I am not a has been

"I am not a has-been. I am a will be." - Lauren Bacall

A well meaning friend sent me a picture of a pink Christmas tree yesterday. She said, "I thought of you when I saw this." I was dumbfounded. Why does everyone seem to think just because I have breast cancer that suddenly I'm enamored with the color pink?

When I was growing up, I hated pink. I was a tomboy. I wore jeans and tennis shoes. I loved playing war with my brother. Deep in the woods we'd trek until we had climbed over tree branches, creeks, hills, and barbed wire. I loved hearing the leaves crunching under my feet and didn't mind twigs tangled in my hair or "hitch hikers" attaching to my pants legs. The girls at school would have cringed if they had known my secret...that I hated wearing dresses and I would rather be playing football in the mud with the neighborhood guys instead of having a tea party. Pink was just not my color. Pink gave me no pleasure.  Even now, at almost 57, I consider myself a tomboy. I hate wearing dresses.

But tomboys can still be tenderhearted. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store. I chose to go to Kroger because it was Wednesday, and Wednesday was senior citizen's day and seniors get a 10% discount. The first time I had ever received a senior discount, I had to ask for it. The woman behind the counter didn't believe I was over 55. I had to show her my driver's license. She said,  "you don't look your age." I was flattered. I've always prided myself on looking young. But yesterday, the cashier did not give me the discount. When I confronted her about it, she said, "we only give the discount to seniors 60 and up." I told her I'd always received the discount in Dekalb County Kroger stores and had been told the policy was 55 and up. I asked to speak to the manager. The manager was adamant about their 60 and up policy. As I left the store, I cried. Rivers of black mascara cascaded down my cheeks. Why was I so upset? Was it because of the rejection I'd just faced at the store or was it something deeper?

When I got home, it took thirty minutes to bring the groceries in and get them all put away. I was so frustrated at not being strong enough to carry more than one or two bags at a time. On the kitchen counter, my bottle of Arimidex, the antihormone therapy, sat reminding me that in just a few more days, I'll face a whole new set of challenges. Challenges of bone pain, fatigue, hair loss, mood changes....

Walking into my bedroom, I glanced down at my dresser. There on the dresser top lay several breast cancer bracelets I'd received in the mail from friends. More pink! I hadn't bothered to put them on, I hated pink. I stripped off my Lymphedema sleeves and changed into a flannel shirt. At least at home, I could be comfortable and be my true self.

I made a bowl of soup and sat down at the table to eat lunch. In front of me, I had a stack of magazines. I began flipping through the top one and almost every other page had something pink on it! Pink ribbons were everywhere. I closed the magazine and sat silently for a few minutes. I realized why I'd had the meltdown in the Kroger parking lot. It wasn't that I didn't receive my senior discount, it was about my feeling helpless to control all the changes that have and are taking place in my life. Those pink ribbons are constant reminders that I'm not who I once was...that I am someone different.

Walking into the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror. "Who are you?" I thought to myself. On first glance, I see myself as a mid forties woman with a fresh coat of makeup, fairly attractive, looking healthy and fit. But then, as I take a second look...I see a facade. I see a wrinkled woman who's learned the fine art of camouflage. I see fading hair color revealing various shades of gray. I see a woman with no feminine form. I see a deep sadness and pain. I force myself to look for a few minutes longer and then it is too much and I turn away. "I hate pink," I say to myself.

The holidays are coming. In just a few weeks it will be Thanksgiving. Normally, I would prepare a huge feast and have all the children and grandchildren over for dinner. This year, I'm too tired to do it. Two of my daughters have agreed to pick up the slack. They are going to take care of all the details. They'll come to my house and prepare the food. We'll celebrate being together. We'll celebrate being alive and my heart will be overcome with God's goodness. Usually, after the meal is finished, we set up the Christmas tree. It's usually a time filled with fun and joy. This year, I'm just not feeling it. I have no desire to put up the tree...no desire to buy gifts...no desire at all. I want to slap myself silly and say, "what's the matter with you!" I know I have so much to be thankful for and I should be overjoyed to celebrate the holidays but something inside has changed. It hurts me to realize I'm not the same as I used to be...I'm different. I wonder if the kids can see it. I hope they don't. I don't want to upset them.

I know I'm suffering from depression and that really scares me. It's not like me to feel down in the dumps and so alone. As I face this reality, I also realize that even when I don't quite recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror, God does. He doesn't look at my outsides but my insides. He looks on my heart. He knows the trauma I've faced this year. He knows what it's done to my self esteem. He knows I'm struggling and still, He loves me. This grown up old tomboy with wrinkled face and graying hair...this old woman with no breasts, He still loves. Now it's up to me to learn to love myself again...to realize I'm not a "has been" but a "will be." Maybe a good romp in the woods would help jog my memory a little bit.

Breast cancer awareness is symbolized by the color pink and that's okay if it causes women to check their breasts but if you know someone with breast cancer, be sensitive to the fact that the color pink may not be their "new" favorite color. Some women with breast cancer want to surround themselves with pink everything but many do not. It's hard to be constantly reminded of what was instead of what is now. Each of us have to process things in our own way and for me, pink is a constant symbol of the fact that my life is no longer the same. So no, this year, I won't be putting up a pink Christmas tree and I won't be donning my green tree with pink ribbons. In fact, I may not put up a tree at all. Perhaps I'll just take a walk in the woods, where nothing is pink, and enjoy the beauty of nature. That sounds like a tomboy's dream to me, and if I get the urge, I may just climb up in the tree and sit there for a while just thinking of the me that is still to come...the me that will be.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved 

Heart and soul

Waiting for a new grandchild to arrive is very stressful, especially when you're almost 2000 miles away, but waiting teaches us patience, right? I guess I'm the most impatient person in the world because God is continually working on that area of my life. My oldest daughter went into labor yesterday morning and now, almost 27 hours later, we still have no grandchild. I would be lying if I didn't say I was concerned, she's already had 3 Cesarean sections and two of her previous three births were breech. I feel so helpless...all I can do is pray.

On the way to the cardiologist's office for my followup appointment, I prayed. I asked God to guide the hands of the midwife and all those helping my daughter during the birthing process. I prayed for my sweet daughter, that God would give her strength to endure the difficult labor pains, and I prayed for my unborn grandchild...for God to take care of and bless that little one. I prayed prayers of thanksgiving, for the miracle of life. I prayed prayers of gratitude that our family was growing once again, but most of all, I prayed that I would be instrumental in helping to guide this new life into a saving knowledge of the Lord, Jesus Christ one day.

At that doctor's office, as I sat on the examination table, I listened as the doctor went over the recent test results with me. The stress test and the echocardiogram revealed I was still experiencing PVC'S (premature ventricular contractions.) The cardiologist wasn't as concerned about my enlarged right ventricle as he was with the PVC's so he decided to change my medication and wants me to wear a heart monitor to record the number of PVC'S and their frequency. I'm glad he's diligent to protect my heart. I was also thankful he gave me the okay to walk again. I haven't had the energy to do much of anything lately. It will feel good to get back on the treadmill and when the weather is a little warmer, I can start hiking again!

Today is the first day since my surgery that I've actually felt almost normal...not quite, but almost. I guess this "new normal" is going to take some getting used to and though it's not like the old normal, maybe I can find a way to adapt to the way things are now.

It's hard to believe it's been almost 8 months since I first found the mass in my right breast.  In just the blink of an eye, my heart and soul have changed. My heart has experienced physical changes, but more importantly, emotional changes. I feel almost like the Grinch on Christmas day, when his heart was changed...."And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say – that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day. And then – the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!" My heart seems to have increased exponentially in its capacity to love. I never dreamed I could love more than I already did, but I do. Since my diagnosis of cancer, I've been able to see things so differently and to love more profoundly than ever before. It's amazing and I'm thankful. My soul has changed too. Cancer has changed me, and for the better. I just didn't "get it" before...but now I do. I feel like I've found a wonderful, mysterious secret that I'd never know before. Who would have thought that it would take a deadly disease to make me understand...certainly not me, but oh, how I see so much more clearly now.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Discovering my pearl

In 2009, I had the wonderful opportunity to go to China on a mission trip. I'd never been out of the country in my life, so this was going to be a wonderful adventure. There were so many things I was looking forward to experiencing...the people, the culture, the sights and sounds...everything would be a new and exciting memory.

After arriving in the country and getting acclimated for a few days,  I felt more at ease. Amid our busy days of service teaching Chinese students English as a second language, our team leader and host missionaries planned small sight seeing trips. One of the trips took us to Gulangyu Island where we were able to meet the owner of Pearl World, a small shop specializing in pearl jewelry. The pearls were collected daily by local divers and the owner of the shop made the pearls into beautiful necklaces, bracelets, and rings. I enjoyed talking with the owner and learning how the pearls are formed.

She explained that pearls are produced when a foreign object enters an oyster's shell. It usually begins forming around a grain of sand or an egg of some parasite that invaded the oyster. The oyster protects itself by layering the irritant with nacre—mother-of-pearl—until, out of pain and suffering, it forms an object of great beauty. The offending particle actually becomes a gem of great worth!

Today, as I was rummaging through my dresser drawers, I came across a little black velvet bag. I knew immediately what the bag contained...my pearls. I took them out of their protective casing and held them in my hand. They were so smooth, so round, so white. As I fingered the pearls, I couldn't help but wonder how the oyster could take something that was meant to cause irritation and transform it into something so beautiful. I wondered if I could relate to cancer the same way.

Perhaps I'll never know why God allowed cancer into my life but surely it was for my benefit. Perhaps He wanted me to understand that although it was a constant source of irritation,  something of great beauty would come of it one day. Could I layer my suffering like the oyster had to create a product of great worth? No. Could God do it? Yes!

Daily I struggle and am reminded of the irritation of the effects cancer has had in my life. But instead of focusing on the irritant, I want to focus on the layers that God is applying over it. One of the first layers I've seen is the layer of peace. Things that normally would cause me worry or concern are gone and have been replaced with God's inexplicable peace. Another layer I'm seeing is the layer of love. In the past, although love has always been present, it wasn't as unconditional as it is now. I am finding I am able to see things through God's eyes...through His love...instead of through my own earthly eyes. Another layer I see growing is the layer of hope. God has been applying His truths to my injury and is smoothing out the rough edges. I have a feeling the next layer to come will be the layer of joy! Layer upon layer, a precious gem is built and who, in looking at the precious pearl, would ever know that it all began with something so painful?

As I slipped the strand of pearls back into the velvet bag, I offered a silent prayer of thanks to God for the miracle of healing. Although it hasn't been easy, I know He's layering His love all over my pain and making it into something of great worth. Cancer will constantly be a reminder of a huge struggle in my life but God's layering of peace, love, hope, and joy will make the ugliness of the struggle beautiful.


©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Oncology visit

What I want you to know:
When I walked into the Oncology center, I was nervous. No one had come with me today and I felt so alone. I entered the lobby and took the elevator up to the third floor. I had no idea what was going to be done today. I signed in at the receptionist's desk and sat down in the waiting room. No one else was there. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

I'd only met Dr. Feinstein once before and that was shortly after my cancer diagnosis. It's amazing how my illness has given me an entire team of doctors. Each one of them specialize in different areas, but they all work together for my benefit. Some days I feel like a rock star.

I waited about fifteen minutes before being called back. Of course, the nurse ushered me into a little alcove with the infamous scale. In a chipper voice, she said, "Let's get your weight." In my head I said, 'no, let's don't and say we did." I hate having my weight done, partly because I know I've gained weight since surgery and partly because there's nothing I can do about it at this time. I haven't been able to do any kind of exercise for months.

The nurse with her little clipboard guided me into the exam room. Once again, I see the blood pressure machine coming my way. I explained that she couldn't use my arms because of the Lymphedema and she gave the same reaction as the nurse yesterday in Dr. Smith's office. She wasn't too happy to have to take my blood pressure on my calf. She had to try 3 times to get the machine to register. It was really hurting as it pumped up higher and higher. I'd never seen a cuff pump up to 243 before and I could feel pain on my leg. I commented to her that it was really hurting, but she did nothing. When the machine finally stopped pumping, I was shocked to see my blood pressure at 179/110. I commented that my blood pressure was extremely high and she told me not to worry because it always registers higher on the leg. "Oh, okay," I said.

Dr. Feinstein came in and sat down. He always sits so close that kind of freaks me out. He is so calm and so soft spoken. I'm sure that helps put his patients at ease. I listened as he went over my lab results. He wants to keep a close eye on my Vitamin D level which is still very low. As he reviewed my bone density scan, he commented that I'd need to have it redone every two years. Apparently the aromatase inhibitor, Arimidex, can cause severe Osteopenia and Osteoporosis. He explained that those in turn can cause frequent bone fractures.

As the doctor finished reviewing my labs, he leaned in closer to me and began to tell me all the side effects of Arimidex. He said hair loss, hot flashes, bone/joint pain, fatigue, mood swings and mental changes are all side effects that can occur. He wants me to try the medication for 30 days and then report back to him. If Arimidex doesn't work well for me, he'll put me on Tamoxifen but in the next breath, he said Tamoxifen causes blood clots.

For the next five to ten years I'll need to be on this medication. Dr. Feinstein wants me to wait two weeks to start since I just finished radiation. He said that will give me a little more time to recover and get my energy back before starting the new medication. It scares me.

What I'm thinking:
Will I ever be through with treatment for cancer? Will I have doctors appointments every month? Will I think every new ache or pain is the cancer returning? Will I ever get my energy back? I don't know what to do...do I just trust that the doctor knows more than I do and take the medication just because he tells me to take it? Do I need to research it more and ask about alternative therapies? I wonder if I'm just a lab rat...being used to gather statistical information on how Arimidex does or does not affect estrogen in my body. I know the medication is supposed to better my odds of having a recurrence, but all of those side effects...are they worth it? I'm going to pray I don't get any of the side effects but if I do, I hope I don't experience any of the more severe ones...is that too much to ask? I don't want to go through hot flashes again...been there and done that...it was definitely no fun! Hair loss...don't want to experience that either...it takes my hair forever to grow and it's already very fine and thin. Mood swings/mental changes...I definitely don't want any of those and I know Phil won't either! I don't want him to wonder what ever happened to his sweet loving wife! I'm afraid the medication may make me be a horrible, irritable person. So much to worry about, but I can't go there. I don't want to borrow trouble. All I can do is trust my doctors and hope for the best. I know God's in control and that's all that matters. Sometimes I think Cancer sucks.

Forgetting what lies behind

What I want you to know:
I was there to see a new doctor...to become established as a new patient. The office was crowded but the staff was friendly...it will be okay, I thought. Within just a few minutes, the nurse called my name. I rose from my seat and walked toward the door. I winked at my husband, who was filling out paperwork, "see you in a few minutes," I said.

The nurse took me back through a maze of hallways and after getting my weight, took me into an exam room where she asked general health questions. When it came time for her to take my blood pressure, I knew I would have to tell her about the cancer. I had hoped I wouldn't have to divulge that information so quickly, but it was necessary. She pulled the cuff from the wall and came closer. As she was about to wrap the cuff around my arm, I said, "you'll have to do it on my ankle." She looked at me through puzzled eyes and that's when I remarked, "I have breast cancer." I showed her my Lymphedema sleeves and she shook her head. "My mother had breast cancer and she had sleeves too." I felt a little more at ease. She said, "I'll let the doctor decide what to do about the blood pressure." She smiled and stepped out of the room. I waited.

In a couple of minutes my new physician was entering the room. He reached out his hand to make my acquaintance. He seemed very professional and friendly. I commented on the artwork he had on the exam room walls. They were covered in framed, handmade drawings and paintings created by a child. Evidently they were done by either his child or a grandchild. He smiled and thanked me telling me that the pictures were made by his "now grown" daughter. I told him I had 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren with one on the way. He smiled.

We proceeded through a crash course of my medical history and he asked the reason for my visit. I explained that we were new to the area and were just there to get established. He asked what my main concern was and I told him I didn't really have one other than the breast cancer. I was already being treated for that. He asked me to lie back on the exam table and proceeded to take my blood pressure on my ankle. I was very still as he listened to my heart and lungs. He ordered some routine blood tests and asked if I needed any of my medications filled while I was there. I gave him the necessary information and thanked him as I headed for the lab.

Sitting in the chair, waiting to have my blood drawn, I could feel my heart beating faster. I was nervous. When the lab tech came over, needle in hand, she glanced down at my arms. I don't think she realized I was wearing compression sleeves. She must have thought I was wearing a long sleeve shirt underneath my blouse. As she readied herself to draw my blood, and saw I wasn't making any effort to raise my sleeves, I could see a questioned look on her face. "I have breast cancer," I heard myself saying once again. I explained to her that my blood could only be drawn on my left hand and only using a butterfly needle. She looked and saw that the veins on that hand were very tiny. She began vigorously slapping the top of my hand in hopes of making the veins become more prominent. After a few minutes, I felt a stick. She had inserted the butterfly needle at the precise location she had chosen but had missed the mark. She called to her coworker and asked for help. The other lab tech came over and with just a few quick adjustments was able to get the blood to flow easily. "Oh, you have the magic touch," I said. The older woman exclaimed, "honey, I've been doing this for fourteen years." I asked her if she had prayed over that needle before sticking me. She smiled and said, "yes, I did. I always do!" We smiled at each other and I was thankful she was a sister in Christ.

I left the office that day with a bandage on my hand. As my husband and I were driving home from our appointments, I began thinking. Why did I tell the nurse, the doctor, and the lab techs that I have breast cancer? Why didn't I say I had cancer? That was food for thought.

This morning, while having my devotional, I came across two verses in the Bible that helped me find the answer to my questions.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19 New International Version

"Brothers and sisters I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14 New International Version

The reason I said, "I have breast cancer," is because I had been looking backward instead of looking forward. Yes, I had breast cancer, but I no longer have it. I've had surgery. I've had radiation, and in just a few days, I'll start on medication. I needed to shift my thinking.

I needed to look forward with my eyes fixed on the goal before me...to live. I needed to look forward with gratitude and excitement. The only reason I ever have to look back is to remember how far I've come. I never want to look back with regret. I never want to look back and wish things were different. To keep growing and changing, I have to keep moving. I have to move forward and not backward.

Over and over again, I hear people say to me, "God will never give you more than you can handle." That statement is not in the Bible and is definitely not true. God often gives us more than we can handle and the reason He does is to show us that even when we are weak, He is strong. He is sufficient. Even in the depths of suffering, He is good.

As I look forward, I know that God is already there. He's waiting for me with outstretched hand. He is ready and willing to walk my path with me. When I look back, I see how far He's already taken me. We've traveled up steep and rocky trails together. Some of those trails I knew I couldn't climb...but we did it...we made it together! There may be rocky paths ahead still, but I'm willing to go wherever He leads me...one step at a time. I will keep moving forward. 

What I'm thinking:
Sometimes, I think it's okay to look back, just for a glance, just to remember. I always want to remember His faithfulness. my journey with breast cancer isn't over yet but my thinking has changed. I won't be so quick to exclaim, "I have breast cancer." I think the reason I've done that in the past was because of my fear of the  unknown. Surgery and radiation should have removed all traces of the cancer, but that little feeling of insecurity has said, "but, what  it...." It's time to put those thoughts to rest. I may have had breast cancer, but it isn't going to have me. I'm moving forward and not only am I looking at what lies ahead of me, I'm looking up, too. God is doing a new thing! He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The old is gone and the new has come.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Finding God's purpose

Since I wrote in my blog last Monday, I've had a very difficult week. One of the reasons I decided to write only once a week was because I just couldn't muster up the energy to continue on a daily basis. You see, I've been struggling. Daily it seems I meet a new challenge. The physical challenges are easy to identify...one day it might be extreme fatigue, the next day it might be a lack of appetite, and then there's the rawness of my skin...so burned and so painful that I could barely stand to have anything touch me. And then, there's the emotional side...the side that's a little harder to understand and identify. I've cried a million tears...begged and pleaded with God. I've been depressed and lonely. I've felt totally abandoned...I've struggled in ways that no one but God has seen. I've felt ashamed and unlovely. But even in all of the struggling, I know God has never left my side. He's always been right with me.

Yesterday was a really hard day and after I explain why, you'll more than likely wonder how I could let the life of a complete stranger affect me so much. What you'll really wonder about is how I could connect on such a deep level with a complete stranger through Facebook, but that's one of the wonders of the internet. There's a "pink sisterhood" out there...all over the internet women in various stages of Breast Cancer connect...and the reason we connect so easily is because we can truly understand one another's struggle.

Not long after I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I was on the internet searching for any and all information I could find about Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I wanted to learn everything I could about the type of Cancer that I was dealing with at the time. As I was searching, I came across several Breast Cancer support groups on Facebook and decided to join them since I had no support other than close friends and family. I needed people to rally around me. I needed women who could relate to what I was experiencing. I needed their wisdom and expertise. At first, the support groups were great. I was able to find other women who shared my same diagnosis. I was able to ask questions and get answers from women who'd already had mastectomies, lymph node removal, chemotherapy and radiation. These "pink sisters" were more than happy to help. No question was too silly to ask and boy, did I have a lot of questions. As time went on, I found that more often than not, many of the women were very negative. They were dragging me down. So I left those groups. It was important for me to find women of strong Christian faith...women who had hope. I searched again and found another group on Facebook, "Christian Women Living with Breast Cancer," and I immediately joined it. What a difference I saw in the comments, encouragement, and attitude of these women. They were so kind and so loving. Finally, I felt at home with others like me.

A month ago, as I was reading a post by one of the women. She was asking for prayer for a friend. I was intrigued by the photo she had posted of a young mother struggling with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Triple Negative is a very aggressive form of Breast Cancer is hard to treat because it isn't fed by Estrogen, Progesterone, or Her-2 Neu (thus the name Triple Negative. Most Breast Cancers are fed by one or more of these three hormones and knowing which ones cause the Cancer to grow allows doctors to aggressively treat them with anti hormone therapies.)



The woman's name was Christina Newman. She was just 39 years old, a wife, and the mother to two young girls. She had been fighting for 4 years. She had invited the public into her life by hosting V-logs (video blogs) where she shared her daily life with her viewers. She had quite a following and I was one of those followers. She was open and honest and raw. She shared her good days and her bad days. She wanted others to know what Breast Cancer was like. She had been through all the treatments her medical team could give her but the Cancer had metastasized. Her liver was the size of a basketball and she was in extreme pain, but even though she was in horrendous pain, she always had a smile on her face. She had a positive attitude. I had the honor of corresponding with Christina several times over the past month. I was able to ask her questions and offer her my love and support. She was always gracious...always kind.

The last V-log Christina had posted was hard to watch. It was obvious from her facial expressions that she was in pain. She'd just had a last ditch chemo treatment in an attempt to shrink the massive tumor that was taking over her liver. Her skin was jaundiced and her eyes looked so weak, and yet she was able to smile. Her spirit was amazing. She was so brave.

On Friday of this past week, Christina was moved to Hospice. The doctors had done all they could do. Her family was preparing for the inevitable. Last night I saw another post...a photo of Christina holding her youngest child...18 month old Ava. It touched my heart. I could feel her pain.


Last night, Christina lost her battle with Cancer. She passed away peacefully surrounded by her loved ones at 1:40 p.m. Mountain time. One of her family members posted a picture of her peacefully resting. I'm not sure if it was just before or just after her death, but it hit me hard. Even at that point on her journey, a smile was on her face...she was filled with peace. I wondered if I would respond the same way.

I cried and cried. I cried for Christina. I cried for her family. I cried for me. The reality of Cancer was hard to accept. I didn't want to fight and fight and fight Cancer only to have it win someday. I just wanted to live. Christina fought valiantly and even still, Cancer won. As I thought about her family and the devastation they were going through, I cried even more. So many women...all races, all ages...why? Why can't we understand what causes Breast Cancer? Why can't we find a cure? There were so many questions and so few answers.

Recently I read a quote that said, "God never wastes our pain, only we do." What a thought provoking statement that was to me. For months now, I've wondered why God allowed me to have a close encounter with Breast Cancer. What was His plan, what was His purpose? I've always lived close to Him, always tried to do His will...what have I still not learned?

You've heard the saying before, "don't judge a book by its cover." From first glance, most people I meet think I'm the typical middle class American woman, wife and mother. They think I'm average. I've lived a hard life...a life that hasn't always been pretty. Sometimes, the ugliness came from choices others made for me and sometimes it came from choices I made myself, but still, the ugliness came. I've been hurt physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've fought adversity most of my life and throughout every painful part of my life journey, God has been there. He's seen me at my best and He's seen me at my worst, but most of all, He's loved me in spite of my choices.

God gave me free will, just like He's given it to you. It has always been my choice to either choose His will or mine. I regret having to say that many times throughout my life, I chose my will over His and suffered the consequences. He gave me that right. He gave me the opportunities. Often I knew better but chose unwisely. When I realized I'd made a mistake, I immediately came back to God and asked for forgiveness. He was always so ready and willing to accept me back into His loving arms. He never said, "I told you so," instead He tenderly opened His arms of love and embraced me calling me His precious child. So why would my loving, caring, Heavenly Father allow His beloved daughter to experience the pain and agony of going through Breast Cancer? I've asked myself that for months, but today, I asked God and His Word gave me the answers. Listen to some of them:

"And if we are [His] children, then we are [His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His inheritance with Him]; only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory." Romans 8:17

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:3-5 NIV)

So what those verses tell me is that as a follower of Christ, I must share in His sufferings knowing that the suffering God has chosen specifically for me has a reason. The reason I must suffer is in knowing that through my suffering, God is going to teach me something. He is going to use it for my benefit and for His glory. When I understand that, I can rejoice because I know the suffering He has allowed into my life will teach me to persevere. It will teach me patience, it will give me hope, and it will yield fruit.

Now you might think that's an easy concept to grasp, and for some people it might be...but for me, it's been very difficult. I will be honest with you. I have struggled greatly over the past few months. I have wondered if I was going to be able to make it through this journey. I've had good days and really bad days. For some reason, it seems the bad days have outnumbered the good days but I've chosen to press on. Maybe I've been a little naive or maybe it's just been that old Pollyanna in me coming out...always looking for the bright side...whatever the case, I haven't given up. Sure, I've wanted to, especially when the pain was really bad, but I just couldn't. I knew that God was at work and who am I to challenge that? The only way I was going to get through these difficult days was to lean on my faith.

But how can I get to a point of rejoicing in my suffering? The only way I could do that is to really understand and know something deep in my soul! It never feels good to be in pain and no normal person would ever feel good about hurting but faith allows me to have a deeper understanding...a knowing that others don't share. What do I know? Paul says, "Knowing that suffering produces..." Suffering does something, accomplishes something. It is productive. It is of value. I know it works, and that is what makes me rejoice. Have you ever seen a woman in labor? Have you watched the expression on her face? The terrible, awful pain of childbirth is real! A woman in the throws of birth pangs is hurting but she suffers through it because she knows her efforts will be productive! She is going to receive a great reward...a beautiful newborn baby.

Suffering produces and Paul, in the book of Romans, tell me that suffering produces perseverance. In some versions the word may be patience. The Greek word literally means "to abide under, to stay under the pressure." Pressure is something I want to get out from under, but suffering teaches me to stay under, to stick in there and hang with it...stick-to-itiveness- hanging in there no matter what! It's not easy to do. Usually when trials come the first thing I want to do is run! I don't want to hang around and stick with it. But I know I must because God wants me to learn a valuable lesson. He wants me to learn that even when trials come, He will be there. He won't leave me alone. He wants me to learn about His character but He also wants me to learn about myself. God wants me to learn about His grace and His mercy, too. As I watch Him work things out in ways I never expected, I learn the next time a trial comes that I can trust Him. I won't be tempted to panic or bail out. I become steady. I can persevere. Suffering produces steadiness. If I didn't suffer, I would never have that quality.

Second, not only does suffering produce steadiness but character. The Greek word for character carries with it the idea of being put to the test and approved. It is the idea of being shown to be reliable. Steadiness produces reliability. I will finally learn that I am not going to be destroyed, that things will work out. People learn that they can count on me...that I have strength...that I am reliable. God will stamp my behind with His seal - "Tested and approved."

Third, I know that reliability produces something. Suffering produces steadiness, steadiness produces reliability, and reliability produces hope. Paul spoke of "rejoicing in hope," the hope of sharing the glory of God, a hope for the future beyond death. But here is hope that I will share the glory of God, which is God's character, right now. I have the hope that God is producing the image of Christ in me right now. That's a great thing! And this hope is a certainty, not just a possibility. I am being changed. I can see myself changing a little each day. I am becoming more like Jesus. I can see that I am more thoughtful, more compassionate, more loving. I am being mellowed. I am becoming like Christ -- stronger, wiser, purer, more patient. To my amazement, a certainty grows in my heart that God is doing His work just as he promised. He is transforming me into the image of His Son. He is using my Cancer to conform me into His image and He can use your trial or health issue to do the same for you.

The final point Paul makes is that hope does not disappoint. Hope makes me confident. Hope, or certainty, produces confidence and boldness. I lose my fear of ridicule and shame, and I can speak up and share out of the reality of my experience of what God has brought me through. In the flesh, at the point of pain and suffering, it's natural to feel that God does not love me. It is easy to feel rejected. It's easy to get used to thinking that love is something that blesses me and warms me and takes care of me. It is almost impossible for me to think that I am being loved when I am hurting. It is hard for me to believe that the one who is doing the hurting is doing it out of genuine love for me. But God's love for me is beyond my comprehension. In the flesh, I feel broken, worthless, and forgotten. But this is where I must remember the cross.

The cross is where Christ suffered and died for me. So when Paul tells me that I must share in Christ's sufferings, he wants me to consider what Jesus did for me...for Bonnie. When I look at the cross, I see how ungodly I really am. I am not like God and I surely don't act like God. I see that I am a sinner. I have been involved in things that are hurtful. I have destroyed myself and others. I find myself lawless and selfish at times, and I know it was my sin that nailed Jesus to that cross. It was not His own sin, because He was sinless.

If you clearly knew God's love when you became a Christian -- when you were enemies and helpless and powerless -- how much more can you count on the fact that God loves you now that you are His child? Even though you might be suffering, even though you don't feel loved right now, even though it seems as though God is against you, how much more can you count on the fact that God loves you?

Paul is arguing from the greater to the lesser. If God could love you when it was so evident to you that you didn't deserve it, how much more must you count upon His love now that you know that you are dear to Him and loved by Him?

God helped me understand that this suffering wasn't allowed to come into my life because God was angry with me; it came because of His deep love for me! It came from the heart of a Father who is putting me through some development that I desperately need to grow into the kind of a person I desperately want to be. And He loves me enough that He will not let me off the hook, but will take me through it. Therefore it is not his anger that I am experiencing, but His love.

That is what Hebrews 12 argues, isn't it? If we have been disciplined by the fathers of our flesh, and we know they love us, why can't we believe that God loves us when He puts us through times of testing and pressure and suffering. When you see that truth, then you can rejoice, because you know that suffering will produce the things that make you what you want to be. "No discipline for the present is pleasant. But afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it," (Hebrews 12:11).

God's purpose in allowing Breast Cancer into my life has been to bring me into the state of righteousness that He wants me to attain. He wants me to learn and understand perseverance, steadiness, stability, and hope. He wants to teach me to stand firm under trial knowing that He is working on me. Just like a potter shapes a lifeless lump of clay into a beautiful, useful vessel or a stone smith chips away at an ugly rock transforming it into a beautiful semiprecious gem, God has specific intentions toward me and toward you. He uses suffering to teach valuable life lessons. He longs for us to be transformed into Christlikeness and the only way we He can do that is to allow us to participate in the sufferings of His Son. This is why we can rejoice in suffering. This is why I can give thanks for my Breast Cancer even though it's been so difficult! Just knowing that God chose my trial makes me willing to persevere. He never said it would be easy and it definitely hasn't been...but in the long run, I know it will be worthwhile. So I won't waste a minute of my pain. I will ask God to help me embrace it and even welcome it for I know He's using it to refine me into the image of His Son.

Sweet Christina passed away with a smile on her face. I wonder if it was because she was finally free from pain or was it what she saw at the very moment her life slipped from this world into the next? Was she smiling because she beheld her Savior's face? I think that is more than likely the case because sweet Christina had hope. She had faith. She fought the battle that had been chosen for her and even though it seems the Cancer won, I think Christina is the winner because she is free. Her pain was not wasted. Her life touched the lives of so many others. I was honored to call her my "pink sister" and my friend. Even though we never met in person, she greatly impacted my life. Please continue to pray for Christina's family in the days ahead. It will be so hard for them to go on living without her, but God has a plan. He had a great purpose for her pain. Her struggle will not be wasted.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive me for the days when I am so weak...for the days I struggle...when I am so exhausted that I all I do is sit and cry. Forgive me when I look inward instead of upward. Forgive me when I feel sorry for myself and when I focus on how I'm feeling instead of what I know to be true. Father, please give me strength to persevere. Please provide a way out when I'm tempted to wallow in self pity. Please send words of encouragement to strengthen me through your Word. Please provide people along my path who will love me in spite of myself and who will be willing to walk this journey with me, helping to hold me up when I just can't do it any more. Father, I want to be strong but I am so weak...please help me in my weakness. I know in your Word you say that when I am weak, You are strong...be my strength, today and always. It is hard for me to thank you for pain, but I will because I know You have allowed it into my life. I thank you that even though I can't see what you are doing, I can trust you because you are trustworthy and true. You are my hiding place. You are my shield and my protector. Thank you that you have not left me to fight this battle alone. In the days ahead, Lord, please give me wisdom to look for your hand. Help me not focus on the pain. Help me not dwell on things I can't change. Please fill my heart with love, even for those who have hurt me deeply, for you call us to love even our enemies. Gracious Heavenly Father, I don't understand why you have chosen this path for me, but please help me be obedient to walk it faithfully with you and to learn the lessons you want me to learn. I know that nothing you do is in vain. Oh Lord, thank you for loving me...for dying for me...for saving me. Thank you for everything you have done for me throughout my life, I am so humbly grateful. I love you, Lord...Amen.

PLEASE NOTE: I have removed some of the photos of Christina out of respect for her family and friends. I did keep one where she was so filled with joy because I wanted my readers to see what a beautiful woman she was. Cancer is a very personal and private matter but as survivors, we want our stories to count and I think Christina would have been pleased to know I shared a small portion of her story. She was a very valiant and brave warrior. I look forward to the day I can meet her in heaven.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

“‘Return home and tell how much God has done for you.’ So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.” Luke 8:39 (NIV)

As I sat in the church pew with my head bowed in prayer, I heard a voice reverberate so thunderously in my heart that it startled me.
The voice was blaringly loud, as if it had been announced over the loudspeakers. I opened my eyes surprised to see that no one else was taken aback. All was calm.
And so began my encounter with God.
I felt God speak loud and clear a short message that held life-altering repercussions. Three powerful, commanding words: “Go and share!”
I became overwhelmed with emotion. I was awestruck that God had spoken to me at all, but even more so at the three words I heard. Go and share? Go and share what?
Then it hit me. Fear immediately overwhelmed me and I sank into the pew, trembling at what I thought God might be asking. I began to question God, “Surely You can’t mean share my past, Lord. Surely You don’t mean go and share what I prefer to keep secret.” Yet, that is exactly what He meant. And I didn’t like it.
I didn’t want to go, much less share. I didn’t want to be transparent or vulnerable. I gratefully accepted His forgiveness and healing, but I wasn’t ready to accept His call to give me a purpose. The man who was healed from demon possession in today’s key verse experienced similar feelings.
This tormented man lived as an outcast for many years, naked and alone in the tombs of Gadara, near Galilee. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees and shouted at the top of his voice, begging for mercy from God. Jesus commanded the demons to leave him and then cast them into a herd of pigs that rushed down the steep bank into a lake and drowned. The man was healed physically, but more importantly, spiritually.
He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for what Jesus had done, he begged to travel with Jesus and stay by His side. But Jesus had other plans. Instead, Jesus told him to go and share his story. And he did.
What had once been a burden to bear became a powerful story of holy transformation. This man’s past, and the healing he experienced, became the foundation of a purpose in life that he would have never imagined — living his life as proof of the life-changing power of Jesus.
The man’s story became a testimony when he was willing to share it with others. How many people believed in Jesus and are now spending eternity with Him simply because this former demon-possessed man willingly allowed his terrible past to become a story of redemption and purpose?
People can deny Christ, dispute Scripture and ignore prophecy, but they cannot deny, dispute or ignore God’s transformational power in someone’s life. Our stories of pain, adversity and overcoming in Christ are meant to serve as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and power, evidence that God really can take what the devil meant for evil and use it for good.
I’ve since learned it is always God’s desire for us to go and share our stories, whether we want to or not.
God never wastes our pain. Only we do that. God has a plan for great purpose and a beautiful future for all who believe in Him. Not despite our past, but because of it.
Lord, help me find the courage and the desire to share what You have done in my life. Turn my past into my purpose and refuse to let my pain be for nothing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)
Isaiah 61:3, “… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/how-god-turns-your-past-into-purpose/#sthash.i0SW7BiO.dpuf

“‘Return home and tell how much God has done for you.’ So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.” Luke 8:39 (NIV)

As I sat in the church pew with my head bowed in prayer, I heard a voice reverberate so thunderously in my heart that it startled me.
The voice was blaringly loud, as if it had been announced over the loudspeakers. I opened my eyes surprised to see that no one else was taken aback. All was calm.
And so began my encounter with God.
I felt God speak loud and clear a short message that held life-altering repercussions. Three powerful, commanding words: “Go and share!”
I became overwhelmed with emotion. I was awestruck that God had spoken to me at all, but even more so at the three words I heard. Go and share? Go and share what?
Then it hit me. Fear immediately overwhelmed me and I sank into the pew, trembling at what I thought God might be asking. I began to question God, “Surely You can’t mean share my past, Lord. Surely You don’t mean go and share what I prefer to keep secret.” Yet, that is exactly what He meant. And I didn’t like it.
I didn’t want to go, much less share. I didn’t want to be transparent or vulnerable. I gratefully accepted His forgiveness and healing, but I wasn’t ready to accept His call to give me a purpose. The man who was healed from demon possession in today’s key verse experienced similar feelings.
This tormented man lived as an outcast for many years, naked and alone in the tombs of Gadara, near Galilee. When he saw Jesus, he fell to his knees and shouted at the top of his voice, begging for mercy from God. Jesus commanded the demons to leave him and then cast them into a herd of pigs that rushed down the steep bank into a lake and drowned. The man was healed physically, but more importantly, spiritually.
He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for what Jesus had done, he begged to travel with Jesus and stay by His side. But Jesus had other plans. Instead, Jesus told him to go and share his story. And he did.
What had once been a burden to bear became a powerful story of holy transformation. This man’s past, and the healing he experienced, became the foundation of a purpose in life that he would have never imagined — living his life as proof of the life-changing power of Jesus.
The man’s story became a testimony when he was willing to share it with others. How many people believed in Jesus and are now spending eternity with Him simply because this former demon-possessed man willingly allowed his terrible past to become a story of redemption and purpose?
People can deny Christ, dispute Scripture and ignore prophecy, but they cannot deny, dispute or ignore God’s transformational power in someone’s life. Our stories of pain, adversity and overcoming in Christ are meant to serve as a testimony of God’s faithfulness and power, evidence that God really can take what the devil meant for evil and use it for good.
I’ve since learned it is always God’s desire for us to go and share our stories, whether we want to or not.
God never wastes our pain. Only we do that. God has a plan for great purpose and a beautiful future for all who believe in Him. Not despite our past, but because of it.
Lord, help me find the courage and the desire to share what You have done in my life. Turn my past into my purpose and refuse to let my pain be for nothing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)
Isaiah 61:3, “… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” (NIV)
- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/how-god-turns-your-past-into-purpose/#sthash.i0SW7BiO.dpuf

Time to call in reinforcements

I don't even know where to begin...it's been a really rough week...and I thought I was doing so well. I know I told you I wasn't going to post until Monday but I just had to post today...I promised you I would keep it "real."

Yesterday was probably the lowest day I've had since finding out I had Breast Cancer. I spent most of the day crying and feeling worthless. I was able to hide how I was feeling from my youngest daughter, Jamie, who calls me several times a day...but, when my oldest daughter, Erin, called...the dam broke. I don't really know what she said that triggered it and that doesn't really matter; all that matters is that I realized that I was in big trouble. I was depressed. I was exhausted from not sleeping. I was being bombarded by the enemy and it was time to call in reinforcements.

Erin talked to me for a long time. I don't think she realized, at first, how serious the problem really was, but as we talked...it became increasingly clear to her. She is wise beyond her years, my Erin. She listened and she let me cry it out. I felt so badly for dumping all of my emotion on her...she's only got a couple of weeks left before giving birth to our 8th grandchild...she didn't need this extra added stress...but she let me spill over onto her broad shoulders. The more we talked, the more I saw it. I was sinking into the deep, dark quagmire of depression. This wasn't like me. I'm always so bright and cheerful...so filled with joy. What was going on? What was happening to me?

For months and months I haven't slept. I can't even tell you when the last time I had a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep would have been. Every single night I've had to rely on medication to even get a few hours of sleep. My Oncologist told me that I wouldn't heal properly without sleep so he prescribed a sleeping pill. He warned me not to use it for more than 2 weeks at a time because it was addictive. I was afraid to take it. I didn't want to become addicted to anything, but he insisted. The first week of taking it, I slept for about 6 hours a night but woke up several times to either go to the bathroom or readjust my mountain of pillows or turn down the air conditioner or something. After the first week, I felt like the medication was messing with my head...I wasn't remembering things very well and I didn't like feeling out of control, so I stopped taking it and began taking Benadryl instead. Benadryl is non habit forming, they said on TV. Benadryl worked for a few hours and then I was wide awake. I went like that for a couple of weeks and got progressively more tired, and more emotional. Something had to give. Phil was so tired of me tossing and turning all night long. He said I was about to "bounce him off the bed." I apologized. He said, "it's okay, don't worry about it," but I did. It wasn't just about tossing and turning all night...I could deal with that...I'd dealt with it for many, many nights...I was just really tired.

I read about insomnia and ways to combat it. One suggestion was to have a nighttime routine to prepare your mind and body to be ready for sleep. I began dimming the lights in the house an hour before I planned to go to bed. I turned off the TV and went in and turned down the bed. I tried to read for about 30 minutes to relax my body and hopefully drift off to sleep...I did everything the experts suggested but nothing worked. I began to dread going to bed even though I was so tired.  

I knew my body wasn't healing well. My arms continued to swell and I had no appetite whatsoever...that scared me...it's not normal not to be hungry for something...I didn't want anything...I even had to make myself drink water. I tried napping during the day, but I couldn't sleep. My brain just wouldn't shut off....my thoughts were running rampant through my mind. Every day Phil would come home from work and I would literally fall into his arms and bawl my eyes out because I was so extremely tired. Something had to give and it did...

Sobbing uncontrollably, I listened to Erin as she suggested that my bedtime routine might not be working. Instead of reading, she suggested I write in my journal, dumping all of my thoughts out in one continuous stream of thought...not worrying about grammar...not worrying about filtering anything...just writing...just allowing my thoughts to come forth...just letting them flow. She said I was probably just now being able to process what had actually happened to me since March, now that things had finally slowed down and my radiation treatment was over. That made sense...she was probably right. I hadn't really thought about all I'd been through. I had just been going through the motions...doing what I was told, when I was told. I'd been through a very traumatic experience. My life had been turned totally upside down. Nothing was normal now...everything had changed.

Erin talked to me in a very soft voice...so calming, so reassuring, so filled with love. She seemed to understand exactly what I was feeling...exactly what I was thinking. I know God was giving her the words to say and I was hearing them. I needed to hear them. She was helping me think things through. She suggested I try putting some lavender essential oils on the soles of my feet...lavender is a natural relaxant. I listened. She continued to offer advice and she continued to listen to me pour out my heart. The main thing that hit me was her statement, "you're going to be okay, Mom. It's okay to feel this way." Was I really going to be okay? I thought otherwise...I knew I needed help. I knew I needed reinforcements...that's when I asked for prayer.

I'm a firm believer in prayer. I know the power of prayer. I believe in interceding for others and I needed people to intercede for me. It was time to be raw and real with my friends. It was time to put the pride away and let them know I was really struggling, so I began to reach out. It was late, so I didn't call on the phone, but sent Facebook messages instead. My prayer warriors responded and they began to pray.

At 10:00 p.m., as Phil was watching the end of a TV show, I sat with my journal in another room and recorded one long continuous stream of thought...it filled 3 pages in my journal. I wrote until my hand was cramping and I could write no longer. I felt a little lighter when I finished. At 10:30 p.m. I went into the bedroom and got ready for bed. I put lavender oil on the soles of my feet and slipped on some socks. We adjusted the ceiling fan, turned out the light, and I slid under the down comforter. I offered up a silent prayer, asking God to give me a peaceful night's sleep. I slipped my ear plugs into my ears and slid my eye mask over my eyes. I lay there in silence waiting for sleep to come...and it did.

Around 3:45 a.m. I was awakened by a very vivid dream. I don't remember all of it but in the dream was my daughter, Erin, and myself. We were in a large house somewhere and we were trying to get rid of a snake. I remember distinctly that the snake was a reddish brown pattern and just as she was about to grab it by the tail, it turned and I realized it was a poisonous snake. At that moment in the dream, another snake entwined around the reddish brown snake and although I don't remember seeing it in my dream, I just knew the second snake was going to crush and kill the first snake.

As I got up to go to the bathroom, I realized that dream I'd just had was a spiritual warfare dream....and yes, I do believe in symbolism. God was showing me that my prayer warriors and I were doing battle with the forces of darkness...

I was able to go back to sleep and woke to the sun rising just before 8:00 a.m. I glanced over at Phil, who was sound asleep. I quietly slipped into my robe and gently padded barefoot into my office. I wanted to write about my night.

For some reason, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted. I feel like my nights of sleeplessness are finally over. I feel at peace and I feel rested today and that is a huge blessing! I know my prayer warriors are to thank for their intercession on my behalf.

For some, the power of prayer  has never been unlocked. They believe prayer is just a quick few rote sentences offered before a meal or before bed, but for those of us who have experienced answered prayer...we know that prayer is very powerful and very serious. Prayer is communication with Almighty God...the God who loves us and wants to help us. When we pray, we acknowledge Him...His power and His presence.

It wasn't a coincidence that I had a spiritual warfare dream after asking my friends to pray. Satan always tries to cause deception and confusion. He doesn't want us understand or to tap into the resource of prayer. I know from personal experience throughout my life that God does hear and does answer prayer. It may not always be the way we want Him to respond, but He does respond. Sometimes He answers yes, sometimes it's no, and sometimes it's wait.

I am thankful for faithful friends who share my prayer needs. I am also thankful for the right as sons and daughters of the Most High God that we can come boldly before the throne and present our requests without fear or hesitation. God longs for us to come to Him. He longs to commune with us and all we have to do is open our mouths and speak...

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16 (New King James Bible)

"And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." 1 John 5:15 (New American Standard Bible)