I guess it's healthy to be writing about it. At least I've admitted I have a problem. Isn't that what they want you to do when you go to counseling? Pinpoint the problem, accept it, discuss ways to conquer the problem and then work on solving it...right. So in essence, I'm giving myself a counseling session.
Counselor (me): So, Bonnie, what seems to be the problem?
counselee (me): I'm feeling depressed and alone.
Counselor: And why do you feel this way?
counselee: I don't really know.
Counselor: Let's think about it. What makes you feel depressed and alone?
counselee: Being alone all day...alone with my thoughts...having no friends and no one to talk to...I feel like I don't matter.
Counselor: So I hear you saying you feel like you don't matter because you have no friends or anyone to talk to is that right?
counselee: Yes, that's right. Things just haven't turned out like I expected.
Counselor: How so?
counselee: I never dreamed I'd get breast cancer...ever. It was a total shock and then, I spent the last year going through surgery and treatment. For over a year, all I've done is go from one doctor to another. I didn't have time to think about any of it. All I did was focus on getting through the next day, doing what I was told and trying to fight through the fatigue. Now that things have slowed down, I'm really having time to process all of it.
Counselor: And how does that make you feel?
counselee: It makes me feel scared and lonely, like I need help. I've tried so hard to keep anyone from knowing that I was struggling. I've tried hard to be brave and strong. I've tried not to let my emotions overtake me.
Counselor: Why did you feel like you had to be strong?
counselee: I felt like I had to be strong for my husband and my family. They expected me to be brave...to push through and to fight hard.
Counselor: And did you?
counselee: I did to a degree. I always kept my innermost thoughts and feelings to myself.
Counselor: Did you ever share those thoughts and feelings with anyone?
counselee: The only person I ever shared them with was God. I pour out my heart to Him daily and I find encouragement in the Bible but sometimes, I just want to talk with someone face to face...to really hear their feedback...to know that I'm not crazy.
Counselor: Why do you think you're crazy?
counselee: I feel like admitting I'm struggling is a sign of weakness. I shouldn't be feeling this way.
Counselor: So you're saying you feel admitting your hardships in dealing with the aftermath of breast cancer is a sign of weakness?
counselee: Yes, I do.
Counselor: Do you feel strength is admirable while weakness is something to be ashamed of?
counselee: Sometimes I do feel that way. I've always had to be strong. Admitting I can't handle something by myself is difficult. I've never asked for help before.
Counselor: How does asking for help make you feel?
counselee: At first, it makes me feel insufficient, weak, broken. But as I talk about it, I'm realizing it helps to process the problem. A joke just popped into my head. May I share it with you?
Counselor: Sure.
Counselor: I don't know. How do you eat an elephant?
counselee: One bite at a time. Thinking of that joke helped me see that the only way to conquer my problem is to take tiny, little bites...
Counselor: So how does the first bite taste?
counselee: It tastes pretty sweet.
Counselor: I'm so glad. Our time is up for today. We'll continue again next week. In the meantime, I want you to promise not to focus on the whole elephant. Concentrate on the next bite only. Write down your feelings and don't sugar coat them. You and I are the only ones who'll see your notes. Be honest with yourself and in so doing, you'll begin to see with clarity.
Well, that was a productive first counseling session, don't you agree? I think I did a good job as both the counselor and the counselee. Sometimes, it's good to have a conversation with yourself...especially when you can be impartial and see both sides of things.
Through my "counseling session" I think I've discovered I'm suffering from a.c. depression (After Cancer Depression...I made up that term so I'm not sure if it's really a legitimate condition but if it isn't, it should be!) I haven't been part of any sort of group therapies or self help healing since being diagnosed. I've just been trying to figure things out on my own. Maybe that's why I'm struggling. Maybe I need to have a conversation with my oncologist about this depression, but if I do, I know he'll just say "Let me prescribe an anti-depressant." I don't want any more drugs, so I'll stick with the Great Physician, God.
I know my struggle doesn't have to be wrapped up into a neat, tidy bow with all the answers. I know, even while I'm broken and tattered, that God is still working on me. He's refining me and teaching me. This depression is probably part of a condition called Seasonal Affective Disorder which affects many people during the darker, colder months. I've never been diagnosed with it, but I'm sure it's normal for most people to be a little depressed when the weather is gloomy. Some days are worse than others. These gray, rainy days make my mood more introspective. I'm going to have to work hard to get out of these doldrums. Maybe if I reach down and take hold of my bootstrap, I can pick myself up and dust myself off....afterall, tomorrow is another day.
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