It's hard to believe it's been 4 months since surgery. The days have been filled with all things related to healing. Visits to physicians continue, but are much less frequent now. My energy is slowly returning albeit vastly different than in the past. Sleeping remains a challenge and I rotate between insomnia and medicated sleep. Scars remain but are less prominent now. Daily I don my sleeves for Lymphedema and when out in public, I wear my prostheses. But I am alive and I am thankful.
The holidays have been on my mind a lot lately, in just a few weeks it will be Thanksgiving. That has always been a special time for me. I love the gathering together of family to celebrate our many blessings, but this year will be vastly different than Thanksgivings past. My thanksgiving is more deliberate. This year, I will celebrate life, and while I'm always thankful for living; I've never really focused on how grateful I am to be alive, but this year, I will. It's funny how Cancer changes your perspective on things...things big and small.
My days have been consumed with deep thinking. Sometimes I think so long and so hard, I feel like my head might explode...but having an abundance of free time provides a lot of room for random thoughts. The thing I've been thinking about the most lately has been about brokenness in my family. The brokenness is so unnecessary and so painful. Once again, I have to thank Cancer for giving me a new perspective. In the past, I wouldn't have let things like this bother me so much but now, time is short and I don't want a single day to be wasted.
Besides thinking, I've been reading. I'm reading a book that I've already read several times before, but it's one of those books that needs to be read over and over again. The book's title is the Bait of Satan by John Bevere and the focus of the book is on how to learn to live free from the deadly trap of offense. Mr. Bevere clearly and concisely helps his readers see and understand how easily it is to become offended. He also teaches the proper response we should have as Christians when we are confronted with offenses. How perfectly this book fits into my longing to have restoration in my family.
This morning, as I was praying, God took me to the book of Exodus, the fifteenth chapter. In this chapter, Moses is leading the Israelites from the Red Sea into the wilderness. They are traveling in the hot desert and they're thirsty. They come to a place called Marah, which means "bitter waters," or bitterness. They can't find drinkable water. They're miserable and tired. They're complaining. They're telling Moses they're thirsty and they want him to fix it. So Moses cries out to God. God shows Moses a tree and tells him to throw it into the water. So Moses obeys the Lord's command and the water instantly becomes drinkable.
As I read this passage, I felt God speaking to my heart. The bitter waters of Marah were symbolic of the brokenness in my family. I've tried everything I could think of to "fix" the brokenness. I've written letters, made phone calls, sent texts, apologized for my part in the brokenness and done everything I've felt God telling me to do and still, the brokenness remains. This morning, God impressed on my heart that all my attempts to "fix" things were futile. There is nothing more I can do. Now it's up to Him to do the mending...to prepare hearts to receive and understand...to allow healing to take place. He reminded me that love will be the key...that love covers a multitude of sin and yes, offenses, whether real or perceived to be real, are great tools in Satan's hands.
So in this season of giving thanks, I have been torn. My heart is so full of joy at being given a second chance at life but at the same time, my heart is wounded and broken. There should never be bitterness and hurt between family members, especially in families where Christ is the head. But families are made of humans, and humans are flesh and blood...they don't always remember to walk in the spirit...words wound and feelings are hurt...the waters become bitter. I long to find the tree that can heal the waters. But God specifically told me that I won't find it...it is not for me to find...He will provide it, in His time and in His way. All I can do is wait.
The leaves are slowly letting go. I watch as they fall one by one to the ground. The day we set aside to focus on giving thanks will soon be here. Instead of gathering together as we once did in the past, my family will be scattered. Those of us who are able to get together will spend the day remembering the many blessings God has granted this year, and the others will be covered in prayer.
The days are shorter now and dark falls quickly. There's no time to waste. My heart's desire is to have the wounded hearts healed. That is my daily prayer and I know God will honor my request in His perfect timing.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
22 Then
Moses led Israel onward from the Red Sea and they went into the
Wilderness of Shur; they went three days [thirty-three miles] in the
wilderness and found no water.
23 When they came to Marah, they could not drink its waters for they were bitter; therefore it was named Marah [bitterness].
24 The people murmured against Moses, saying, What shall we drink?
25 And
he cried to the Lord, and the Lord showed him a tree which he cast into
the waters, and the waters were made sweet. There [the Lord] made for
them a statute and an ordinance, and there He proved them,
26 Saying,
If you will diligently hearken to the voice of the Lord your God and
will do what is right in His sight, and will listen to and obey
His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the
diseases upon you which I brought upon the Egyptians, for I am the Lord
Who heals you.
27 And they came to Elim, where there were twelve springs of water and seventy palm trees; and they encamped there by the waters. Exodus 15 Amplified Bible
