From the time I was a teenager, I've been a type A personality...you know, the high achiever, the people pleaser, the "gotta get it done yesterday" kinda person. I've always prided myself in my ability to remain in control, even through difficult circumstances in my life, I was always able to K.I.T. (keep it together) but since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, everything's been falling apart. I can't fix things with my bottle of "control glue" any longer. I've had to learn to let things fall apart. It hasn't been easy to learn to let go of things I can't control, but I'm doing it little by little every day. Relinquishing my control has been a huge challenge for me, but...I'm finally realizing that I was never in control in the first place.
It isn't easy to K.I.T. when things are chaotic! When life takes a mad twist and throws you into the middle of a raging storm, you quickly realize your mad rowing isn't going to do a thing...so you learn to lean back in the stern of the boat and hold on for dear life. You go where the storm takes you and even if you haven't got a clue where you're going to end up, you K.I.T. because if you don't, you're going to fall completely apart.
Keeping it together doesn't necessarily mean you don't get frightened at times...that's a given. Life is scary especially when you feel out of control. Cancer is a great teacher of that lesson! In the beginning you do your best to K.I.T. and you do a pretty good job of it...taking each punch as it's thrown at you and dodging the ones you can...but, eventually, you realize it's best to ride out the storm because fighting takes up too much energy. That's where I am today. I'm tired of fighting so I've just stopped...
It's so much easier to stop trying to fix things and just accept "what is" as it comes. I've finally realized that my bottle of control glue is empty. But it is of little consequence because...there's Someone else in control of my ship! Yep, you guessed it...it's God. He's always been the captain of my ship. Sure, I've tried to take the wheel a few times and on rare occasions, He's let me so He could teach me a lesson or two. But traveling through the storm of cancer, I think He knows how to navigate so much better than I do. It's amazing to me that I ever thought I was in control. What was I thinking??? I'm sure I gave God a good chuckle now and then. I can just see Him sitting up there on a huge, white, puffy cloud with His arms crossed, looking down at me as I frantically tried to K.I.T. He probably let out a huge belly laugh and then began shaking His head in sad disbelief as I continually struggled to keep my life under control.
So how did I get to the point where I could let go? I'll tell you. I just got tired. I mean, I got really physically tired. Fighting got too difficult. I had to let go. I had to learn that situations around me are constantly changing and I just can't do it any more. I can't control anything in my life so I have to just learn to K.I.T. moment by moment. I'm not talking about keeping it together in a controlling way, I'm talking about keeping it together "in the midst of the storm" kind of way...where I just chill out and relax even though the sea is raging around me.
It's not my job to control things and it never has been. I'm not supposed to have the bottle of "control glue." God is the only one who can keep my life together through sunshine or through the storms. I'm so glad I finally realized this fact. It has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders. You might hear me whispering to my self "keep it together, keep it together, keep it together!" like Eddie Murphy did in the movie, but that's just me giving myself a reminder that even though I'm not in control, I need to keep myself calm and still. Soon the raging storm will be over and I'll be safely deposited on the shore. God's going to get me through this and when the storm is over, He'll have taught me some valuable lessons.
Do you think you have a bottle of "control glue" sitting on a shelf in your mind? If you do, you're sadly mistaken. You don't have control. You can practice keeping it together, but it won't change your circumstances. Learn to let go and Let God take control. You'll find it so much easier to just rest and relax...go with the flow...ride the waves! Be sure to watch the movie clip:
KEEP IT TOGETHER, Eddie Murphy movie clip from Bowfinger
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