Something is different in me. Since my surgery, I don't feel the same. Something has drastically changed. I notice it. My husband notices it and those who know me well notice it. I can't pinpoint what it is but it's something. I've always been so happy go lucky. I've always been gung ho to plan something on the spur of the moment. I was the one who took chances. Now I feel strangely different.
There's a movie my children and grandchildren love to watch at Christmas. It's called "Noel." The movie is about a red shiny Christmas ornament named Noel. Noel lives in a box with other glass ornaments but something is very different about him...he's always full of happiness. When the other ornaments in the box gripe and complain at being taken out year after year and hung on the tree, Noel is always excited. When the lid on her box is lifted and he is gently removed from his home Noel squeals with glee. The story continues year after year with new families coming to live in the house where Noel's box of ornaments reside. Over the years, the ornaments receive chips and dings when not handled with care. Some of the ornaments are broken and discarded. Noel, survives throughout years and years of families who hang her on the tree at Christmas. But one year, he falls from the tree and breaks. As he falls, he lands right at the foot of the Christmas tree and sees a tiny nativity scene. It is there that Noel realizes something is vastly wonderful and different. As he breaks into many shattered piece of glass, his inner happiness is released and he flies off into oblivion content to be happy and fulfilled inside. As he glides away, he says, "my name is Noel and I have a happiness!" That movie, with its simple message of Christmas joy, continues to be one of my grandchildren's favorites. Perhaps it's because Noel is always positive, always happy no matter what his circumstances are...he just keeps smiling.
As I thought about Noel today, I realized maybe my happiness is missing. This is the time of year I love most. I love decorating. I love seeing Christmas plays. I love singing carols. I love being in church and celebrating Christ's birth. Why do I feel so blah? I haven't wanted to go anywhere or do anything. I stay holed up in my house. I still feel so self conscious about not having my breasts. I know I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. How long does it take for this feeling of hopelessness to pass? Why am I letting my lack of breasts dictate my life? I don't have answers. I am very frustrated.
This past weekend, some of my very dear friends drove all the way from Lawrenceville to see us. We don't get to see them often, but when we do it is such a joy. We met for lunch and exchanged Christmas gifts. We had a very nice time but I wasn't my usual chipper self. After lunch, my friend wanted to go shopping. Normally, I would have been eager to go but this time, I wasn't. We did go into one craft store together but instead of looking all through the store like I used to do, I just got what I needed and left. I know my friends must have been baffled at my lack of enthusiasm for shopping, especially at this time of year, but I just wasn't up to it. Even after 4 1/2 months, my body still hurts. I can't seem to get used to the physical limitations. I'm finding I have to take breaks often. Another cancer survivor told me I would have to learn to listen to my body. It's hard to hear your body say, "Get me out of here...I'm ready to give up." It's really challenging to be in constant pain. I feel like Noel when he off the tree and shattered.
I'm not a negative person. It hurts me to be writing this post today, because the people who know me well know I'm not like this. I'm trying, really I am. I've decorated my house for Christmas, although it is a far cry from what I have always done in the past...but I did try. I haven't wanted to go out to shop...not once. I did order a few things on the internet for my Texas grands, but that's it.
My happiness is still deep inside of me. I know I haven't lost it completely, but it isn't the same as it once was...this Christmas will be very different for me. I know when the kids and grandkids come to visit, they'll bring their wonderful energy and joy. They'll fill the house up with happiness that I'm missing right now. Maybe that little boost of enthusiasm will spark something deep inside and allow my happiness to flow free again.
Please don't misunderstand, my happiness comes from Jesus and I know I'll never lose that but I'm just having a tough time this year. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I need to give myself more time for my body to heal and begin to feel better. Maybe things will be very different in another month or two...I sure hope so.
Watch Noel Part 1
Watch Noel Part 2
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