In a quandary

 I'm so confused! I just don't know what to do! For the past few days I have been on vacation in Texas. Visiting with family has been wonderful and so relaxing. Since I have not been on any cancer medications, I have felt exceptionally well. I have enjoyed myself to the fullest. It's hard to describe how terrific normal feels.

When I return to Georgia, I am supposed to begin taking Aromasin and take it for the next 10 years! Aromasin is a cancer medication and it has a lot of really bad side effects. I am also supposed to begin taking a drug called Effexor. The Effexor is supposed to take care of hot flashes and mood swings that Aromasin causes.

When I was on Arimidex last month, I experienced so many bad side effects. Many of them are the same as the ones Aromasin will cause. That is why I am NOT looking forward to beginning this new medication. I am seriously considering not taking any medication. I am weighing out my options. I would much rather feel normal then feel like an emotional wreck. But I also don't want the cancer to come back. This is my quandary. What do I do? Do I take the medication and feel horrible for the next 10 years or do I not take it and feel normal for the next 10 years? If I decide not to take it, there is a real possibility that I will have a recurrence of cancer. But even if I do take it, the cancer could still come back.

So for the remainder of my vacation, I'm going to be thinking long and hard about this decision. I'm going to do a lot of praying about it. I'm also going to be talking with family members about my decision. I know my oncologist would not be happy if I went to him and told him that I had decided not to take any medication. I wonder if he would even agree to still be my doctor if I decide to go against his advice. Whatever the case, I have to do what is best for me. It is my life and I am the only one that can make this decision. It's scary because sometimes I don't make the right decisions. In fact most of my life I've made a lot of bad decisions. Hopefully I will hear clearly from God and know exactly what I am supposed to do. I am asking Him to give me a complete peace about it, and I know He will.

This cancer journey has been one filled with decision after decision. It would be nice to know that all of it was over. Every single day I'm reminded that even though the cancerous tumor has been removed; cancer has greatly impacted my life and still continues to do so. I can't help but wonder if there are still some rogue cancer cells lurking in my body. Are they gathering together and plotting a counter-attack? What part of my body will they invade next? Will the counter-attack be more severe than the initial battle? I certainly hope never to experience any dealings with cancer again but I'm not going to be unrealistic.

Today I'm choosing to live like a normal person who feels normal in every way except in my  physical appearance. Today I choose to live a totally cancer free life. Who knows, I may not even be around in the next 10 years anyway. None of us may be! None of us are promised tomorrow, so I'll take today and make it the best it can be. And I think that's a pretty good decision!