Since receiving my diagnosis of Breast Cancer last Thursday, I have struggled. I've cried a thousand tears, I've questioned God, I've tried to understand why I have this invasive disease tearing away at my body. I've read many informative articles on the internet and have done all that I can to become informed and knowledgeable. I've spent the past few nights tossing and turning as the zillions of "what if" questions poured through my mind...will my husband still love me when I have a disfigured body, will my hair fall out, will I experience a lot of pain, will I die. All of those questions are important to have answered but the most important one I've struggled with is why. So, I asked God and this is the answer I received...
I did not receive the gift of Cancer for any reason other than for God's glory. Did you catch that I said the "gift of Cancer"? I'm choosing to call it a gift because I know that God is going to use it in my life to do several things. The first thing He's going to use it for is to teach me to FULLY trust Him in all things. I've prayed for years for Him to deepen my faith...and I'm sure that this is part of the answer to that prayer. He's also going to use it to allow me to minister His love to others. How do I know this? Because if I am able to glorify Him during the midst of my suffering, then I'm sure others will see that God is good. Even when trials come and when difficulties enter our lives, we can CHOOSE to either let go and trust God or we can choose to struggle on our own.
Have you ever seen a drowning person in the midst of a deep blue sea...flailing their arms about, screaming for someone to come and help them? When the rescuer comes, with life vest in tow, the drowning person frantically thrashes about. Grabbing at the rescuer, the drowning person almost takes down the very person who came to help. Often times, the rescuer will actually have to knock the drowning victim out to get them to relax and allow help to occur. God showed me today that this is exactly where I am. I've been thrashing about, struggling to understand why, fighting with all that is within me to keep from drowning. Why have I been doing this when all I've had to do is reach up and take His mighty hand?
Today I've chosen to "let it go" as the Frozen song says. I'm choosing to just rest in God's love knowing that none of this was a surprise to Him. It's hard to fathom that even before I was conceived in my mother's womb, He knew that this day would come. I'm so thankful that I did not know it before last Thursday!
I'm not going to say that this journey won't be difficult for me; I know it will be. But how I face the journey is up to me. If I choose to walk the path in my own strength, I will slip deep into the deep blue sea sinking into the unknown. If I choose to take God's mighty hand and trust Him to lead me through, I know I will rise above the raging waters of this nasty sea of Cancer and I will survive. If I can bring glory to God during my journey by being obedient and relying on Him, then I'll know that His gift of Cancer has been for my benefit. The choice is up to me and I choose life. I CHOOSE to let it go. I am going to choose to praise God in this storm. ©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved
Praise you in the Storm - Casting Crowns video
