Train of thought

here i am and it's late at night i'm sitting in front of my computer with a stocking cap on my head because it's so cold outside and i just can't seem to get warm my heart is heavy tonight and i just have to write to take a little of the load off and i remembered one of my english teachers from highschool teaching us about an exercise called train of thought where you just write and don't worry about punctation or paragraphs or anything else but writing and it seems that will be the best way for me to say what i have to say tonight because i'm so tired tired of seeing all these beautiful young thirtyish women dying of triple negative breast cancer and i get so tired of seeing and reading about their struggles and my heart breaks for them because they are in the last stages of their lives and they are so full of whys and hows and whats and no one can answer and i wonder why not me why am i not in their shoes but god has been so gracious to me when i read their blogs and their posts i don't hear any hope and that makes me cry because i can't imagine going through this struggle without hope because it's the one thing that has kept me going and i don't want to give in i want to cling to hope and never let go there's a young mother named jenny who has two small children and she's just found out the cancer has spread to her brain and she's had to start chemo again and she's so negative in everything she writes and i just want to shake her and tell her to look up to see jesus and know even in the midst of her hard struggle there is hope so i comment and ask god to give me the words to share with her and hope that in some small way i can touch her and reach her before it's too late and then there's the famous singing duo joey and rory joey has breast cancer too and has a young child a little baby with down's syndrome and she's been fighting so hard and she has kept her faith and done her best to remain strong but her body is failing and she's wasting away and i want to ask god why but i don't dare every time i read anything it seems another young woman is sharing her cancer story how many oh lord how many will have to suffer and what is causing all these cases of cancer is it something we're eating or drinking or breathing what and it seems i'm always consumed with thinking of cancer but i don't want to be i'm so tired of it and want to be out from under it's shadow but the bottle of aromasin is always in front of me reminding me that 5 years isn't a very long time and i shout my god is bigger and i believe with all my heart that he is but there's a little voice in the back of my mind saying is he really and while i know he is i can't help but wonder sometimes if i'll make it to the 5 year mark because that's what the doctors drill into our heads but they don't know only god knows so i have to hold on to what i know is true but i do cry i cry for all the young women who are in the midst of their hard and the ones who have just found out they have cancer and for the ones like me who still need someone to come alongside them and encourage them but we don't get that we get forgotten and it's not fair so maybe something needs to be done about it and i have to go to the dentist next week and have a tooth pulled and i'm not looking forward to that i don't need or want any more pain i hate dentists and i just want to run away sometimes but i was looking on the internet at beach houses and thinking about vacation this year and whether or not we'll go to the beach again and i'm trying really hard not to be such a long range planner but i always have been and it's hard to stop i don't even know what tomorrow holds so how can i plan months in advance i need to stop and just be in the moment it's hard but i'm trying to learn to do that to just be present and to be mindful and that's all i have to say right now because it's late and it's time for bed but i'm not really tired so i'll go read a while and hopefully drift off to sleep and think about nothing because tomorrow as soon as i wake up my brain will be pumping and the thoughts will be flowing and it will all start all over again

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