When I walked into the Oncology center, I was nervous. No one had come with me today and I felt so alone. I entered the lobby and took the elevator up to the third floor. I had no idea what was going to be done today. I signed in at the receptionist's desk and sat down in the waiting room. No one else was there. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
I'd only met Dr. Feinstein once before and that was shortly after my cancer diagnosis. It's amazing how my illness has given me an entire team of doctors. Each one of them specialize in different areas, but they all work together for my benefit. Some days I feel like a rock star.
I waited about fifteen minutes before being called back. Of course, the nurse ushered me into a little alcove with the infamous scale. In a chipper voice, she said, "Let's get your weight." In my head I said, 'no, let's don't and say we did." I hate having my weight done, partly because I know I've gained weight since surgery and partly because there's nothing I can do about it at this time. I haven't been able to do any kind of exercise for months.
The nurse with her little clipboard guided me into the exam room. Once again, I see the blood pressure machine coming my way. I explained that she couldn't use my arms because of the Lymphedema and she gave the same reaction as the nurse yesterday in Dr. Smith's office. She wasn't too happy to have to take my blood pressure on my calf. She had to try 3 times to get the machine to register. It was really hurting as it pumped up higher and higher. I'd never seen a cuff pump up to 243 before and I could feel pain on my leg. I commented to her that it was really hurting, but she did nothing. When the machine finally stopped pumping, I was shocked to see my blood pressure at 179/110. I commented that my blood pressure was extremely high and she told me not to worry because it always registers higher on the leg. "Oh, okay," I said.
Dr. Feinstein came in and sat down. He always sits so close that kind of freaks me out. He is so calm and so soft spoken. I'm sure that helps put his patients at ease. I listened as he went over my lab results. He wants to keep a close eye on my Vitamin D level which is still very low. As he reviewed my bone density scan, he commented that I'd need to have it redone every two years. Apparently the aromatase inhibitor, Arimidex, can cause severe Osteopenia and Osteoporosis. He explained that those in turn can cause frequent bone fractures.
As the doctor finished reviewing my labs, he leaned in closer to me and began to tell me all the side effects of Arimidex. He said hair loss, hot flashes, bone/joint pain, fatigue, mood swings and mental changes are all side effects that can occur. He wants me to try the medication for 30 days and then report back to him. If Arimidex doesn't work well for me, he'll put me on Tamoxifen but in the next breath, he said Tamoxifen causes blood clots.
For the next five to ten years I'll need to be on this medication. Dr. Feinstein wants me to wait two weeks to start since I just finished radiation. He said that will give me a little more time to recover and get my energy back before starting the new medication. It scares me.
What I'm thinking:
Will I ever be through with treatment for cancer? Will I have doctors appointments every month? Will I think every new ache or pain is the cancer returning? Will I ever get my energy back? I don't know what to do...do I just trust that the doctor knows more than I do and take the medication just because he tells me to take it? Do I need to research it more and ask about alternative therapies? I wonder if I'm just a lab rat...being used to gather statistical information on how Arimidex does or does not affect estrogen in my body. I know the medication is supposed to better my odds of having a recurrence, but all of those side effects...are they worth it? I'm going to pray I don't get any of the side effects but if I do, I hope I don't experience any of the more severe ones...is that too much to ask? I don't want to go through hot flashes again...been there and done that...it was definitely no fun! Hair loss...don't want to experience that either...it takes my hair forever to grow and it's already very fine and thin. Mood swings/mental changes...I definitely don't want any of those and I know Phil won't either! I don't want him to wonder what ever happened to his sweet loving wife! I'm afraid the medication may make me be a horrible, irritable person. So much to worry about, but I can't go there. I don't want to borrow trouble. All I can do is trust my doctors and hope for the best. I know God's in control and that's all that matters. Sometimes I think Cancer sucks.
