Drink up!

Dr. Feinstein was surprised when I mentioned ovarian pain today at my appointment. "How do you know it's your ovary?" he said. I explained to him that as a teen, I suffered from ovarian pain and frequently had pelvic ultrasounds that revealed functional cysts. "You shouldn't be having any ovarian pain," he remarked. In my head, I was thinking, I know that doc, why do you think I mentioned it? "Your ovaries shouldn't be producing any Estrogen since you're past menopause. How long has the pain been going on?" he said. I told him it had been constant for the past 3 months. I knew it was coming, so I wasn't surprised when he ordered a pelvic ultrasound. Oh, goody, I thought...another invasive test.

The worst part about having a pelvic ultrasound (other than the humiliation of having a complete stranger insert a foreign object into your hoohah) is having to go in for the test with a full bladder. I was told to drink at least 32 ounces of water before arriving for the test. I don't like my bladder to be full, in fact, I empty it often. So when I was reminded again, as I left the office, "be sure and drink lots of water before your test," I cringed. 

You know how hospitals are, don't you? They schedule you for a 1:00 p.m. test and you may, you MAY get called back an hour later. If I was going to have to present myself with a very full bladder and then have to sit and wait for over an hour before being called back for my test, I wasn't so sure I could make it. Perhaps I should stop by the drugstore and buy some of those little leakage pads just in case....you know, someone could tell a really funny joke in the waiting room and I might just laugh so hard I'd spill a little urine or heaven forbid, I have to sneeze! Maybe I should just carry one of those WET FLOOR signs in with me when I arrive and place it strategically beside me...just in case...

What I'm thinking:

I'm glad my doctor is being proactive. At least he heard what I said and scheduled a test ASAP. I'm not looking forward to exposing my hoohah...it's so embarrassing! I hope they don't make me wait long. I really can't hold it for more than an hour or two at most, and it's not healthy to cross your legs, they say, but crossing your ankles is okay. I don't want to have an accident so I'm praying that I can find a parking space close to the door. It would be tragic to have to waddle across the entire length of the parking lot with a "filled to the brim" bladder and accidentally arrive with wet britches. So, tomorrow is the big day. I guess I'd better make sure I'm all clean and shiny down there which reminds me of a joke, I just have to tell here: An elderly lady lived with her middle aged daughter and had been with her for quite some time. Her health had started to deteriorate, so the loving daughter began to make doctors' appointments for her mother. The mother was compliant and agreed to go to these appointments. She knew her daughter only wanted the very best for her. The daughter made an appointment with the regular primary care physician who gave the mother a clean bill of health, she made an appointment with the gastroenterologist and her mother's upper GI tract checked out just fine. She made an appointment with the gynecologist, just to be sure her mom was okay from head to toe. When she told her mother about this last appointment, her mother took a little longer to get ready than she had for each of the other doctors. Her daughter began to get concerned and knocked on the bathroom door. "Mom, are you okay?" she said. "Yes, dear," her mother replied. When they entered the gynecologist's office, the doctor asked the mother why she was there. The mother replied, "to appease my daughter. She wants me to get checked out from head to toe and everywhere else in between." "I see," said the doctor and he began to help the old woman up onto his table. As she lay back, in preparation for the exam, the doctor lifted the sheet. "My, Mrs. Ingram, don't you look fancy today!" "Why, thank you," exclaimed the mother. After the exam was over, the doctor assured the daughter that everything was just fine. On the way home from the doctor's office, the daughter asked her mother what she thought of the doctor. "He was nice, but a little odd," the old woman said. "How was he odd?" said the daughter. "Well, when he lifted up the sheet, he said my don't you look fancy today, Mrs. Ingram." "That is a little strange," said the daughter. "Mother, did you do anything different to yourself as you prepared for the visit today?" "Well, I did want to make sure I didn't smell down there, so I used some of your feminine spray, the can you had sitting on the counter behind the toilet." "OMG, Mom! That wasn't feminine spray! That was Haley's glitter spray! No wonder the doctor said you looked fancy! You had a sparkling, glittery hoohah!" The mother slapped her hand over her mouth in horror and then burst out laughing. They laughed all the way home with the doctor's words ringing in their heads, "My, Mrs. Ingram, don't you look fancy today!" 

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