You probably didn't even know I was missing did you? But for the past month, I have been AWOL. I haven't been myself. I've been under the influence of different cancer medications and I've been an emotional wreck. I've felt like I was totally out of control...unable to think clearly, unable to control my emotions, and basically....I've felt like a total basket case!
When I started not remembering things, it got scary! I'd turn on the stove and put the pan on the wrong eye or put something in the dryer that was supposed to go in the freezer! I couldn't focus on anything and was crying all the time. I got so depressed at one point that I told my husband I couldn't do it any more. I decided right then and there that I was going to have to come off of these medications!
My oncologist wasn't overly sympathetic toward me. I guess doctors get calloused after hearing complaint after complaint but I put my foot down. He told me that I had to be on medication or the cancer would come back. I told him I understood that but the past 2 medications were just not a proper fit for me. He told me there was only one other drug that he could offer and that drug was the newest of the aromatase inhibitors. I really wanted to tell him I'd prefer to take my chances without any medication, but I didn't dare because my husband was sitting right next to me. I did ask for permission to abstain from taking the medication until we return from our trip to Texas and the doctor was okay with that. He actually thought it was a good idea because if I experienced any weird side effects, he wanted me to be somewhere in the state of Georgia.
Since coming off the medication, I have felt WONDERFUL!!! I've felt perfectly normal...just like I did before I found out I had cancer. I've been able to do the things I enjoy the most and be totally cognizant while doing them. Unless you've been under the influence of some type of drug, you probably don't understand how much that means. It's really scary to be unable to think clearly when you're used to having a sound mind. It's amazing that one tiny pill can totally change my emotional state and my demeanor.
I'm thankful that I will be off of all cancer medications until the end of February. I am going to totally enjoy my month of freedom. I am very hesitant about starting the new medications especially after the side effects I experienced during the last 2 rounds. Hopefully any side effects will be minimal but if I experience mind altering/mood changing side effects, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be on the phone to my oncologist in the blink of an eye.
In the meantime, I'm going to do a lot of research on the medications he's suggested. I'm also going to put all my other medications into a drug interaction checker and cross check for potential problems. I am a firm believer that we have to be proactive concerning our health. While I would prefer to be free of any and all medications, I am thankful for the ones that help my body function properly like my thyroid medication and my blood pressure medication.
What I'm thinking:
I feel awesome! I am really enjoying being off of the antihormone therapy and wonder if I can just skip cancer meds all together. I have a big faith and I know God can protect me from any cancer recurrences but would Phil understand? Would he feel better knowing that I was on medicine? If the new meds start making me feel weird, I am going to have to contact the doctor. I am not willing to go through the craziness that I went through before. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like not being able to remember what I was doing. I don't want to take a chance on forgetting to turn off the stove and burning the house down! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this new medicine will be okay and I won't have any major side effects. I can't even imagine having to take cancer meds for the next 10 years!!!! What kind of quality of life will I have??? I don't like this one bit.
