Counting down

For the past 5 weeks, my life has centered around trips to and from the radiation clinic. Every Monday, I get to see Dr. Santiago, my Radiation Oncologist. During our visit, she checks my skin and asks me how I'm feeling. It's gotten to be quite a routine exchange of words. Yesterday was a little different:
Dr. Santiago: "So how are you feeling today?"
Me: "Fine"
Dr. Santiago: "How's your energy level?"
Me: "I'm a little tired and don't have quite as much energy as I'd like to have right now."
Dr. Santiago: "That's normal. You have to remember your body is trying to heal. Rest when you need to and don't push yourself."
Me: "Okay, I'll try."
Dr. Santiago: "Let me take a peek at your skin."
Me: (I open my gown and hold it open for her to view the radiated area. Pointing to my underarm, I say this:) "It really hurts in this area."
Dr. Santiago: "Yes, that's always the case where there's a body fold. Skin rubbing against skin and clothing rubbing against the burn can cause a great deal of pain. Try using gel ice packs under your arm but be sure and wrap them in a towel or some sort of cloth first."
Me: "Okay."
Dr. Santiago: "So, you've completed 19 treatments now."
Me: "Yes!"
Dr. Santiago: "You only have 9 more to go."
Me: "Really? I thought you had said 35 originally?"
Dr. Santiago: "That's correct, but from reviewing your xrays and according to your treatment progress, I think we can cut that down to only 28.:
Me: "That's great!"
Dr. Santiago: "So, are you still using the Radiaplex gel and the Silvadene on your skin?"
Me: "Yes."
Dr. Santiago: "How many times a day?"
Me: "Three times a day, as instructed."
Dr. Santiago: "Good! Your skin looks like it typically should for this time frame of your treatment. I know the burns are uncomfortable."
Me: "Yes they are but the gel really helps."
Dr. Santiago: "How are you sleeping?"
Me: "Not very well. I toss and turn all night. I can't get comfortable."
Dr. Santiago: "You can take the pain pills I gave you every 4 hours."
Me: "Thank you, Dr. I don't want to take them if I don't have to because I don't want to get dependent on them."
Dr. Santiago: "Is there anything else?"
Me: "Not that I can think of today."
Dr. Santiago: "Well, then, I'll see you next week, you can start counting down."
Me: "YAY!"

What I'm thinking:
So today will be my 20th treatment and after today, there will only be 8 more to go! I should be finished by next Friday, October 9. I wonder how I'll feel that day...should I celebrate...will I feel lost not having the routine of going to and from the clinic in my life every day? I guess I'll have to wait and see. The next step will be going back to my Oncologist, Dr. Trevor Feinstein. He'll draw blood and use those tests to determine my cancer markers and then, I'll begin anti-hormone therapy for the next 5-10 years. Wow. As I just wrote that, the reality of cancer controlling my life for the rest of my life is very real. I'll be constantly going to one doctor after another for check ups, blood work, and treatment. Yes, I'm thankful that the radiation part of it will be over...so very thankful! Yes, I'm thankful I didn't have to have chemotherapy...extremely grateful for not having to go through that agony...but where do I go from here? How do I get back to just living my life? Was this just a tiny blip on the radar? Will I have a constant fear that cancer may be lurking in the shadows and jump out at me in the future? I never want to think about recurrence! Maybe if I just don't ever think about it, I'll never have to deal with it. October is breast cancer awareness month. Everywhere there will be pink ribbons and reminders for me. How am I going to handle that? Will I be emotional? Will I try to avoid all reference to breast cancer? I'm not a huge fan of all the walks, celebrations and parties that seem to minimize the reality of cancer but it is what it is...the ones of us who've been through hell and back have a different view on all of it...some might even say we're cynical, but that just isn't the case. We are just tired. We've been stretched beyond our limits and we've spent so much energy fighting that we just want a break....we wish we could turn back the hands of time, but we can't...we are forced to face reality and reality is ugly. But on the other hand, we're thankful to be alive! We just experienced the worst scare ever and the words "you have cancer" hung a death sentence over our heads. But we don't give in, we press on. We fight and sometimes we win. It's a fifty/fifty chance and only God knows the outcome. In any event, I'm glad the countdown is on and after today, I'll only have 8 more treatments in front of me. I think I can do this. No, I know I can. I've made it this far and I'm not going to stop now.

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