients have been aware of this problem for some time, but only recently have studies been done that could help to explain it. Doctors have known for years that radiation treatment to the brain can cause thinking and memory problems. Recently, they have found that chemotherapy is linked to some of the same kinds of problems. Research shows that some cancer drugs can cause certain kinds of changes in the brain. But it also shows that chemo and radiation aren’t the only things that can cause thinking and memory problems in people with cancer. Though the brain usually recovers over time, the sometimes vague yet distressing mental changes cancer patients notice are real, not imagined. They might last a short time, or they might go on for years. These changes can make people unable to go back to their school, work, or social activities, or make it so that it takes a lot of mental effort to do so. Chemo brain affects everyday life for many people, and more research is needed to help prevent and cope with it. 

What is chemo brain?

• Forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling (memory lapses)
• Trouble concentrating (they can’t focus on what they’re doing, have a short attention span, may “space out”)
• Trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events
• Trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking, without losing track of one task (they are less able to do more than one thing at a time)
• Taking longer to finish things (disorganized, slower thinking and processing)
• Trouble remembering common words (unable to find the right words to finish a sentence)

For most people, brain effects happen quickly and only last a short time. Others have long-term mental changes. Usually the changes that patients notice are very subtle, and others around them might not even notice any changes at all. Still, the people who are having problems are well aware of the differences in their thinking. Many people don’t tell their cancer care team about this problem until it affects their everyday life. This "chemo brain" has definitely affected my life and that's why I chose to call my doctor today. I'll be glad when I begin feeling more like myself and I can think clearly again.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Please stop the merry-go-round, I want to get off!

Life is hectic, especially this time of year with the holidays right around the corner. Today, my husband and I had the brilliant idea of going to the grocery store, the cupboards were bare and I hadn't been shopping in over a month. It was a rainy, dreary November day and surely no one would be out in this nasty morning weather...wrong! When we arrived at the store, the parking lot was full. After circling a time or two, we found a parking space, parked the car and went inside.

In the store, there were people everywhere frantically scurrying around to buy their Thanksgiving meal items. It was so overwhelming! My sweet husband, Phil,  must have noticed my anxiety because he took me by the arm and led me toward the deli section. He leaned over to me and sweetly said, "just calm down. I know you're trying so hard. Let me help. Just tell me what you need and I'll go get it." Together we managed to weasel our way through the aisles dodging elbows and ankles with our shopping cart. People were pleasant and courteous to one another saying "excuse me" and "thank you" as we all made our way to our various destinations. I was happy that holiday angst hadn't taken hold of people here yet.

The faster we traveled through the store, the more overwhelmed I became. Everywhere you looked there were people blocking the aisles! Phil asked what the next items on the list were and I told him as he made a mental note and told me to stay put. I stood there in the aisle looking bewildered as he quickly dashed off to retrieve the frozen food items. Watching the people darting around made me nauseous. Everyone was in such a hurry. No one paid me any attention as I stood hunkered over my shopping cart handle holding on for dear life. My back was really hurting and I felt like I had the flu. Every joint and muscle in my body ached.

When Phil made his way back to me, he could tell it was too much. Teary eyed, I told him it was time to go. He asked if there was anything else I needed and I replied, "no, let's just go home now." So we made our way to the registers to check out.

A couple of weeks ago, my Oncologist, Dr. Feinstein, had prescribed Arimidex for me. It's an anti hormone therapy drug that blocks estrogen in the body. Since my cancer was fed by estrogen and progesterone, he wanted me to start taking the medication immediately after I had finished radiation. He mentioned a few side effects that might be bothersome, like muscle aches and pains, nausea, insomnia, etc. I had no idea that I would suffer most if not all of them.

While putting away the groceries, I began thinking and wondering if perhaps I should stop taking the medication cold turkey. It's been so difficult to struggle through the mood swings, the tearfulness, the back pain, the aching muscles and joints. I've just felt so unlike myself and I don't like the way I'm feeling. I'd much rather not be on the medication and have a better quality of life.

For months and months I've felt like I was on a merry-go-round that's been slowly picking up speed. When I first got on, it was one doctor after another, then one treatment after another, and now it's one symptom after another. I'm ready to get off! I feel like my head is spinning and my eyes can't focus on anything. I feel totally out of control.

Tomorrow I'm going to call Dr. Feinstein's office and tell him my plan. He'll probably encourage me to give it a few more weeks, but I'm not going to agree to that. I know there are many other anti hormone therapy drugs out there and maybe one of those wouldn't have so many side effects. Then again, do I have to take one at all? I just don't know. All I can do it trust his expertise. I certainly don't want to have the cancer come back again, but I don't want to live a life that is full of pain and agony either.

When I was a child, I used to love merry-go-rounds. It was so fun to have someone push you faster and faster as the wind whipped through your hair and you held on tight so you wouldn't fall off. When it started to go too fast, I would always take my foot and hold it over the edge barely touching the ground slowing things down a bit. When I was ready to get off, even if the merry-go-round hadn't completely stopped, I'd just jump off. Back then, I would be laughing the entire time. Now, I'm not laughing...I'm crying.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The little engine that could

When I was a child, I remember my mother reading me the story of the "Little Engine that Could" by Watty Piper. It was a great children's story focusing on the power of positive thinking. In the story, a long train must be pulled over a high mountain. Several big train engines refuse when they are asked to help. Then the request is made to a very small train engine who agrees to try. The engine succeeds in pulling the train over the mountain while repeating its motto: "I-think-I-can." I love that story because it's a story of hope and determination!

Daily I face many challenges and often times, simple things become next to impossible to accomplish but I keep pushing...I keep trying...I keep saying to myself, "I think I can." Without that determined attitude, I don't think I would be doing as well as I am. When I find that I'm unable to do something I really want to do, my husband reminds me that it's only been 4 months since my surgery. That little reminder helps me realize that I'm doing pretty good and while my energy and strength haven't fully returned, day by day, I'm getting just a little bit stronger.

Yesterday was a long, hard day for me. My daughter was coming down to visit so I began doing the housework early. There was laundry to do, floors to be mopped, bathrooms to be cleaned, and carpets to be vacuumed. My house has always been kept extremely clean but since surgery, I can't keep up the way I did in the past. Instead of cleaning twice a week, now I only do major cleaning twice a month.

My daughter had come down for me to cut and color her hair. That doesn't sound like a complicated thing for most people but having to use my arms so much cause them to really swell up even with my lymphedema sleeves on. I pushed through the pain saying over and over to myself, "I think I can...I think I can."  I did a good job of keeping her from knowing I was hurting.

Later in the day, my daughter needed to run out to the store and asked if I would mind babysitting for a bit. I love spending time with my granddaughter and told her it would be no problem. I was already very tired, but I kept on chugging along. Keeping up with a 15 month old is challenging especially when you're already physically exhausted but I did it.

When it was time for bed, I became very emotional. I was so exhausted and my arms were huge. I cried a little and then fell fast asleep. When I awoke this morning, ready to start the day, I climbed out of bed with my heart set on keeping a steady pace instead of pushing myself so hard. If I do that, "I think I can" will become "I know I can."

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Be brave and courageous

Paul Cezanne's Three Pears

Be brave and courageous...those were the words I heard echoing in my mind this morning as I was waking. Today was the day they offered art therapy at the cancer wellness center. I pushed the thought into the back of my mind and went about my morning. 

I grabbed a protein shake for breakfast and went into my office to read a few emails. As I sat at my computer, I kept feeling like I was supposed to go to art therapy today...TODAY. I had wanted to go for some time but had never had enough courage to drive into town and participate in a class with complete strangers. I didn't think I was ready...not yet...but I kept hearing, "be strong and courageous." The words seemed to keep time with the rhythm of my heart, getting stronger and faster minute by minute. "Okay! I get it," I said out loud as I walked into my bedroom and threw off my robe.

It took several minutes to wiggle into my compression sleeves but after I got them up and into place, I quickly dressed. I didn't know if the ladies in the group would dress casually or semi-casually, so I opted for a pair of black pants, a black tank, and a black button down shirt. I slipped into my shoes and went into the bathroom to put on my makeup. Skillfully I applied a light coat of foundation, a dusting of powder, some blush, a little eye makeup, and my lipstick. I stepped back and looked at myself. I didn't look artistic at all. Oh bother! Why am I even getting ready to go? I could just stay home and work around the house...then I heard those words again, "be strong and courageous."

I gathered my purse, keys, and phone and headed out the door. It was 9:30 a.m. I opened the garage door and slid into my car. As I cranked it up, I turned on the radio. A pastor was talking about courage...coincidental? I think not. Driving out of my driveway, I wondered what on earth I was doing. Mindlessly, I drove to the hospital, parked my car, and got out. All of a sudden I was overcome with panic. "Be strong and courageous," an almost audible voice whispered in my mind.

The up button on the elevator lit up a brilliant blue. As the doors slid open, two smiling women glanced my way. I returned the smile and stepped onto the elevator, as I reached inside the door to press number 3. The elevator was empty by the time I arrived at the third floor. I stepped off gingerly and took a deep breath. As I turned to go down the long hallway to the wellness center, I could feel my heart beating inside my chest...LUB, DUB, LUB, DUB, LUB, DUB..............
BE...STRONG...AND...COURAGEOUS...

The door to the wellness center was heavier than I thought. As I struggled against its weight, I finally managed to open it, inside were two women. The older of the two women looked at me. I told her my name and said I was there for the art therapy class. She explained that the class normally started at 10:00 a.m. but today, it wouldn't start until 10:30 a.m. I drew in a breath and told her I'd left my phone in my car and that I was going to go down and get it. Quickly, I left the room and hurried down the hallway back to the elevator.

When I reached my car, I wanted to just get in and leave but that would be the coward's way out...I had to do this. I'd been couped up in my house since surgery. It was time to do something! It was time to make some new friends! "Be strong and courageous...."

When I got back up to the wellness center, several other women had arrived. The art teacher introduced me to them and had us all sit down. "Today, we're going to learn about Paul Cezanne, the famous French artist." I looked around the room and saw women of various ages intently watching the PowerPoint presentation. I was the only one without both breasts.

After the presentation was over, the art therapist handed us each a sheet of watercolor paper. She pointed to the picture of Cezanne's "Three Pears" on the computer screen and said, "this is what we're going to paint today." The picture looked very simple...three pears lying on a dish in very muted shades of pale green. The women in the class exclaimed how easy it looked but the art therapist begged to differ.

Bonnie Annis' Three Pears

Each student sat with art supplies in front of her. I was thankful to be in the center of the room where I could see the instructor easily. I watched as she explained the techniques warning us to let the paint flow in the direction it wanted to go...to "just let the paint do it's thing." Since I'd never painted with watercolors before, I wanted to make sure I listened well to the instructor. I had been interested in learning watercolor painting but had never had the chance. Wasn't that just like God...to give me one of my heart's desires for being obedient to His command to be brave and courageous? I smiled to myself and wondered if He was smiling too.

We worked for about an hour and a half on our paintings. The instructor said we'd done well. She asked us to put away our supplies and join her for an impromptu luncheon. She'd baked several quiches and some french bread. She'd brought some brie and crackers along with various types of olives. To complete the meal, she'd included a lovely bottle of Pinot Grigio and some French chocolates.

Sitting around the tables, we enjoyed our meal and some small talk. I was able to visit with several of the women and learn a little about each of them. As I stood to say my goodbyes, one of the women asked if I would be coming back next week...she said there was a writing class immediately after the art therapy session and she hoped I'd come.

Most people don't know that I am very shy. I have always tried to hide it. It was hard for me to step out of my comfort zone and go to the cancer wellness center today but I'm thankful I did. It felt good to be able to meet some new people. It felt good to be around women who understood what it felt like to have breast cancer. It felt good to be able to talk freely about surgeries, treatments, and medications but also just to know it was a safe place to open up about my feelings.

I'm thankful I listened to those words, "be strong and courageous," this morning as I got up out of bed. I do believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to step out in faith. Even though the art therapy class didn't require anything other than my willingness to go and participate, I know God had my best interests at heart. He knew I really wanted to go but was afraid of going. He knew I wanted to make new friends and He knew I would enjoy it once I got there an learned to open up a little. He knew it was where I needed to be. I am so glad He cares about me enough to speak to my heart. How often do we let fear rule our lives? If I hadn't been willing to be obedient, I would never have received the blessing God had in store for me today...I would have missed it.

There's a quotation I read once that says, "Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free." ~ Jim Morrison. Satan uses fear to hold us captive but in the Bible, it says, "for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7. Why was I so afraid of going today? I think it was just a fear of the unknown and feeling insecure. Satan tried to keep me from going because he knew God wanted me to learn courage. Is there something you fear? Is there something God's been prompting you do to? Have you heard those little whisperings to be brave and courageous? It's okay to feel unsure of yourself in new situations or circumstances but don't let fear hold you captive. God wants us to live and walk in freedom.

One last quote I want to share with you. It's from the book, Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne and in the story, Winnie the Pooh, the wonderful, loveable, teddy bear is talking with his best friend, Piglet, a cute little pink pig...this is what he says - “... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” I hope you'll hold onto that thought. I know I sure will!


©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The bumps are what you climb on

I don't remember when I took my first hike, but it was probably with one of my Girl Scout troops many, many years ago. Being deep in the forest green, I felt different...I felt alive. Underneath the canopy of trees, the air was fresh and clean. The forest was alive with activity...all one had to do was stop, look, and listen. That first hike opened my senses and I fell in love with the great outdoors. Since that day, I've spent many days hiking or camping. It's what I love doing most.

Last year, my husband and I went hiking on the Appalachian Trail. We've jumped on and off different parts of the trail for the past 21 years, but on this trip, we were on the Benton McKaye Trail. We were at the trail head near Springer Mountain. The Benton McKaye Trail is a footpath about 300 miles long. It traverses through the Appalachian Mountains into the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.We were on a day trip, so we'd only cover about 7 to 10 miles that day, but we were excited.

We started out casually walking and talking about our plans for the week. Staying in a nearby cabin, we wanted to make the most of our vacation stay. The trail wound through the trees and we noticed a change as the path grew steeper. As we walked, we also noticed the forest seemed to grow more dense with heavy moss and deep green vines. Our breathing intensified as the trail got progressively more difficult. The path was no longer easy and smooth. Now it was rocky and covered with exposed roots from nearby trees. The roots and rocks made walking difficult. It was no longer easy to talk to each other face to face. We found it necessary to constantly look down at our feet to keep from tripping. The path became steeper and steeper. At one point, I had to lean forward and grasp onto some of the roots to pull myself up the hill. While the roots keep us tripping forward, I was also thankful for the ones that provided natural handholds.

I haven't been hiking in many months now because of my health issues. I miss it. Every day I sit at my computer looking out my window into the woods surrounding our house and I long to be out on a trail. Thinking about trails, hiking, and camping made me realize that sometimes, the bumps are what you have to climb on. Without the rocks and roots, my husband and I wouldn't have been able to make it up the vertical incline through the woods. As I thought about how the obstacles helped us continue on our journey, I began to think about my health. My journey with Breast Cancer started off slow and steady. First came the diagnosis and tests, then came surgery. As the path twists and turns, I'm learning to take one step at a time. I'm finding I have to step over some obstacles and grab onto my faith a little harder.

This morning, as I was reading my Bible, I found several passages that spoke to me. These verses tell me not to be surprised when I face trials in my life because the trials, allowed by God, have come to teach and test. They have also come to produce perseverance. Just like hiking on a trail, despite rocks and roots, takes me to my destination; trials in my life, though difficult and challenging, change me into the person God wants me to be.

Often when we hike, I love hunting waterfalls. Deep in the woods, in the middle of a path, it's hard to see what's around the next bend. I can usually hear the rushing waters long before we reach the waterfall, but I know it's somewhere ahead of me. Sometimes my ears trick me and make me think the waterfall is closer than it really is, but I just have to keep on walking and trusting that as I stay on the path, I'll reach my destination. It's the same way with my cancer journey. I know there's some reason God has allowed me to travel this path. I know there's something beneficial for me in it and even though I can't see it, I have to keep on walking through it. I have to climb over the rocks and roots. I have to use them to take me higher. My path is filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, rocks and roots, but I am determined to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. God hasn't promised to remove the stones from my path, but He does promise to make them into stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks.

One day, I'll have learned what He wants me to learn and I'll have become the person He wants me to become. I'll look back at the path I've traveled and see all I've been able to overcome. Some days it seems I'm all alone on the path, but I know that's not true. I know I have a constant traveling companion, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He's promised to never leave me or forsake me. Why He's chosen this particular path, I may never know, but I am thankful for the rocks and roots He's given me to climb on to reach the high places. His Word tells me the testing of my faith will produce perseverance. The dictionary describes perseverance as steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. I think I'm learning this lesson quite well. Thank you, Lord, that you've found me worthy to partake in a small part of your sufferings. May you receive glory and honor and may I be found faithful as I continue to press on. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved 

^"12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³ But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ¹⁴ If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. ¹⁵ If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. ¹⁶ However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. ¹⁷ For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? ¹⁸ And,

“If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
    what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”^[a]

¹⁹ So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:12-19

^"3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:3


^"3 Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance." Romans 5:3

Disclaimer

It has become necessary for me to put a disclaimer on my blog. Perhaps I should have done this at the very beginning, but I didn't think it was necessary. I have received several complaints over my content and the way several posts have been written bringing me to this point. I would like to say, to the majority of my faithful readers, this does NOT apply to you. This disclaimer is aimed specifically at those who are eager to find fault, cause dissension, and are malicious in their intent. They do not seem to grasp the concept that this blog is my own private web log....a journal of my thoughts and feelings created for my own personal well being. It has always been my hope that my blog might provide some good practical information, some shred of hope, some tiny bit of encouragement, or help someone else along their own breast cancer journey. With all of that being said, here is my disclaimer:

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Bonnie Annis