This morning, I got up before my husband and my daughter. Slowly but surely, I managed to get clothes laid out and arranged my toiletries so I could get that coveted shower. Of course, I had to wait for someone to get up to help me because I have to be very careful of the incisions and the drainage bottles and hoses.
Phil heard me stirring around and woke up. I told him that I'd like him to help me get a shower. He came into the bathroom to help me loosen the compression top they'd put on me in the hospital but before he actually unfastened it, I began to cry. I told him that I didn't want to see my chest yet...that I just wasn't ready for that. He understood and just told me to keep looking up while he undid the velcro fasteners. After he had the compression top off of me and we'd pinned the drainage bottles to a lanyard so they wouldn't be swinging freely from my body in the shower and possibly pull loose, he left me alone.
I turned the water on and let it run until the temperature was a little cooler than normal and then I stepped in. I was so thankful that our new house has a walk in shower! I stood there for several minutes just letting the warm water run down my back. It felt divine. Very carefully, I began to wash my body, all the while never looking down at my chest. When I was done, I towel dried off. I knew I was going to have to look in the mirror at some point, so it might as well be now.
I was afraid to see my reflection but made myself look. It wasn't a pretty site and I honestly felt like I was looking at someone else in the mirror. I just didn't look like me any longer. There were two large hollowed out spaces where my breasts used to be. There were long horizontal incisions running from mid chest to back underneath my arm pits. I am thankful that I didn't faint when I saw them but I had been mentally preparing myself for this moment from the time I stepped into the shower. I didn't know how I was going to react the first time I saw the incisions so I wanted to be alone in case I had a major meltdown. Remarkably, I was able to look at my chest and just say "thank you God."
My reflection in the mirror is just an outward appearance. It doesn't reflect what is in my heart, my soul or my mind. As difficult as it was for me to look at my chest, I was reminded that when God looks at me, He sees His Son, Jesus. He doesn't look on our outward appearance but instead looks upon our heart. He sees the real me, the inside me.
Accepting these scars is hard but without them, I wouldn't have the prognosis for a longer life. Yes the Cancer has left a permanent mark on my body, but it can't touch the inside me unless I let it. My reflection in the mirror has changed dramatically, it's true, but I am just thankful that I can look upon those scars and know that God has brought me through this part of my journey. I know He's going to continue to be with me through every step of the rest of my journey too. If He can love me like this, then I think I'd better learn to love me too....scars and all. My reflection is just a picture of who I am right now not who I will be in the days ahead.
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