The Old Gray Mare Just Ain't What She Used to Be

"A New Normal," that's what all the books on Breast Cancer recommend survivors embrace. But what is the "new normal?" The best way I explain it to you is to use my husband as an example. Many years ago, when Phil and I first got married, he'd spend hours upon hours sitting at a little card table patiently putting jigsaw puzzles together. He'd often invite me to join him, but I've never had the patience to sit down and mull over puzzle pieces. I was amazed that he could take 5000 or more puzzle pieces, dump them into the center of the table, and a few hours later have a beautifully, completed puzzle. Once I watched him as he stood back to look at a 3D puzzle he'd completed of the Eiffel Tower. It had taken him almost a week to complete, and after only looking at it for a few minutes, he gingerly broke it apart, and slipped it back into the box. I wanted to scream at him..."what are you doing??? You just worked on that thing for days and days! How can you just tear it apart?" but I didn't. Apparently, this is the way puzzle people work. They create a problem, analyze it, fix it, and then tear it apart. It surely didn't seem normal to me, but to him, that's just the way it was...it was normal to look at puzzles that way.

When I was first diagnosed with Cancer, I was presented with a huge problem. Doctors in several different fields helped me understand and analyze it. They performed all sorts of tests and scans. They met weekly to discuss how they were going to treat it and then started in on "fixing" me.

Right now, I'm in the beginning of the "fixing" stage. I've just begun radiation treatments. To date, I've had 3 treatments and by the time you finish reading this post, I'll have had my fourth treatment. The plan is for me to have 35 treatments in total. I'm relating those treatments to pieces of the big puzzle...Cancer decimation.

My old normal consisted of days filled with activity and fun. I'd usually wake up, make the bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, do some sort of hobby I enjoyed, run errands, work around the house, do yardwork, and things like that. I stayed busy all day long. I enjoyed being busy! I didn't slow down until it was time for bed. But now, in my "new normal," things have drastically changed. It's as if the puzzle of my life has been shattered, and the pieces lie all over the floor. Daily, I'm picking up one piece at a time and trying to fit it back together with the other pieces to form the perfect picture of my life again; only this time, the pieces don't quite fit any more. Some of the pieces are warped and bent. Others are missing.

One of the most important pieces of the puzzle of my life has been energy. I've always loved having an abundance of energy! Even though I've gotten older, I've worked hard to keep my energy level up by exercising and doing things to keep my mind working at peak performance. I was always going, always doing, always moving. Now, I'm realizing I just can't do that any more.

Yesterday, after my radiation treatment, I felt fairly good so I decided when I got home I'd walk on the treadmill. I usually walk 3 miles a day at a 3.5 mph pace. That's a pretty good, brisk pace for a daily morning walk and I would always vary the incline so I'd get a good workout. Since I hadn't walked for about 8 weeks (due to surgery and recovery), I thought it was high time that I get going again. I was determined to fit the piece of exercise into my life puzzle. I got on the treadmill and did a 5 minute warm up...so far, so good! I bumped up the speed and incline and began walking more rapidly. I did fine for about 15 minutes, but then realized something wasn't right. I was feeling physically exhausted. I did not like this feeling, but decided to press on. I continued working out for about 30 minutes but after that time, I could do no more. The song, "The Old Gray Mare Just Ain't What She Used to Be" popped into my head. The reality of my "new normal" was upon me. I'm thankful the doctors warned me before I began treatment that I could expect to experience extreme fatigue. Although my puzzle piece of energy was damaged, I hadn't totally lost it yet. I was determined to hang onto it.

Later in the day, I walked down to the mailbox. We have a pretty long, fairly steep driveway. I had no problems going downhill, but as I began the ascent up to the house, I found myself huffing and puffing. I'd never experienced this before. I could only attribute it to the radiation. The doctor had warned that my right lung would be receiving some of the radiation beams and could affect my breathing...another puzzle piece...breathing. The edges of this piece were currently frayed. I could only hope it wouldn't get more damaged as time went on.

In the days ahead, I know more and more puzzle pieces will fall to the floor. Sometimes I will need help gathering them up and fitting them back into my life puzzle. They probably won't fit perfectly, although the picture will more than likely still be recognizable, it won't be normal. The "new normal" will take some getting used to and will take time. Just as Phil has always been so patient while working on his jigsaw puzzles; I'm going to have to learn to be patient with myself. Instead of beginning at the edges of the puzzle and fitting all the corners together; I might just start in the center. The old gray mare definitely is not what she used to be, but at least she's still kicking! As I learn to accept my "new normal," I'm so thankful I see the puzzle piece of stubbornness lying right next to me. I think I'll keep that one in my pocket for safekeeping!

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