I had a huge walk in closet and it was full of clothes. I stood before the massive amount of material and realized it was a sin to hold onto things I didn't wear any longer and never would wear again. I purposed in my heart to discard every single item of clothing that I would not wear over the next year. I had several large garbage bags and was ready to get busy. "Goodwill was going to love me," I thought to myself.
Each article of clothing had some memory attached to it. There was the long dark blue evening gown I'd worn to my daughter's wedding. I'd only worn it that one time and knew I'd never wear it again, so I tossed it into the bag. There were all the suits and dresses I'd worn when I was working full time. No need to keep those any longer either, so in they went. Piece by piece, I looked over each item and made a decision whether to keep, donate, or give it away.
As I continued with the process, I realized I was now not only trying to be practical in my selections; I was also considering the fit. No longer would I wear anything with darts in it. Since I didn't have a bustline, there was no need to keep those things in my wardrobe. Sure, I could have strapped on my prostheses and worn them anyway, but I felt much more comfortable without them. I was learning to embrace being flat and fabulous.
Three large Hefty cinchsacks later, I had completed my project. There weren't many clothes left hanging on my side of the walk in closet. As I looked at the items I'd saved, I realized most Americans have too much anyway. It felt good to purge.
When my husband came home from work, I showed him the closet. He was impressed. I helped drag the bags we were donating across the carpet and out to the carport. They were heavy! As he loaded them into the car, I hoped someone would appreciate getting these gently worn items. I was so glad to be able to share our good fortune with those less fortunate.
That evening, I went into my room to get something and all of a sudden, I burst into tears. I didn't know why I was crying. I was just so full of emotion and felt the need to let it out. I cried and cried feeling the emotional release of pent up frustration. As I cried, I asked God to reveal to me why I was so upset. I felt Him speak to my spirit that I was going through the grief process. It was hard to accept. Shouldn't I have grieved over a year ago when I first lost my breasts? Thinking back, I had grieved some but not in the way I was grieving now. Today, I grieved like I had lost a dear friend.
The tears continued to flow and flow and flow. I don't know how long I cried but when my husband came into the room to see what was taking me so long, he knew something was wrong. He held me in his big, strong arms and asked me if I was okay. I nodded my head and cried a little longer on his shoulder. When I was done, I told him what had happened. "I guess God knew the perfect timing for me to release all of this pent up emotion," I said.
I would never have dreamed I'd still be grieving a year and a half after having lost my breasts. I guess it's just the knowing a vital part of me is gone...the part of me that fed my babies, the part of me that kept me from playing tackle football with the guys next door after I'd reached puberty, the part of me that attracted attention from the opposite sex, the part of me that made me feel like a woman...that part of me was gone. No wonder I was grieving! My identity was tied up in my femininity.
I looked in the mirror and stared at my face. I still had my hair. I still "looked like a girl" from the shoulders up and from the waist down. That was something. I'd just enhance my best features. I'd make sure my hair was always clean and fixed in a becoming style. I'd don makeup and make sure I emphasized my girly-ness" without going overboard. And when it came time for my bi-annual trip to the prosthesis shop, I'd pick out a new pair of girls in a cup size bigger than last year, but still hold on to the AA cups I kept in little pink hat boxes in my bedroom. It never hurts to dream, does it?
Yes, I was sad over the loss of those parts of my anatomy but I was thankful to be alive. My husband still loves me and for that, I'm very grateful. Neither of us ever expected cancer to devastate our lives but it did. I could either continue to mourn or move forward in gratitude. I chose the latter.
Spring will be here soon and it seems my closet doesn't contain any warm weather attire. It might be time to do a little shopping! Or course, I'll look for things without darts and focus on items that provide a little camouflage in the chest region. I promise I'll be frugal and thrifty. I'll take time and choose items I'll keep for a long time. Since I didn't have reconstruction, I know I'll be flat-chested forever...unless I decide to put on my fake boobs and go out on the town.
Grieving over the loss of a body part is normal. It might have been easier to understand the grief a little better if the body part I'd lost was an arm or a leg...something vital to my day to day functionality. But breast cancer survivors do grieve over the loss of their breasts. Some survivors opt for reconstructions and some do not. Each woman has to decide what is best for her. It's not easy to talk about this side of breast cancer but I have tried to be open and honest and real from day one. There are no manuals that tell you what to expect and how you are going to feel. It amazes me, after 18 months, the effects of my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment still affect me. I keep thinking one day I'll forget all about it and get back to normal. Many breast cancer survivors talk about their "new normal." I don't like that term. I'd rather talk about life B.C. (before cancer) and A.C. (after cancer) and what I'm finding is, my life after cancer is so much richer than my life was before cancer. The reasons are because of things God has taught me and shown me throughout my time of suffering and trial. If you read back through my blog, I hope you'll see that He has always been faithful to me. I think God was okay with all the questions I asked throughout the whole process. I know He understood all my WHYS and HOWS and WHENS and IFS. He's such a compassionate God and without Him, I wouldn't be where I am today.
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