A week in the life...

It's almost the end of January and it's been a little over six months since my surgery. It doesn't seem like it's been that long,  and I even had to double check the calendar to confirm the reality of that fact. During the past six months, I've been through an awful lot and I continue to have daily trials. It may seem like all I do on this blog is complain, but believe me, that's not my intention. Cancer is tough and that's a huge understatement. Hopefully, you'll allow me to share my difficulties without being judgmental. My purpose in sharing is to give you, the reader, a very clear and realistic picture of what life as a victim of cancer is really like. If you weren't interested, you wouldn't be reading my blog, now would you? So let me tell you what the past few days have been like for me.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday:
These were pretty rough days all around. Tamoxifen has been totally messing with my mind, my body and my spirit. The side effects continue to be a challenge. My main problem is being unable to sleep. Sleeping pills, both prescribed and natural, work for an hour or two and then don't. I toss and turn all night long and have started sleeping in the guest room so I won't disturb my husband. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, I start sweating profusely...night sweats, another side effect of the medication. I change clothes several times a night because of them.

During the day, I have hot flashes. They sneak up on me when I least expect it. For example, Monday I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. I was feeling perfectly fine one minute and the next, I felt like Mt. Vesuvius had erupted inside my body. I was so hot, I had to take off my shirt and start fanning myself. I am a cold natured person. I rarely ever get warm because I have no thyroid gland to regulate my body temperature like normal people do. Sure, I take synthetic thyroid replacement hormones, but even they don't keep my body temp at normal. My normal temp is 97.1 or lower while most normal people register a lovely 98.6. So when I get a hot flash, I mean it's HOT. The hot flashes come and go, thank goodness they don't stick around for more than about thirty minutes at a time.

I had several emotional meltdowns. Poor Phil! He tried so hard to comfort me and he is so sweet! He would look over at me and see the tears welling up in my eyes and immediately come over to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. The meltdowns start out small and then escalate. I don't have to be thinking about anything in particular and the tears just start flowing. I'm sure it's the medication because I'm normally a happy go lucky person. Feelings of hopelessness and despair overcome me and I feel like I'm losing it. I tell Phil I can't take it any more and that I'm going to stop taking the Tamoxifen. I don't like feeling out of control.

I also don't like the yeast infection that has suddenly appeared...another medication side effect. Tamoxifen messes with your body's Estrogen levels and that throws everything else out of whack. So I began drinking Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar and got some over the counter meds from the drugstore that should help fix the problem.

Thursday:
I call my oncologist's office to tell them Tamoxifen is messing me up big time. While I'm talking to the nurse, I burst into tears. She consoles me and tells me it's going to be okay. She says she'll talk to the doctor and call me back. Later that afternoon, I get the callback. The nurse tells me that my doc wants me to stop taking Tamoxifen. I didn't dare tell her I already did! She says we'll discuss new medications at my appointment next week. I hang up the phone relieved that I now have official approval to stop Tamoxifen.

By Thursday evening, I'm starting to feel normal again...well, when I say normal, I mean pretty much my usual self B.C. (before cancer). I enjoy the evening without any meltdowns, hot flashes, or night sweats. The yeast infection is still here and is very bothersome (another side effect of the medication) but I can handle that.

Friday:
I'm feeling much better and wonder if it is possible to not take any more medication. I want to ask my oncologist if this is a possibility, but I know the answer before I even ask the question. He'll tell me that we want to be sure and keep the cancer from recurring and in order to do that, I need to take medication.  It sucks! I don't want to have to take medication for the next 5 to 10 years but I have no choice.

Although I'm feeling better physically, I don't feel great. I still have to deal with the lymphedema and now the yeast infection. There's no way to describe the discomfort I feel other than to do a little rant here so be prepared... I'm so sick and tired of having fat arms! My arms are so swollen that I can't wear hardly anything in my closet. My arms swell up and get so tight it feels like my skin is going to burst wide open and there's not a thing I can do about it other than wear the compression sleeves. So now, I have fat, swollen, hurting arms and a crotch that feels like it's on fire. But I really do feel better. At least I'm not crying about it! At least the emotional meltdowns are over! Now I just want to hit something!!!

And to top it off, I feel forgotten. There I said it. I didn't want to have a pity party here but I'm having a tiny one anyway. When I first was diagnosed, people I hadn't seen or talked to in years called or sent cards to let me know they were so sorry to hear my news. I felt so loved and cared about. For the past few months, not a single card or call have come in. I still need encouragement, even if it has been 6 months since my surgery. I am still struggling and I guess I will be for some time. Cancer is the gift that keeps on giving, as one of my fellow survivors says. You can't just forget about it and move on. It's always with you and the thoughts of recurrence are always in the back of your mind. No matter how hard you try, it's always there reminding you of its presence.

So you see, it's still a daily challenge. Oh yes, I'm thankful that I'm alive and I'm thankful every morning I wake up and see another day. I am so very grateful that I'm still here...but cancer is not easy...definitely not easy. But I keep fighting, it's all I have left and I won't give up even if I feel like I have no fight left in me...

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