Don't look for trouble

I've been off of the Aromasin for 4 days now and I feel so much better! I know it's still going to take some time to get all of it out of my system, but I can feel a marked difference. 

Saturday morning I began to get very nauseated. At first, I thought it was something I had eaten, but I quickly ruled that out as I remembered I'd gone cold turkey from my cancer medication. It was terrible! My stomach felt worse than it ever had before...even worse than morning sickness or the flu! I couldn't keep anything down, not even saltines or ginger-ale. I was pitiful. My sweet husband tried his best to take care of me. I spent the entire day in the bathroom clinging to the toilet or in the bed moaning and groaning. It was not a pretty sight. 

Maybe I should have researched the medication a little before deciding to abruptly stop taking it. I didn't even think about the dangers of going cold turkey...I just knew I had to stop because of what it was doing to my body. I prayed before deciding to stop and felt a peace about my decision. My husband agreed with me, so I knew it would be okay. (I haven't discussed it with my oncologist yet, but I plan to call him soon and let him know. I'm sure he won't be happy about my decision, but he'll just have to accept it. I have to do what is best for my quality of life, after all, it's my body.)

It was no surprise when fear came creeping in later that day and the "what ifs" started filling my head with nonsense. I had to quickly rid my mind of wondering about a recurrence of cancer now that I had no medication to keep it away...funny how Satan always tries to attack me with that, but my God is bigger! And why would I go looking for trouble anyway??? 

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered how often we worry needlessly, seek out problems, or fret over things we can’t control? God tells us, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6. Our minds can get so wrapped up in worry that we miss the blessings of the day. I have a choice to worry about the cancer coming back or to celebrate the fact that it is gone. I want to spend every day praising God for healing me and giving me cancer free days, not anxiously wondering if it will return.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matt. 6:25-34

What does worry do for us anyway? There is no good in it. While we are to be responsible with our lives and our health, there is no need to fear. I plan to take good care of my cancer free body: eat nutritious food, exercise, actively manage stress, rest well, praise the God who saved me, spend time with family and friends, and refuse to worry! I'm not going to go looking for trouble. Each day God chooses to give me is a gift and I plan to look forward to it and celebrate it. 

This is a new year and it's high time I start focusing on the blessing of life God has set before me. I refuse to let fear have power over me any more. I am no longer going to allow those thoughts of recurrence to enter my mind. The Bible tells me I am to hold EVERY thought captive. 2 Corinthians 10:4–5 says, “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh. But the weapons of our warfare have divine power to destroy strongholds.[First,] we destroy arguments and every lofty or proud opinion raised against the knowledge of God and [second,] we then take every thought captive.” 

I know I'm in the midst of warfare. Satan wants me to be fearful and worry. He wants me to wonder every day if the cancer has returned and is growing somewhere in my body. But God wants my focus to be on Him and to remember He is in control! That is why it's so important for me to keep my blinders on and to keep my eyes fixed on Christ. If I don't keep looking straight ahead, I might just find myself looking for trouble and I certainly don't want that!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Day 4, so far so good

Today is the fourth day I've been on Aromasin and so far, knock on wood, I haven't noticed any side effects whatsoever! This is great news and I'm hoping it will last. I've been dreading side effects because Aromasin has some pretty severe ones associated with it.

When I first decided to take the medication, I looked up all of the side effects. The ones that scared me the most were hair loss and bone fractures. Isn't that funny to think I'd be afraid of hair loss? But I am. I don't think I'd look good without hair. Some people have great face shapes and look beautiful even with bald, shiny heads but I wouldn't be one of those. I have a very round face and my head would look like a big, giant melon. To top it off, my hair has just finally reached shoulder length. It has taken me from June of 2014 to get it here. I like my hair and want to keep it, but I have been noticing several loose hairs on the shower floor lately...

I was also terrified of bone fractures. Apparently this medication can cause severe bone thinning. I've only had a few broken bones in my life. Once, when I was very young, my forearm was accidentally broken by my sister. She was running and jumping (according to stories my Mom tells) and somehow, ended up landing smack dab on my arm. I don't remember it, but I was told it was a "greenstick" fracture. The only other bones I've had broken were my tibia and fibula on my right leg. Those were nasty breaks from a terrible motor vehicle accident. I remember those well and I remember the pain. On a level of 1-10, those breaks ranked off the charts. That is one reason I don't ever want to experience any bone fractures again and I couldn't even imagine just walking across the floor and a leg bone snapping into pieces. Or, heaven forbid, bumping up against something and a bone shattering....

To say I've been living in dread, while on this medication, is quite accurate. There are many more side effects I haven't mentioned like the possibility of heart attack or stroke, difficulty breathing, severe fatigue, weight gain (my worst nightmare), and others. But, as I said in the beginning of this post, so far, so good! I'm so happy. It's almost too good to be true and I'm waiting for something drastic to occur although I shouldn't be.

Today, I came across a verse of Scripture that addressed my fears. It's found in the book of Proverbs chapter 1 verse 33 and it says, "whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." When I first read it, it didn't sink in, so I read it again. The second time I read it, I realized I've been dreading disaster while on this medication. I've been expecting the worst. Isn't that just like us, as humans, to always be expecting the "other shoe to drop?" And that's exactly where Satan wants us to be...in a state of fear. He wants us to be fearful because he knows he has power over us when we don't walk in truth. This is a dangerous time because when we are afraid, we do our best to control things and fix things and make things all right. Our fears can overpower us and hold us captive. But look back at the verse in Proverbs. It says, ""whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." Whoever listens to me (that's Jesus speaking) will dwell secure and be at ease without dread of disaster. That tells me that no matter what I think or feel or expect to happen, it's not necessarily going to happen and if I choose to listen to what God says, over those screaming, fearful voices in my head, I will be at peace...at ease...it will be okay. I won't have to dread disaster coming. I won't have to be afraid. Whew!

One of my favorite books of all time is Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It's filled with allegories of Biblical truth. If you've never read it, you should! One of the characters in the book is called Much-Afraid (she symbolizes a young, fearful girl who has much to learn about life and I see myself in her character.) The Shepherd (Jesus) is talking to Much-Afraid encouraging her to continue on in her journey. Craven Fear is symbolic of Satan. This is an except from the book:

Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much-Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to being trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 
That little segment speaks volumes and certainly ties in with the Scripture in Proverbs.

God doesn't want me to live in a state of fear or dread expecting the worst, but Satan does. God wants me to walk in freedom knowing He's got me in the palm of His hand and He's not going to let anything happen to me. He's in control. And with that in mind, if He chooses to allow any side effects to touch my life, it'll be okay. He'll take care of me. I can always talk to my doctor and let him know the medication is causing problems. I can stop taking it at any point. But, I'm going to trust God in this because I know that's what I should do.

Before I started taking the medication, I waited two weeks. I prayed about it. I asked God what I should do. I didn't know if I should take it or not. My doctor was pushing me to take it, but doctors sometimes have other reasons for wanting you to take medication and the Great Physician trumps any medical doctor I currently see.

So....I'm just thankful! I'm so happy to be able to take the medication without any side effects. This was an unexpected surprise! I don't know why I wasted so much energy on fearing the worst. Hopefully, this month, of trial on the Aromasin, will be a good one and I can continue for the next 5 years as the doctor hopes. It will be a good thing if it works out that way. Keeping cancer at bay is my goal and I don't ever want to experience a recurrence. I've got too much life ahead of me to live as Much-Afraid did.

Tomorrow will be day 5. I'll take one day at a time and I'll trust my Shepherd to lead me all the way. It's so much nicer to be free from the heavy burden of dread. It can leave me on the edge of my moments feeling exhausted and that's no way to live. Thank goodness, I can trust in Jesus and be at ease!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Canceritis

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I immediately thought I'd been given a death sentence. I wondered how much time I had and I begin to become fearful. I went through all the motions, had the surgery, did all the treatments, and followed doctors' orders. I was a good patient. And now that my active treatment is officially over, I think I've developed a new malady...Canceritis.

It's common, they say, for breast cancer survivors to live in a constant fear of recurrence...after all, who wouldn't be scared to death that one of those random, rogue cancer cells might still be lurking around in your body? Surgeons can do amazing things but they never guarantee that they were able to "get it all." When treatment is over, it's difficult to go from being constantly proactive in fighting cancer, to allowing one's self to relax, let down the guard, and just get back to living life. Every new ache and pain causes a feeling of dread and a wondering of the big, "what if."

I was overcome by random pains yesterday. I hadn't felt anything like that since having my surgery. It was scary. Deep inside my right chest wall, there was a constant, nagging, very obvious pain. I reached up to touch the place where my breast once was and winced when my fingers brushed against my incision. As I felt along the surgical line, I noticed several places that were sensitive and enlarged. Had those been there before? Were these places of concern? Should I call my doctor?

I put some lotion on my hand and began to smooth it gently into my skin. I made a mental note of every lump and bump, every nook and cranny. I wanted to memorize what each place felt like so I could recheck in a day or two.

As I continued palpating my skin, I realized I have just a touch of Canceritis- a fear of the recurrence of cancer. While I don't want to admit that fact, it's definitely true. Canceritis has got to be one of the most common and least treatable side effects of breast cancer. There are so many remedies for other cancer side effects- nausea, hair loss, etc. The body heals, although it may often take some time, but the mind...that's another story. There's only one cure for that...faith.

How does a cancer patient learn to relax and let go of the fearfulness that a recurrence brings? The only way I know to combat that fear is by faith. Why should I allow fear of the unknown to have power and control over my life? I don't want to borrow trouble!

So instead of focusing on every little ache, every random pain, every new lump or bump I might feel, I'm going to leave the diagnosing to my medical staff. Of course, I will pay attention to my body and I will report anything that seems suspicious, but I'm not going to dwell on it and live in a constant state of Canceritis.

A couple of Tylenol knocked the edge off of the pains I was having in my chest. This morning, it's barely noticable. I'm thankful I don't have to walk in fear...that's a dangerous place to be. I'd rather think positively and realize I probably overdid it yesterday. I was quite busy and did lift several items I shouldn't have. Maybe I strained a muscle or maybe the scar tissue in that area was just loosening up a bit. In any case, I'm feeling better.

I never asked for cancer to come into my life. It was certainly an unwelcomed guest. There's a beautiful poem by Michael Hayes Samuelsen speaks so profoundly into the lives of Breast Cancer survivors and it has certainly meant a lot to me. I hope you'll enjoy it too.

Close the Door When You Leave

I never asked you to visit…at least I don’t believe I did
Maybe…I don’t know
It’s so confusing

At any rate, you’re a rude guest
You take my energy,
Rob my sleep, and with a stick

You swirl and distort my dreams
All right; You are here -- for now
But understand

There are two places
That are forever off limits

You may not tread on my spirit

You may not occupy my soul

I have heard of your visits to others
I know the damage you leave in your path
The wanton disregard for innocence, value, and what some would call fairness

Also, I hear that laughter confuses you; that good foods make you feel bad, and
That nothing causes you more distress than an autumn sunset, the forever blue of a summer sky,
Or the unconditional radiance of a child’s smile

Listen and understand
You might pilfer my closets, empty all the drawers, and trash my house
But there are two places forever off limits

You may not tread on my spirit

You may not occupy my soul

Do not mistake my nausea, weakness, and pain as signs of your victory
They are simply small dents in the armor I wear to fight you
Instead, look deeply into my eyes

They will once again remind you that there are two places forever off limits

You must not…

May not…

Will not tread on my spirit

You must not…

May not…

Will not occupy my soul

Canceritis may come and go. I'm sure in the days ahead I will experience more aches and pains that may lead me to become just a tiny bit fearful again. But those aches and pains along with that fear can only touch my body. It can't touch my spirit or my soul. I will not choose to walk in fear, but instead, choose to walk in faith. My days are numbered by my Heavenly Father and He is the only one who knows when He will call me home. Until that day, I've got a whole lot of living left to do!


©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Is God still good?

Jason and his wife, Kara

Yesterday afternoon I lost another friend. Her battle with breast cancer had been going on for the past two years. We never met in person but connected through Facebook and emails. As our friendship flourished, I felt I'd gained another sister.

Kara Tippetts was an amazing woman of God. She was born in 1976, the same year I gave birth to my oldest child. She grew up in Indiana, and earned her BS in English Education at Indiana University. She met her husband Jason at a Christian camp located in Colorado Springs, Colorado. They were married on May 16, 1998.

Kara met Jesus while in high school. Her youth leader read her a tract about Christianity and a friend invited her to youth group. Hearing a message about forgiveness prompted her to seek a relationship with Jesus, where she found total acceptance, kindness, and grace. While she didn’t experience instant change in her life, dramatic changes were slowly occurring in her heart. Kindness became Kara’s passion; it defined her relationship with Jason, and her four children: Eleanor, Harper, Lake, and Story Jane.

Answering a call to plant Westside Church in 2012, the Tippetts moved to Colorado where they soon after had to evacuate their home due to the Waldo Canyon Fire. It was this same summer that Kara received her breast cancer diagnosis. Despite beginning aggressive treatment for the cancer, Kara put her whole heart into growing and developing the new community that would become Westside, reaching out to others and teaching by example how to love and care for people well and sacrificially.

As the cancer spread, Kara courageously embraced her situation, trusting in a Sovereign God. She believed that cancer was not the point, but Jesus was; how she responded and trusted Christ in the midst of this hard was where she would find grace.

In the fall of 2014, David C. Cook published her story, "The Hardest Peace." The response to Kara’s book has been overwhelming. Kara fought harder than ever to live well and love others well and with intentionality. She refused to be defined by cancer and considered every moment a gift and an opportunity to learn more about grace and trusting God; she believed suffering was not an absence of beauty, but an opportunity to understand God’s love on a deeper level. 

Kara fought valiantly for almost 2 1/2 years. During her struggle with cancer, she asked herself a question, "in the midst of life's hard, is God still good?" That question made me begin to think about my own life and how I would answer. 

In the middle of trials, we pray for the courage to get through. We pray that our faith will not fail. We pray asking God to help our unbelief, we pray for a miracle...yet often, God seems quiet. Tears stream down our faces and we wonder if He hears us at all. 

Nancy Guthrie, in her book "Holding on to Hope," says "Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness - this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken." 

God's grace meets us every day. Some days we see it and other days we barely notice it. Walking through the valley of breast cancer, the moments we cling to grace seem to multiply. When we realize we are absolutely powerless to control, change, or fix our current condition we find ourselves clinging to the cross. 

Kara lived her life well. She loved others well. She walked with Jesus daily even in the midst of life's hard. Yesterday, she finished well. As she entered the glorious gates of heaven, I imagine she walked straight into her Savior's arms and as He lovingly embraced her, heard the words, "well done though good and faithful servant."

Yes, God is good all the time. He is good in the hard things and in the easy things. Nothing is too difficult for Him. No, we may never understand the reasons He allows us to suffer but if we can just learn to trust Him in the good times and the bad times, we'll be able to embrace the grace He bestows upon us. His perfect peace meets us when we need it most. 

Can I dare say that God is good in the midst of my battle with cancer as Kara did? Yes! I have learned to accept both the good things and the not so good things from His hand. I have learned that nothing slips through His fingers into my life without His permission. Coming to grips with this fact has given me the most profound sense of peace I've ever experienced in my life and allows me to emphatically state that yes, God is still good. 

It was a very emotional day for me yesterday. This was the second friend I'd lost to breast cancer over the last 6 months. They both were so young. They both had small children. It seemed so unfair. But I had to remind myself that God is a just God. I don't understand His ways nor am I supposed to because He is God and I am not. I am thankful I had the opportunity to interact with them and get to know them well. They both impacted my life deeply. 

Perhaps my tears were not only for my friend, but also for myself. Perhaps they were for the countless women who will travel this road in the future. Perhaps they were the result of dread and fear that I will meet the same fate, I'm only human, you know? 

I love this quotation from the book, "Hind's Feet on High Places," by Hannah Hurnard - "Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the place which you dread, you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 

I have no idea what the future holds for me. As hard as it may be, I will fight to walk in faith. I don't want to live in fear and dread....I don't want to listen to those "what ifs" that Satan continually whispers to my mind. May I hold tightly to God's hand and walk in confidence and hope as I trust Him to lead me daily step by step. Yes, life is often hard, but God is still good, all the time. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Stop it!

"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad." Proverbs 12:25
  
I have been feeling rather anxious lately. In fact, for the past 6 months, I've felt anxious. I've been worrying about a lot of things, some with good reason and some only figments of my imagination, but the worrying has taken control of me. Today, I decided it has to stop. 

The dictionary defines anxiety [ang-zahy-i-tee] as distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune, an abnormal fear that lacks a specific cause. I've had this nagging feeling that something horrible was going to happen for some time now. So I wasn't all that surprised when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I just knew, when I found the mass in my breast, that it wasn't going to be a good thing. That was a legitimate reason to worry or be concerned. But what about all those anxious thoughts I've had since my surgery? What about those thoughts that maybe, just maybe, they didn't get all of the cancer cells? What about those thoughts that one day, perhaps in the very near future, they'll find a new tumor somewhere else in my body? All of those "what ifs" have been driving me mad! Those feelings, or "evil forebodings," as the Bible calls them, have gained a foothold in my life. 

The Bible tells me that I'm not to let my heart be troubled, distressed or agitated. I'm not only not supposed to let my heart be troubled, I'm not supposed to let it be afraid either. Listen to the Amplified version of John 14:27 - "Do not let your hearts be troubled neither let them be afraid." (Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.) In other words, Jesus is telling me to, "STOP IT!"

I don't know why I struggle so much with anxiety and worry. I've done it all of my life. I guess I've felt that if I worried long and hard enough, maybe my efforts would pay off in some way. What a lie! My worrying has done absolutely nothing but make me spend valuable time focusing on something that I had absolutely no control over! So, I decided that instead of wasting my time, I'd do some research. I'd dig a little deeper to see what the Bible had to say about anxiety.

In 1 Peter 3:4, the Bible says "... a gentle and peaceful spirit...(is not anxious or wrought up, but) is very precious in the sight of God. So, wait a minute! God didn't need my help with the problem, or perceived problem? He didn't need all my worrying? No! He wanted me to RELAX and focus on the good things He wants to give me. In Phillipians chapter 4, verses 4,6, and 7, I'm reminded to REJOICE. I'm not to FRET or have ANXIETY about anything. I'm supposed to give thanks in everything and when I do that, I will receive God's PEACE! 

So why was I worrying? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that when I worry, I'm usually thinking about something in the past, that's already done and gone, or something in the future that hasn't even happened yet. I wasn't focusing on the here and now. There was the problem! I needed to fix my mind on what was going on right this minute. 

A dear friend of mine told me several months ago, during a phone conversation when I was sharing something I was really worried about with her, an important truth. She listened patiently to my worrying and didn't say a word. Then she said, "Bonnie, look down at your feet." Although I didn't say it, I was thinking, "what??? what do you want me to do? Why do you want me to look at my feet? I'm trying to explain to you this problem that is weighing heavily on my mind." But instead of speaking a word to her, I looked down at my feet. I heard her voice on the other end of the phone saying, "are you doing it? Did you look down at your feet?" I replied, "yes." And she said, "good! Now tell me, where are you right now?" I said, "I'm right here in my living room." She told me that my problem was that I wasn't focusing on exactly what was going on at that very moment. I wasn't remembering where I was...I wasn't in the present! I wasn't in the here and now! WOW! As I thought about what she was saying, it made tremendous sense. She was telling me exactly what I needed to hear. This was the key to my problem with worry and anxiety. When I learned to just let go and focus on that exact moment, there was no cause for worry. I was just learning to BE. She was reminding me of Ecclesiastes 5:1 and I don't think she even knew it. "Keep your foot (give your mind to what you are doing)..." She was teaching me to be a NOW person! Suddenly it all made sense! When I allowed my mind to be filled with worry, I "was borrowing" trouble (to quote my grandmother). 

Too often we spend our time in the past or in the future. That's why I'm not good at multi-tasking any longer. Just the other night, I was hurrying to get ready for bed and began brushing my teeth. While I was brushing my teeth, I was thinking about what I planned to do as soon as I finished brushing my teeth. As I was thinking, I reached into my bathroom drawer to take out the tube of toothpaste but instead of grabbing the toothpaste, I grabbed an antibiotic cream. Just as I was about to squeeze it onto my toothbrush, I realized it wasn't toothpaste! I was trying to hurry and finish one thing so I could get to the next thing. I wasn't focusing on what I was doing at the time. 

So what does it mean when the Bible says I'm to "keep my foot?" I think it means I'm supposed to stay focused and balanced! I'm supposed to think about what I'm doing right now and not focus on what might happen in the next few minutes, days or months. I think it means that I'm supposed to remember where I am and not think about past issues or events. There's a verse in Matthew that sums it up nicely, "Do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34

Instead of worrying and stressing and being anxious, what am I supposed to do??? STOP IT! I'm supposed to just chill out...calm down...relax! Instead of allowing myself to get caught up in the what ifs, I'm going to look down at my feet. I'm going to remember where I am and what I'm doing at that very minute. I'm going to learn from the past and prepare for the future, but I'm going to live in the present. I'm not going to allow Satan to use worry and fear to control me. There's one more verse in the Bible that I need to share with you here - "Cast all your cares upon Him for He careth for you." 1 Peter 5:7. It's not my job to handle the problems...it's God's job. When I can let go of my desire to "do something" to help Him out, I'll be a whole lot better off and you will too! So in closing, I'd like to say, "STOP IT!" I'd also like you to promise me you'll take about 6 minutes of your time to watch this little video by Bob Newhart. (The link to the video is below this post.) It's funny but it's filled with truth. I downloaded it and I keep in on my computer so I can play it back for myself often. It's a wonderful reminder when I find myself tempted to start worrying again. Perhaps you'll want to save it to your computer too. Enjoy and remember, worrying and feeling anxious don't solve anything, they just give you something to do to keep busy. Life is too short to waste a single minute, so relax and enjoy it! Watch Bob Newhart's skit "Stop It!" 

@bonnie annis all rights reserved

Be brave and courageous

Paul Cezanne's Three Pears

Be brave and courageous...those were the words I heard echoing in my mind this morning as I was waking. Today was the day they offered art therapy at the cancer wellness center. I pushed the thought into the back of my mind and went about my morning. 

I grabbed a protein shake for breakfast and went into my office to read a few emails. As I sat at my computer, I kept feeling like I was supposed to go to art therapy today...TODAY. I had wanted to go for some time but had never had enough courage to drive into town and participate in a class with complete strangers. I didn't think I was ready...not yet...but I kept hearing, "be strong and courageous." The words seemed to keep time with the rhythm of my heart, getting stronger and faster minute by minute. "Okay! I get it," I said out loud as I walked into my bedroom and threw off my robe.

It took several minutes to wiggle into my compression sleeves but after I got them up and into place, I quickly dressed. I didn't know if the ladies in the group would dress casually or semi-casually, so I opted for a pair of black pants, a black tank, and a black button down shirt. I slipped into my shoes and went into the bathroom to put on my makeup. Skillfully I applied a light coat of foundation, a dusting of powder, some blush, a little eye makeup, and my lipstick. I stepped back and looked at myself. I didn't look artistic at all. Oh bother! Why am I even getting ready to go? I could just stay home and work around the house...then I heard those words again, "be strong and courageous."

I gathered my purse, keys, and phone and headed out the door. It was 9:30 a.m. I opened the garage door and slid into my car. As I cranked it up, I turned on the radio. A pastor was talking about courage...coincidental? I think not. Driving out of my driveway, I wondered what on earth I was doing. Mindlessly, I drove to the hospital, parked my car, and got out. All of a sudden I was overcome with panic. "Be strong and courageous," an almost audible voice whispered in my mind.

The up button on the elevator lit up a brilliant blue. As the doors slid open, two smiling women glanced my way. I returned the smile and stepped onto the elevator, as I reached inside the door to press number 3. The elevator was empty by the time I arrived at the third floor. I stepped off gingerly and took a deep breath. As I turned to go down the long hallway to the wellness center, I could feel my heart beating inside my chest...LUB, DUB, LUB, DUB, LUB, DUB..............
BE...STRONG...AND...COURAGEOUS...

The door to the wellness center was heavier than I thought. As I struggled against its weight, I finally managed to open it, inside were two women. The older of the two women looked at me. I told her my name and said I was there for the art therapy class. She explained that the class normally started at 10:00 a.m. but today, it wouldn't start until 10:30 a.m. I drew in a breath and told her I'd left my phone in my car and that I was going to go down and get it. Quickly, I left the room and hurried down the hallway back to the elevator.

When I reached my car, I wanted to just get in and leave but that would be the coward's way out...I had to do this. I'd been couped up in my house since surgery. It was time to do something! It was time to make some new friends! "Be strong and courageous...."

When I got back up to the wellness center, several other women had arrived. The art teacher introduced me to them and had us all sit down. "Today, we're going to learn about Paul Cezanne, the famous French artist." I looked around the room and saw women of various ages intently watching the PowerPoint presentation. I was the only one without both breasts.

After the presentation was over, the art therapist handed us each a sheet of watercolor paper. She pointed to the picture of Cezanne's "Three Pears" on the computer screen and said, "this is what we're going to paint today." The picture looked very simple...three pears lying on a dish in very muted shades of pale green. The women in the class exclaimed how easy it looked but the art therapist begged to differ.

Bonnie Annis' Three Pears

Each student sat with art supplies in front of her. I was thankful to be in the center of the room where I could see the instructor easily. I watched as she explained the techniques warning us to let the paint flow in the direction it wanted to go...to "just let the paint do it's thing." Since I'd never painted with watercolors before, I wanted to make sure I listened well to the instructor. I had been interested in learning watercolor painting but had never had the chance. Wasn't that just like God...to give me one of my heart's desires for being obedient to His command to be brave and courageous? I smiled to myself and wondered if He was smiling too.

We worked for about an hour and a half on our paintings. The instructor said we'd done well. She asked us to put away our supplies and join her for an impromptu luncheon. She'd baked several quiches and some french bread. She'd brought some brie and crackers along with various types of olives. To complete the meal, she'd included a lovely bottle of Pinot Grigio and some French chocolates.

Sitting around the tables, we enjoyed our meal and some small talk. I was able to visit with several of the women and learn a little about each of them. As I stood to say my goodbyes, one of the women asked if I would be coming back next week...she said there was a writing class immediately after the art therapy session and she hoped I'd come.

Most people don't know that I am very shy. I have always tried to hide it. It was hard for me to step out of my comfort zone and go to the cancer wellness center today but I'm thankful I did. It felt good to be able to meet some new people. It felt good to be around women who understood what it felt like to have breast cancer. It felt good to be able to talk freely about surgeries, treatments, and medications but also just to know it was a safe place to open up about my feelings.

I'm thankful I listened to those words, "be strong and courageous," this morning as I got up out of bed. I do believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to step out in faith. Even though the art therapy class didn't require anything other than my willingness to go and participate, I know God had my best interests at heart. He knew I really wanted to go but was afraid of going. He knew I wanted to make new friends and He knew I would enjoy it once I got there an learned to open up a little. He knew it was where I needed to be. I am so glad He cares about me enough to speak to my heart. How often do we let fear rule our lives? If I hadn't been willing to be obedient, I would never have received the blessing God had in store for me today...I would have missed it.

There's a quotation I read once that says, "Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free." ~ Jim Morrison. Satan uses fear to hold us captive but in the Bible, it says, "for God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7. Why was I so afraid of going today? I think it was just a fear of the unknown and feeling insecure. Satan tried to keep me from going because he knew God wanted me to learn courage. Is there something you fear? Is there something God's been prompting you do to? Have you heard those little whisperings to be brave and courageous? It's okay to feel unsure of yourself in new situations or circumstances but don't let fear hold you captive. God wants us to live and walk in freedom.

One last quote I want to share with you. It's from the book, Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne and in the story, Winnie the Pooh, the wonderful, loveable, teddy bear is talking with his best friend, Piglet, a cute little pink pig...this is what he says - “... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” I hope you'll hold onto that thought. I know I sure will!


©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Forgetting what lies behind

What I want you to know:
I was there to see a new doctor...to become established as a new patient. The office was crowded but the staff was friendly...it will be okay, I thought. Within just a few minutes, the nurse called my name. I rose from my seat and walked toward the door. I winked at my husband, who was filling out paperwork, "see you in a few minutes," I said.

The nurse took me back through a maze of hallways and after getting my weight, took me into an exam room where she asked general health questions. When it came time for her to take my blood pressure, I knew I would have to tell her about the cancer. I had hoped I wouldn't have to divulge that information so quickly, but it was necessary. She pulled the cuff from the wall and came closer. As she was about to wrap the cuff around my arm, I said, "you'll have to do it on my ankle." She looked at me through puzzled eyes and that's when I remarked, "I have breast cancer." I showed her my Lymphedema sleeves and she shook her head. "My mother had breast cancer and she had sleeves too." I felt a little more at ease. She said, "I'll let the doctor decide what to do about the blood pressure." She smiled and stepped out of the room. I waited.

In a couple of minutes my new physician was entering the room. He reached out his hand to make my acquaintance. He seemed very professional and friendly. I commented on the artwork he had on the exam room walls. They were covered in framed, handmade drawings and paintings created by a child. Evidently they were done by either his child or a grandchild. He smiled and thanked me telling me that the pictures were made by his "now grown" daughter. I told him I had 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren with one on the way. He smiled.

We proceeded through a crash course of my medical history and he asked the reason for my visit. I explained that we were new to the area and were just there to get established. He asked what my main concern was and I told him I didn't really have one other than the breast cancer. I was already being treated for that. He asked me to lie back on the exam table and proceeded to take my blood pressure on my ankle. I was very still as he listened to my heart and lungs. He ordered some routine blood tests and asked if I needed any of my medications filled while I was there. I gave him the necessary information and thanked him as I headed for the lab.

Sitting in the chair, waiting to have my blood drawn, I could feel my heart beating faster. I was nervous. When the lab tech came over, needle in hand, she glanced down at my arms. I don't think she realized I was wearing compression sleeves. She must have thought I was wearing a long sleeve shirt underneath my blouse. As she readied herself to draw my blood, and saw I wasn't making any effort to raise my sleeves, I could see a questioned look on her face. "I have breast cancer," I heard myself saying once again. I explained to her that my blood could only be drawn on my left hand and only using a butterfly needle. She looked and saw that the veins on that hand were very tiny. She began vigorously slapping the top of my hand in hopes of making the veins become more prominent. After a few minutes, I felt a stick. She had inserted the butterfly needle at the precise location she had chosen but had missed the mark. She called to her coworker and asked for help. The other lab tech came over and with just a few quick adjustments was able to get the blood to flow easily. "Oh, you have the magic touch," I said. The older woman exclaimed, "honey, I've been doing this for fourteen years." I asked her if she had prayed over that needle before sticking me. She smiled and said, "yes, I did. I always do!" We smiled at each other and I was thankful she was a sister in Christ.

I left the office that day with a bandage on my hand. As my husband and I were driving home from our appointments, I began thinking. Why did I tell the nurse, the doctor, and the lab techs that I have breast cancer? Why didn't I say I had cancer? That was food for thought.

This morning, while having my devotional, I came across two verses in the Bible that helped me find the answer to my questions.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19 New International Version

"Brothers and sisters I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14 New International Version

The reason I said, "I have breast cancer," is because I had been looking backward instead of looking forward. Yes, I had breast cancer, but I no longer have it. I've had surgery. I've had radiation, and in just a few days, I'll start on medication. I needed to shift my thinking.

I needed to look forward with my eyes fixed on the goal before me...to live. I needed to look forward with gratitude and excitement. The only reason I ever have to look back is to remember how far I've come. I never want to look back with regret. I never want to look back and wish things were different. To keep growing and changing, I have to keep moving. I have to move forward and not backward.

Over and over again, I hear people say to me, "God will never give you more than you can handle." That statement is not in the Bible and is definitely not true. God often gives us more than we can handle and the reason He does is to show us that even when we are weak, He is strong. He is sufficient. Even in the depths of suffering, He is good.

As I look forward, I know that God is already there. He's waiting for me with outstretched hand. He is ready and willing to walk my path with me. When I look back, I see how far He's already taken me. We've traveled up steep and rocky trails together. Some of those trails I knew I couldn't climb...but we did it...we made it together! There may be rocky paths ahead still, but I'm willing to go wherever He leads me...one step at a time. I will keep moving forward. 

What I'm thinking:
Sometimes, I think it's okay to look back, just for a glance, just to remember. I always want to remember His faithfulness. my journey with breast cancer isn't over yet but my thinking has changed. I won't be so quick to exclaim, "I have breast cancer." I think the reason I've done that in the past was because of my fear of the  unknown. Surgery and radiation should have removed all traces of the cancer, but that little feeling of insecurity has said, "but, what  it...." It's time to put those thoughts to rest. I may have had breast cancer, but it isn't going to have me. I'm moving forward and not only am I looking at what lies ahead of me, I'm looking up, too. God is doing a new thing! He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The old is gone and the new has come.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved