When I was a child, I remember going to the Southeastern Fair every year when it came to town. I always went with my next door neighbor. Her family was kind enough to invite me to go with them. Mama and Daddy always managed to sacrifice a few dollars for me to buy a bag of popcorn, get some cotton candy, or ride a few rides. Melinda and I were so giggly and silly riding in the back seat of her Mother's station wagon. We couldn't wait to go through the house of mirrors or the haunted house. We loved crashing into each other in the bumper cars. We were ecstatic that in just a short time, we'd be entering the fair grounds, buying a long row of tickets and waving goodbye to her Mother.
I'll never forget one year in particular when we went to the fair. I don't remember all the details of how we ended up there, but we found ourselves sitting at the fortune teller's table as she read our palms. Melinda went first and I have no idea what the fortune teller told her, but when it came time for me, I remember distinctly what she said. I must have been about 10 years old at the time. I know I was impressionable and very naive. I hadn't experienced the world yet. The fortune teller was a woman around her early 60s. More than likely she was a gypsy woman because her mannerisms, speech, looks, and everything about her pointed in that direction. We sat at a round table in a dimly lit area. If I'm not mistaken there was a candle on the table because I remember a faintly glowing light. The old woman asked me to give her my hand. As she reached across the table, I timidly stuck out my arm. She took my arm and twisted it over gently so my palm was facing up. She peered into my hand and began to trace the lines with her fingertip. "Do you see this line?" she said in a gruff voice, "this line represents your life. It is called your life line." I leaned in close and looked with her at the palm of my hand. "Do you see how the line stops in the middle of your hand?" I looked and saw that the line curved slightly and stopped almost in the dead center of my hand. "That means you have a short life line. That means you won't live very long." When she said that, I remember feeling extreme dread. I was suddenly scared! She continued holding my hand and said, "I see 56 years. I see 56 years of life." Well, for a 10 year old, that seemed like a pretty long time, but still...I had planned to live a lot longer than 56 years! I don't remember us staying at the table with her after she said that. I'm pretty sure, I jumped up and couldn't wait to get away from there. I'll never forget that day. I never told anyone about what the fortune teller had told me.
Now I know you're thinking I'm being really superstitious, but keep reading and let me tie this together. I'm not a believer in black magic, the occult or any kind of sorcery. I'm a Christian and I know that only God knows the number of days He's allotted to me on this earth. I'm using the fortune teller to help you understand how I've been feeling lately. I'm not trying to give any credence to the predictions the old gypsy woman made, but please hear me out. At 56, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Before receiving my diagnosis, I was a fairly outgoing person. I loved hiking, camping, traveling...living every day of life to the fullest and now, everything has changed.
Yesterday I was filling out an questionnaire sent to me by the Social Security Administration. I had recently applied for Social Security Disability and they needed more information. On the form, they asked a lot of personal questions, as all government agencies do. I did my best to answer them all honestly and truthfully. The questions were geared toward understanding how my life had changed since I'd been diagnosed with cancer. They wanted to know how it had affected me emotionally and physically. They wanted to know if it had caused me any physical limitations, etc. etc. As I was filling out the form, each question made me realize that I had indeed experienced great life changes since my diagnosis. No longer did I want to go out in public, no longer did I want to participate in activities, no longer did I find joy in the things I had before...as I answered the questions, I was realizing that the old me, the me before cancer, had in fact died. At 56...I had died. The fortune teller, although putting on a guise for silly children at a county fair, had been partially correct. She had said I would die at the age of 56.
Now whether her statement stayed with me subconsciously for all those years and just recently resurfaced, or whether I'm just relating to that memory with recent circumstances, I don't know...but I do know that I have definitely changed. I feel like a part of me has been lost and will never be able to be regained again. Maybe over time, after I've healed a bit more, I'll find my "want to" again. I'll find my desire to live life to the fullest again. But right now, I'm just not there yet.
I know this is a long process and each breast cancer survivor has to work through this on her own. I know that God has never left me and He understands my feelings of despair at times. He was always so patient with Job and allowed him to grieve over the loss of his past life. And, in His great mercy, although He allowed Satan to touch Job's life in such a profound way, He restored Job. He blessed him with even more than he had before. He gave him a reason to find joy in his life again. Job never lost sight of what was really important. Things and even people didn't matter to Job. The only thing that mattered was his relationship with Christ. I know that too. I know that the only thing that really matters in my life is my relationship with Christ. Right now, I feel like I've lost the old me and I feel like I've died to some degree. But I know God has so much more for me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm back at the fair only this time, I'm on the merry go round. It's going around and around, faster and faster, it's going. It is constantly moving and I'm going up and down on the wooden pony, but never reaching my destination. I look around and as I'm traveling, I watch different bits of my life passing by. I want to stop and get off but I can't. How long will I feel this way? How long until I feel myself again? Was the fortune teller right? Had I died at 56? Was this all a terrible dream that I can't wake up from?
No. I'm a realist. I know I'm not dead and I didn't really die at 56. Yes, a small part of me is gone. The part of me that was self confident and self reliant. But as I think about it, maybe those parts needed to go because if they were still part of me, I wouldn't be forced to rely on God as much as I do now.
The county fair is gone now and I didn't get to go this year. It wasn't because I couldn't, it's because I didn't have any desire to go. I didn't want to be around massive amounts of people. I didn't want to have to put on my fake boobs and go out in public. I wasn't feeling well physically. It's probably a good thing I didn't go too, because if I had, I'm sure I would have seen a gypsy fortune teller there and I would have been reminded all over again about my past experience as a child.
Isn't it amazing the memories we store up in our minds from childhood? We are so impressionable. The memory of the fortune teller wasn't a pleasant one and is one I'm choosing to forget as of this day. I wonder if she ever knew how her statements affected all the children who placed their hands in hers? I wonder if she cared or if she was only interested in that dollar she made from each one?
I'm sure there are many who honestly do believe in palm reading and fortune telling but I'm not one of them. I know those things are tools of darkness and are not to be dabbled with by Christians. I wish I'd never sat in the fortune teller's chair all those years ago, but we didn't know better back then. We thought it was just a part of the fair...something fun to do, but it was so much more.
Yes, a part of me died at 56, but the rest of me still lives! I may not be the same person any longer, but I'll be a better person...a changed person. I'll be different because of what I've experienced and hopefully, I'll have grown. I know that Jesus lives inside my heart and He wants me to live life to the fullest. I'm taking one day at a time. I'm so thankful He's patient with me. It's a process and He's guiding me into more Christlikeness.
I don't have to look at my palm to see how long I'm going to live! Only God knows the answer to that question. It's not for me to know and I'm thankful I don't! If I knew how long I had left to live, I would always be focusing on my expiration date instead of focusing on today. Living in the moment has become my new way of life and I think I like it that way. It's a short time frame to focus on and I can handle that.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
2 Corinthians 6:13-15New King James Version (NKJV)
13 Now in return for the same (I speak as to children), you also be open.14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 15 And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?
