When my breast surgeon told me that she needed to do testing on my lymph nodes to see if they were cancerous, I listened as she explained the procedure. ..."and then you'll be radioactive for 24 hours." That was the only thing I really remembered her saying. Radioactive. Wow.
On Tuesday, I'll be going to the hospital at 2:30 p.m. I'll enter the Radiology department and tell them I'm there for a lymphocintigraphy. In all honesty, I'm really nervous about this test! Having blue, radioactive dye injected into my breasts doesn't make for a pretty picture. Needles and nipples are two words that should never go together!! I know the doctor wouldn't have ordered this test unless it was necessary, but good grief...how much more torture do I have to endure?
First, I had to be embarrassed to death, baring my boobs in public. Then I had to have them squashed into pancakes over and over again as diagnostic mammograms were done. Next, I had to have a huge turkey baster type needle injected deep into the tissue while a rotary cutting blade took several samples of my tissue. Now I'm going to have to go through the ordeal of having multiple needle sticks injecting radioisotopes into my boobs and on Wednesday morning, I'm going to have the poor things cut off!!! Oh and then, last but not least, I'll have to learn to deal with my "new normal." When I look in the mirror, I won't see the old me any longer. I'll see a body scarred with permanent reminders that Cancer came to ruin my life. Those are just the facts but there's more to the story....
If I hadn't found the mass in my breast, it might have continued growing and spreading eventually invading more and more areas of my body. If I hadn't had the diagnostic mammograms done, the mass would not have been identified as being suspicious. If I hadn't had the core needle biopsy, I wouldn't ever have known that the cells in the mass were malignant. If I didn't have my lymph nodes tested, I'd never know if the Cancer had spread. If I didn't have my breasts removed, the Cancer would continue to grow and thrive inside me. If I didn't look in the mirror, I'd never see that God has been doing an amazing thing.
All of the embarrassment, all of the pain, all of the tests and procedures are parts of a treatment plan that's meant to prolong or even save my life. I'll admit it though, I am weak! It's been hard getting through this. But I am thankful that medical tests have become so advanced they are able to detect early stages of Cancer. Throughout all of it, God is teaching me to be humble and patient. He is leading me down paths I've never known before and I must trust His leading even when I cannot see where the path may go. The trusting part...that part is even harder than any of the tests, than any of the procedures. In my life, God has already proven Himself trustworthy. He has proven that over and over. But this time, He's just increasing my level of trust through all of this; and while I thought my journey was just about over...it's really just beginning! I know that when I admit my weaknesses, His strength shines through!
So I'm willing to be radioactive for 24 hours if that means that the surgeon will be able to see whether or not the Cancer has spread into my lymph nodes. I'm willing to face the embarrassment of having yet another medical technician see my breasts. I'm willing to go through the pain of having needles pierce my tender skin. Of course, I'd rather not if I had the chance to back out but I have to press on. There's a certain song running through my mind right now and I can't help but hum it...Radioactive, Radioactive...welcome to the new age...whoa, oh, oh, oh..... I'm radioactive, radioactive!
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
