I've always enjoyed watching television shows that use social experiments to gauge people's reactions to various situations. There are many out there, "What would you do?," "Survivor," "Married at First Sight," etc. When I was in high school, I loved studying psychology and understanding how the mind works. There have been many studies done on reality TV, Facebook, and Twitter with regard to why we enjoy sharing so much detail about our own personal lives. Yesterday, I conducted my own personal social experiment although I did not realize that is what I was doing at the time.
After my visit to the doctor's office for a post surgical check up, my daughter, Laura, and I decided to do a little shopping. We drove into town, got out of the car, and proceeded to go into a new women's boutique on the square. I was fine as we entered and began looking around at the clothing. Within just a few minutes, however, I realized there were other women in the shop and whether self consciously or subconsciously, found myself moving my arms into position to hide my very flat chest.
While we were looking at the racks of clothes, I was fine because I was able to turn my body so my chest was hidden by the clothing. I found myself not caring about my physical appearance when no one was close by, but when they came into our section, I would either turn my back to them, or try to shield my chest from their view. At the register, when I was about to pay for my selection of clothing, I realized again, that I was trying to camouflage my chest. I had leaned slightly forward to allow my large shirt to swing forward creating an illusion of breast fullness. Why was I doing this?
As I've processed the events from yesterday, I realized that although I said I didn't really care that I was flat chested, apparently I do. Perhaps I'm still dealing with the shock of breast cancer and what it's done to me. Perhaps I felt socially unacceptable while in a women's clothing store surrounded by voluptuous women. I do know I was very self aware and felt I was "less than" any of the other shoppers.
Today Laura and I are returning to that same little women's boutique. We found some great deals yesterday and plan to take advantage of those again today. This morning, as I showered and got ready for our shopping excursion, I pulled out my post surgical camisole. This time, however, I inserted the poly filled breast forms. I pulled it up and turned to look at myself sideways in the mirror. There were now nice, plump breasts where yesterday's flatness had been. This is the first time I've had a bust line in two weeks. I wonder how I'll react as we go shopping today. Will I constantly check to see that the fake boobs are aligned and in place or will I barely notice them at all? Will anyone stare at my chest thinking "boy, she is well endowed"? My own little social experiment will probably reveal even more about me that I haven't realized. I'm curious as to what I might find.
It was interesting to read about various social experiments and the reactions of others. It's very different to be your own social experiment! It amazes me how vain I really am and how important it is for me to want to fit in and be like others around me. When did the social conditioning begin? Why does it matter so much? There are so many unanswered questions, but no one can really tell you how to "do" cancer. You just have to muddle through and make the best of a bad situation...and that's exactly what I'm doing as I take one day at a time, one situation at a time. I am my own social experiment.
