It seems like I've done nothing but complain for the past few days. I know Phil is so tired of hearing my moaning and groaning, but he says nothing. The radiation burns are driving me crazy and I think I may be allergic to the sulphur based cream the doctor prescribed to help with my pain. Can you see me...with my hand thrown up against my brow crying "woe is me?"
Not wanting to wear clothing on the top half of my body is getting to be ridiculous, but it feels so much better not having the cloth rubbing against me. Last night, as we sat and watched TV, I figured out a way to unbutton my long sleeve shirt and take out the right arm while draping that sleeve around toward the left side just enough to cover the lower half of my right torso. I unhooked the button at the cuff and buttoned it along the middle row of buttons on my shirt making a make shift top that allowed air to flow around my upper right arm. Well, even that wasn't good enough. I was still in pain even though I was getting good air flow, so I went to get a gel ice pack out of the freezer. I wrapped the gel pack in a cotton dish towel and sat with that under my arm pit for the rest of the show.
The ice pack felt so good and very soothing and VERY cold. In just a few minutes, my core body temperature seemed to go down a few degrees. I guess that's why on medical shows, when someone has a raging fever, and they need to get it down quickly, they pack ice under their armpits and in the groin area. The ice was doing such a good job, that when we got ready for bed, I slept with it.
This morning, the gel pack was lying on the floor next to the bed. It had thawed out a few hours after I'd put it under my arm and sometime during the night, I guess I'd thrown it down onto the floor. I slept fitfully again last night, even though I had taken a pain pill. It's just so hard to get comfortable.
Both of my armpits are already extremely swollen and it's only 7:22 a.m. I haven't been able to wear the compression sleeves for Lymphedema since my burns have gotten so bad. The doctor told me the right sleeve was rubbing against my chest and irritating the burned area. So now I have fat arms and an irritated, burned chest. It hurts!
I'm going to try to enjoy my last day of freedom for the weekend...a day where I don't have to go to the radiation clinic. On Monday, I'll have the 19th treatment, (the one I was supposed to have on Friday), and I'll get to see the doctor. I am concerned about the way my skin has turned a deep shade of brownish red and is spotted with bumps. Hopefully she'll be able to tell if this is normal for this amount of radiation or if I'm having a reaction to the Silvadene cream.
What I'm thinking:
I am frustrated beyond belief! I want to be done with treatments. I need to bite my tongue instead of being so vocal around Phil about how I'm feeling. It isn't fair to him for me to complain constantly. It isn't like me! I don't like this side of me. Will the swelling and pain go away when the radiation stops? Will I continue to fight exhaustion after treatments end? Will I be able to enjoy the holidays this year? When we went to Cracker Barrel yesterday, I saw Christmas decorations in their gift shop. I didn't even get excited, in fact, I dreaded even thinking about Christmas...the shopping, the cooking, the decorating....entertaining. Oh how I would love for one of the kids to take over doing Christmas for the family this year! It would be so nice to just go and enjoy it somewhere else. Why am I thinking so far ahead? Why am I feeling this way? Why don't I look forward to Christmas this year? Oh my gosh...why do I have so many questions? I guess I'd better go get the ice pack and put it back under my arm. Typing is taking a huge effort this morning, so I'm going to have to stop now. I hope people don't think I'm crazy when they read my blog!
A Gift
Just when you seem to yourself
nothing but a flimsy web
of questions, you are given
the questions of others to hold
in the emptiness of your hands,
songbird eggs that can still hatch
if you keep them warm,
butterflies opening and closing themselves
in your cupped palms, trusting you not to injure
their scintillant fur, their dust.
You are given the questions of others
as if they were answers
to all you ask. Yes, perhaps
this gift is your answer.
nothing but a flimsy web
of questions, you are given
the questions of others to hold
in the emptiness of your hands,
songbird eggs that can still hatch
if you keep them warm,
butterflies opening and closing themselves
in your cupped palms, trusting you not to injure
their scintillant fur, their dust.
You are given the questions of others
as if they were answers
to all you ask. Yes, perhaps
this gift is your answer.
Denise Levertov
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