Wow! I'm amazed at the questions some of you have asked but I'm also thankful that you've felt the freedom to ask them. Maybe being able to ask anonymously was the key!
What was the scariest thing that happened? The scariest thing that happened to me during this whole situation was actually seeing the cancer during my ultrasound. The radiologist had the ultrasound screen turned toward me so I could watch as he was preparing to do the core needle biopsy (which was very painful) and insert a steel clip into the site in my breast to mark the location of the tumor. When I saw the mass on the ultrasound screen, it looked like a large, one armed crab. Just facing the reality of what I already knew to be true, was so scary. Did you know the word cancer means crab?
Most embarrassing thing that has happened? The most embarrassing thing that has happened to me during this cancer ordeal was having to have dye injected into my breast by a male nurse. The dye was supposed to illuminate any cancerous cells in my lymph nodes before surgery so it had to be done. As the guy asked me to disrobe, I was totally humiliated. There was no woman nurse present at all. Then, he came toward me with a syringe and told me he was going to inject some pain medication to numb the injection site first. It felt like a bee sting when he injected the needle into my breast. Then he took another syringe and injected blue dye right into my areola in three different places on each breast. Even with the numbing medication, it was very uncomfortable. I couldn't wait to get out of that room!
Do you miss "them"? That's a hard question. Yes and no. Since I wasn't well endowed in the first place and since I've always been a major tomboy, I never paid much attention to my chest when I was a kid but, as an adult, being small chested wasn't a huge problem because if I wanted to look bigger, I could buy a padded bra. If I chose not to wear a bra, no one really knew and since I didn't have a huge chest, I didn't have to worry about sagging when I grew old! After I healed up all the way, I couldn't wear a bra even if I wanted to because the bra, with the prostheses in it, was too heavy and rubbed against my incisions. Although they were healed, I still have a lot of scar tissue under my right arm and a seroma there from my surgical drain site. Those are extremely tender even to this day and I can't stand having anything rub against them. Honestly, the only time I really miss my breasts is when I'm going out in public and I feel self conscious without a bra on. I can camouflage myself pretty well with a jacket or a vest. I also know my husband misses them. He's been so sweet not to say anything often but every once in a while, he'll make a comment that lets me know he misses them. Men are so visual and I know it must have been a hard adjustment on him to see me without breasts. I never gave one thought to having reconstructive surgery, even when the breast surgeon asked me if I wanted to consider it, because I didn't want to go through all that pain and suffering. Even though they can take belly fat, thigh fat, or back fat and fashion new breasts from it, can you imagine having not only two large breast incisions but also having your belly sliced open and then resewn back together, or your thighs, or your back??? And even if you have the surgery, your new breasts don't look like breasts for a long, long time. They have to heal and then, you have to have nipples constructed from ear lobe tissue or other tissue on your body unless you decide to have nipples tattooed on (which some ladies opt to do).
What is one thing you want to do before you die? Before I die, I want to travel to Israel and walk along the paths that Jesus did. I want to float in the Dead Sea, I want to take a boat ride across the Sea of Galilee and I want to travel the Via Dolorosa.
What is something good that has come from this? God has used all of this to teach me to live in the moment. I have always been one to plan and plan and plan. I've always looked to the future and sometimes, I have failed to be present in the moment. Since surgery, God has shown me that every single moment of my life is precious and I'm only allotted a specific number of moments. I can't waste a single one.
If you could go back to before cancer, what would you change? If I could go back to the time before I knew I had cancer, I would change many things. The main thing I would change was how I treated people. I was often too busy with things in my life to give people the time they needed. I would spend more time just sitting and listening instead of being busy doing.
Have you been suicidial? To be honest, I have thought about taking my life at one time but found out later that it was a side effect from new medication I was on. I don't believe in suicide. I believe only God has the right to take a life. I think it would be a grave sin to take one's own life and I would never do it.
Do you fear going out in public? Yes. I still have a huge fear of going out in public. It's really hard for me because I've never been this way before. I don't know why but I just feel like people are staring at me. I prefer to stay home and only go out when I have to go out. My husband has been very patient and understanding. He told me the other day that he wasn't going to push me to do anything I didn't want to do. I am so thankful he loves me and is giving me a chance to get my act together. Hopefully, over time, I'll get a little braver and less fearful.
What has been the biggest support to you so far? The biggest support I've had has been from my husband. He has been an angel throughout this whole process. He's cried with me, laughed with me, sat and been quiet with me, prayed with me and just been my rock. My children have also been great encouragers. They call several times a day to check in on me. I've also had some very dear friends who've made a special point to email or Facebook message me with words of encouragement on a weekly basis. It's nice to know others love and care about me.
If you could tell people something that they don't know about you and cancer what would it be? I was petrified when I discovered the mass in my right breast. But even when I found it, a peace came over me. God spoke to my heart and let me know it was cancer even before I had any tests to confirm it. I've always been a super modest person so having to bare my breasts to numerous medical people was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The only way I got through it was to totally distance myself from the situation while it was happening. I learned to do that many years ago when I was sexually abused as a child. It is a weird coping mechanism and many people will probably think it is a very immature and unnatural way to deal with routine tests and procedures, but you asked....
What do you need still? I still have hard days. I still get emotional at times and feel very "unfeminine." I still need people to be understanding and patient with me. I still need encouragement and love. Cancer isn't something you just "get over." It's the gift that keeps on giving. There's always fear of recurrence. There are always medical appointments and constant tests. It seems like it will never end.
What kind of pain are you in? Right now the majority of my pain comes from swelling in my upper arms caused by Lymphedema and pulling/tugging from scar tissue. When I went through radiation, it changed the tissue and muscles in my chest wall. Now instead of those areas being soft and pliable, they are very dense and hard. When I move in a certain way sometimes those tissues and muscles don't want to move with me and cause pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I try to make the best of it. On days when the pain gets to be more than I can bear, I do have prescription pain medication I can take to help.
How long do you think you have time wise? That's hard to say. The Bible tells me in James 4:14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." So I really have no idea. Only God knows. I do know that most breast cancer patients are only given 5 years statistically but my God is the one who holds the keys to my life and I'm trusting Him for a long and prosperous life. I am taking Aromasin now which is a type of oral chemotherapy. It lowers estrogen levels in postmenopausal women, which may slow the growth of certain types of breast tumors that need estrogen to grow in the body. It is often given to women whose cancer has progressed even after surgery, radiation, or other cancer medications have been tried without success. My oncologist has told me that I'll be on this medication for the next 10 years. In the past, adjuvant therapy was only given for 5 years but research has been done recently that shows 10 years is much more effective against the chances of recurrence.
What is your biggest struggle on a daily basis? The biggest struggle I have on a daily basis is learning to accept my limitations. There are many things I am unable to do physically now that I used to do in the past. I get tired more often and find myself doing things a little more slowly than before. That could also be attributed to my age. I'm 57 but feel like I'm still 18!
Does it hurt to receive hugs? Sometimes it does hurt to receive hugs. My cousin, a big, strong, strapping young man in his early 50's gave me a huge hug about a month ago that I thought was going to crush my ribcage. Now I have learned to turn my body sideways when giving hugs or I'll whisper in the huggers ear, "soft hugs only please!"
Do you blame yourself? I don't really blame myself but I've questioned whether or not something I did or did not do regarding my health could have contributed to the cancer. I wondered if I had chosen to eat more healthy foods, or if I'd chosen to use natural deodorants, or if I hadn't colored my hair so much...but then, I thought, there are so many environmental issues in the world that could have contributed to my getting cancer that I probably couldn't have ever done anything to prevent it from happening. My faith assures me that God has allowed the cancer into my life for His purposes. Just knowing that and accepting that fact have given me great peace. I've tried to take the attitude that He's allowed it into my life to teach me something really important.
What is the biggest way cancer has changed you? I think the biggest way cancer has changed me is that it's taught me to focus my life more on love. Just on being understanding and loving toward others. Being able to forgive even when forgiveness hasn't been asked for is a huge thing. I've become much more intentional in my life and I thank cancer for that.
When have you felt most alone? I've felt most alone in the late night hours when I've been unable to sleep. I've had insomnia a lot since my surgery and it's been very difficult to deal with. Prescription medications leave me feeling drugged the entire next day so I don't like to take them. Over the counter medications help for an hour or two but not more than that. Sometimes at night, I lie awake and think about things. When I get alone with my thoughts, sometimes I focus more on fleshly things instead of spiritual things. I tend to focus on my circumstances and difficulties instead of focusing on what God's doing in my life. I know that is typical human behavior but I don't like knowing that I fall into that trap sometimes. I've also felt very alone since my cancer journey began because many of my family members have not been very supportive. I try to overlook this by considering they are just busy with their own lives but when I try to think about how I would respond if the shoe was on the other foot, I get a little down.
What has encouraged you the most through this time? My faith and my friends have encouraged me most throughout this time. I am so thankful I have a strong faith in God. If I were not a Christ follower, I'm sure I would have been totally devastated and depressed throughout this entire experience. Many of my friends have taken time to pray for me daily or to write notes of encouragement that arrive at just the perfect time. I am truly blessed.
What has been your best outlet of emotion? My best outlet of emotion has been to cry! I have cried buckets of tears since this ordeal began. Crying is a wonderful emotional release and a type of cleansing. Did you know it actually releases a type of hormone that allows your body to rid itself of toxic stress? Sometimes I punch my pillow when I get angry and just want to hit something. After punching it for a few minutes, I usually burst out laughing at how silly I must look and then I feel much better.
Do you feel like people treat you different? Sometimes my family members treat me like I'm a little more fragile and that's okay but I don't know how people out in the public view me since I haven't allowed myself to be out in the public much lately. I imagine if I were to go out without my fake boobs on, people would look at me strangely and think, "wow, she's flat chested!" I'm trying to work up enough courage to go to my 40th high school reunion this fall and I guess that will be the real test.
Do you really know and believe that you are the most beautiful daughter of the Most High King and that He loves you unconditionally and that nothing has changed from His end of things? That he still thinks you are fearfully and wonderfully made...that you are His holy sanctuary & He's not finished with you yet! Yes I do and I am so very thankful He loves me unconditionally!
Do you know that you are worthy to be loved? Yes I do, but sometimes, just once in a while, Satan whispers in my ear that I am LESS THAN. Sometimes I listen to his whispers and lies but most of the time, I call him out on it!
What is the moment you've had to be most brave? There have been several moments during this ordeal where I've had to be brave but I would say the hardest moment for me was the first time I looked in the mirror after having my surgery. I had to make myself look at the long, red, hideous scars across my chest and when I did, I just cried and cried. But as I cried, I felt God speaking to my heart, "you're still beautiful on the inside." So I was able to accept the fact that breast cancer hadn't killed me, it has just made me stronger.
Thank you for taking time to ask some very good questions. I hope I've answered them so you can understand how serious cancer is and how it changes your life forever. I pray that none of you ever have to walk through this dark valley but if you do, know that I'll be here ready to offer you my love and support. Even more importantly than that, God will be with you. He has promised never to leave or forsake you. He will give you the strength and the courage to get through whatever comes your way.
I still struggle daily but I'm just taking one moment at a time. I am thankful that even when I am weak, God is strong.
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