Fighting with myself

What a struggle decision making can be at times, especially when those decisions can impact your life in ways that may not always be positive. I have a big decision to make and I don't know what to do. I've been struggling with this decision for several weeks now. Weighing the pros and cons hasn't made it any easier. Talking with my husband hasn't brought me any peace either. I've taken it to God and haven't received a clear answer....it's been really challenging. So what's the big decision? Well, here goes.

When you have breast cancer, no one gives you a set plan on how things are going to proceed. Sure, the doctors tell you what they want to do and supposedly they gather together with all the physicians on your "team" and meet to discuss you case. This meeting is called a "tumor board." It allows the doctors to share their opinions and suggest the best course of treatment for their patient. (I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when my doctors were meeting about me. I wonder what they said. But, regrettably, I wasn't invited to attend.) When the decision was made for my healthcare, I was told what they had decided. Of course, I had the right to refuse their treatment plan, but who was I? I didn't have the medical expertise to balk at their suggestions so I accepted them and followed them, to a degree.

Before deciding what I'd do, I did a lot of research. I read many books. I searched for hours on the web. I wanted to make an informed decision and when I met with my oncologist to discuss the treatment plan, I was able to present my reasons based on case histories and test results. I think Dr. Feinstein was impressed.

The original plan in my case was to be surgery, chemotherapy and radiation followed by anti-hormone therapy for five years. I'd read so many horror stories about chemo so I made a  point to talk with my doctor about it. When I asked him point blank to tell me, if I were his wife or daughter, if he would recommend chemotherapy for me, he was frank. He told me no. I was surprised by his answer but I was glad he was truthful. It made me respect him even more. So, I didn't do chemo. I did, however, do radiation treatments. Don't ask me why because I really don't know. I knew chemo was really bad for me because it was putting poison into my system. I knew it would make me extremely ill, cause my hair to fall out and cause me to become extremely nauseated and fatigued. I knew I would get much worse before I got any better. With the radiation, I figured it wouldn't be too bad because I'd already had a good bit of radiation from past x-rays and other tests. I knew you couldn't really feel it, so I did it. Boy was I wrong. About halfway through my treatments, my skin was burned severely and I became so fatigued I could barely move. (But, I made it through 28 rounds! In fact, I was supposed to have had 33 rounds with 5 booster rounds at the end and the radiation oncologist told me I'd done so well she was able to reduce my treatment plan. I was so glad to hear that.) Now those treatments are over and the next phase of my treatment should have already begun. In fact, it should have begun last August.

The third phase of my treatment was to be anti-hormone therapy. Since I was post menopausal, the oncologist wanted to put me on an aromatase inhibitor or AI, as they call them, so he started me on Arimidex. Arimidex was fairly new and there wasn't a lot of data on it. I tried to read and find as much as I could on it. I read about the side effects and prayed I wouldn't have any of them as I started the medication. Unfortunately, I had all of them! I knew after a few weeks, I wouldn't be able to stay on this medication. I called the doctor and told him. He explained the type cancer I had (invasive ductal carcinoma stage 2B with metastasis to the lymph nodes) was fed by both Estrogen and Progesterone. He told me if we didn't block those hormones, the chances of the cancer coming back were very real. He suggested I try Tamoxifen, the old tried and true breast cancer medication. So, being the good girl that I am, I tried it. It did the same thing Arimidex did plus some.

After having been on 2 different anti-hormone therapies and having bad results, I decided to go the natural route. I made huge changes to my diet. I began taking all sorts of supplements. I was determined I was going to live and I talked to God about it. I felt like I was doing the right thing, until this past doctor's visit with a new oncologist.

The new doctor wanted me to be on anti-hormone therapy and was insistent about my taking a drug and taking it now. He wanted me to be on Aromasin, also called Exemestane. He made me feel like it was urgent and that's where my struggle comes in. I just don't know what to do. While I want to do what's best for my body, I also want to live.

I looked at my face in the mirror today and I saw tiny little peach fuzz hairs all along the outer edges of my face. This is an indicator that my body is continuing to produce Estrogen...not a good sign where cancer is concerned, especially cancers that are fed by Estrogen. And I thought maybe I should be taking the medication to block it. But then again, I thought God made my body produce Estrogen for a reason...to give me healthy skin, hair, bones, nails, etc. If I took some medication that blocked that hormone, wouldn't that be detrimental to my body? Of course, it would! That's why my hair would start falling out and my bones would start thinning and I'd be at a greater risk of fractures and moods would change and I'd be so tired and fatigued all the time. So what's a girl to do????

I've been fighting with myself all day trying to justify doing what the doctor said. I talked to my husband about it and he wants me to try the medication for one month and see how I do on it. I'm afraid.

Sometimes I just wish God would speak in a loud, clear, audible voice and tell me what to do. I wish I could hear Him say, "YES, BONNIE, TAKE THE MEDICINE OR NO, BONNIE, JUST TRUST ME." I have a big faith and I know God's in control but sometimes, I think he uses doctors to accomplish His plan too. Maybe I'm totally wrong on this. Maybe I'm not making the right decision, but I guess I'll do what my husband and the doctor want me to do...I'll try the medication for one month. If I experience any bad side effects, I can stop the medication immediately. And maybe, just maybe, I won't have any at all and that would be wonderful!

There are days when I wish I could just turn back the hands of time. I wish I could go back to my pre-cancer days. I wish I had found a doctor who would have been a little less aggressive in being so eager to perform surgery and follow the standard breast cancer treatment plan. It's so hard to know the right thing to do. All you can do is trust your heart and do what you feel is best for you. Sometimes you make a great decision and other times, maybe not, but really and truly, it's your body and you're the only one who can decide what's best for you and your situation.

I'm still not really sure what I'm supposed to do, but I'm going to do it anyway and hope for the best. I'm not taking the attitude that I'll just make a decision and expect God to bless it...I'd never be so bold or presumptuous. But even if I take the medication, I can choose to trust God while taking it. I can ask Him to protect me from severe side effects and I believe He will. On the other hand, if I don't take it, I trust God enough to know He is fully capable of completely healing me if He chooses to do so. He's also capable of keeping the cancer from ever recurring.

Maybe my sister's voice keeps echoing in my head. When I told her, after my last medical report that I was cancer free, she said, "you've dodge a bullet this time." Maybe I keep thinking she was right and maybe I should have stayed on medication the entire time instead of taking almost an entire year off with nothing.

Tomorrow is the first day of the new year. I'll be entering my second year of life after being diagnosed with breast cancer. I want to be around for as long as God will allow. Medicine or no medicine...that is the $50,000 question...

That bottle of Aromasin is sitting in my cabinet. I see it every day when I open the doors. I keep feeling like I'm supposed to take it. Would God prompt me to take the medicine? Maybe. I just don't know...but tomorrow, after we've rung in the new year, I'll take the first pill out of the bottle. I'll get a glass of water and chase it down while saying a prayer asking God for His protection. Some folks might think I'm making a big deal out of nothing but really, I'm not.

Every decision I make in my life, I bathe in prayer. I have to because my faith is my anchor. I don't always have a clear answer and those are the times I think God really wants me to step out in faith, so I do. This is one of those times. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, happy New Year's eve.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

When the storm strikes

I'd just been out of bed not more than ten minutes when my cell phone sounded an alert. It was the most irritating sound and one I'm sure they'd chosen because of that fact. It was something that definitely could not be ignored, so I reached over to shut it off. Before pressing the cancel button, I noticed a symbol on my phone that I hadn't seen before. This symbol was a red, upside down triangle and inside the triangle was an exclamation point. Now my curiosity was peaked. I had to click on the symbol to find out what it meant. 

The alert I'd received was a severe weather alarm. It said, "Heavy Rain Event." I'd watched the news last night and knew it was supposed to rain, but for an alert to be sent out, the National Weather Service must have felt we were under some amount of danger. 

Within just a few minutes of receiving the alert, the rain began to start. I heard it pelting the windows in the dining room as I enjoyed my breakfast. It began to rain harder and the wind began to blow forcing the rain to come in heavy, straight lines. I thought about all the trees around our house. We have so many large trees and most of them are pines. I offered up a silent prayer asking God to keep our home safe. Pine trees are notorious for having shallow root systems and if the ground was saturated, chances are one or more of them would fall. 

And then it hit me. A quote, I'd read many years ago, popped into my mind. “At the timberline where the storms strike with the most fury, the sturdiest trees are found.” This beautiful quotation came from a renowned Christian author, James Hudson Taylor. (Mr. Taylor had been a missionary to China during the late 1800's.) What a deep and profound quotation. I let it ruminate in my mind for a few minutes and couldn't help connecting it to my journey.

One thing I've wanted, since the inception of my breast cancer blog, is for my readers to really understand how important my faith is in my survivorship. Without a deep faith in God, I would not have been able to weather this storm...this breast cancer trial in my life. Mr. Taylor's quote offers the perfect symbolism to my journey through the rigors of breast cancer. In order to stand firm in the storm, it's imperative to have sturdy, strong, deeply seated roots of faith. It takes a long time to develop that root system and the only way it can be developed is through experience. Previous trials and testing provide the experience and help develop tried and true faith. By experiencing God's faithfulness during times of difficulty, it becomes easier to trust when the next trial comes. The roots grow down deeper. The tree becomes sturdier. It isn't always easy to stand firm in the storm. Sometimes we bend and stretch...almost to the point of breaking but if the roots are strong...if the tree is planted on a solid foundation, it will stand firm in the storm.

The rain continues to fall and the wind is picking up again. As I watch, I see the trees along our property line and then are standing firm, like tall soldiers all in a row. The frontline...the ones who take the brunt of the storm...I want to always be planted firmly and ready to weather any storm that comes, just like those trees. How about you? Can you stand firm in the storm or do you fear you might break into pieces? If your root system is deep and your foundation is secure, you never have to fear when storm clouds appear. "At the timberline where the storms strike with the most fury, the sturdiest trees are found." I think Mr. Taylor was a very wise and godly man. Stand fast and trust. God allows the storms for a reason.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Abiding

Serenberry Vineyards

This time last year I was doing an intense amount of reading, studying, and journaling. It was a very difficult time for me as I was understanding how to deal with the diagnosis of breast cancer. And just like always, when I'm lost and feel out of control...I always turn to the Bible for direction. God is my constant. His Word is my compass for navigating life. When I need answers, I can always find them there. 

Inevitably, as I was reading, I was drawn back to one of my favorite passages of all times found in the book of John, chapter 15.  I've read this chapter over and over again and it always speaks to my heart. In fact, John 15:5 is my life verse. ("If you abide in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit, for without Me, you can do nothing.") This time, while reading, one word kept jumping off the page at me. The word was ABIDE. I felt strongly that I needed to do some research on the word and its history, so I did. 

There were two definitions I came across:

1. accept or act in accordance with (a rule, decision, or recommendation)

synonyms: comply with, obey, observe, follow, keep to, hold to, conform to,adhere to, stick to, stand by, act in accordance with, uphold, heed, accept, go along with, acknowledge, respect, defer to 

2. (of a feeling or a memory) continue without fading or being lost.
synonyms: continue, remain, survive, last, persist, stay, live on

Grapes on the vine

Abide. God was teaching me that it was to be my word for the year. The more I mulled over the definitions for the word abide, the more I felt God wanted to wrap me up in it! And He didn't just want me to be wrapped up in it, He wanted me to feel the coziness of it too...just like being wrapped up in a warm, fuzzy blanket sitting in my recliner sipping hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire in the fireplace kind of cozy. He wanted me to understand it deeply. He wanted me to learn to abide in Christ. To abide in His love, His sacrifice, His plan, His purpose, His perfection, His life.

A vineyard is the perfect place to learn and understand about abiding. When I was in the mountains of North Georgia last fall, I took these photos of a little vineyard there, Serenberry Vineyards. It was a great weekend trip and the weather was perfect. We got to meet the owners of the vineyard and ask them questions about how their wine was made. As we listened, we understood how much they loved their grapes and how they devoted such tender care to them. They explained it took a lot of hard work to prune and trim the vines, but it also took a lot of dedication to make sure the vines were strong and healthy enough to produce good fruit. The vine held all the sustenance. The grapes, the fruit, were only byproducts of what the vine had freely given. 

The word Abide has become a balm to my soul. It is so deep and rich with meaning. It's a beautiful five letter word that sends my mind directly where it should, toward my Father, the One in Whom I abide. It has become a pathway I trail over and over again. I want it to become a daily habit, an involuntary action of life's journey. My heart's desire is to Abide in Him every day, in everything. 

Ripe lucious fruit

Learning to abide may be just one of the most freeing, most exciting, very best lessons God has ever taught me. When I abide, I don't have to DO anything. I just rest in His love and trust in His person. I am IN Him and He is IN me. We are one....that is abiding. And believe me, it feels so good to be wrapped up in that kind of cozy!

Detours, Dead Ends, and Dry Holes

In the wee hours of the morning, I find the house completely quiet. In the darkness, I fumble for my cell phone. I keep it in the drawer of my bedside table. I slip it underneath the covers while I turn it on, I know the illumination from the phone would blind my eyes at this hour. As I wait for the phone to power up, I whisper a silent prayer..."God, what do you want to speak to my heart today?"

My phone is ready, so I move the sliders to decrease the brightness and sound. On my home screen, I have the Daily Bible App. I click on it and click on the Devotions tab, then I scroll through the various devotions until I find "Love Worth Finding" by Adrian Rogers. Although he passed away in 2005, this wonderful Southern Baptist pastor has always been one of my favorites.

I search through a list of his devotions and stop on the one I feel God leading me to choose. The devotion is titled "Detours, Dead Ends, and Dry Holes." The focal passages for this devotion are found in Exodus 13, 14, and 15. Pulling the comforter up just a little, I snuggle in to listen.

The past few days have been difficult. I can't help but think of them as the sermon plays on. Though I try to listen intently, I find my mind wandering to the results of my MRI. I wasn't expecting anything to be found and yet, it was. Dr. Rogers is talking about Moses leading the Israelites through the Wilderness. In my mind, I get a visual of them wandering. God didn't take them on the short route. He took them the looooong way around. They wandered for 40 years! I listen as he tells about God providing the pillar of cloud to guide them by day and the pillar of fire to guide them by night, a very familiar passage to me. A tiny thought pops into my mind...my life seems to parallel this sermon. I've felt like I've been wandering lately, wondering what God's up to in my life.

As the sermon continues, Dr. Rogers points out that God's purpose for taking the Israelites on this huge detour is to allow them to go through a kind of holy boot camp. God uses the long period of time they spend not knowing where they are going to teach them to trust. In my spirit, I get a check...yes, God. I heard that.

Breast cancer doesn't really compare to the type of trials the Israelites faced, but for me, it's been a huge test of faith. Last year, I was deep into the wandering stage as I went from one doctor to the next, test after test, surgery, and then recovery. I thought I was coming down the home stretch. The past couple of months have been a little easier and then, BAM! The unexpected happens...another suspicious mass spotted on my spine...

I realized the more I listen to Dr. Rogers speak that God hand selected this message for me. Now I am visualizing the Israelites with the Egyptians hot on their heels as they come closer and closer to the Red Sea. I can just imagine their fear, they see the angry soldiers behind them and the raging sea ahead of them...it seems to be a dead end, but is it? When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, immediately I thought I'd been given a death sentence...a dead end...the point of no return. I was sure I was going to die. I'm sure the Israelites felt the same way - the spears behind them and the sea ahead...a painful death either way! But wait! What did God say? He told the Israelites to:
1. Fear not
2. Be Still
3. Know that I am God
4. See the salvation of the Lord
Okay...so, even though it seemed like a hopeless dead end, God let them know He was still in charge. He wasn't freaked out...everything was going according to His plan. Bonnie, did you hear that? Yes, Lord...I heard. Even though my MRI looks scary and sounds even scarier, I still believe You want me to trust You and not be afraid. You want me to remember that YOU ARE GOD and YOU have a plan.

So why did God put the Israelites through the wanderings? Why did he let them experience fear? He needed to humble them and test them...He needed to prove what was in their hearts. He wanted them to understand who He was and how little their faith was. Again, God pricked my heart...I'm allowing you to go through these medical issues to test your faith too, Bonnie, I felt Him quietly speak to my spirit.

Well, the clock on my dresser showed an hour had passed. I knew the sermon would be ending soon. Adrian was winding it up when he finished the story...the Israelites crossed the Red Sea by God's providential hand and then they came to the land of Mara and found a dry hole...no water to drink because the water was bitter. They began to murmur among themselves and complain to Moses. Moses in turn began to pray and seek God. And do you know what, even while Moses was praying, God's provision was there...God showed Moses a tree that, when cast into the water, would make the water sweet and drinkable. Another prick...even though the MRI shows something suspicious, don't give up hope! I've already made provision, I heard God whisper.

When the sermon stopped, I turned off my cell phone. Lying in bed, I began to drink in all that I'd heard. It was as if I'd tasted my first handful of sweet water. I could feel it, cool upon my tongue. Why had they doubted? The Israelites had just been set free from the Egyptians. God had brought them out of bondage and was leading them to a beautiful oasis but they couldn't see it because it was just over the hill....

Whether the PET scan shows cancer or not, I know God has a purpose and a plan for me. Either way, I'm going to remember not to be afraid. I'm going to hear God tell me to be still and know that He is God and as I put all of my faith in Him, I know He's going to do something amazing!

Yep. Breast cancer was definitely a big detour in my life. It's taken me down roads I never wanted to travel. I've come to some big obstructions that seemed like insurmountable dead ends, but God has been faithful. He's never left me beside a dry place. He's been right by my side guiding me.

Thank you, Lord, that a sermon recorded years ago was fresh and new and just what I needed to hear today. I still don't know where You're taking me or how You're going to take me there, but that's okay. I trust You enough for the next step.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Is God still good?

Jason and his wife, Kara

Yesterday afternoon I lost another friend. Her battle with breast cancer had been going on for the past two years. We never met in person but connected through Facebook and emails. As our friendship flourished, I felt I'd gained another sister.

Kara Tippetts was an amazing woman of God. She was born in 1976, the same year I gave birth to my oldest child. She grew up in Indiana, and earned her BS in English Education at Indiana University. She met her husband Jason at a Christian camp located in Colorado Springs, Colorado. They were married on May 16, 1998.

Kara met Jesus while in high school. Her youth leader read her a tract about Christianity and a friend invited her to youth group. Hearing a message about forgiveness prompted her to seek a relationship with Jesus, where she found total acceptance, kindness, and grace. While she didn’t experience instant change in her life, dramatic changes were slowly occurring in her heart. Kindness became Kara’s passion; it defined her relationship with Jason, and her four children: Eleanor, Harper, Lake, and Story Jane.

Answering a call to plant Westside Church in 2012, the Tippetts moved to Colorado where they soon after had to evacuate their home due to the Waldo Canyon Fire. It was this same summer that Kara received her breast cancer diagnosis. Despite beginning aggressive treatment for the cancer, Kara put her whole heart into growing and developing the new community that would become Westside, reaching out to others and teaching by example how to love and care for people well and sacrificially.

As the cancer spread, Kara courageously embraced her situation, trusting in a Sovereign God. She believed that cancer was not the point, but Jesus was; how she responded and trusted Christ in the midst of this hard was where she would find grace.

In the fall of 2014, David C. Cook published her story, "The Hardest Peace." The response to Kara’s book has been overwhelming. Kara fought harder than ever to live well and love others well and with intentionality. She refused to be defined by cancer and considered every moment a gift and an opportunity to learn more about grace and trusting God; she believed suffering was not an absence of beauty, but an opportunity to understand God’s love on a deeper level. 

Kara fought valiantly for almost 2 1/2 years. During her struggle with cancer, she asked herself a question, "in the midst of life's hard, is God still good?" That question made me begin to think about my own life and how I would answer. 

In the middle of trials, we pray for the courage to get through. We pray that our faith will not fail. We pray asking God to help our unbelief, we pray for a miracle...yet often, God seems quiet. Tears stream down our faces and we wonder if He hears us at all. 

Nancy Guthrie, in her book "Holding on to Hope," says "Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness - this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken." 

God's grace meets us every day. Some days we see it and other days we barely notice it. Walking through the valley of breast cancer, the moments we cling to grace seem to multiply. When we realize we are absolutely powerless to control, change, or fix our current condition we find ourselves clinging to the cross. 

Kara lived her life well. She loved others well. She walked with Jesus daily even in the midst of life's hard. Yesterday, she finished well. As she entered the glorious gates of heaven, I imagine she walked straight into her Savior's arms and as He lovingly embraced her, heard the words, "well done though good and faithful servant."

Yes, God is good all the time. He is good in the hard things and in the easy things. Nothing is too difficult for Him. No, we may never understand the reasons He allows us to suffer but if we can just learn to trust Him in the good times and the bad times, we'll be able to embrace the grace He bestows upon us. His perfect peace meets us when we need it most. 

Can I dare say that God is good in the midst of my battle with cancer as Kara did? Yes! I have learned to accept both the good things and the not so good things from His hand. I have learned that nothing slips through His fingers into my life without His permission. Coming to grips with this fact has given me the most profound sense of peace I've ever experienced in my life and allows me to emphatically state that yes, God is still good. 

It was a very emotional day for me yesterday. This was the second friend I'd lost to breast cancer over the last 6 months. They both were so young. They both had small children. It seemed so unfair. But I had to remind myself that God is a just God. I don't understand His ways nor am I supposed to because He is God and I am not. I am thankful I had the opportunity to interact with them and get to know them well. They both impacted my life deeply. 

Perhaps my tears were not only for my friend, but also for myself. Perhaps they were for the countless women who will travel this road in the future. Perhaps they were the result of dread and fear that I will meet the same fate, I'm only human, you know? 

I love this quotation from the book, "Hind's Feet on High Places," by Hannah Hurnard - "Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the place which you dread, you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 

I have no idea what the future holds for me. As hard as it may be, I will fight to walk in faith. I don't want to live in fear and dread....I don't want to listen to those "what ifs" that Satan continually whispers to my mind. May I hold tightly to God's hand and walk in confidence and hope as I trust Him to lead me daily step by step. Yes, life is often hard, but God is still good, all the time. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

6 month folllow up with the Radiation Oncologist

Dr. "S" and me

Today was my six month check up visit to the radiation oncologist. Actually, it was a little over 6 months because I'd been out of state and had to reschedule my appointment. When I walked into the radiation oncology clinic, I was surprised when the receptionist handed me a clipboard with a lot of papers on it. I wondered if she thought I was a new patient and must have given her a puzzled look because she said, "don't worry, just first of the year formalities." I took the stack of papers, clipboard, and pen and sat down to busy myself with filling them out. I wondered why they didn't already have all of this information stored in their computers and I'll admit, I was a little frustrated. As I filled out the papers, I saw a little boy out of the corner of my eye. He was zooming a rubber farm truck around the office floor. I saw his grandmother looking to see if he was bothering me and I just smiled. I asked the little boy how old he was by saying, "are you 2?" His grandmother beamed and said yes. I told her I had 8 grandchildren and was able to guess the age of little ones pretty accurately.

As I sat and continued filling out my papers, people were being called back for treatment. There was an older man who struggled to walk through the door, there were two women both with apparent breast cancer. My heart ached for them as they were all 3 just beginning their treatments. I was glad I didn't have to go through radiation any longer.

After about thirty minutes of waiting, the nurse called me back to get my vital statistics. She asked a zillion questions and entered information into the computer. When she was through, she handed me a gown and told me to get undressed from the waist up. I knew the drill. I sat on the crinkly white paper atop the examination table for a few minutes and then jumped up to check out the room. I hate just sitting on the table swinging my legs like a little girl. I looked over the otoscope and blood pressure monitor. I looked to see what size nitrile gloves she wears and even took a peek at the computer screen which the nurse failed to hide beneath an active screensaver. I love reading medical data especially when it's about me! I was listed under the ICD-9 code as a 174.1 which codes as malignant neoplasm of the central portion of the breast.

I heard the doc outside the room so I jumped back up on the table. As she entered, she greeted me with a big smile. I told her I'd missed seeing her but I hadn't missed the radiation treatments. She grinned. "I can understand that," she said. She started asking questions about my general health and how I was feeling. She asked if I'd noticed any new lumps, bumps, or worrisome places. Had I been having weird headaches? Did I have stomach pain? Spinal pain? Belly pain? Bladder? I answered no to all of her questions and then she went down my medication list. Are you still taking....? What about ....? Yes, yes, yes everything was a yes until she got to Arimidex. I told her to cross that one off the list. She looked up and asked why. I explained about the horrible side effects.

Dr. "S" pulled up some documents on the computer screen and they were obviously letters from Dr. Feinstein, my oncologist. "I see here that you did indeed have some odd side effects from Arimidex and also from the Tamoxifen." I talked to her about the effects of the medications and how they made me feel. I don't know why I was so surprised when she jerked forward in her chair at my statement that I'd decided not to take any more cancer medications. "I really think you need to reconsider your decision," she said. "Since your cancer traveled to your lymph system and it's fed by Estrogen and Progesterone, it's very important that you take that medication to keep the cancer at bay." My reply stunned her. I said, "Dr. S., I know you have to speak to me from a medical standpoint but I am trusting that my God is taking care of all that. I've prayed about it and talked with my husband about it and my decision is final. I've decided to change my diet drastically and do all I can to live a good and healthy life." She came back with, "when do you see Dr. F?" I told her I'd see him the end of March. "Well, when you do, please talk to him about this and listen to what he has to say." "Okay doc," I said, "I'll listen but I don't think he'll change my mind."

She had me lie back on the examination table and began poking and prodding me. She slowly and deliberately moved over each of my incisions stopping occasionally when she felt something questionable. She felt under my armpits and mushed around on my belly asking if "that hurt." I wanted to say, "well of course it does! You're pressing really hard," but I didn't. Next she had me sit up and she listened to my lungs, looked in my ears and throat, felt all the lymph glands in the back and sides of my neck and then felt along my arms. She asked about the swelling and asked what seemed to exacerbate it. I answered her questions then she returned to the computer and began typing.

While she typed away, I asked her a question. "Doc, when will I ever be declared N.E.D.?" (that means no evidence of disease in case you don't know) She looked up from the screen and said, "You've been in remission since your cancer was removed but we can't say definitely N.E.D just yet." (According to the American Cancer Society, remission means the cancer is responding well to treatment and not spreading.) I asked her why I hadn't had a P.E.T. scan yet (that stands for positron emission tomography.) She said there had been many recent studies showing that after breast cancer, it was not wise to administer a P.E.T. scan unless absolutely necessary because of the amount of radiation emitted. People who'd undergone radiation therapy were at greater risk and that's why I wasn't going to receive one now. A P.E.T.scan is an imaging test that helps reveal how your tissues and organs are functioning. A PET scan uses a radioactive drug (tracer) to show this activity and it illuminates any cancer cells that remain in the body. "So, without a P.E.T. scan, we can't really know whether I'm free of cancer or not, correct?" The doctor answered, "correct. But, if there ever are any new lumps, bumps or places of concern, you can be sure that I will be the first one to order a P.E.T. scan for you." I was pretty satisfied with that answer although I know in my heart that I'm already cancer free because of my faith in God.

As I was slipping out of my gown and putting back on my clothes, I could hear Dr. "S" outside my door talking with the nurse...."she's decided not to take any medication....don't understand...Arimidex...just don't get it...." Those were the only words I could make out but there were many others in between. I can only guess what they were but I'm sure they didn't understand the choice I'd made.

I should have known Dr. "S" would give me grief over my decision. Medical doctors have a hard time accepting faith and miracles unless they are believers themselves. I wish I knew where Dr. "S" stood in her belief system. I may just ask her next time I'm there. I do know many family and friends just can't understand my decision not to take the meds but I know my body best. I have to do what I feel God leading me to do no matter if people look at me like I'm crazy or don't agree with me.

I used to work for doctors and in fact, I wanted to go into the medical field when I was in high school. I loved and still love medicine. It's fascinating to me. But doctors and medication don't have anything on the Great Physician. He's the one who made me and He's the one I trust. At my next visit, which will be in 3 months, I'm hoping Dr. "S" will continue to be baffled and give me an opportunity to talk with her once again about God. Who knows, maybe I'll get to witness to every single one of my medical team before it's over and maybe they'll come to realize what I already know, that God's ways are not man's ways. Proverbs 3:4-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean NOT unto thine own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

I'm trusting in Him with all my heart. I don't understand anything about this cancer journey except He allowed me to go through it. I am choosing to follow His leading and do what He says. The ones who have trouble understanding can just continue to be bewildered. This is between me and God.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Another one gets ready to go home...

In an earlier post, I mentioned a very courageous woman I've met over the internet. Her name is Kara Tippetts and she is a wonderful woman of faith who is in the very last stage of her battle with breast cancer. Every day I check her blog to find out the latest news. Can you believe she's been posting throughout her entire journey? Even when she's been extremely weak and barely able to type, she does it because she wants her followers to be informed. She wants them to stay current on her struggles and she wants them, most of all, to understand her faith.

Kara, when she was first diagnosed, wrote a book about her journey called The Hardest Peace. I thought the title of her book was rather interesting...just the concept of peace being hard caught my attention. I bought and read her book right after I was diagnosed and I was so blessed by reading it. Kara used examples of her faith brilliantly as she wove the story of God's love through her life. I won't share the details of the story with you because you'll want to read it for yourself.

The reason I'm writing this blog post about Kara again is because her story is so close to my heart. Without sounding morbid, I can't help but put myself in her shoes. One day, and only the Lord knows when, I'll be at the point of death...I only hope I can finish as well as Kara will.

Kara with her husband Jason sharing a tender moment

The one lesson I've learned from following Kara's story is this...nothing but love matters. That sounds so simple doesn't it? And really it is simple! Over and over and over the main theme of the Bible is love. As Christians, our lives should so focus on love that nothing else is important. I think Jesus feels the same way otherwise, why would He have emphasized love so much? "…37And He said to him, "'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' 38"This is the great and foremost commandment. 39"The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'…" (Matthew 22:37-39)

As Kara's life nears the end, her one last wish is to be able to go to the beach with her family. She and I are alike in our love of the beach. It would also be my last wish. I feel the most close to God when I'm on the beach looking out at the water. Just the vast expanse of the sea overwhelms me. Just knowing that God, in His omnipotent power, not only created the sea but set boundaries to contain it amazes me. He is so much more than we can fathom!

Will you join with me in praying that Kara is able to have her last wish? I'm sure it will be a huge undertaking to have the medical equipment transported over such a distance and it will be a great challenge to work out the logistics for her family. I hope she is able to bask in the sunshine as she looks out at the rolling waves of the sea and feel the glorious presence of her Savior's love. I hope her family will savor every last minute of time they have to spend with Kara and that precious memories are formed.

Kara and her family at the beach before she got so sick

Life is so short, even 60 or 70 years seems to flash by in the blink of an eye...and we are reminded we are nothing but a vapor that disappears. "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." James 4:14

Let love be the most important thing in your life. It really is all that matters. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

What to do, what to do???

The Cancer saga continues and in today's episode, there's a dilemma. The dilemma is one that demands my utmost attention. Now what exactly is the dilemma you wonder? I can almost see you sitting on the edge of your seat, biting your nails thinking what is it? What is it? Well....let me tell you about my dilemma.

Before Christmas, the Oncologist started me on Arimidex, which is a fairly new cancer drug. It's listed as an aromatase inhibitor and is the preferred drug of choice for women who are post menopausal. I'm an obedient patient and I took the medication as instructed. I even endured weeks of funky side effects but then, after being as compliant as I could be, I'd had all I could stand. I contacted the doctor's office and told him Arimidex was definitely not for me. After explaining all of my symptoms to the doctor, he instructed me to go off the medication until December 27. Being the good girl that I am, I did exactly as I was told.

For most of the month of December, I felt normal...well, as normal as you can feel when you've experienced the trauma of breast cancer, surgery, and radiation...but I felt pretty much like myself. Oh, now and then I had some emotional challenges and shed tons of unexpected and unexplained tears, but I made it through the holidays pretty much unscathed.

On December 27, being the obedient one, I began taking Tamoxifen as the doctor ordered. The first few days, I only had a slight headache and thought, "hey, this isn't going to be so bad afterall!" As the days went by, the side effects increased. First it was insomnia, then hot flashes and night sweats, then it was an inability to think straight, and then depression. The symptoms kept compounding and getting worse.

Two days ago, I experienced another side effect from Tamoxifen...the dreaded yeast infection. Sorry. I know that's TMI (too much information) but I'm just trying to keep it real here. Any woman who's had a yeast infection knows it is NOT something minor. A yeast infection is enough to drive a sane person onto the brink of insanity. So...this compliant woman...this unusually obedient person...MOI...became very upset and frustrated. Back and forth, I argued with myself. Should I or should I not continue taking the Tamoxifen? After much deliberation and prayer, I have decided to stop taking Tamoxifen. Now hold on a minute! Don't get your panties in a wad! I did weigh out the options and yes, I have called the doctor and told him everything...in fact, I'm waiting for a callback from his office as I type. And no...the yeast infection wasn't what made me make my decision, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

I don't know if my decision not to continue taking Tamoxifen is the perfect one, but I do know it's the right one for me. I can't keep going night after night with no sleep. I can't live my life in a state of drugged stupor where I can't even focus on mundane things. I won't trade my quality of life for my quantity of life...in fact, I know that nothing is going to detract one single minute of one single day from the specific amount of time God has allotted to me.

You might think I'm crazy, but I have a big faith. I know God is able to keep cancer cells from spreading throughout my body. I know He can completely heal me in an instant if He so chooses. I have a proven track record of His past answers to prayers for healing. I'm continuing to seek His will on this and if He guides me into trying another medication or type of treatment, I will obey. First and foremost, I always want to follow after my Savior. After all, He's the one who created me and He is the one who holds the minutes, hours, and days of my life in the palm of His hand. Who better to trust than Him?

The bumps are what you climb on

I don't remember when I took my first hike, but it was probably with one of my Girl Scout troops many, many years ago. Being deep in the forest green, I felt different...I felt alive. Underneath the canopy of trees, the air was fresh and clean. The forest was alive with activity...all one had to do was stop, look, and listen. That first hike opened my senses and I fell in love with the great outdoors. Since that day, I've spent many days hiking or camping. It's what I love doing most.

Last year, my husband and I went hiking on the Appalachian Trail. We've jumped on and off different parts of the trail for the past 21 years, but on this trip, we were on the Benton McKaye Trail. We were at the trail head near Springer Mountain. The Benton McKaye Trail is a footpath about 300 miles long. It traverses through the Appalachian Mountains into the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.We were on a day trip, so we'd only cover about 7 to 10 miles that day, but we were excited.

We started out casually walking and talking about our plans for the week. Staying in a nearby cabin, we wanted to make the most of our vacation stay. The trail wound through the trees and we noticed a change as the path grew steeper. As we walked, we also noticed the forest seemed to grow more dense with heavy moss and deep green vines. Our breathing intensified as the trail got progressively more difficult. The path was no longer easy and smooth. Now it was rocky and covered with exposed roots from nearby trees. The roots and rocks made walking difficult. It was no longer easy to talk to each other face to face. We found it necessary to constantly look down at our feet to keep from tripping. The path became steeper and steeper. At one point, I had to lean forward and grasp onto some of the roots to pull myself up the hill. While the roots keep us tripping forward, I was also thankful for the ones that provided natural handholds.

I haven't been hiking in many months now because of my health issues. I miss it. Every day I sit at my computer looking out my window into the woods surrounding our house and I long to be out on a trail. Thinking about trails, hiking, and camping made me realize that sometimes, the bumps are what you have to climb on. Without the rocks and roots, my husband and I wouldn't have been able to make it up the vertical incline through the woods. As I thought about how the obstacles helped us continue on our journey, I began to think about my health. My journey with Breast Cancer started off slow and steady. First came the diagnosis and tests, then came surgery. As the path twists and turns, I'm learning to take one step at a time. I'm finding I have to step over some obstacles and grab onto my faith a little harder.

This morning, as I was reading my Bible, I found several passages that spoke to me. These verses tell me not to be surprised when I face trials in my life because the trials, allowed by God, have come to teach and test. They have also come to produce perseverance. Just like hiking on a trail, despite rocks and roots, takes me to my destination; trials in my life, though difficult and challenging, change me into the person God wants me to be.

Often when we hike, I love hunting waterfalls. Deep in the woods, in the middle of a path, it's hard to see what's around the next bend. I can usually hear the rushing waters long before we reach the waterfall, but I know it's somewhere ahead of me. Sometimes my ears trick me and make me think the waterfall is closer than it really is, but I just have to keep on walking and trusting that as I stay on the path, I'll reach my destination. It's the same way with my cancer journey. I know there's some reason God has allowed me to travel this path. I know there's something beneficial for me in it and even though I can't see it, I have to keep on walking through it. I have to climb over the rocks and roots. I have to use them to take me higher. My path is filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, rocks and roots, but I am determined to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. God hasn't promised to remove the stones from my path, but He does promise to make them into stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks.

One day, I'll have learned what He wants me to learn and I'll have become the person He wants me to become. I'll look back at the path I've traveled and see all I've been able to overcome. Some days it seems I'm all alone on the path, but I know that's not true. I know I have a constant traveling companion, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He's promised to never leave me or forsake me. Why He's chosen this particular path, I may never know, but I am thankful for the rocks and roots He's given me to climb on to reach the high places. His Word tells me the testing of my faith will produce perseverance. The dictionary describes perseverance as steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. I think I'm learning this lesson quite well. Thank you, Lord, that you've found me worthy to partake in a small part of your sufferings. May you receive glory and honor and may I be found faithful as I continue to press on. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved 

^"12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³ But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ¹⁴ If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. ¹⁵ If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. ¹⁶ However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. ¹⁷ For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? ¹⁸ And,

“If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
    what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”^[a]

¹⁹ So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:12-19

^"3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:3


^"3 Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance." Romans 5:3

Discovering my pearl

In 2009, I had the wonderful opportunity to go to China on a mission trip. I'd never been out of the country in my life, so this was going to be a wonderful adventure. There were so many things I was looking forward to experiencing...the people, the culture, the sights and sounds...everything would be a new and exciting memory.

After arriving in the country and getting acclimated for a few days,  I felt more at ease. Amid our busy days of service teaching Chinese students English as a second language, our team leader and host missionaries planned small sight seeing trips. One of the trips took us to Gulangyu Island where we were able to meet the owner of Pearl World, a small shop specializing in pearl jewelry. The pearls were collected daily by local divers and the owner of the shop made the pearls into beautiful necklaces, bracelets, and rings. I enjoyed talking with the owner and learning how the pearls are formed.

She explained that pearls are produced when a foreign object enters an oyster's shell. It usually begins forming around a grain of sand or an egg of some parasite that invaded the oyster. The oyster protects itself by layering the irritant with nacre—mother-of-pearl—until, out of pain and suffering, it forms an object of great beauty. The offending particle actually becomes a gem of great worth!

Today, as I was rummaging through my dresser drawers, I came across a little black velvet bag. I knew immediately what the bag contained...my pearls. I took them out of their protective casing and held them in my hand. They were so smooth, so round, so white. As I fingered the pearls, I couldn't help but wonder how the oyster could take something that was meant to cause irritation and transform it into something so beautiful. I wondered if I could relate to cancer the same way.

Perhaps I'll never know why God allowed cancer into my life but surely it was for my benefit. Perhaps He wanted me to understand that although it was a constant source of irritation,  something of great beauty would come of it one day. Could I layer my suffering like the oyster had to create a product of great worth? No. Could God do it? Yes!

Daily I struggle and am reminded of the irritation of the effects cancer has had in my life. But instead of focusing on the irritant, I want to focus on the layers that God is applying over it. One of the first layers I've seen is the layer of peace. Things that normally would cause me worry or concern are gone and have been replaced with God's inexplicable peace. Another layer I'm seeing is the layer of love. In the past, although love has always been present, it wasn't as unconditional as it is now. I am finding I am able to see things through God's eyes...through His love...instead of through my own earthly eyes. Another layer I see growing is the layer of hope. God has been applying His truths to my injury and is smoothing out the rough edges. I have a feeling the next layer to come will be the layer of joy! Layer upon layer, a precious gem is built and who, in looking at the precious pearl, would ever know that it all began with something so painful?

As I slipped the strand of pearls back into the velvet bag, I offered a silent prayer of thanks to God for the miracle of healing. Although it hasn't been easy, I know He's layering His love all over my pain and making it into something of great worth. Cancer will constantly be a reminder of a huge struggle in my life but God's layering of peace, love, hope, and joy will make the ugliness of the struggle beautiful.


©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Forgetting what lies behind

What I want you to know:
I was there to see a new doctor...to become established as a new patient. The office was crowded but the staff was friendly...it will be okay, I thought. Within just a few minutes, the nurse called my name. I rose from my seat and walked toward the door. I winked at my husband, who was filling out paperwork, "see you in a few minutes," I said.

The nurse took me back through a maze of hallways and after getting my weight, took me into an exam room where she asked general health questions. When it came time for her to take my blood pressure, I knew I would have to tell her about the cancer. I had hoped I wouldn't have to divulge that information so quickly, but it was necessary. She pulled the cuff from the wall and came closer. As she was about to wrap the cuff around my arm, I said, "you'll have to do it on my ankle." She looked at me through puzzled eyes and that's when I remarked, "I have breast cancer." I showed her my Lymphedema sleeves and she shook her head. "My mother had breast cancer and she had sleeves too." I felt a little more at ease. She said, "I'll let the doctor decide what to do about the blood pressure." She smiled and stepped out of the room. I waited.

In a couple of minutes my new physician was entering the room. He reached out his hand to make my acquaintance. He seemed very professional and friendly. I commented on the artwork he had on the exam room walls. They were covered in framed, handmade drawings and paintings created by a child. Evidently they were done by either his child or a grandchild. He smiled and thanked me telling me that the pictures were made by his "now grown" daughter. I told him I had 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren with one on the way. He smiled.

We proceeded through a crash course of my medical history and he asked the reason for my visit. I explained that we were new to the area and were just there to get established. He asked what my main concern was and I told him I didn't really have one other than the breast cancer. I was already being treated for that. He asked me to lie back on the exam table and proceeded to take my blood pressure on my ankle. I was very still as he listened to my heart and lungs. He ordered some routine blood tests and asked if I needed any of my medications filled while I was there. I gave him the necessary information and thanked him as I headed for the lab.

Sitting in the chair, waiting to have my blood drawn, I could feel my heart beating faster. I was nervous. When the lab tech came over, needle in hand, she glanced down at my arms. I don't think she realized I was wearing compression sleeves. She must have thought I was wearing a long sleeve shirt underneath my blouse. As she readied herself to draw my blood, and saw I wasn't making any effort to raise my sleeves, I could see a questioned look on her face. "I have breast cancer," I heard myself saying once again. I explained to her that my blood could only be drawn on my left hand and only using a butterfly needle. She looked and saw that the veins on that hand were very tiny. She began vigorously slapping the top of my hand in hopes of making the veins become more prominent. After a few minutes, I felt a stick. She had inserted the butterfly needle at the precise location she had chosen but had missed the mark. She called to her coworker and asked for help. The other lab tech came over and with just a few quick adjustments was able to get the blood to flow easily. "Oh, you have the magic touch," I said. The older woman exclaimed, "honey, I've been doing this for fourteen years." I asked her if she had prayed over that needle before sticking me. She smiled and said, "yes, I did. I always do!" We smiled at each other and I was thankful she was a sister in Christ.

I left the office that day with a bandage on my hand. As my husband and I were driving home from our appointments, I began thinking. Why did I tell the nurse, the doctor, and the lab techs that I have breast cancer? Why didn't I say I had cancer? That was food for thought.

This morning, while having my devotional, I came across two verses in the Bible that helped me find the answer to my questions.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19 New International Version

"Brothers and sisters I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14 New International Version

The reason I said, "I have breast cancer," is because I had been looking backward instead of looking forward. Yes, I had breast cancer, but I no longer have it. I've had surgery. I've had radiation, and in just a few days, I'll start on medication. I needed to shift my thinking.

I needed to look forward with my eyes fixed on the goal before me...to live. I needed to look forward with gratitude and excitement. The only reason I ever have to look back is to remember how far I've come. I never want to look back with regret. I never want to look back and wish things were different. To keep growing and changing, I have to keep moving. I have to move forward and not backward.

Over and over again, I hear people say to me, "God will never give you more than you can handle." That statement is not in the Bible and is definitely not true. God often gives us more than we can handle and the reason He does is to show us that even when we are weak, He is strong. He is sufficient. Even in the depths of suffering, He is good.

As I look forward, I know that God is already there. He's waiting for me with outstretched hand. He is ready and willing to walk my path with me. When I look back, I see how far He's already taken me. We've traveled up steep and rocky trails together. Some of those trails I knew I couldn't climb...but we did it...we made it together! There may be rocky paths ahead still, but I'm willing to go wherever He leads me...one step at a time. I will keep moving forward. 

What I'm thinking:
Sometimes, I think it's okay to look back, just for a glance, just to remember. I always want to remember His faithfulness. my journey with breast cancer isn't over yet but my thinking has changed. I won't be so quick to exclaim, "I have breast cancer." I think the reason I've done that in the past was because of my fear of the  unknown. Surgery and radiation should have removed all traces of the cancer, but that little feeling of insecurity has said, "but, what  it...." It's time to put those thoughts to rest. I may have had breast cancer, but it isn't going to have me. I'm moving forward and not only am I looking at what lies ahead of me, I'm looking up, too. God is doing a new thing! He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The old is gone and the new has come.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved