When I first decided to take the medication, I looked up all of the side effects. The ones that scared me the most were hair loss and bone fractures. Isn't that funny to think I'd be afraid of hair loss? But I am. I don't think I'd look good without hair. Some people have great face shapes and look beautiful even with bald, shiny heads but I wouldn't be one of those. I have a very round face and my head would look like a big, giant melon. To top it off, my hair has just finally reached shoulder length. It has taken me from June of 2014 to get it here. I like my hair and want to keep it, but I have been noticing several loose hairs on the shower floor lately...
I was also terrified of bone fractures. Apparently this medication can cause severe bone thinning. I've only had a few broken bones in my life. Once, when I was very young, my forearm was accidentally broken by my sister. She was running and jumping (according to stories my Mom tells) and somehow, ended up landing smack dab on my arm. I don't remember it, but I was told it was a "greenstick" fracture. The only other bones I've had broken were my tibia and fibula on my right leg. Those were nasty breaks from a terrible motor vehicle accident. I remember those well and I remember the pain. On a level of 1-10, those breaks ranked off the charts. That is one reason I don't ever want to experience any bone fractures again and I couldn't even imagine just walking across the floor and a leg bone snapping into pieces. Or, heaven forbid, bumping up against something and a bone shattering....
To say I've been living in dread, while on this medication, is quite accurate. There are many more side effects I haven't mentioned like the possibility of heart attack or stroke, difficulty breathing, severe fatigue, weight gain (my worst nightmare), and others. But, as I said in the beginning of this post, so far, so good! I'm so happy. It's almost too good to be true and I'm waiting for something drastic to occur although I shouldn't be.
Today, I came across a verse of Scripture that addressed my fears. It's found in the book of Proverbs chapter 1 verse 33 and it says, "whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." When I first read it, it didn't sink in, so I read it again. The second time I read it, I realized I've been dreading disaster while on this medication. I've been expecting the worst. Isn't that just like us, as humans, to always be expecting the "other shoe to drop?" And that's exactly where Satan wants us to be...in a state of fear. He wants us to be fearful because he knows he has power over us when we don't walk in truth. This is a dangerous time because when we are afraid, we do our best to control things and fix things and make things all right. Our fears can overpower us and hold us captive. But look back at the verse in Proverbs. It says, ""whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." Whoever listens to me (that's Jesus speaking) will dwell secure and be at ease without dread of disaster. That tells me that no matter what I think or feel or expect to happen, it's not necessarily going to happen and if I choose to listen to what God says, over those screaming, fearful voices in my head, I will be at peace...at ease...it will be okay. I won't have to dread disaster coming. I won't have to be afraid. Whew!
One of my favorite books of all time is Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It's filled with allegories of Biblical truth. If you've never read it, you should! One of the characters in the book is called Much-Afraid (she symbolizes a young, fearful girl who has much to learn about life and I see myself in her character.) The Shepherd (Jesus) is talking to Much-Afraid encouraging her to continue on in her journey. Craven Fear is symbolic of Satan. This is an except from the book:
Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much-Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to being trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is."
That little segment speaks volumes and certainly ties in with the Scripture in Proverbs.
God doesn't want me to live in a state of fear or dread expecting the worst, but Satan does. God wants me to walk in freedom knowing He's got me in the palm of His hand and He's not going to let anything happen to me. He's in control. And with that in mind, if He chooses to allow any side effects to touch my life, it'll be okay. He'll take care of me. I can always talk to my doctor and let him know the medication is causing problems. I can stop taking it at any point. But, I'm going to trust God in this because I know that's what I should do.
Before I started taking the medication, I waited two weeks. I prayed about it. I asked God what I should do. I didn't know if I should take it or not. My doctor was pushing me to take it, but doctors sometimes have other reasons for wanting you to take medication and the Great Physician trumps any medical doctor I currently see.
So....I'm just thankful! I'm so happy to be able to take the medication without any side effects. This was an unexpected surprise! I don't know why I wasted so much energy on fearing the worst. Hopefully, this month, of trial on the Aromasin, will be a good one and I can continue for the next 5 years as the doctor hopes. It will be a good thing if it works out that way. Keeping cancer at bay is my goal and I don't ever want to experience a recurrence. I've got too much life ahead of me to live as Much-Afraid did.
Tomorrow will be day 5. I'll take one day at a time and I'll trust my Shepherd to lead me all the way. It's so much nicer to be free from the heavy burden of dread. It can leave me on the edge of my moments feeling exhausted and that's no way to live. Thank goodness, I can trust in Jesus and be at ease!
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