Bye Bye Boobies

Today was our last day at the beach and I wanted to come to terms with the fact that in just a few days I would be losing both breasts. The trip was supposed to help me take my mind off of the surgery and to some point it did, but I couldn't help but think about how drastically my life was about to change.

If I'd had my best friends with me, I'd have had a goodbye party for my breasts but since I was on a public beach, I had to think of a more discreet way to tell them goodbye. What could I do that wouldn't alert others to my secret goodbye ceremony?

The only thing I could think of was to write" bye bye boobies" in giant letters in the sand. I took off one of my sandals and used the edge of it as a writing tool. I carefully wrote out each letter and placed them high on the beach above the water line. As I was writing, I became very emotional.

I stood back to admire my completed work. I had even drawn a breast cancer ribbon beside the words. There. It was done. I'd acknowledged my sadness by simply writing in the sand. I sat down in my beach chair and cried. I could see the words I'd written clearly in front of me.

People walked past my sandy sign but only one of them stopped to read it. A young woman in a hot pink beach cover-up...she glanced at me and nodded as if she understood completely. A few minutes later, a huge wave washed up on the shore totally erasing my words. It's hard to describe how I felt at that moment. I was upset that my words were washed away but I also felt relief at not seeing them any longer. Just as quickly as I'd written the words now they were gone. It will be like that on Wednesday, I thought to myself...one minute I had breasts and the next I wouldn't. And did it really matter? Would anyone stop and notice? Probably not. Unless of course, like the lady on the beach, perhaps a fellow cancer survivor, someone might just pause and take it in with a deep understanding, with a heart of compassion.

And just like that, my party was over. I'd finished my grieving and now have moved into acceptance mode. It doesn't negate the loss or the pain, it's just time to move on. After all, the writing's on the wall now and not in the sand...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved
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A tiny grain of sand

Today as I walked along the beach, the sand was dry and hot along the upper rim. It reflected the sun making the 90+ degree weather seem even hotter. As I moved closer to the water, the sand was wet and tightly packed providing much needed coolness to my bare feet. Walking along the water's edge, I enjoyed a wonderful ocean breeze. Although it was still hot; I barely noticed it because the wind was constantly blowing. I walked for hours. My body grew tired and thirsty. Instead of continuing on, I decided to rest and return later in the evening.

Back at the hotel, I washed my sandy feet and climbed in bed for an afternoon nap. I tried to sleep but couldn't because something felt like it was in my toes. Apparently a tiny grain of sand had gotten wedged in between my little toe and the one next to it. It irritated me so much that I had to get up and wash my feet again to remove the culprit. He could such a tiny thing bother me so much?

As I headed back to bed, I began to think about the way God uses little things that irritate us to teach valuable lessons like patience. He can use those minor irritations in our lives to bring about much needed change.

On the beach that day, I had passed many beautiful sea shells. Among the pretty ones, there were also some ugly ones like the oyster shell. On the outside, it has no pretty markings. It's just very plain and somewhat deformed. But an oyster is quite unique. It yields one of the most prized gems, the pearl.

A pearl is formed when an irritant becomes embedded in an oyster's shell lining. Instead of trying to rid itself of the problem, the oyster secretes layer upon layer of a protective coating which ultimately becomes a beautiful pearl. How something so wondrous emerges from an oyster's way of protecting itself is one of nature's loveliest surprises.

The grain of sand between my toes really bothered me...but not as badly as the horrible, cancerous tumor growing inside me. On Wednesday, the surgeon will remove it because if left inside me, it would multiply and spread. It wouldn't produce anything beneficial on it's own but, God can use this minor irritation, this disruption in my life, to help me focus on a greater good. I can see it as a gift that causes me to look for the "pearl" in my pain. Will I choose to only look at the Cancer as an irritant, complaining every day or will I layer positivity over it enveloping it in cocoon of hope?

Yes, I'll admit this Cancer isn't something I ever expected, it's a huge irritation, just like that little piece of sand cutting the inside of my toes but since it's not where I can personally remove it, I'll have to coat it with thin layers of expectant hope. In the days to come, I will be looking for how God can use it in my life to reveal a beautiful thing.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved