Nobody told me how crappy it would be after having lymph nodes removed. My breast surgeon did elude to the fact that I MIGHT get Lymphedema but she didn't think I would since I was only have 2 lymph nodes removed in my left arm and 4 removed in my right arm. Apparently even having one tiny little lymph node is enough to disrupt the whole lymphatic system and cause Lymphedema.
It's hard to describe how it feels, but imagine, just underneath your skin, there is an accumulation of fluid. The fluid swells and gets tighter and tighter...so much so, that you feel like your skin is going to pop and split wide open! The swelling impedes movement and is quite painful too. It's not a once in a while thing...when you have it, you have it for good. It doesn't go away.
My body is already a mess. When I look at myself in the mirror, I wonder how my husband can still love me. I have no breasts. I have huge scars across my chest. I have scars from the drainage tubes they put in after surgery. I have tattoos from the radiation clinic that they used to line me up under the linear accelerator for treatment and also, I have fat, swollen arms. Have you ever seen a Sumo wrestler? That's what I feel like when I look at myself.
This morning, the swelling was exceptionally worse than usual. When I use my arms a lot during the day or I do any kind of lifting, it exacerbates the Lympedema. It took me about twenty minutes of manual massage to get the lymphatic fluid dispersed throughout my torso so I could put on a shirt. After going through my closet, I finally found one that I could wear. I guess I'll have to donate the shirts that don't have large sleeves to Goodwill and start buying new ones that will accommodate my balloon arms. I do have my Lymphediva sleeves that help compress my arms and aid with the swelling too.
It's so frustrating to have to deal with this physical challenge on a daily basis, but I'm just going to have to accept it and move on. I just needed a chance to rant for a little bit. I'm not normally a negative person. I hope you understand. Surgery doesn't remove all of the challenges, in fact, it creates even more of them.
I am thankful for the medical advancements that are available now to those of us who've been afflicted with breast cancer. We have so many new and wonderful techniques that can buy us time. Cancer does maim, kill and destroy lives but it's up to us to choose to be thankful to be alive and continue to fight.
Yes, Lymphedema sucks and yes, I don't like it one little bit, but...it's something I have to live with so I'd better just suck it up and move on. Thank you for allowing me to complain today...it's just been one of those days.
