I read this verse over and over again. After you have suffered a little while... I couldn't help but stop and think about that. I let the verses sink deep down into my spirit. Yes, Lord...I think I've suffered a little while, 18 months to be exact. Is that long enough? Is it over now? I so wanted to hear Him answer a loud, resounding YES straight from Heaven's front door, but I heard nothing. There was complete and utter silence. I re-read the verses and this time, the part that stood out to me was that God would complete, confirm, strengthen and establish me. Is that what you're in the process of doing right now, Lord?
Every day, since I stopped taking my anti-hormone therapy, that nasty little drug called Aromasin, I've felt like I'm waiting for something...maybe the other shoe to drop...maybe a recurrence...something. I don't like the feeling and I don't want to even think about the possibility of recurrence. So what am I waiting for?
I look outside my office window. I can see the lawn very well. The grass is dead, dormant...an ugly yellowish brown, but that's what Bermuda grass does in winter. It lies still and dormant waiting for the warmth of Spring to revive it. I look at the leaves...they are dead and brown too. The trees are bare and it's evident that Winter is here. It's cold and barren...lifeless. I feel that way a little too. But that feeling of anticipation is stirring.
In the next few months, I know Spring will arrive with budding leaves and new life. The sun will be warmer and the days just a little bit longer. With the new life, comes a feeling of hopefulness. Maybe I'm just tired of being in the midst of the Winter doldrums. Maybe I'm just ready for Spring to come and bring with it the excitement of newness.
While I'm waiting, even though it seems that nothing is going on inside me, I know that God is at work. He's been speaking to my heart, drawing me near. I hear Him whisper, "After you've suffered for a little while..." and I feel a promise that my suffering is almost over. I think He's already begun the process of confirming, completing, and strengthening me.
Today I go visit the oral surgeon. I have to have 2 teeth pulled and I'm not happy about that. After I heal from that surgery, I'll have to have a bridge made so I can eat. That means a couple of months of liquid only diet. While I'll certainly miss the taste of many of my favorite foods, I'm hoping to shed a few pounds during that time of healing.
On Friday, I go for an MRI on my spine. I've been having a lot of upper back pain and they want to find out what's causing it. I'm praying it's nothing but a few slipped or bulging disks...I'm thankful for the technology we have today where machinery allows doctors to get a glimpse at your innards. Wouldn't it be great if those diagnostic tests could show spiritual growth? I can just imagine my doctor whispering to his assistant..."See that vine over there? That wasn't there last time we did this test. I'm concerned about it." It would make me feel so good to see and know there's evidence that God's been at work in me. But while I doubt seriously I'll ever experience test results like that, I'm so glad to know that God is constantly working in me...doing a new thing. He doesn't ever want us to stay the same. He wants to grow us up and mature us.
Winter is hard and I don't like it, but without the cold, ugly Winter, we'd have no Spring. I feel a stirring in my spirit, that something new is about to happen and I can't wait to see what it is...after you've suffered a little while...Yes, Lord! AFTER...
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