Eucharisteo

This is the word that can change everything: eucharisteo—it comes right out of the Gospel of Luke: “And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them … ” (Luke 22:19 NIV). In the original language, “he gave thanks” reads “eucharisteo.” The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning “grace.” Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks. He took the bread and knew it to be gift and gave thanks. Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning “joy.” Charis. Grace. Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving. Chara. Joy. Deep chara joy is found only at the table of the euCHARisteo; the table of thanksgiving. As we've begun this new year, I've decided to become intentional about learning how to live a life of eucharisteo...always giving thanks with a grateful heart. It isn't easy to choose to live life this way, when everything around you seems to scream out in negativity. Our world today is filled with unkindness and evil, but if you look hard enough...you can find a reason to give thanks.

Ann Voskamp, wrote a wonderful book in which she learned how to live a life of eucharisteo. As a child, she witnessed her sister being crushed under a truck. Immediately after that event, her mother checked herself into a psychiatric hospital and her father couldn’t find God.  She has experienced much pain in her life but even in the pain, she battles to believe that in God is joy, and that there are as many gifts amid the grittiness of life as in the moments of celebration. In her book, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare  to Live Fully Right Where You Are, Ann helps provide answers to tough questions like these:

• Where is joy in the midst of cruelty and chaos, duties and despair?
• How does one slow down enough for the soul and God to live in synch?
• How in the world do we learn to find God and live fully?

Every day of our lives, we must make choices on how we're going to get through difficult situations and circumstances. We can choose to be enveloped in the struggle or look for joy in the midst of it. Living a life of eucharisteo, is learning to live a life purposely looking for reasons to give thanks.

One of the best ways to begin living a life of eucharisteo, is to begin keeping a gratitude journal. It doesn't have to be anything fancy...a simple memo pad or notebook will do. If you've never kept a gratitude journal before, start off small. Look for just 3 things a day in which you can give thanks. By purposely jotting down a few items a day, you'll shift your focus from the negativity in the world around you to the positivity of what God is and always has been doing in your life. The journal will be your personal journey into seeing God's goodness. As you continue looking for those "gifts" each day, the ones in which you can give heartfelt thanks to God, I believe you'll find that you can begin to list more and more "gifts" each day. He gives us wonderful gifts of grace every single day. I think when we begin to intentionally list them and focus on them, our minds discover how very much He loves us and wants to bless us.

Let me give you an example of my three gifts of gratitude this morning:

•  As I looked in the mirror this morning, after my shower, I noticed the large, ugly scars across my chest. Cancer tried to kill me, but God in His magnificent grace said, "No! I'm not through with you yet! You will live." I am so thankful for the gift of life. 
• Three beautiful deer traipsed across my lawn this morning. I was thankful for the gift of eyesight for without it, I would never have seen them. 
• The dishwasher is full of dishes, which means we have had money to buy food, and we have had food to eat,  and we have been content. Thank you God for your provision!

Do you see how easy it is? When you start looking for things in which to be thankful, the blessings will be there. When you start writing them down, you'll see that you have become intentional in looking for ways to give thanks. If you need a little boost to get started, read Ann's book or you may even want to take her Joy Dare. My first time taking the Joy Dare was last year and I'm so glad I did!

The world is full of things that will pull you down and make you feel sad, lonely, and depressed. Instead of looking around at your circumstances, choose to look up to Christ instead. He loves you so much and He longs to bless you. Simple little blessings surround each of us daily. Look for them and you'll find them. I promise. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

In the wee small hours of the morning

In the wee small hours of the morning, while the whole wide world is fast asleep...
“In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning," a popular song from the 50's composed by David Mann, was introduced as the title track of Frank Sinatra’s 1955 album, "In the Wee Small Hours." I love this beautiful, sentimental song. In the wee small hours of THIS morning, I was fast asleep. I don't ever sleep well, so it's a miracle when I do fall into a very deep, peaceful sleep. Imagine my surprise, when I was startled awake. There was nothing to wake me that I know of, no loud noises, nothing to disturb my peaceful state...my husband wasn't even snoring...but I was instantly wide awake.

As I lay looking around the room in the darkness, my mind began to fill with thoughts. They came rushing in like an angry stampede. Headlines from yesterday's news came to mind...the senseless massacre in France, during a business meeting held at Charlie Hebdo's offices, where 12 innocent, unsuspecting people lost their lives, they had no idea, that within minutes, they would be spending their last seconds on earth...the shock, the terror, the chaos. I thought of their poor families and how in just an instant their lives would never be the same again. I wondered if the gunmen, after leaving their wake of destruction, were off celebrating somewhere with their black shrouded comrades while chanting, "Allahu Akbar." Senseless. So Senseless...and then the verse, "and because iniquity shall abound, the love of many will wax cold" from Matthew Chapter 24 verse 12 came to mind. My brain was spinning. Thoughts came rushing in from all sides. It was as if a dam had been opened and the flood waters were headed straight for me...washing over me, enveloping, almost to the point of drowning me. 

I got out of bed and flipped on the light. I was wide awake so I might as well get up. (I'd read somewhere that if you were unable to sleep it was better to go ahead and get out of bed...so I did.) Throwing back the down comforter, I left the cozy warmth of my bed and padded across the carpeted floor to get dressed. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was only a little after 5:00 a.m. now. I'd been awake since just before 4:00 a.m. That meant I'd only had five hours of sleep, yet I was wide awake...fully coherent and functioning.

Now I sit at my computer. The quiet glides easily through the house. I hear the rush of traffic outside my window as commuters begin to make their way to their offices. I wonder if any of them have given a second thought to the employees who lost their lives yesterday. I wonder how many of them are listening to the radio...how many are hearing the world news right now, probably not many. I imagine most commuters flip on their CD players or satellite radio to hear their favorite tunes before arriving at their workplace...to drown out the thoughts in their heads...to just relax and mellow. It's probably too early for them to take on the heaviness of the world's problems just yet, and still time ticks on. 

Time. Precious seconds, minutes and hours. It slips away so silently. I wish I could bottle it and save it but instead I have to teach myself to learn to savor it, like a fine wine...swirling it around and watching it's color, sniffing the sweet nectar of it and then slowly, deliberately tasting it...allowing it to wet my mouth with its flavor. 

I glance at the clock on my computer. It's almost 7:00 a.m. now. Where are those three hours, the ones I'd lost between waking and now? Do you see how fast they've disappeared? But Chaucer once said, "time and tide wait for no man." And how very true that statement is, was, and forever will be. Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking... into the future...

After writing my blog post, my mind felt a little lighter. Maybe I needed to dump out all the thoughts I was thinking and that's why I woke up so early. But then again, I was reminded of another verse of Scripture... 

^"When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul." Psalm 94:19 Hmmm...now that's something to think about!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

And here's a quotation that I love by one of my favorite authors, Pastor Andrew Murray: 

"Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, or irritable, To wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing that is done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Creator and Sustainer in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble."

Andrew Murray

 

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A Society of Boobless Women

Every single day I hear of another woman who's been diagnosed with breast cancer. It breaks my heart. It's in the newspapers, on the internet, on TV talk shows, etc. etc. Why does it seem that it's becoming an epidemic? Perhaps I am just more aware of it now that I've become part of the army of pink. Have you felt it too?

For every woman in the public eye that is diagnosed and makes her story known, there are hundreds even thousands of other women who find out they have breast cancer but never share their news openly with anyone other than friends or family. The public figures, like Patricia Nixon (from Sex and the City), Kathy Bates, Hota Kotb, Lynn Redgrave, Nancy Reagan, just to name a few, help viewers understand the tragedy of breast cancer and that's a good thing; but what about all those "unknown" women who gain no notoriety other than being someone's wife, mother, or friend? The more and more I see and hear of newly diagnosed women, the more I can't help but wonder if one day we're going to have a totally boobless society of women.

What is causing these massive amounts of breast cancer? It has to be something that all of us have in common...something we do every day, something we use every day, something we smell or taste or touch. Once there were concerns with deodorant - that the Aluminum contained in those products could increase the risk of breast cancer. The aluminum works by closing or blocking pores but where does the aluminum go once rolled or sprayed or rubbed on? There's also been concern over the use of hair dyes in women, sugar, food preservatives, genetics, smoking, and the list goes on and on.

To date, no one has found the real cause of breast cancer and therefore, women remain at risk. But, women aren't the only ones who can get breast cancer, surprisingly men can too! I was in the waiting room at my breast surgeon's office for a post surgical appointment several months ago when I noticed a rather large man come into the office. He was with his wife, a tiny slip of a thing, and I assumed she was the patient (you know what they say about assuming don't you...) until I noticed the JP drain tube sticking out of his shirt sleeve. (A JP drain, for those of you who haven't experienced breast surgery, is a type of drain bulb that allows fluid and blood to collect from the surgical wound site. The fluids travel down a clear plastic tubing and are deposited in a clear, grenade looking bulb.) I was so surprised to see the tube and the expression on my face reflected what the other women in the waiting room were hiding in their thoughts. A few minutes later, I heard the man explaining to someone in the waiting room that he'd just had a mastectomy. I had no idea that men got mastectomies too! With women, it's become pretty commonplace but men? Wow! I imagine that was a hard thing for his wife to grasp. I also imagine it was even harder for this big, burly man to have to call in to work and tell them that he had breast cancer and was going to have to have some time off for surgery. I'm sure he was the brunt of many tasteless jokes in the break room while he was gone.

I am very concerned. I am concerned not only about our society of beautiful women, but I'm concerned about my daughters and my granddaughters. I don't want any of them to ever experience the trauma of having to have a mastectomy done. So what are we to do, to keep our sweet girls from becoming statistics in a society of boobless women? The only thing I can recommend is for all of us to become proactive. We need to protect our boobs and the best way to protect them is to check them on a monthly basis.

It's so important for women of all ages to know the proper way to perform a breast self exam. I just recently sent out breast self exam door hangers to my daughters and closest friends. It was a laminated instruction card that provided very detailed and clear instructions on how to properly examine your breasts. It also had little monthly punch out circles along the bottom of the card so you could keep a record of which months you'd completed. I hope, when they received it, they understood my concern. Breast surgery is extremely painful and difficult. I don't ever want any of my family or friends to go through it.

So let's do everything we can to stop the madness! We don't want our girls to grow up in a society of boobless women. God made women with breasts to nourish and feed their children, along with many other reasons. We need to protect ourselves by becoming knowledgeable. I keep on praying that one day soon, one of the amazing scientists out there will discover the real cause behind these massive cases of breast cancer, but until they do, we need to start a campaign to SAVE THE TATAS.

Can you imagine how a society of boobless women would effect our world? While breast cancer is prevalent in many countries, it seems America has more than it's fair share of patients. There has to be a better way to deal with breast cancer - a better way than just loping them off. Sure, many women are able to get lumpectomies instead of having radical surgery but many of those women end up having more surgeries later down the road and often end up with a mastectomy anyway.

Please be informed. Please read articles on breast cancer research. Please do monthly self exams and if you do find something, PLEASE see a doctor immediately. You are your own best health advocate. You have to fight to make sure you get the care you deserve. If you find a lump and the doctor says, oh, let's watch it...it's nothing to worry about...don't settle for that! Demand more testing be done. Demand a biopsy even if the mammogram looks okay. If you feel in your gut that something is not quite right, it probably isn't. Stand up for yourself!

I'll step down off my soapbox now but hopefully you see my point. If we don't wake up and do something, we ARE going to have a society of BOOBLESS women. No one wants that, do they?

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 How to do a breast self exam

Do antiperspirants cause breast cancer in women?


Here are some startling statistics for you from the BreastCancer.org website:
***these were recorded in September 2014***

• About 1 in 8 U.S. women (about 12%) will develop invasive breast cancer over the course of her lifetime.
• In 2014, an estimated 232,670 new cases of invasive breast cancer were expected to be diagnosed in women in the U.S., along with 62,570 new cases of non-invasive (in situ) breast cancer.
• About 2,360 new cases of invasive breast cancer were expected to be diagnosed in men in 2014. A man’s lifetime risk of breast cancer is about 1 in 1,000.
• About 40,000 women in the U.S. were expected to die in 2014 from breast cancer, though death rates have been decreasing since 1989 — with larger decreases in women under 50. These decreases are thought to be the result of treatment advances, earlier detection through screening, and increased awareness.
• For women in the U.S., breast cancer death rates are higher than those for any other cancer, besides lung cancer.
• Besides skin cancer, breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer among American women. Just under 30% of cancers in women are breast cancers.
• White women are slightly more likely to develop breast cancer than African-American women. However, in women under 45, breast cancer is more common in African-American women than white women. Overall, African-American women are more likely to die of breast cancer. Asian, Hispanic, and Native-American women have a lower risk of developing and dying from breast cancer.
• In 2014, there were more than 2.8 million women with a history of breast cancer in the U.S. This includes women currently being treated and women who have finished treatment.
• A woman’s risk of breast cancer approximately doubles if she has a first-degree relative (mother, sister, daughter) who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. About 15% of women who get breast cancer have a family member diagnosed with it.
• About 5-10% of breast cancers can be linked to gene mutations (abnormal changes) inherited from one’s mother or father. Mutations of the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes are the most common. Women with a BRCA1 mutation have a 55-65% risk of developing breast cancer before age 70, and often at a younger age that it typically develops. For women with a BRCA2 mutation, this risk is 45%. An increased ovarian cancer risk is also associated with these genetic mutations. In men, BRCA2 mutations are associated with a lifetime breast cancer risk of about 6%; BRCA1 mutations are a less frequent cause of breast cancer in men.
• About 85% of breast cancers occur in women who have no family history of breast cancer. These occur due to genetic mutations that happen as a result of the aging process and life in general, rather than inherited mutations.
• The most significant risk factors for breast cancer are gender (being a woman) and age (growing older).

 

Space Cadet-ish

Space cadet:

n. A person who tends to "space out" often. He or she does not respond when directly spoken to. The space cadet is not necessarily a person of low intelligence or a heavy drug user, but rather one who is so easily lost in reverie that he or she loses all awareness of the surrounding physical world.

Yep...that's me. I haven't been able to focus on anything over the past few weeks, and while that's not too unusual, since I have probably been this way to one degree or another since I was a child, I've noticed it more of a problem recently. I have no explanation. I could try to blame in on the new medication, Tamoxifen, or I could try to blame it on post surgical depression and truth be told, it's probably a combination of both...but, I just have no desire to do anything.

To give you an example of how spacey I've been feeling, I actually deleted my blog this morning. I thought it was time to take it down. I figured no one was reading it but a few family members and maybe one or two friends, so why keep it going? Why would anyone want to read it anyway? It's full of ramblings and occasionally a philosophical post or two. I've tried to infuse my strong faith in God in most of my posts, but often, I've fallen short and have just written exactly what I was thinking at the time. No train of thought...nothing cohesive. I pity you for being here reading today if you are, because I have no unearthly idea where this post is going right now. 

The hot flashes and night sweats from the Tamoxifen have been about to drive me insane. I've already been there and done that when I went through menopause about 10 years ago. I certainly don't want to experience those symptoms again! I've even noticed some mood swings and being back on the emotional roller coaster again...oh what a fun ride, NOT! My breast surgeon told me when I was there for my 6 month check up that she would be happy to write a prescription for Effexor for me. She said it practically eliminates the hot flashes and other symptoms related to Tamoxifen. But I looked it up. Thanks Google....thanks for giving me more information I didn't need to know. Effexor is an anti-depressant. Oh. Well, I guess I could need that but why would they prescribe it for the side effects from Tamoxifen? I did more research. Apparently, Effexor has the magical medicinal properties that cancel out those hot flashes etc. because it can overpower your brain and do some weird VOODOO on your Serotonin levels making you feel good...real good. Hmm. 

If I'm a space cadet now, I wonder how I would be while taking Effexor. Would I just be a happy little space cadet? Would I just be happy to have no direction or purpose? I guess the Serotonin levels being bumped up a little couldn't be a bad thing could it? But then, I think about all the medications I am currently taking...there are 3 blood pressure meds, the medication to replace my thyroid hormone, the medication to control my acid reflux/GERD, the medication to chill out my adrenal gland hormones, the Tamoxifen - to supposedly ward off any recurring cancer by binding to and blocking any production of Estrogen in my body, and then there are all the vitamins I have to take...Potassium, Magnesium, Vitamin D, and Calcium, none of which are optional because they support the work that some of the other medications are doing.

I think I'm on a Ferris Wheel. I can see the empty seats in front of me and I know there are empty seats in back of me, even though I don't want to look and see them. The guy is about to throw the switch. I see him with the huge lever in his hands as I look way down from my position at the top. Is that a grin on his face? I think it is! My seat is starting to rock slowly backward and forward even before we begin moving. I'm trying to keep still as much as I can but it's futile. Suddenly, the lights come on along the edge of the Ferris Wheel. They look pretty! They're glowing like twinkly little Christmas lights. The music begins to play, an indescribable, unfamiliar circus tune and then....I want to get off. I know where this is going...nowhere. It's going to go around and around and around. I won't be getting anywhere. I won't be making any progress. I'm feeling a little light headed. 

So should I or shouldn't I? Do I need the new medication to help with my spaciness? I don't know. I'm afraid to take another medication. With all the ones I'm on and with all of their side effects, how can I even function? It's a wonder I can function at all...prescription medications aren't so very different from street drugs other than they are a little more controlled and regulated. They all mess with your mind and I want to keep my mind as clear as possible. I want to be able to think and remember what I was thinking. I want to keep a train of thought. I don't want to feel spacey. 

And here I am on a rainy, dreary, Sunday afternoon wondering what to do. I reinstated my blog, as you can see, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this today. I want to keep it. It's a kind of therapy. It lets me process my thoughts and nobody has to read it unless they really want to read it, but maybe, just maybe, there's someone else out there who feels the way I do at times and perhaps my blog will help them in some small way. I sure hope so. 

William Shakespeare said "Give sorrow words, the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break." I guess I'm still feeling the side effects of the emotional trauma from my surgery. Daily I feel the physical trauma but it's easier to deal with than the emotional aspects of breast cancer. I am still grieving the loss of the life I once had. For some, that may seem silly. They may take the attitude, "just suck it up and get over it. Be thankful you're alive. Be thankful they found the cancer in time. You should be overjoyed." Well, unless you've traveled a mile in my moccasins, don't judge me. I'm doing the best I can. Some days are better than others but today, I'm a little spacey. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day.

Why do I suddenly feel the need to speak in movie lines right now. I just thought about Scarlett O'Hara and her famous movie line as she lies crying on the beautiful red carpeted staircase. She's lying there bawling and hearing the voice of her father telling her that land is the only thing that lasts, the only thing that matters. She listens intently and starts thinking about returning to Tara, her beloved home, and devising a plan to get Rhett Butler back. As the movie ends, Scarlett raises her tearful face and says..."After all, tomorrow is another day." Her comment implies there is hope...there's always hope. And I know there is. I haven't given up, I'm just on the ferris wheel trying to get there. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

I need a little prayer today

Today I'm struggling. I woke up feeling like I'd been run over by a Mack truck. Every move I made took great effort...my muscles were screaming out in pain. Yesterday, my husband and I did a little hiking. I had wanted to get out of the house and just "do" something. So we decided to take a little jaunt. We drove all over the surrounding areas enjoying the sights. I had brought my camera along and was able to get a few good photos of country life, too. We found a beautiful, quaint little town called Serenbe in Palmetto, Georgia. “Serenbe is a utopian experiment in New Urbanism being molded out of Georgia red clay," says a reporter with the New York Times and I'm inclined to agree with him. Any and everything you could want is in that tight knit little community. It has the best of both worlds, all the amenities of city life with beautiful green space and hiking trails, too. 

 

As we wandered through Serenbe, we found cute little shops, restaurants, and beautiful homes. We found some hiking trails that meandered through the woods, too. Since we're both avid hikers, we decided to stop and pick up a few trails. As we sauntered down the pine straw laden floors of the forest, we realized how much we've missed being out in the woods. It's been many months since we've had a good hike. We didn't stay out long because it was the first time out since my surgery and hubs was worried that I might get over tired...and he was right but I didn't realize it until today.

 

On top of my muscle pain, I'm also dealing with discomfort from scar tissue and a seroma. I wrote about this in one of my earlier posts so I won't go into more detail about it here other than to say we're trying gentle massage to see if the scar tissue will loosen up and the fluid will disperse. If it doesn't, I'll have to have it drained with a syringe. I don't relish having to have that done. 

It's not something I usually do in my blog but today, I'd like to ask for a little prayer. It's been tough getting adjusted to the Tamoxifen and the side effects that have come with it like severe headaches, nausea, and fatigue. I don't like feeling "sick." I'm used to feeling pretty good and when I feel like this, I am reminded that my health isn't so great right now. 

 

This has been a tough season for me and I've been struggling over how I can pursue healing without making health an idol. In other words, when navigating a broken world and you find yourself in a dark, hurtful place of pain, how do you respond in such a way that you do not get distracted by wanting deliverance more than you want the Deliverer?

 

Last month, a friend posted an answered prayer to a health crisis on her Facebook wall. The first comment read, “God is good!” Yes, God IS good. But when I see that kind of response to good news, I always think, yes, but what if the health crisis had ended in tragedy? I wonder if that person would have commented along these lines, “Horrible news. God is bad.” I'm sure they wouldn't have, but you can't help but think it. Sometimes, when we say, "God is good" isn't our meaning more along the lines of  “Yippee! We got what we wanted—isn’t that awesome?! God is good because He answered our prayer the way we asked him to answer it.”

Many people have uttered the phrase, "If God is so good, why does He let bad things happen?"
I’ve experienced enough struggle and sadness in my life to know the answer. I don’t want a God who is limited to my understanding of good. I actually want a God who works in mysterious ways, who uses suffering to produce beauty, who understands that good always trumps evil, who won’t let me be satisfied with a superficial goodness that I use to measure how happy I am in the moment. I want to trust a God who fights for goodness in my life by providing journeys that walk through muck and mire. I don’t want to be satisfied with Him just giving me what I want to get me by. I want to hurt, yearn, and suffer so that I can experience the depth of peace and  hope and eventual redemption. That is Goodness! ...Or so I say.

Yes, I'm hurting physically right now but nothing like the pain an internet friend of mine is experiencing. You've seen my most recent posts about Kara Tippetts, the young mother who is in the last stages of metastatic cancer...the beautiful, brave, woman of faith who is fighting for every last second she can have with her family. She is in excruciating pain. My pain pales in comparison to hers and I am ashamed to even admit I have pain. I have cried out to God on her behalf asking for a miracle. Asking for Him to allow her to live and to restore her to good health and even while I'm asking, I know this isn't His plan. He has used her life of pain and suffering to show others her marvelous faith and His great sovereignty. 

I've dreamed about Kara a lot lately. A few nights ago, I imagined her lying on her bed with her family gathered around. It was dark and she was crying out in pain, unbearable pain. I kept thinking to myself, there must be a way to help her...and then I realized, I was wanting deliverance for her more than the Deliverer. But God never promises us good health. He never promises that we'll accomplish all of our goals or that all of our dreams will come true. He doesn't promise that if we work hard enough, everything will turn out the way we want them too....no, He only promises His grace. Now back to my dream...there is my friend, in the depths of despair, I am praying that God will deliver her. I know that my prayer is in line with God's will because the Bible teaches us to ask our Father for what we need. But if I am trying to figure out a way to solve her problems for her, it wouldn't fix everything. Her heart would still be broken. She doesn’t just need deliverance—she needs her Deliverer. Only God can heal her heart, draw her close, shower her with unconditional love, provide hope for her weary heart. Isn’t that what I really want for her? Isn’t that what I really want for myself? Her struggle doesn’t mean God isn’t good. It means just the opposite—it means that God is pursuing her, drawing her to Himself, proving His great love to her, wiping the tears from her eyes, filling her heart with hope, calming her spirit with peace. That is Grace. And what is better than Grace? Nothing.

So would you say a little prayer for me today and would you say a big one for Kara? Pray that God will be her strength as her life draws to a close. Pray that she will cling to her Deliverer and never let Him go. Pray for her family to be able to comfort each other with the comfort they have been given through Christ. Hard days are ahead for all of them, but God is good. He will be enough for all of them. And He is enough for me, even when my health needs are small compared to hers. He cares about every need and loves us all the same.

New beginnings

The first day of the New Year has come and with it, comes a deep desire for me to sit at my Savior's feet letting my heart spill out into His lap. I have been so weighed down with burdens. There is so much to pray for in this lonely, lost and hurting world. There is so much pain amid those I know and love...so many trials...so much suffering... but as I think about those things, I can't help but realize it is impossible to experience the depth of the God's care without pain in our lives. And perhaps that is why He allows it...to teach us to trust. He is our burden bearer. Psalm 68:19 says, Praise be to the LORD, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." He wants to carry our burdens for us! Otherwise, why would He have said, in Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy [i.e., easy fitting], and my burden is light." He never intended for us to carry our burdens alone.
 
As I thought about the ones I wanted to lift up to the throne this morning, I couldn't help but think of Kara Tippetts, the young mother of 4 who is dying of stage 4 breast cancer.  Kara's family and friends have rallied around her as hospice care has begun. Any day now, I expect to receive word that she has gone home to glory. She is my sister, my friend, although I've never had the honor to meet her in person. I put myself in her place and try to imagine how I would feel if I were on my death bed struggling to take my last breath...longing to remain in this world so I could be with my children and loved ones but then, also reaching out to take Jesus' hand and cross into the next world, a world with no more pain. I can imagine the brokenness of her heart as she looks upon the sweet faces of her little ones, knowing they'll grow up without a mother...the deep wounded hurt of knowing she will have to leave her soul mate, her husband, alone and with so much responsibility. And even amid her dying, Kara has a deep understanding of all God has required of her...over the past couple of years of struggle, all the things she's endured to prolong her life... she's fought a good fight and allowed Jesus to shine through her every step of the way. Oh my heart breaks for her! She's had more than her share of suffering.

What an honor to intercede on behalf of those we love by taking their needs to the throne of Grace. What a privilege to call upon Jesus in the midst of their trials. For one friend, I'm asking Jesus to be her light in the midst of a dark despair that has been closing in on her from all sides. For another, that He'll be her comfort as she continues to grieve over the loss of her husband...and then, there's the friend who needs restoration of her marriage. The list goes on and on. Do you have friends who need prayer? Are there those in your family who need intercession? I am sure there are and I bet your list looks something like this, too.

What I’ve come to understand is that in this broken world, brokenness is normal. We can’t escape it. Some people experience much brokenness in their lives and others are barely touched by it at all. If life were what we wanted, if we had everything we desired, there would be no need for a Messiah, no need for Emmanuel - God with us.When I feel overwhelmed by the hurt and pain in my life, and I think the brokenness might suffocate me, God reminds me that He is still present. That He sees all of it and nothing escapes His attention, not even one single tear. He reminds me that all of this will soon pass away and every tear shall be wiped away and replaced with unending joy and hope...with His perfect peace. 

Have you ever noticed that the people who are the most madly in love with Jesus and the ones who seem to be the closest to Him are the ones who have experienced big hurts in their lives? Pain and suffering drive us into the arms of Jesus because that is where we find hope...comfort...and BIG GIANT LOVE. For those who know Him, for those who have learned of Him, they know that even when the hard times come, they aren't alone. That is why they can still find hope...they can smile even when things are difficult...they can still trust.

So today, as I reflect on the past, on the moments when Christ kept me, blessed me, comforted me, protected me...I give thanks. I will choose to feast on His love and remember that even though there is pain and suffering in this world, there is also great love. Even though there are trials and suffering, there is hope. And even in the midst of what seems to be a very hopeless place, God is still there. He is waiting. He is ready. He is willing...to meet your needs, to be your comforter, to give you strength, to supply you with an endless bounty of His goodness if you will just take His hand and trust Him.

Let this new year be a year of fresh beginnings. Let the things of the past go...all the hurts, all the bitterness...all the unforgiveness...let it go. Let God be your healing balm. Let His love wash over you and soothe all the sore places. Let Him make you whole and complete so you can go out into this hurting, broken world and show others that HE IS LOVE.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The last day of 2014, a time of reflection

Another year draws to a close and today I will spend the day reflecting. This year has been filled with change and many unexpected events. It's been filled with difficulties but along with the hard times came times of great blessing. 

In January, my husband and I began thinking seriously about putting our house on the market. We'd lived there for over 21 years. The house was too big for just the two of us and we needed to live a little closer to my husband's workplace. His company had moved 2 years prior forcing him to drive a 100 mile round trip daily just to get to work and home again. The wear and tear on our vehicles was rough but the mental wear and tear on my husband was even rougher. Driving in Atlanta traffic for just a few minutes is enough to drive anyone mad...can you imagine having to be in it for an hour each morning and then another hour during rush hour in the evening? It was total insanity. 

Our home was built in 1973, so needless to say, it wasn't very modern. There was oak paneling in the family room, hardwood floors throughout, 4 bedrooms, 3 full baths, a full finished basement, screened porch and deck but all of it was very dated. We'd done our best to remodel and revamp, but still we had no idea that anyone would want a home built in the 70's. We began painting and replacing flooring. We walked through the house thinking "what would I change if I were looking at this house as a perspective buyer?" Every thing we noticed and thought needed changing got changed. 

In February, toward the end of the month, we decided it was time to put the house on the market. We contacted a real estate agent and had her come and walk through the house. We asked her advice on a listing price and whether or not she thought the house would sell. She assured us it was a "buyer's market" and she was sure the house would sell quickly. We had no idea how quickly it would sell. 

We had the house on the market for 2 days before we had a contract on it. God knew it was the perfect time and He answered our prayers to send the "right people" to buy our home. We were dumbfounded that it happened so quickly. We were even more amazed when the buyers did not ask for any major repairs or renovations. They loved the house exactly as it was at the time. Of course, we were asked to do some small upgrades like installing GFCI receptacles in kitchen and bathrooms and a few other things, but nothing major. 

With the house under contract, we began frantically looking for a new home in the area where my husband worked. At the time we were looking, there was NOTHING for sale. We waited a week and tried again. This time we found a few homes on the market that were currently occupied. We looked and looked but couldn't find anything that met our needs. Finally, the first week of March, we found a new build that had just been completed and immediately put a contract on it. We got our contract in just minutes before another couple tried...we knew that was God's perfect timing once again.

Packing up 21 years of stuff in less than a month was a huge feat. I began going through every single room, drawer by drawer, and reevaluating material possessions. I began donating and giving away things we no longer felt we needed. I was able to cut our possessions in half. I packed like a mad woman and had boxes along one wall of each room in the house, trying to make it easy on the movers. We gave and gave and gave until we had nothing left to give. Our neighbors received the blessings with happy smiles and thankful hearts.

One day, during an early morning shower, in March, I felt a hard mass in my right breast as I was soaping up. I regularly got yearly mammograms but never did breast self exams so I was shocked to actually feel something. I didn't give it too much thought in the days that passed since I was focused on packing and preparing for our move. About a week later, I mentioned to my husband that I'd found "something" in my breast. I let him feel it and he said, "you'd better get that checked out." I made a mental note to do that. 

We closed on our house and moved in by the end of March. It was exciting to be starting our new, "downsized" life. My daughters helped us unpack and get everything neatly arranged and organized and soon, we were feeling at home in our new place. It took some time to get used to our new surroundings...finding new grocery stores, finding new shopping malls, just learning our way around, but things fell into place. God gave us a peace that this is where He wanted us to be.

One day, mid April, I heard this nagging voice inside my head reminding me that I needed to get that mass in my breast checked out. I didn't know any doctors in this new city. I didn't know anyone at all other than my husband. I got on the internet and began doing a search. Finally I found a doctor fairly close by and set up an appointment. One of my daughters agreed to go with me to the appointment, she knew I was very afraid. 

The appointment date was for May 27. When I went in to see the new doc, even before she examined me, I had a gut feeling it was cancer. Upon palpitation, the doctor said it felt like a fluid filled cyst and that I shouldn't be too worried but she wanted to check it out anyway. She scheduled me for a diagnostic mammogram the very next day. On May 28, I had 2 diagnostic mammograms done as well as an ultrasound. The radiologist didn't like what he saw and told me I needed to have the mass biopsied. 

June 2, I went to the medical center for a core needle biopsy. Again, my precious daughter was with me for moral support. It was a painful procedure and I was really scared. On Thursday, June 5, at 4:25 in the afternoon, I got the dreaded call that informed me I indeed had breast cancer. At that very moment, I felt like I was on the outside looking in at someone else's life. I never, in a million years, dreamed that I would have cancer although I knew in my heart, on the day I first felt it, that it was true. On June 11, I met with the breast surgeon to discuss my options and after meeting with her, decided to have a bilateral mastectomy performed. God gave me such a peace that day. I've never felt anything like it before but I just knew that everything was going to be okay.

July 3, I had to go to the hospital for pre-operative procedures and on July 8, I had to return for dye injections that would illuminate the "hot spots" in any lymph nodes near my breasts. The evening of the 8th, I became very sad and tearful. My whole world was about to change. On July 9th, I went in for surgery and cancer marked me forever.  Recovery was very difficult and the first few weeks were the most painful. It was a challenge to daily strip and drain the bulbs that had been inserted at the surgical wound sites. Thankfully, my husband and two of my girls helped me get through it. God provided 3 new friends for me during the next two weeks. One of them I met through a breast cancer survivor website. She was so helpful and kind. She traveled all the way from Smyrna to come visit me and answer a zillion questions. Another of my new friends was one of my husband's old classmates from high school and she'd found us through Facebook. She and one of her friends, a fellow breast cancer survivor, came to visit and brought several meals to us. Their love and encouragement were unexpected blessings. God prompted them to come support us and we were very thankful.

August brought many more visits to doctors...followups with the breast surgeon, new visits with the Radiation Oncologist and my new Oncologist. I also began Lymphedema treatments and manual lymphatic drainage during this time. I was fitted for my prostheses and got new mastectomy bras. Throughout every new challenge that came my way, God provided His perfect peace. 

September brought radiation treatments and lots of them. I had treatments Monday through Friday for 28 days and then had a few days off when my skin got so terribly burned that it began peeling off. My energy level went from 100 to zilch in just a few weeks and I found that radiation sickness was not something to take lightly. Every movement I made took a huge effort. I felt like I was an old, old woman. Radiation continued into the third week of October and new challenges came. My heart began skipping beats and I had to wear a heart monitor for several days. The cardiologist wasn't sure if the radiation may have affected my heart, but since it was in the field where the radiation was beamed, he wanted to do everything possible to ensure I would be okay. 

October was a month I dreaded because of the pink everywhere! (October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.) As I continued my radiation treatments, I tried my best to realize that I was coming down the home stretch. 

November was filled with more doctor appointments and followup visits. On the 14th of the month, I began taking an aromatase inhibitor, Arimidex, which was supposed to block the production of Estrogen in my body and keep cancer cells from growing. That medication brought on a whole new set of challenges and after two weeks, the doctor was taking me off of it. Thanksgiving was a very special time with loved ones. We thanked God for the many blessings He had provided throughout the year...for the wisdom and guidance of the medical staff who'd cared for me and for them taking such good care of us. 

December was a joy filled month, as we prepared to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Christmas music and decorations helped usher in the special day. We were surrounded by family love which made each moment memorable. On December 27, I began taking Tamoxifen, another chemotherapy drug, to block Estrogen in my body, and once again, the challenges of side effects have come. 

Throughout each month, there have been challenges, but God has met them with His awesome provision and power. I have felt His peace surrounding me and guiding me on this journey. He's never left me alone. Sure there have been days where I've done nothing but cry all day long as I've held my own pity party, but those days don't come often. I have been learning to keep my eyes fixed on Christ instead of focusing on my current circumstances and when I do that, I realize that my suffering is NOTHING in comparison to what He did for me on the cross. 

This year has hurried by although some days felt as if they would never end. I can hardly believe we're at the end of 2014. In my last post, I wrote about looking in the "rear view mirror" and how, if we're not careful, we can lose our perspective and fall off the path of where today is taking us. In 2015, I want my focus to be very mindful. I want to make each moment count. I don't want to look behind and I don't want to look ahead...I want to focus on what God is doing at that exact moment in my life. I know He has great plans for me. I don't ever think any form of suffering is wasted. God uses it to teach us about His mercy. I have learned so much more than I could ever share in a blog post and I am so grateful for this past year although I never expected to experience any of the things I did. And so, I will leave you with my New Year's prayer. Hopefully it will touch your heart and prompt you to pray your own. May God fill you with His richest blessings and may you find His perfect peace sustaining you as you enter into the new year. In the words of an old Southern Baptist hymn, "Every day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before!"

Oh Gracious Heavenly Father,
Oh how I thank you for bringing me through another year of my life. Lord there have been some very scary moments and some really happy ones, too. Lord…I thank you so much that I am your child and you are my Father. You have been by my side throughout this year. As I focused my mind on You…You filled me with so much peace, and oh, the grace! I can't forget the grace you offered to me daily. Every day Your mercy was there to greet me in the morning. Your faithfulness was overwhelming to me. I never would have made it…without You!

Lord the greatest lesson I have learned this year is to trust You completely. When I started writing this blog…I didn’t know that talking with You so much and having to dig into Your Word would have such a profound effect on me. I learned more about you than I have ever learned in the past. Throughout all my years of walking with You, now I find that I’m more focused and less stressed. When troubles came my way it was easier to just cast my burdens on You and trust that You would be there for me and you were. Lord this year, we experienced loss in our family but even still, You’ve given my family so much comfort. We have so much peace knowing that our loved one is with you. Father God…I saw so many miracles this year that You have done in my life and in the lives of others. I have shared your miracles publicly because I want you to receive the glory. I want others to see that You indeed do take care of your children.

I’m so glad that You are not a far away God…that you are an ever present God. You are here with me and I feel Your presence. That presence has been here for the past 365 days of this year. You did not miss a single day, minute or a second of my life. I was totally covered with Your love. God… this is the last day of the year and I just want to express all my thanks to You for bringing me through another year. Thank you for being so faithful to me. You promised to be faithful and you were! With the big lesson I learned this year… to trust you completely in all things, I thank you for using cancer to teach me this lesson. 

My requests for 2015 are:
1. for wisdom and direction
2. for boldness to share what you've done in my life
3. for the ability to be more merciful, giving and loving like Jesus

My 3 requests for others:
1. for the lost to come to know you as their personal Lord and Savior and to know and understand that you are a loving and kind God, not a cruel and heartless task master
2. for parents to train up their children to love and follow after you....in an evil world, they need You so desperately
3. for Christians to pray for one another...to encourage and support one another with your BIG LOVE. 

Thank you, Father, that you hear our prayers. May Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Amen. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved