I am grateful

Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit my mother at the nursing home. It was the first long trip I'd made since my surgery and I knew it was going to taxing on me. Thankfully traffic was light and it only took us about an hour and a half to get to the nursing home. I wondered how my mother would react to seeing me without breasts. Would she cry? Would I cry? 

As we went in to see her, we passed many elderly people sitting by the entrance and in the hallways. I always try to smile and look each person in the eye as I pass them because I know how lonely they must be for some sort of social interaction. Many of the women we passed seemed to stare blankly into space and others moaned out in distress. It was very disconcerting. We moved quickly down the hall and toward my mother's room. We had planned to surprise her with an unannounced visit. She was also unaware that several of her grandchildren and one of her great grandchildren would be joining us.

As we continued down the hallway, I noticed one woman in particular. She sat in the middle of the hall, her eyes never moving and her face was fixed in a large, open mouthed grin. It was obvious she had suffered from a stroke or some other facial paralysis. I smiled back at her but her expression never changed and I could tell she wasn't aware of her surroundings. How very sad, I thought to myself, to spend the rest of your life sitting in a wheelchair with your mouth wide open. 

My husband, one of my daughters, and I went down the long hallway all the way to the end. When we got to Mama's room, I knew as soon as we entered that she was having a rough day. She was lying in bed with a washcloth on her head and on her bedside tray were several cups of gingerale. I asked  how she was feeling and she said she'd been extremely nauseated and it had been a hard morning. I asked if I could do anything for her and she just shook her head no. I kept waiting to see if she would look at my chest or indicate she was upset that I'd recently had surgery, but she never said one word about it. I was grateful she didn't ask me a million questions.

Soon one of my other children arrived with her husband and her little one. Mama was so happy to see them. She hadn't seen the baby since last September and was amazed at how she had grown. She enjoyed watching the little blonde head of her youngest great grandchild as she bobbled around walking first to one side of the room and then the other. (Heather was so short that her head was about all Mama could see from her bedside viewpoint.) I was happy to see her smiling.

My brother and my nephew arrived and suddenly I noticed the room was crowded with people. Mama had so many who loved her! We had a nice visit with and although she wasn't feeling well, I think Mama enjoyed the visit too. We spent time catching up on the events in our lives and even made a 4 generation photo together. As I sat in her room, I realized how blessed we were that Mama was still cognizant of her surroundings. She's still able to laugh and converse with us. Her mind is very sharp.

The longer we sat in her room, the more I could feel my arms swelling. I hadn't been able to elevate them since we'd left home. This was not a good thing! We stayed a little while longer and then I felt like we needed to go. Mama's roommate had come in and didn't seem to be too pleased to find so many people in their room. This roommate was not friendly and sat in the corner of her side of the room glowering at us.

When we got ready to say goodbye, I glanced out into the hallway and saw the woman with the frozen smile again, but this time, instead of focusing on how sad it was...I saw it as a blessing! Here she was in a nursing home full of people in various stages of life. Yes, there were many whose minds were locked in time. There were many who sat around in a vegetative state and many who did nothing but complain. But this lady just sat quietly in her wheelchair, alone in the hallway, with a huge gaping grin on her face. Was she able to see something I couldn't see? Perhaps she was smiling at Jesus!

I'm not sure what the circumstances were behind the woman with the big, toothless grin, but this one thing I do know...I'm sure she was much better off than those who chose to complain all day and even if she wasn't completely aware of her surroundings, it didn't really matter. In my mind, I decided she must have taken that verse of Scripture to heart - "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2. Her eyes were fixed and her smile was wide, I can only imagine the beautiful sight she beheld. I am grateful that one day too, I will see Him face to face in all His glory. Oh what a day that will be!

About halfway back home, I realized I was exhausted. I don't know, why but just making this trip had worn me out. I was taken aback at how very tired I was and my husband, Phil, noticed. He encouraged me to lean back in my seat and close my eyes. I wasn't sleepy, just physically drained I explained to him. Traffic was heavy making our trip back even longer than it had been in the beginning. I was so thankful when we finally pulled into our driveway. For the remainder of the day, I kept my arms elevated. After about an hour, I turned in early. I guess my energy level isn't what it used to be. Hopefully it will get better over time. I don't like feeling this way but I am grateful to be alive. 

I went to sleep thinking about the nursing home visit. My mind kept returning to the woman with the frozen smile. Wouldn't it be amazing if we were all so filled with joy that our faces couldn't help but remain permanently frozen with happiness? It would be awesome to notice nothing but smiles on people's faces instead of expressions of worry, complaint, or despair. I imagine it will be that way when we get to heaven and I can't wait! As I thought about what heaven would be like, I fell asleep. I wonder if I was smiling as I slept through the night? 

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