When I go out, for any reason at all, I always want to look my best. Looking my best means I'm well put together on the outside as well as on the inside. For me to look my best, I have to wear my boobs because my clothes don't fit properly without them. I hate wearing them and let me tell you why.
One of the main reasons I hate wearing my boobs is because my skin is still very tender from my last surgery. The incision has healed up but it's still very sensitive to touch. I can't stand anything rubbing against it and wearing a bra is pure torture. But tomorrow, I'll be meeting my friend's fiance'. I don't want to have him stare at my sunken in chest...so I'll suffer the pain of wearing my prostheses.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I've always been a planner. I want to make sure things are "just so" and so far, it's worked out well. I find security in knowing I've taken care of details and nothing has been forgotten...that's why I needed to decide which boobs I am going to wear for the photo shoot tomorrow. Should I wear the "nearly real" silicone boobs or should I opt for the lightweight polyester fiberfill ones? Decisions, decisions.
The silicone boobs are very realistic but heavy. I usually wear those when I know someone is going to be hugging me because at least my boobs will feel real even though they're not. They're smaller and more natural. They remind me of my BBC days (before breast cancer). The polyester ones are super light but super big. When I put them on, I feel like Dolly Parton. I look at myself in the mirror and laugh, but those boobs are pretty firm. They don't squish when you're hugged...they stay put...they are so very fake and perky.
Not only do I have to decide which boobs to wear, but I have to decide what I'll wear them in. The best choice I could make would be to wear the post surgical camisole I received right after my first surgery. It's a form fitting camisole that offers nice support, but that camisole came with those big polyester fiberfill boobs. I could wear my mastectomy bra, the one the silicone boobs slip into so nicely, but it rides up so high on my chest I feel I need a turtleneck to keep folks from seeing my bra because it rides up. It's so unnatural.
I tried on both this morning. First I put on the camisole with the poly boobs...too huge, too out there, too perky...not gonna work. Then I put on the bra with the silicone boobs...okay, but constricting. The bra rubs my incision and rides up just under my chin. That's not where boobs are supposed to be! Then I had an AHA moment. What if I took out the poly boobs from the camisole and slipped the silicone girls in? Hmmm. I tried it. And.Then.I.cracked.Up. The silicone boobs slipped way down into the front of the camisole. When I looked in the mirror I was reminded of my grandmother! As a child, I always used to laugh at her saggy boobs...they hung down almost to her navel! I couldn't dare go out like that!
So I had two options...to go braless and boobless - totally flat chested, or to endure the pain of wearing the bra with the silicone boobs for a few hours. I opted for the later, after all, I can take them off in the car after I've completed the photo shoot. My husband is used to this. He knows when I start shifting around in my seat that something's about to happen. He knows when I dip my arm inside my shirt that I'm about to finagle a hasty bra removal. (I can't tell you how many times we've driven home with my bra and prostheses lying on the middle of the back seat!)
You may think I'm being ridiculous with all this preparation but I wanted to give you a glimpse into my life. When I'm at home, it doesn't matter that I don't wear any prostheses. In fact, I rather prefer to be unencumbered by them. But, for some reason, I feel more secure wearing my boobs when I go out. I don't have to worry about people looking at my scooped out chest cavities. I know it's silly but it's the truth. And maybe they're not looking at all, but I'm self conscious.
So I have my photo gear all packed up and ready. I also have my bra and prostheses laid out. I wish I didn't feel the need to wear them, but I don't like others to feel uncomfortable around me either. I think I can bear the weight of them for a few hours but after that, they're coming off! It's a good thing I'm not the one being photographed tomorrow. Wouldn't it be hilarious to have an action shot of me whipping off my boobs amidst the beautiful fall foliage while the adoring couple gaped in shock? Hahaha...sorry.
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