Just enough grace

This morning, I woke up really, really tired. I feel like I'm trudging through the day like an old diver in a lead suit on the bottom of the ocean floor. Every movement takes such effort. Since my cancer battle began, I've had both extremely good days and very challenging days. Today is one of the challenging days.

I drug myself into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. Just getting the bowl out of the china cabinet was difficult. I felt like every cell in my body was revolting. What is wrong with me??? Why do I feel this way today??? I don't normally feel this tired.

I ate my bowl of cereal and sat there for a long time. I didn't even have the strength to think, I just sat. Staring out the window, I watched the leaves on the trees. The wind wasn't blowing, I just stared at them.

Getting up from the table, I put my bowl in the sink and began to walk down the hallway toward my office. Instead of continuing on toward my destination, I opened the door to our guest bedroom and went over to the bed. I just needed to lie down. I was so very, very tired.

I lay on the bed for about 30 minutes. I didn't sleep, didn't think, didn't do anything but lie there. I didn't have the energy to move. The bed felt so nice and comforting. It was cool in the bedroom and a little dark since I hadn't turned on the light. If I could have, I would have fallen asleep, but I wasn't really sleepy...just physically drained.

After I'd been on the bed for a while, I prayed for God to give me the strength I need to get through the day and this is what I felt Him saying to me: "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness..." I was surely weak today, so He must surely be strong!

I was reminded, as I made myself get up,  that He gives us just enough grace to get through each day. I know He expects me to live this day in the power of His strength, leaning on His wisdom, drawing on His presence and power. I know I can't make it on my own strength, because I don't have any today.

I can't put my finger on why I'm so tired. I slept fairly well last night. I'm wondering if my Vitamin D level is extremely low again. I don't want to even consider the fact that it might be something else...something like a recurrence, so I refuse to let my mind go there.

"It's okay to rest today, Mom," said my daughter as we talked on the phone. I tell her that I feel so guilty when I'm not doing something and she chides me lovingly. I guess I'll take her advice and just watch a movie or read a book. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more energy. I sure hope so because I don't like feeling this way at all.

Maybe on the days when I feel so wiped out, that's God's way of alerting me to the fact that I need to slow down just a little. I've been trying so hard to do all the things I did B.C. (before cancer). My husband tells me we're getting older too and while I know that's true, I don't want to make excuses for my lack of energy.

Would you say a prayer for me today? I know I surely need it. Thank you in advance and now, I'm going to just go sit and do nothing for a while.

p.s. It was really hard to make myself come into the office and type this today but I want to always give you a clear picture of the challenges I'm facing. I try to be brave and fight through things like this daily but honestly, it's really difficult some days.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved


Scripture references:

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23